A step back or a step forward?

[mrshambles]

Arg. I let me get the best of me last night. I texted the ex after a night out with the guys drinking. I think I was just looking for answers that, of course, I didn't get. All I got was a bunch of crappy msgs telling me about her the man she was "falling for". Also included in the the messages was her saying she plans to f*** him, and basically I'm a piece of s***. No matter what I asked as to why things ended, she couldn't answer. Im not going to lie, reading that shattered me. But... .I think I needed that. I think I finally needed to feel the hate, feel the anger I've held in, instead of viewing her as someone who can't control herself and pitying her. I told her I hated her and to only talk business from her on out regarding our son. I also said that I've never been a relationship that had ended, with someone saying the ___ty things she said. I don't know. I know everything I did last night was not for the best, but I'm

Actually glad I did. I actually hate her now. And lord knows I should have hated her for all

She crappy things she did for 4 1/2 years. Just venting I guess. Who the hell tells their ex their ex they plan on f***ing someone else? So pissed.

[Pingo]

mrshambles, I'm sorry that she says such hurtful things.  Many of us here have reached out after our BU only to be shattered all over again.  That anger you are feeling now is so important in moving forward!  You are seeing the unfairness, the cruelty and abuse.  And this is good!  Because this is when you can take the focus off of her and start focusing on YOU! 

[artfulwarrior]

"A step back or forwards?"... .well... .in nearly 40 years of life, my experiences have told me that it's all up to how I ended up and perceive it. A bit of both if you look at it with depth and reason. I found myself in a "end of relationship" phase where contact was not a good idea nor respectful of her requests and self-serving as they naturally were. I'm also very fortunate as to never have bred with this defectie personality, so no need for custody arrangements as you very well are obligated with. There was a trade-off for that fortunate gift to me... .I was left with the loss of 2 stepchildren that I loved and adore to this day... .and weep for as if they're dead to me. So that weighs on me in lieu of shared kids with our BPD ex.

Brother, if it can make sense now or in a delayed manner, please remember this, for it gave me some sense of peace eventually after the 3 years of masochistic torture to myself. I was left with the rather stark realization, and making peace with the most horrible relationship I've ever had, by understanding one simple, lone fact about a woman who used me in classic BPD fashion. The past simply could not have happened in any other way... .which friggin' blows as a zen mantra, believe me. As sick as it sounds, I secretly wish that I could at least have that sado-masochistic exchanges with my ex as you've stated... .but utter absentee status w/o contact, with insufferable grief of losing the 2 most perfect children I ever could have asked for... .was to be my recovery story from my personal nightmare. No contact since she ripped my heart out in March and did her best to emasculate me at a time of personal anxiety. Instead of getting texts like in your case, I had to watch her slutting it up on Facebook, posting pics of the same type of behavior I came to listen to that was happening before our "relationship... .and she became again the same egotistical freak-show that I met straight out of rehab, whom then had some sense of accountability and vulnerability most people exhibit fresh out of a facility; "putting in the work". Though, after leaving the path of recovery a year prior and trying to make us work... .I watched her reemerge as what she was prior. I would get no real closure, no measurable redemption for what I realized I was not responsible in making right... .no real admission from mine for what these people are classically known for doing in the wake of the disasters they go on to, one after the next. They project all their crap onto us; and the women? No offense to my gender counterparts... .but they already, as women, have that dubiously powerful position in the dynamic of gender reality, to emasculate and hurt us, as men. they can hurt us in, only the way a woman who has known the most intimate parts of us, can really do. You know what I mean? These BPD woman know exactly what buttons to press to hurt us, even from beyond the breakup. It's a testament to their sickness and you'll see that in time, I truly hope. they are absolutely exhausting as far as people go.

Mr, Shambles... .I feel your confusion and pain. Also I find it deeply awesome to share a similar sense of confusion around an obvious point of shifting and not realizing how to digest it and perceive what's happening properly. If it's of any meaning to you... .changing my own way of talking to myself, with my internal dialogue was huge. Little things like changing Mr. Shambles to Mr.MendingPieces would look like the type of subtle and representative changes I made, in  my world, that were so monumental in my transforming this year to move forward. In therapy from anxiety attacks, for me, moving back to a real place of stability started with rewriting my story with new self-speak. Putting a positive and self-supporting spin on things helped renew my self-respect. This is what men like us have classically lost to female versions who embody this parasitic condition.  My breakup happened in January, so the calendar has been corresponding in an odd way. Not sure where you are on your timeline. Give it time and be kind to yourself. Your awesomeness will return and your success in moving forward will crush her sincerest hopes to see you in pain... .no matter what she's tried to get you to believe ;-)

[mrshambles]

Very good words guys. I really appreciate the support. My time line? We broke up about a month ago for the 30th time . We had been together for 4 1/2 years. I feel your pain Art. She had 2 little girls I raised in that time, as there dad wasn't around. We also have a child together ourselves. I think a big problem I've had, is allowing myself to feel it. When I drink its like the cap comes off, and instead of the emotions slowly coming out, they rush out like a flooded river. Most days im okay. I just don't think i have allowed myself to hate her for the things she did/is doing. To be honest, I'm pretty scared what the next 15 years is going to bring. I'm handcuffed. The crappy words hurt, but I think I'm more scared of the times when her relationships fail.

[fromheeltoheal]

So pissed.

You're hurt first, and then angry; anger is a secondary emotion.  That's good though, anger is a stage of grieving and can be your friend right now as you work on your detachment; if you hate her right now you will be less likely to want to contact her, which is a good thing, especially when you're drunk.  The experience is also a good way to check in with where you are with your detachment and I think you'd agree you're not detached yet.  Best to see what else you can learn from the experience, what new decisions you need to make, and what the next steps are to move forward and focus on the future instead of the past.

[myself]

Keep working toward acceptance. Feeling your feelings while you do. Hate, pain, FOG are temporary. Being there for your kid goes on and on. Letting go helps us get a better grip on ourselves. We can choose to change.

[artfulwarrior]

Right on, Mr.Shambles. Fully, you seem to get that sense of loss with the children. I lack the ability to identify, not having one WITH the BPD individual and couldn't really speak intelligently there. But I believe our shared experience is about the genuine love we had for them despite the trauma and torment of the romantic relationship. That is the stuff that was very real for me... .and you too, I would think.

If I can also be very open and honest, I medicated heavily with cocaine in the wake of my breakup... with some indescribable rhythm... and that's my own stuff, but getting to the stage where the pain isn't so powerful, that you can taste it... .takes really digging in and not escaping the resolution that you can find on your own, WITH A CLEAR HEAD! I spoke about how understanding the past as something that couldn't have been anything different... .and how wrapping my head around it, took an indefinable amount of time that was unique to me and my situation; and that's the way it was. I still find myself weeping, nearly a year later... .indiscriminately, at times cause all the stuff involved with these personality types... .Is friggin' draining from the spirit like nothing else. And when I get drunk, I start wailing like a widower. I try not to drink it away too often, cause that stuff really doesn't do much but impede and distort my perception, sometimes pushing me towards that pity party crap, you know?  Then I really start screwing myself into chronic sadness. Don't get me wrong, there's a time to cry but a time to move on to the next stage... .and you'll be there, when you're there. Just know that you can do it before you're ready if you want :-) But either way... .it's about time and the healing it brings to everyone, respectively.