Moving out? Should I wait till she is out of town?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am planning on filing for divorce in January. This roller coaster has finally gained enough insight to head for new tracks. I have given this relationship so many chances to improve but there is little hope other than to accept her or move on. I am choosing to move on.

She has made many threats in the past of destroying my things and creating overall havoc in my world. None of which have come true. I do live in fear of this woman and I do think that once papers are served that my life will be a living hell for quite some time.

To ease the transition of living together I might wait until she is out of town at a workshop or seminar and plan the move out for that week. That way I can safely remove my things, and none of hers, to storage or a new apartment. It would be the most peaceful way to exit but I'm not sure it's totally right to do to her. Abandonment issues will be tested to the max.

My question is to all of you: Should I move out when she is out of town or do it when she is around? Both have interesting consequences.

[propunchingbag]

I am planning on filing for divorce in January. This roller coaster has finally gained enough insight to head for new tracks. I have given this relationship so many chances to improve but there is little hope other than to accept her or move on. I am choosing to move on.

She has made many threats in the past of destroying my things and creating overall havoc in my world. None of which have come true. I do live in fear of this woman and I do think that once papers are served that my life will be a living hell for quite some time.

To ease the transition of living together I might wait until she is out of town at a workshop or seminar and plan the move out for that week. That way I can safely remove my things, and none of hers, to storage or a new apartment. It would be the most peaceful way to exit but I'm not sure it's totally right to do to her. Abandonment issues will be tested to the max.

My question is to all of you: Should I move out when she is out of town or do it when she is around? Both have interesting consequences.

[almosthadme]

Hey Punchingbag,at this point do not worry about her and take care of yourself.I think it is a great idea to get all your stuff to safety then leave.If you feel bad you can always be there and talk to her and let her know why you are leaving.You are in a good spot just do what you need to do and do not worry about her.I am sure she will try and Mess with your life but you will get through it and be a better person.Oh ans just so you know mine went a way and stayed away. 

[Pou]

I am planning on filing for divorce in January. This roller coaster has finally gained enough insight to head for new tracks. I have given this relationship so many chances to improve but there is little hope other than to accept her or move on. I am choosing to move on.

She has made many threats in the past of destroying my things and creating overall havoc in my world. None of which have come true. I do live in fear of this woman and I do think that once papers are served that my life will be a living hell for quite some time.

To ease the transition of living together I might wait until she is out of town at a workshop or seminar and plan the move out for that week. That way I can safely remove my things, and none of hers, to storage or a new apartment. It would be the most peaceful way to exit but I'm not sure it's totally right to do to her. Abandonment issues will be tested to the max.

My question is to all of you: Should I move out when she is out of town or do it when she is around? Both have interesting consequences.

maybe do the soft landing approach and tell her that you think separation will improve your relationship.  you just need time to sort some stuff out.  will that work?  anyone who has gone through it, please provide some input.

[Pingo]

propunchingbag, I believe from my experience that if your gut says that she is capable of wreaking havoc then you should listen to your gut.  Separation/divorce will surely bring out the worse in her.  You do what you need to do to take care of you.  Don't underestimate what she's capable of because you don't want to hurt her or make her feel abandoned.

[propunchingbag]

Thanks everyone. I think it's a go with my gut moment. I cannot file until I get my things out so I will plan on January when she is at a seminar.

There are too many stories of others being held hostage by their BPDex with family items etc to ignore her threats. It would really suck to be manipulated more than I already have.

[pallavirajsinghani]

Please make sure to make a video record of what you are taking and what you are leaving behind.  As she may claim that you stole her stuff.

[propunchingbag]

Please make sure to make a video record of what you are taking and what you are leaving behind.  As she may claim that you stole her stuff.

Excellent point. I really plan on leaving most things behind that are not sentimental. Beds, dressers, tables. I want to purge badly.

I will shoot a video before and after walk through.

[Spartacus]

It is definitely a good idea to go with your gut instincts. For me it was firstly a case of wanting some space to reflect on the relationship and think away from the gas lighting and FOG. My uBPDw was unable to give me that. She said that I needed to park my needs and recognize that she was going through a really crap time (there was always something wrong throughout my time of knowing her and it was always someone else's fault). This meant me being with her all the time or rather me waiting for her all the time whilst she went off to meet friends, the gym, working in a café. Her dysregulated behavior steadily intensified until I knew I had to look after myself and get away. I packed up the car with most of my stuff whilst she was out and waited for her to come home. When she didn't after 3hrs I phoned her, she rarely answered the phone, and I left a message saying I needed some space and was going away for a while. I left a message for her father at the same time saying that I could no longer look after her and that I needed the time apart. I hoped he could be there for her. Then I drove off to my sister's place. The most distressing experience of my life. I recognized I had become totally codependent and was reacting to her demands and behaviour with no boundaries. I am glad that she was not there as I am convinced she would have performed and gas lit and persuaded me to stay. But my gut said enough! That was 5 months ago. I wrote her a letter explaining why I left and went NC.