Twilight Zone

[Hope0807]

I'm several months out of my home and r/s with the uBPD/Psychopath.  This journey is hell but I'm determined to not just survive, but thrive.  I remember feeling like I had to hide.  I remember scanning before I walked, constantly looking in the rear view mirror to see if his truck was in traffic with or near me.  How insane!  I'm one of the strongest, most confident women I've ever known.  What the hell?  I was shattering big time and suffering PTSD.  I know that now.

Anyway, I'm feeling stronger these days but feel like I'm clawing my way out of the Twilight Zone.  My ex isn't a politician or anything, but kinda close in a weird way.  Everywhere I turn people know him or know someone who needs or has heard of his services.  They'll NEVER know what he put me through or what he is capable of.  He was a nobody when we met.  I created a business and image for him that he now thrives in - and social media (which I started too…for the business…not his ego) is now a worthy tool to keep him popular to the masses.  He seems to be more and more well known at every step.  This is a terrible feeling.  I love my job and coworkers, and I know it will never be a possibility, but if I were financially able, I truly feel I would leave the state to start fresh and get completely away from him.  Even then, social media makes the niche service he offers visible far beyond state lines…so it's all just incredibly disturbing.  I want to heal, but cannot escape him and I can't stand having to live with that feeling.  I don't know what to do with the fact that at the same time I feel stronger, I also feel more consumed by the reality that I can never truly escape him. 

[fromheeltoheal]

Yeah, me too Hope, I completely lost myself when I was in it, but the good news is having detached and insisting on getting my life back, I have a much greater appreciation for who I am and what I do; nothing like losing something to really value it when you get it back.  I did something as simple as take a walk around my neighborhood yesterday in the rain, and was incredibly grateful for my life.  Gratitude's a good thing and a worthy focus.

So here's a thing: I too inspired and lifted my ex out of a very low period for her, which I since learned was just her life, and she started thriving, setting goals, achieving, and after I left her she kept it up for a while, but started to erode with time, and now she's lost jobs, collection agencies are calling, back to low she goes.  Amazing how someone without a self assumes someone's as their own, effectively, until the attachment fails, and it's on to the next to see what they have to offer.  Not much it turns out.  Never say never with your ex.

[Rise]

Hope, don't worry. You did escape him. You got out. That's the most important part. I know it's got to be hard knowing that you can't completely get away from his presence, but it's going to be okay. Several months may seem like a long time, but it's really not. You're still not that far removed from everything. You're still coming out of the fog. And that's okay. Things really are going to get better with time. The more you heal, the less his existence is going to bother you. Stay strong, and take it one step at a time. I have faith you're going to be okay.

[Hope0807]

Thank you both so much.  I will hold on to your words of encouragement and although I have some serious, serious doubts at the moment, I pray that within time, his existence will haunt me less and less. 

Hope, don't worry. You did escape him. You got out. That's the most important part. I know it's got to be hard knowing that you can't completely get away from his presence, but it's going to be okay. Several months may seem like a long time, but it's really not. You're still not that far removed from everything. You're still coming out of the fog. And that's okay. Things really are going to get better with time. The more you heal, the less his existence is going to bother you. Stay strong, and take it one step at a time. I have faith you're going to be okay.

Yeah, me too Hope, I completely lost myself when I was in it, but the good news is having detached and insisting on getting my life back, I have a much greater appreciation for who I am and what I do; nothing like losing something to really value it when you get it back.  I did something as simple as take a walk around my neighborhood yesterday in the rain, and was incredibly grateful for my life.  Gratitude's a good thing and a worthy focus.

So here's a thing: I too inspired and lifted my ex out of a very low period for her, which I since learned was just her life, and she started thriving, setting goals, achieving, and after I left her she kept it up for a while, but started to erode with time, and now she's lost jobs, collection agencies are calling, back to low she goes.  Amazing how someone without a self assumes someone's as their own, effectively, until the attachment fails, and it's on to the next to see what they have to offer.  Not much it turns out.  Never say never with your ex.

[Loveofhislife]

Heal and Hope:  So many times I am   at how closely so many of our stories are to each other's.  I find it odd that throughout my career, I have chosen to lift up others and create/enhance their successes instead of focusing on my own (though that is somewhat the line of business I chose.) And then there's my personal life that is oh, so similar: the rescuing and the codependency--where I swear others' needs have always been more important than mine.

So, the blessing of the nightmare with exbfBPD has been that I can finally see how my codependency is nearly as toxic as his pathology. Together, they were very nearly deadly.

Hope, I've started today (yes, today!) on digging out of a professional relationship with an NPD business client who helped to create part of the vulnerability that BPD/ASPD picked up on.  That business relationship has been  draining my resources and slowing my healing like a "stealth" program running in the background of our computers.

I too am a very strong person in many respects--my T says one of the strongest she has ever known.  We surely gave our two sociopaths a run for their money before we ran for our lives.  

Hope, you can do ANYTHING--think about what we've survived; nothing is beyond your ability.

And Heal, gratitude for the exbfBPD r/s is slowly but surely helping me to heal.  The greater thankfulness is that I'm out!

[Hope0807]

         

Heal and Hope:  So many times I am   at how closely so many of our stories are to each other's.  I find it odd that throughout my career, I have chosen to lift up others and create/enhance their successes instead of focusing on my own (though that is somewhat the line of business I chose.) And then there's my personal life that is oh, so similar: the rescuing and the codependency--where I swear others' needs have always been more important than mine.

So, the blessing of the nightmare with exbfBPD has been that I can finally see how my codependency is nearly as toxic as his pathology. Together, they were very nearly deadly.

Hope, I've started today (yes, today!) on digging out of a professional relationship with an NPD business client who helped to create part of the vulnerability that BPD/ASPD picked up on.  That business relationship has been  draining my resources and slowing my healing like a "stealth" program running in the background of our computers.

I too am a very strong person in many respects--my T says one of the strongest she has ever known.  We surely gave our two sociopaths a run for their money before we ran for our lives.  

Hope, you can do ANYTHING--think about what we've survived; nothing is beyond your ability.

And Heal, gratitude for the exbfBPD r/s is slowly but surely helping me to heal.  The greater thankfulness is that I'm out!