One thing my uBPDh said in an email the other day was that he has "paid for my life" for a long time. ?
When we got married about a hundred years ago he had custody of his at-that-time 6 year old daughter, so I became Instant Mom. I loved it, even though I had no idea what I was doing. I took care of the house and his daughter, and later we had another daughter and I stayed home with her. I did foster care--again at home, and we adopted our first foster child who came from a crack mom and had some big learning issues and hyperactivity issues. I did all this and cooked and cleaned etc. and started taking care of the bills and the taxes. All this time my h would say that it was our agreement that I never needed to work outside the home.
And now it's as simple as he was paying for my life, as if I contributed nothing.
Can you tell his statement really got to me? He has made the "you're happy to use me as a paycheck" and the "you don't do anything all day" sorts of statements, but for some reason his comment about "paying for my life" after raising 4 children, fostering more, etc. etc. really gets me.
What's your "favorite" way you've been invalidated by your BPD partner?
To validate someone's feelings is first to accept someone's feelings - and then to understand them - and finally to nurture them. To validate is to acknowledge and accept a person. Invalidation, on the other hand, is to reject, ignore, or judge.
I heard those very same statements Elpis from my uBPDh of 25 yrs after raising 4 children and doing all those same wonderful things I know you did. I loved being an at home mom and not only did I raise my children very well and nearly entirely "alone", I took care of every aspect of the household and beyond. You see, my spouse "worked" and I "did not." And he was tired. I could never be tired. His "job" as he said was to " bring home the money that I got to spend." He did nothing really beyond that except expecting immense praise for " working" and any little thing he might do there after, such as mowing the lawn or shoveling snow, which became some sort of hosanna event.
I took on all, not bc I wanted to, but bc he wouldn't w. out raging/victimization. At a certain point in my mind, I just said " it has to get done, I can do it all with a smile and my children deserve a peaceful loving home."
I have NEVER been happier than NOT living this way. Once I "quit" being controlled and started to bcome my own person while putting up boundaries it was far too much for him. So he said he wanted to leave which was a huge blessing in disguise. Of course his parting gift was to involve our children in adult matters and play me as the bad one ruining a family. My kids still feel their dad was wronged, he did a good job with that.
I am thankful every day that I FINALLY got out of that toxic situation. I pay the price as my kids, who I devoted my life to in silence of their father's emotional abuse, blame me for much. You see, he's long gone even though he lives nearby which is really the same as he was when he lived in the home, and they have no one else to blame, because it's still all about him. He still helps with nothing. Yet, somehow, it's all my fault that I ruined the family.
I'll take that all over living with him and being devalued so detrimentally.
So many lessons I have learned. SUCH personal inventory.
I'm still happier and seeing the good in life. As I always had. Sorry, you can't take that away from me
