Massive barney with the ex BPD on the phone

[Caredverymuch]

Fear of abandonment. Real or perceived,  When they think you are going to leave they have to leave you first!  You said you were going to block her so she blocked you first!  You are trying to settle adult matters with a three-year-old.  My ex used to block my phone number during any argument at all, this is the equivalent of A three-year-old not getting their way and running to their room and slamming the door shut!  But they are going to Open the door again to see if mummy and daddy are still there! It is a childish game because the three-year-old slammed the door shut but is still in the house and is going to come right back out of their room as soon as they NEED something! I want somebody to love me back not just need me for something.  If she loved you back she would have gotten treatment instead of a new boyfriend. So look at it this way? Her blocking you is a childish game of slamming the door! YOU on the other hand having a adult mind when you block her it is the adult saying to the child go to your room and do not come out until you are done being bad!  Don't play the childish game and keep opening and closing the door, she is going to keep contacting you! To be safe I would say less than a week, in reality I would say within the next 48 hours at best! If she does contact you be the parent, The adult! Put her in her room and do not let her out unless she is done being bad! -block her.  Let her know you mean business. Either be good for my life or get out of my life.  She will not stop hurting or bothering you as long as you keep allowing her to.  It is the nature of the disorder. I know it sucks and I totally relate to what you are going through and feel the same way but it is the only way, The reality is that with out years of intense therapy and commitment to it nobody will ever be able to tolerate them so why should you?

Targeted, this is very solid feedback. As Skip has said here on this board.  Something has to change.  This is exactly what I ultimately did. Put up every boundary and blocked every means of communication.  Not for a reaction from my ex. 

For me. To echo your words: If you are not good for my life, get out of my life.

And this final act was indeed the push I needed to get to full detachment and freedom. 

[Splitblack4good]

Thanks guys you are being really helpfull and it's amazing how much that I am learning about this disorder and some things they do are so unreal its mind blowing.

It's funny about what you were just saying that contact is possible from her again withon 48hours she has just this second text me ! Saying hi sorry I ignored you round Paul's today (that's out mutual freind ) now I wasn't expecting that and your right any contact is contact from Her ! I have not replied.

[evilpepsi]

I already know my fate. she will try to make contact again. she recycles. im the first new guy in years. she goes back to old guys when things fall apart. she is back with one of them now, the narcissistic ex. they cannot go a month without fighting. i am the guy that her family wanted her with. her daughter loves me, and her mom cried because it ended. i have heard from both that i was the best that she has had and that no man, not even the daughters dad, treated her like i did.

her mom is worried about what will happen to her when she stops splitting and realizes what she has done. i don't care. life goes on for me and im moving much too quickly to ever let a woman slow me down... .

[downwhim]

Splitbalack4 good, You have value and worth! Do not let her devalue you. They do this by cramming another person down your throat. It is sick and it is hateful and they have no clue the damage they do to us! My opinion is N/C has worked for me in the fact I do not get caught up in his madness.

As you said, your a good person. Detaching will allow you to see that conversations with this person are toxic. She is borderline. She is mentally ill. You are not.

I hope you will continue to post here and get the support you need. Go easy on yourself and let her go... .she is not worth your love.

It has been two months for me. The man I loved and was engaged to walked out and sent me an email saying it was over. Cold, selfish and replaced me. Why would I really want a man like him? Think about it, why do you need someone who cannot truly commit.  Get married and it would be worse. It is like their words are cheap. They meaning nothing.

Be strong... .hang in there and N/C.

[peiper]

BPDs seem to usually have a replacement lined up. Mine did a month after we we're married. I think it's because they know the relationship won't work out and their scared to death of being alone. I'm getting blocked calls in the early morning, so it leads me to believe there's trouble in paradise.  I have no intention of answering.  It would just start the same games.

[Splitblack4good]

BPDs seem to usually have a replacement lined up. Mine did a month after we we're married. I think it's because they know the relationship won't work out and their scared to death of being alone. I'm getting blocked calls in the early morning, so it leads me to believe there's trouble in paradise.  I have no intention of answering.  It would just start the same games.

[/quote

Mine def did the guy she is with now . The more time goes by after the split you start to work it out in your mind . About two weeks before we split up she was getting colder towards me and replys to texts were getting fewer something triggered her plus I could sense it was getting sour . Then the big argument we had the day of the break up confirmed it . 12 hours later she was with my replacement .

[peiper]

Seems like they always have an exit strategy. Mine did, the last argument wasn't even an argument. All I said is what's wrong and calm down and lets talk about this.She'd  told me months before that she was doing a character assassination of myself to her family. It was a planned out thing.

[Splitblack4good]

Seems like they always have an exit strategy. Mine did, the last argument wasn't even an argument. All I said is what's wrong and calm down and lets talk about this.She'd  told me months before that she was doing a character assassination of myself to her family. It was a planned out thing.

Looking back on it the day before the split she seemed not sure weather or not we were gona break up she told me she wasn't coping to well I guess the abandonment fear was at 100% that night then the next morning I broke up with her as she started a massive argument . Come to think of it that's proberly why she started it coz in her mind I had abandoned her they are confusing ppl .

[peiper]

If they can they abandon first because they fear we will abandon them and it gives them the false feeling of having control over their lives. I'm going to hurt you before you hurt me

[hope2727]

The man I loved and was engaged to walked out and sent me an email saying it was over. Cold, selfish and replaced me. Why would I really want a man like him? Think about it, why do you need someone who cannot truly commit.  Get married and it would be worse. It is like their words are cheap. They meaning nothing.

Downwhim

wow that really hit home for me. Thanks I needed that. It sums up my ex fiancee so completely.

[Targeted]

Hi splitblack,

I read on another post that she did not even make 12 hours before unblocking and contacting you again and said sorry, they are just so predictable it's not even funny, so the little child that ran to her room and slammed the door ( blocked you )  opened the door ( unblocked you ) because she NEEDED to go to the bathroom ( her phone ) and eliminate (her feelings ) and then flush her emotional toilet ( contacting you ) .  Ask yourself how long you want to be her toilet?  I think some here May still or at least at one point wish they would get help for their emotional issues and be willing to do the work to help carry them through it, I know I would have, Think about how great of a person you are to be willing to do that! Learning about this disorder and knowing how much work that would be for anyone to take on I think that speaks volumes about your ability to love and your character.  The fact Is though she don't want help for her problem, she does not know or think she has one,  without the therapy that she is not getting all you are going to get is more hurt, mine went from hate and blame messages to messages of missing me to Messages of just wanting me to come up  and F her and then back to hate and blame! This confusion is what you are in store for if you keep contact with her and it is designed to keep you in the FOG, dazed and confused and mindlessly there for her when she needs to flush her toilet. If you want to do anything positive for the relationship than go NC!  Even if you got rid of the boyfriend You would still be in a triangulated relationship between you and her and a disorder! One that produces boyfriends.  So no therapy than NO CONTACT!   don't even think about it.

[Splitblack4good]

Well it's been 3 days nearly i havnt heard from her ! I've stayed no contact . I'm hoping now I can start to heal !

[Targeted]

I hope the same for both of us,  i'm still very hurt by this myself.

[Splitblack4good]

I hope the same for both of us,  i'm still very hurt by this myself.

I did send her a text 2 days ago asking what she ment by sorry that day and wished her a happy Xmas and new year but didn't get a reply .

Targeted many thanks again for your advise Thers a few things you said to me that I keep telling myself and its making things easier for sure

[Splitblack4good]

She has also left me unblocked on her phone so we will see if she does contact me anytime soon and I will keep u updated . A few ppl are saying I may here from her when the replacement and her have ther first argument but we will see I also put in that text to her I am moving forward with my life and to not contact me so 2 and half days seems as she has respected that .

[peiper]

She has also left me unblocked on her phone so we will see if she does contact me anytime soon and I will keep u updated . A few ppl are saying I may here from her when the replacement and her have ther first argument but we will see I also put in that text to her I am moving forward with my life and to not contact me so 2 and half days seems as she has respected that .

Bro your thinking too much. I did the same, save yourself all the pain and let go. You'll be much better off.

[Splitblack4good]

She has also left me unblocked on her phone so we will see if she does contact me anytime soon and I will keep u updated . A few ppl are saying I may here from her when the replacement and her have ther first argument but we will see I also put in that text to her I am moving forward with my life and to not contact me so 2 and half days seems as she has respected that .

Bro your thinking too much. I did the same, save yourself all the pain and let go. You'll be much better off.

Yer maybe but seems to be the reality of it up to date and based on the facts I know if I know I will be better off without her I just need a littleore time .

[Targeted]

I am glad some of my experience could help, I do not think she will answer that question but I am sure she will contact you again soon for something, most likely something hateful, at least until she starts devaluing this guy, I would bet my money that The relationship she is in now does not go past 4-5 months and it has already been one, my ultimate guess is 10 more weeks. This is all a guess based on what I know about my exes traits in the past, they are not the same person obviously so things could vary a little but it is the same disorder, so if you are going to leave communication open to her please prepare yourself so that you do not get sucked back in and get hurt even worse because anything short of her making a commitment to herself and getting therapy to fix her issues that is all that is going to happen and it will be worse, it got worse each time for me, I got sucked back in numerous times because our break ups were so short I never had a chance to get out of the fog, my progression--

She thought I did not love her enough so she went out on a date.  no Break up first.

Result- I forgave her and told her not to do that again.  Never heard about the guy again.

2. Had an argument so she went on a dating site again, started talking to a guy and broke up with me for one day to go out with him.

R- she got mad at me at dinner once in a restaurant and left and went to have a beer with him again and it took two months to make that go away,

3. Disregulated again and back on dating site. Admission of physical cheating!  Just hands!  At least she said!  Months of stress and uncertainty followed, compounded with my now full lack of trust and hurt from cheating and her answer to this was that she does not feel bad because we were broken up!--  actual break up was only 3 days.

4. Caught her on a dating site again and I lost it and left and said I'm done!

R- 5 months of email and texting hatred, projections, blame, taunting, and mixed messages of missing me and loving me and back to hatred. Messages went in this circle numerous times,  at about the 3 week mark because I did not cave she called child services  on me numerous times to try to get my kids taken away because she knew that would hurt me more than anything! It took up to 11 days ago for that reality of what she will do to me to sink in because of being so deep in FOG.  Now 11 days later I am happy to be finally NC,  now just need to find out why I would allow it to go that far and stop missing her for what was good because the bad that goes with it far outweighs the good by 99%.  It's tough to cut through the FOG!

[Splitblack4good]

Sounds like you really are goin thru a tuff time target tbh the more time I'm having away from her I'm truly seeing the real person she is and she isn't a nice person atall and only thinks of herself and can't help but lie she was round a mutuel freinds house today telling lies about our relationship in front of her new bf (my replacement ) to the point I think he just shook his head bless her always being the centre of attention and the victim ! .

[Targeted]

Thank you split, I am having a very difficult time just like everybody else,  but helping and caring is in my nature and I like that about myself, it is very disappointing that I could not help my ex because I cared so much but if sharing my experiences helps somebody before their experiences get as bad as mine did then I am still being helpful and it is also helping me to heal, I do not want this experience to turn me into a cold uncaring person, if my Sharing of my experience eventually helps just one person even in a minute Small way then to me I turned a negative into a positive and I believe that is how you move forward.  I believe there are people Who are just discovering this site and have not even joined yet reading our posts and it is starting to make a difference, that's how I got on here.  It is at least a start to think that you are posting and getting feedback and figuring things out and healing as well as maybe helping somebody out along the way.   Keep posting.

[Splitblack4good]

Yes I am goin to carry on posting on here regardless of what happens with the ex and I (she still hasn't made contact !) you sound likes target a ppl pleaser ! That's what got me sucked in to all this mess with a borderline in the first place . After reading most posts about NC I'm actually pleased with myself as I seem to be doing well with it the urge is getting less and less and the contact I sent was one text wishing merry Xmas and why she would say sorry after seeing me tbh I'm suppressed she hasnt text me by now it was always once every 2/3 days ? I'm getting the feeling I may get one over Xmas as she is going to be on her own after the kids go off to ther nans house Boxing Day new bf got family of his own . Plus if I do hear from her the NC will give me time to think about what I should do if that time comes .

[Splitblack4good]

I am glad some of my experience could help, I do not think she will answer that question but I am sure she will contact you again soon for something, most likely something hateful, at least until she starts devaluing this guy, I would bet my money that The relationship she is in now does not go past 4-5 months and it has already been one, my ultimate guess is 10 more weeks. This is all a guess based on what I know about my exes traits in the past, they are not the same person obviously so things could vary a little but it is the same disorder, so if you are going to leave communication open to her please prepare yourself so that you do not get sucked back in and get hurt even worse because anything short of her making a commitment to herself and getting therapy to fix her issues that is all that is going to happen and it will be worse, it got worse each time for me, I got sucked back in numerous times because our break ups were so short I never had a chance to get out of the fog, my progression--

She thought I did not love her enough so she went out on a date.  no Break up first.

Result- I forgave her and told her not to do that again.  Never heard about the guy again.

2. Had an argument so she went on a dating site again, started talking to a guy and broke up with me for one day to go out with him.

R- she got mad at me at dinner once in a restaurant and left and went to have a beer with him again and it took two months to make that go away,

3. Disregulated again and back on dating site. Admission of physical cheating!  Just hands!  At least she said!  Months of stress and uncertainty followed, compounded with my now full lack of trust and hurt from cheating and her answer to this was that she does not feel bad because we were broken up!--  actual break up was only 3 days.

4. Caught her on a dating site again and I lost it and left and said I'm done!

R- 5 months of email and texting hatred, projections, blame, taunting, and mixed messages of missing me and loving me and back to hatred. Messages went in this circle numerous times,  at about the 3 week mark because I did not cave she called child services  on me numerous times to try to get my kids taken away because she knew that would hurt me more than anything! It took up to 11 days ago for that reality of what she will do to me to sink in because of being so deep in FOG.  Now 11 days later I am happy to be finally NC,  now just need to find out why I would allow it to go that far and stop missing her for what was good because the bad that goes with it far outweighs the good by 99%.  It's tough to cut through the FOG!

Targeted  ,I bumped into my eBPDgf  ex best freind today who has nothing good to say about my ex now she actually sees her lies and figured her out straight away and doesn't want to know her . she also told me something that really made a difference to how I was feeling she said I was the best thing that happened to her she is an idiot for pushing me away she has no doubt that her and my replacement will not last she said she was supprised it's lasted this long already ! (Her ex best freind knows my replacement ) was told he doesn't really care for her in his mind it's just a casual thing. I was also told that all my ex does is talk about me most of the time ! It's mostly rambling tho . I think my ex has set herself up for a hard fall this time as she is obsessed with him due to idolising him right now and obviously the BPD. But he is just using her and telling her what she wants to hear ! Explains why my replacement is so laid back and doesn't seem to be botherd or batter an eye lid whent name is mentioned !

Targeted any views on this