"Fixing" the pwBPD = healing ourselves

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I've been re-reading member 2010's posts (as I encourage everyone to do), and I came across this quote.

At a certain point we all feel shame for not being able to “fix” the disorder.  And the more you read about addiction, the more you’ll understand that it really is about a “fix.” Uncertainty versus hope equals bargaining and denial of the dilemma can lead to toxic shame.  All of these “psychology today” terms that really stem from a spiritual wound that needs healing. There are reasons for this.

The BPD partner is really a representative of what you think will “fix” your spiritual wound.

My relationship with my exBPDbf opened my eyes to a lot of truths about myself. Our behavior is reflective of what's going on with our inner selves, and whether or not we are living in accordance with who we are. The wounds that were laid open by my ex were (mostly) there before him, and even though it hurt like hell, examining those wounds has taught me a lot about who I am and why.

It's important to approach this without judgment -- we are all broken in our ways, and that's not a bad thing; we are humans trying our best to survive; and we are lovable and worthwhile. Our traits and behaviors are not "bad" or "good," but rather healthy or unhealthy for us as individuals. Once we can begin to look at ourselves this way, with compassion and acceptance, we can start to "fix" that spiritual wound.

What do you think your relationship with your ex can teach you about yourself and your own spiritual wound?

[HappyNihilist]

I've been re-reading member 2010's posts (as I encourage everyone to do), and I came across this quote.

At a certain point we all feel shame for not being able to “fix” the disorder.  And the more you read about addiction, the more you’ll understand that it really is about a “fix.” Uncertainty versus hope equals bargaining and denial of the dilemma can lead to toxic shame.  All of these “psychology today” terms that really stem from a spiritual wound that needs healing. There are reasons for this.

The BPD partner is really a representative of what you think will “fix” your spiritual wound.

My relationship with my exBPDbf opened my eyes to a lot of truths about myself. Our behavior is reflective of what's going on with our inner selves, and whether or not we are living in accordance with who we are. The wounds that were laid open by my ex were (mostly) there before him, and even though it hurt like hell, examining those wounds has taught me a lot about who I am and why.

It's important to approach this without judgment -- we are all broken in our ways, and that's not a bad thing; we are humans trying our best to survive; and we are lovable and worthwhile. Our traits and behaviors are not "bad" or "good," but rather healthy or unhealthy for us as individuals. Once we can begin to look at ourselves this way, with compassion and acceptance, we can start to "fix" that spiritual wound.

What do you think your relationship with your ex can teach you about yourself and your own spiritual wound?

[Jmanster]

My exBPD has taught me that I have to stand up for myself, even though that not what she wanted... .She practically wanted me to be her slave and emotional wind up toy. However, she has shown me sides of myself that I didn't knew existed, and this is what I am thankful for. I have found out the issues in my inner core and how I can fix them. Each relationship is a lesson.

[caughtnreleased]

Hi, me too.  My BPDex showed me many sides of myself that I had tries to hide away, forget, and pretend they didn't exist, most notably my own vulnerability. I too am very grateful for that.  It was a difficult emotional experience I've had to date, but I think I've changed a lot, and for the better, and for that I am grateful.

[Pingo]

My r/s with my ex ended bc I finally stood up for myself.  I finally said 'no, you aren't going to treat me like that, I don't deserve to be treated like that'.   I realised that 'fixing' him or us was not my priority.  I was my priority.  I learned that I have been stuffing down my feelings for a lifetime.  I have numbed, denied, distracted myself from and have tried to bypass my wounded child all my life.  This BU brought my wound to the surface, impossible to ignore any longer.  Out of desperation to not ever repeat this r/s, I jumped into the wound.  SCARY!  And there have been moments, days, even weeks where I wish I could go back to that place of ignorance and not have to feel this way.  But then I remind myself of the possibilities if I were to be healthy.  This keeps me pushing forward.  Not coincidently, my ex has many, many similarities to my mother.  And with this r/s I have been able to really face my tormented r/s with my mother and see it for what it was and is.  Finally a possibility of healing.

[HappyNihilist]

Hi, me too.  My BPDex showed me many sides of myself that I had tries to hide away, forget, and pretend they didn't exist, most notably my own vulnerability. I too am very grateful for that.  It was a difficult emotional experience I've had to date, but I think I've changed a lot, and for the better, and for that I am grateful.

caughtnreleased, my ex also made me see a lot of sides of myself that I'd denied, ignored, etc. I feel much more enlightened. And what a beautiful perspective you have. You sound like you're in a very good place. 

Not coincidently, my ex has many, many similarities to my mother.  And with this r/s I have been able to really face my tormented r/s with my mother and see it for what it was and is.  Finally a possibility of healing.

Pingo, this is frighteningly similar to my experience. It has certainly been eye-opening. I'm so glad that you've been able to use your experience with your ex to find a path to healing your core wounds, Pingo. 

My exBPD has taught me that I have to stand up for myself, even though that not what she wanted... .She practically wanted me to be her slave and emotional wind up toy. However, she has shown me sides of myself that I didn't knew existed, and this is what I am thankful for. I have found out the issues in my inner core and how I can fix them. Each relationship is a lesson.

Jmanster, that's a great way to put it: "each relationship is a lesson." We just have to be willing students and put in the necessary work.