Struggling to cope being in the same workplace as my ex friend

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I don't know how the hell I am going to get through this... .

Being in the same workplace as my ex friend is so difficult.  She was on a day off today, so thought it was safe to walk past a coffee shop she has started going to.  To my surprise, she was sitting there with her shiny new toy.  No idea why she came into the area - I don't care to know anyway.

Seeing her triggered me AGAIN!  If my anxiety wasn't through the roof enough, a mutual friend of ours at work asked me if she was ok.  He said she seems to have become a bit odd - she was combative when he saw her last week.  That's the second person in a week that has asked me if she is ok.

I'm trying to move on from this mess, but there are reminders everywhere.  I just can't seem to escape.  

Whilst I had originally planned to keep very LC at work and keep any response to her message at work short and sweet in order to avoid a smear campaign, I really can't do that.  I only feel like a used piece of trash when I reply, knowing that it may be days before I hear from her again.  I'm no backup to anyone!  It's also hard when her messages are normal - I question my sanity and think maybe I'm the one with the problem.  

I have built up a strong reputation at work for people not to believe any of her crap.  The only ones that would fall for it are her shiny new toys as they don't really know me.  She has lost a lot of respect from people at work due to the amount of time she has been off sick over the last few years.  Her work has gone downhill, which people are aware of.  This year has especially been bad for her.  

The only way I feel I can semi cope is to ignore everything from her.  I just wish I could prevent people asking me about her.  They obviously don't know we are no longer close.

Some days I think my only real option is to leave my job.  It would make things so much easier and a lot quicker to heal.  I don't really want to leave as I have worked so hard to get where I am - I have been with the company for nearly 11 years, so to throw it away due to this mess would be insane.  I don't want to feel anxious at work.  I want freedom.  I know the best way for me to get freedom is to free my own mind - stop analyzing everything - stop letting things get to me.  It's just so damn hard :'(

Any suggestions on how to get this crap not get to me?  I don't know how to get off my own roller coaster of emotions.  It sucks!

 

[Hadlee]

I don't know how the hell I am going to get through this... .

Being in the same workplace as my ex friend is so difficult.  She was on a day off today, so thought it was safe to walk past a coffee shop she has started going to.  To my surprise, she was sitting there with her shiny new toy.  No idea why she came into the area - I don't care to know anyway.

Seeing her triggered me AGAIN!  If my anxiety wasn't through the roof enough, a mutual friend of ours at work asked me if she was ok.  He said she seems to have become a bit odd - she was combative when he saw her last week.  That's the second person in a week that has asked me if she is ok.

I'm trying to move on from this mess, but there are reminders everywhere.  I just can't seem to escape.  

Whilst I had originally planned to keep very LC at work and keep any response to her message at work short and sweet in order to avoid a smear campaign, I really can't do that.  I only feel like a used piece of trash when I reply, knowing that it may be days before I hear from her again.  I'm no backup to anyone!  It's also hard when her messages are normal - I question my sanity and think maybe I'm the one with the problem.  

I have built up a strong reputation at work for people not to believe any of her crap.  The only ones that would fall for it are her shiny new toys as they don't really know me.  She has lost a lot of respect from people at work due to the amount of time she has been off sick over the last few years.  Her work has gone downhill, which people are aware of.  This year has especially been bad for her.  

The only way I feel I can semi cope is to ignore everything from her.  I just wish I could prevent people asking me about her.  They obviously don't know we are no longer close.

Some days I think my only real option is to leave my job.  It would make things so much easier and a lot quicker to heal.  I don't really want to leave as I have worked so hard to get where I am - I have been with the company for nearly 11 years, so to throw it away due to this mess would be insane.  I don't want to feel anxious at work.  I want freedom.  I know the best way for me to get freedom is to free my own mind - stop analyzing everything - stop letting things get to me.  It's just so damn hard :'(

Any suggestions on how to get this crap not get to me?  I don't know how to get off my own roller coaster of emotions.  It sucks!

 

[Mutt]

Hi Hadlee,

I'm sorry your going through this. We spend so much time at work and it has to be hard with non reciprocal love from a co-worker.

Well from where I'm looking at. What's your company like with her performance? Think they'll pull the trigger and fire her? She may be gone soon?

As far as co-workers, family, friends and whomever. Set a personal boundary to make the inquisitions go away. I went through this.

Don't justify, explain, defend yourself or her actions. Say something short.

"I'm sorry. It's not something I'd like to talk about. It's personal and I hope you understand, thanks"

You'd be surprised at how supportive and understanding people can be at times and they'll stop asking and this will go away. It's simply a boundary.

It sounds like she's not coping and it sounds like your having a hard time too. Is that shrine still up if you don't mind me asking and her shiny toy? Is this a new attachment?

I don't sense a smear campaign what I do sense is the writing is on the wall. She may be out the door with her job performance - the silver lining  Maybe find the strength to keep it together for awhile longer. You like your work and it's not something I'd take lightly because of someone's dysfunctional behaviors around the office.

I'd like to add. Don't take sides. Leave her to her own devices. She doesn't need help with her displays. She's doing this to herself. Water seeks it's own level. Take the high road Hadlee.

Use BIFF to communicate always with her. Make yourself a small target and keep your head down.

[Hadlee]

Thanks Mutt

What I had been dreading happened today... .I had to attend a meeting she was attending as well.  Fortunately, it was over the phone, so I didn't have to see her!  She didn't speak nor was her name mentioned during the meeting, which was a relief.

My boss today advised me that I will be taking on a new project.  So it seems my 'friend' will be heavily involved in it as well.  We are in different departments, but it looks like there is going to be a need for us to converse about it, most likely on a regular basis.  This is also ongoing - not just a once off thing   I will just deal with it as it comes.

As of late last week the shrine of me was very much still there.  Nothing had been removed of mine, or added relating to her shiny new toy at all.

I go back and forth in my mind as to whether she has attached to the shiny toy or not.  She spends a lot of time with him, is now playing the same games as him, and was liking things on Facebook that she never used to.  Must admit... .I did take this as 'they must be together now', but I realize that it's all mirroring.  This actually isn't unusual for her - she often starts playing a game when someone mentions something new to her.  She gets addicted to the game for a few months then moves onto another one.  

No doubt, if they were together, I would have found out about it by now.  Nothing stays quiet in our workplace.  He is basically the only supportive person she has in that place.  The other guy (best mate of the shiny toy) she used to hang out with as well has left the company, and I am no longer available to her.  

A couple of colleagues have said there is no way the shiny new toy would go there with her.  He is 10 years younger and is in love with a young girl at work.  The young girl is gorgeous, and they have history, have been friends for a number of years.  He also follows her around like a little puppy - always visiting her desk at least a couple of times a day.  Interesting though... .she is currently on holidays for a few weeks.  He never visits my 'friend'.  Also, my 'friend' has let herself go over the years - she is so frumpy looking, always looks like she just got out of bed, wears no make up, baggy clothes that are covered in cat hair, and is a tomboy.  Complete opposite to the girl he crushes on, and the previous girls he has crushed on or dated.  My 'friend' basically looks gay!  She only started wearing long dresses once she was hooked on me.  She used to ask me, "do you like my new dress?".  I haven't seen her in any new clothes since she has been hanging out with the shiny new toy.  

Her appearance or attitude has not changed one bit since she split up with her boyfriend 2 months ago.  There really is no indication that she is happy, or is in a new relationship.  I would have thought her mood would have improved and she would be making an effort with her appearance now, but no.  Her performance at work has also not improved.  

One manager tried to medically retire her a few years ago.  She managed to worm her way out of it with the company doctor.  I heard that she is now being 'managed' due to the number of sick days she has had.  She has always been protected by the General Manager.  It isn't easy to get rid of someone where we work.  She has also worked there for as long as I have.  When things get bad with her they move her to another team to for her to manage instead of really dealing with the issues.

Oh it would be nice if they did get rid of her.  It would take years for them to do it though as she would come up with the 'mental health' trump card.  I can only hope!

I also have no doubt in my mind that she would be upset with me for not responding to her Facebook message.  She usually stews on things like that!

[TheCrow]

You seem to spend a lot of time in your head trying to figure out how she felt or feeling which is totally understandable. It must be really hard because of your current situation but the best thing in my opinion is to focused on things you can do that make you feel good and gratified.

She probably have a hard time figuring out her own feelings and desires so how well can you really figure her out.  Emotions are labile for someone with BPD so there doesn't seem to be "a truth" but a constantly changing truth which can make your head spin.

[Hadlee]

You seem to spend a lot of time in your head trying to figure out how she felt or feeling which is totally understandable. It must be really hard because of your current situation but the best thing in my opinion is to focused on things you can do that make you feel good and gratified.

She probably have a hard time figuring out her own feelings and desires so how well can you really figure her out.  Emotions are labile for someone with BPD so there doesn't seem to be "a truth" but a constantly changing truth which can make your head spin.

Yup I am my own worst enemy   Analyst in my job and analyst in my life... .unfortunately

[Mutt]

One manager tried to medically retire her a few years ago.  She managed to worm her way out of it with the company doctor.  I heard that she is now being 'managed' due to the number of sick days she has had.  She has always been protected by the General Manager.  It isn't easy to get rid of someone where we work.  She has also worked there for as long as I have.  When things get bad with her they move her to another team to for her to manage instead of really dealing with the issues.

I work in an office.

Is the GM calling the shots with shuffling the problem around? Sounds like dysfunctional behavior.

What about HR?

[Hadlee]

She's very switched on and knows how to worm her way out of things.  HR will be supportive of her due to her 'mental illness'.  She knows to pull that card out when needed.  She also claims to have chronic fatigue.  It would take a lot of time and effort by management to get rid of her.

Yes the GM creates new teams for her to manage.  My friend will run to the GM with the 'poor me - I'm a victim' spiel, and the GM falls for it.

[Mutt]

Hadlee. It may be time to think and look elsewhere. How long do you think you'll put up with this. Work and life are two different things. Personally, if I had an ex in the office with mental illness in office culture. I think I'd start looking elsewhere. Office culture is dysfunctional enough and to add a personality disorder in this mix?

Outside of work, she's completely blocked. That's easy. It must be hard in an office?

This GM that's the root of the problem. How long has the GM been there? You could wait it out see if this person moves on and they put in a new GM. Where I work, if I don't like a manager I know they usually move to different areas in 24 months or slightly after. They move around so I have an idea of how long I have with a manager I dislike and stay off of the radar. I can manage like this.

There aren't many choices.

1. Work with a friend with BPD

2. Hopefully said friend is going to leave

3. New GM

You can or anyone can add to the list of options.

[Hadlee]

You are spot on Mutt.  That's where I am at with my thinking.  The only other option is to change my attitude quick smart.  Find a way to block everything out, and ignore her.  That's the hard part!

The GM has been there for over 20 years - been the GM for about 5-6 years.  I have hoped for a while that they would get a new GM - hasn't happened yet!

[Mutt]

You are spot on Mutt.  That's where I am at with my thinking.  The only other option is to change my attitude quick smart.  Find a way to block everything out, and ignore her.  That's the hard part!

The GM has been there for over 20 years - been the GM for about 5-6 years.  I have hoped for a while that they would get a new GM - hasn't happened yet!

I'm sorry. It's sad. It could very well be they don't know how to manage her. That's why the GM's solution is to shuffle her around - out of sight out of mind. Maybe when she becomes a problem in this area then they switch her again?

She is a person right? Everyone's different with different personalities. It's not personal become indifferent. Embrace the quirks. I see managers at my workplace not like someone because of their personality and not work. This article shows needed stability in their lives. I can understand if the employee is have disproportionate anger and not understanding where it's coming from.

Your friend it sounds l like doesn't cope at work either. They may have a really good employee on their hands. Your GM's the problem.

HOW TO MANAGE AN EMPLOYEE WITH BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER

Employers are often at a loss with how to deal with an employee who is diagnosed with the Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) that is prevalent in an estimated 10 million Americans.

Many employers and co-workers are not prepared to handle someone who displays the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder. But a workplace environment can actually provide someone with BPD a degree of much-needed stability in their lives.

BPD Symptoms that Effect the Workplace

An employee with Borderline Personality Disorder may be a good worker when they are not overtaken by their symptoms, but their BPD symptoms may cause them to act inappropriately to various workplace situations.

According to the National Association of Mental Illness (NAMI), people with Borderline Personality Disorder often exhibit many of the following BPD symptoms:

◦Inappropriate, intense, or uncontrollable anger

◦Mood swings with periods of intense depression, irritability, and/or anxiety lasting a few hours to a few days

◦Impulsiveness in spending, sex, substance use, shoplifting, reckless driving, or binge eating

◦Recurring suicidal threats or self-injurious behavior

◦Unstable, intense personal relationships with extreme, black-and-white views of people and experiences

◦Marked, persistent uncertainty about self-image, long-term goals, friendships, and values

◦Chronic boredom or feelings of emptiness

◦Frantic efforts to avoid abandonment, either real or imagined

Criticism by a co-worker or supervisor, professional detachment, or moodiness can trigger feelings of abandonment or rejection which can lead to outbursts of rage, self-injury, or other impulsive behaviors.

In some cases, employees with Borderline Personality Disorder may play co-workers against each other or spread gossip without considering the effects they have on their colleagues. Employees with BPD can create divisions in the workplace through their passionate expressions about how other people have been either always helpful or always harmful to them.

Helping an Employee with BPD

As an employer, providing an employee with Borderline Personality Disorder as much consistency as possible is important. You should try to value each employee’s quirks and personalities as potential strengths in the organization rather than discouraging specific behaviors.

On the other hand, you need to be sure to set limits and focus on proper workplace conduct, completion of assigned tasks, and consideration of co-worker feelings. You must also be prepared for angry protests and even tolerant of the possibility that the employee with BPD will be angry at you for unknown reasons.

Problems and complaints should be discussed specifically and with specific suggestions for improvement. Supervisory meetings should not deteriorate into arguments.

If efforts to manage an employee with Borderline Personality Disorder have not gotten you anywhere, there are ways to get help. According to the National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder (NEA-BPD), you can contact the Employee Assistance Program coordinator at your company to assist the employee. You can convince your employee with Borderline Personality Disorder that talking with someone through the Employee Assistance Program might be helpful to get through a stressful period or to deal with an issue so that you aren’t left feeling helpless.

Many people think that if a person tries hard enough, they can control their moods or behaviors in certain areas of their daily lives. But that’s not always the case. People diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder may need professional BPD treatment to learn how to manage the symptoms that interfere with a productive work life. Be encouraging of your employee if they do decide to seek Borderline Personality Disorder treatment, as you may be investing in an employee who shines in the long-run.

www.borderlinepersonalitytreatment.com/managing-employee-with-BPD.html

[ghoststory]

going through this as well , I did go through a brief smearing phase and she even got the manager to schedule us opposite shifts on the premise I was bothering her with my 3 instances of asking if we could talk(costing me hours) as well as seeing me at the store next  door and framed that as following her ,,only to drop it as soon as I asked for a transfer ,wth? the silent treatment stopped and we talk on a civil manner briefly that she just started out of the blue but no trying to return to friendship ,,as before she would always ask "still friends?"

there was an extreme white phase and seemed like romance may occur but I backed off because the co worker thing (right move)

stayed friends and still got the same treatment as if romance did occur ,

my approach was that of taking the high road ,,though bothered never said anything negative about her , when people asked and assumed there was something deeper going on I would just say two friends having a disagreement it will pass and leave it at that , if someone mentioned her and asked if things were better I would throw in a warm sentiment on not yet but I never stop loving my friends , in case it was relayed , and last when approached in a rude manner by her I replied calmly " I don't know why you think I am your enemy I am your friend and love you " I could tell she was tearing up even though trying like might to remain cold , but at that I left and boom next week silent cold treatment over ,

now of course not exactly the same situation and in honesty I still am highly uncomfortable in her presence and go as limited contact as possible , the peace at work is restored and that was my main goal ,, but to the other co workers I appeared to be calm and rational she appeared extremely hostile and angry over petty issues I take no gratification from that just saying it made my mind and self esteem feel better ,,

[Hadlee]

Oh my goodness!  This is exactly what she does... .

In some cases, employees with Borderline Personality Disorder may play co-workers against each other without considering the effects they have on their colleagues. Employees with BPD can create divisions in the workplace through their passionate expressions about how other people have been either always helpful or always harmful to them.

Reading that gave me shivers

She has dived her current team due to her not addressing issues with one of her staff.  She isn't managing him despite multiple complaints about him.  She gives him whatever he wants to keep him happy, and not lash out at her.  This is one reason all other team members have lost all respect for her.

[Mutt]

She has dived her current team due to her not addressing issues with one of her staff.  She isn't managing him despite multiple complaints about him.  She gives him whatever he wants to keep him happy, and not lash out at her.  This is one reason all other team members have lost all respect for her.

Sounds like she treats workers like kids? Wow.

[Hadlee]

Mutt - she does treat them like children.  She's had all the management training in the world, but it has made no difference.  Another complaint from her staff is, "she just wants to be everyone's friend instead of being our manager"

It's funny now when I recall a conversation I had with another manager last year after she told me my friend was struggling with her new team of staff.  My response was, "whenever she goes into a new team to manage, there is always chaos"  Haha this was before I knew of BPD

Ghoststory - I love this... ."go as limited contact as possible , the peace at work is restored and that was my main goal ,, but to the other co workers I appeared to be calm and rational she appeared extremely hostile and angry over petty issues I take no gratification from that just saying it made my mind and self esteem feel better"

Sorry you have been through a similar situation to me, but it's nice to know I'm not the only one that's experienced it

[ghoststory]

thank you ,

in honesty it is tough, I would have normally just engaged in anger but I did find her behavior off enough to go online and put 2 and 2 together , not knowing of BPD , but still it takes a lot of energy to maintain my composure and the hurt is still there but giving more drama would have been worse , I am sorry you are going  through this to and yes nice to know as well I am also not alone