Falling further down the rabbit hole...

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I need to vent, and I need someone to tell me that I'm not going insane. And if anyone has any advice, that would be much appreciated too.

This is my first post here. My girlfriend is dBPD. She would be devastated if she knew I was writing what follows, but I'm at breaking point and I figure an anonymous forum is a lesser evil than talking to someone she knows.

Objectively I think I can see what's going on fairly accurately but I struggle to stay strong and to behave the right way when she's in the middle of an episode and I'm being verbally/emotionally attacked and/or she's threatening suicide. I also didn't realise I was in this rabbit hole until relatively recently (it was of course all roses for the first couple of years), and I didn't set boundaries at the start - I ended up accepting behaviours and doing things that I never would have believed I'd do, things that no person with any self respect would do, and I'm sure I've been an enabler and co-dependent and all the things I shouldn't have done.

I could write a novel about all the s**t that has gone down, but I'll try to keep it short(ish) in some key points:

1. She has a drug problem. She hoards drugs of all kinds (painkillers, benzos, sleeping pills, various prescription meds, and just recently, hard drugs.) When I first met her she was completely clean. She started using a drug to help with a personal problem a couple of years ago, and one became two, and more, and low-level use became dangerous binges. She'll stop one and start another one. She knows I hate the drugs and recently after couple of episodes that scared even her, she has been trying to reduce her drug use - and I do believe that she has genuinely been trying and genuinely making progress most days. However every 1-2 weekends she still has a frightening binge.

She has been suicidal and in those moments she's been buying drugs with the intention of committing suicide. That's where the hard drugs have come in.

2. Suicidal: She's been this way on and off for a while, but it seems to be getting worse and closer to the edge now. It was the main reason she started seeing psych professionals, who initially seemed to help. But then she started finding the sessions too emotionally upsetting, too confronting - making her think about topics that she didn't want to think about. I don't know if it is just those sessions that have been setting her off - as things between us have been getting more unstable and as her other personal problems having been worsening, I can see there are probably several influences.

3. Our relationship: It has just been getting worse and worse. Initially we never fought. Now we're lucky to go two days without her getting upset with me over something. Even if I try to absolutely tiptoe on eggshells. And the rages / painting black have been getting worse. About once a week at the moment she'll refuse to see me or speak to me for a couple of days, and will only send angry / accusatory texts. And then when we make up it's usually all my fault and I'm the one doing all the apologising. (Although to be fair, she does sometimes afterwards have a moment of clarity and apologise for her behaviour.)

I have been trying to validate the valid, apologise when it's due but not go grovelling in apology when it's not. But sometimes - especially when I'm afraid that she's going to act on her suicidal ideas - I do go and validate the invalid, apologise when I don't believe I'm in the wrong, to make peace and stop her threatening suicide, or to simply end the battle. I know that's not helpful, but at the same time I'd rather have her alive.

So it sounds awful, why am I still here?

A few reasons... .

It used to be awesome. We never fought. We used to talk about things like getting married and growing old together. Yes, I know that's the honeymoon stage and yes, even then there were red flags that I wilfully ignored. However BPD is a condition and apart from the BPD and the drug use - when she's not having an episode - she really is a great person who I really connect with, who shares many of my interests and who I get along really well with. I've been largely focussing on the negatives in this post. She is not constantly dissociating - there are many times when she becomes what I consider to be "the real her", neither painting black nor white, when she's a genuinely good person to be around. I do love her very much. I do believe that if she got the BPD under control and stopped using drugs, we could have a future together.

She's been through a lot of pain in her life. A lot of things that no child should ever have to go through. There's a reason she's got these problems. Again, I love her and I don't want to abandon her the way pretty much every important person in her life has done.

She has truly been making efforts. She has been seeing psych professionals and trying to get help. I know she rages at them sometimes but she is still going, she is still trying.

She has shown that she is capable of controlling her emotions and stopping herself from having an episode. After a recent horrible fight and after we made up, she made a big effort and managed to go five days without blowing up, including surviving some things that would normally have triggered a rage.

In light of the fact that she's been getting help and trying to get better and has shown that she is capable of making improvements, I've chosen a date on which I will reassess the situation. My thinking has been that if she's made some progress by then and it looks as though there's hope, I'll choose to stay, or at least choose to set another date to assess again.

However the problem is that in between her efforts, her blow ups have been getting worse, and last night she did something that left me feeling as though I may not be able to continue. As though perhaps I need to face reality and accept that the right thing to do is leave now.

-------------------------

It started yesterday when she walked in the door with a bag of drugs. Recently she told me that she'd made a large order of a drug to commit suicide. So when I saw the bag I was alarmed and asked her if that was what it was. She became a bit upset, said that it wasn't that drug, and opened it and waved it in my face to show me that it wasn't. She went to work and I went home to calm down. Her drug use really gets to me at the best of times, and these last couple of weeks it's been compounded by deep fears that she might actually follow through on these suicide plans.

She texted me asking me to tell her "what I was really upset about". Foolishly, I responded honestly that I was upset that she'd ordered drugs to kill herself. Clearly that was the wrong thing to say, although I'm not 100% sure why. Judging by the ensuing hurt and angry messages, either I'm not supposed to be upset about this at all (her efforts to remain positive over the past few days are supposed to have erased my fears) or she believes that I'm actually upset about something else and didn't tell her the truth.

Anyway, she told me she didn't want to see me any more that day, and to stay away (we don't live together). I did so - maybe I shouldn't have, I don't know - I was nearly in tears, didn't want another fight, was trying to respect her request, and am trying to listen to advice I've read here saying that when a pwBPD does the silent treatment thing you should just let them be and let them regulate themselves.

I barely heard anything more from her until about 1am, when she texted saying she wouldn't tell me why, but would I agree to call an ambulance if I didn't hear from her after 15 minutes. I refused to participate in that game, and tried to call her a few times instead - she wouldn't answer but texted saying to calm down. So I tried to get some sleep, and then got another text around 2am - she needed my help, would I just stay awake for 15 minutes while she got ready for bed? She seemed a bit nicer and less angry, so stupidly I agreed and stupidly believed that she just was feeling down and wanted company. 15 minutes pass and she starts saying things like "thank god", and "the danger's passed, go to sleep." I asked her what she'd done and she refused to tell me, but I'd twigged by that stage that she'd taken something. She said "she wasn't going to tell me because I had kept something from her that afternoon". (What the heck? Is this projection, now I'm wondering is there something she kept from me?) Finally she said she'd taken a lot of h***** (which she has never taken before), and wanted me to stay up in case she needed an ambulance.

I was mad. I have never felt so manipulated. I felt like I'd been tricked into a game of Russian Roulette that I didn't know I was even playing. I didn't know that she'd taken it until after the fact. If she had died I would not have known. If she'd stopped responding to texts that wouldn't have been unusual so by the time I got worried enough to go around there or call an ambulance it would have been too late.

I tried to set a boundary, saying I couldn't speak to her any more that night as I was too upset and needed time to calm down. I was genuinely feeling too angry by that stage to be able to interact in any kind of helpful way anyway.

Then I got messages about "what was my problem". I kept responding - despite the boundary attempt - because I was afraid if I didn't, she'd take more h***** and really kill herself this time. Apparently I was the one acting weird tonight, and it was all my fault that she'd taken drugs, but she'd called her housemate to come home, so now I could relax with a clear conscience. Again, What the heck?

-------------------------------------

So now I'm unsure what to do. Taking h***** and manipulating me in that way are things that she has not done before and things that I cannot accept. She's been verbally and emotionally abusive many times, and taken dangerous amounts of prescription-type drugs many times, but this is a whole new level.

It's the following day. I have not attempted to make contact and neither has she (but I can tell she's still alive).

Do I keep trying and hoping? Do I hold on until the "evaluation date" that I set before this happened? Do I tell her clearly that if she ever does that again, our relationship will be over (and yes, if I gave that ultimatum I would stick to it)? Or do I just accept that there is no good ending here, and the sooner I wake up to myself and get on with my life the better? I'm so tired, and so sad, and I really didn't want it to end this way.

[LostRabbit]

I need to vent, and I need someone to tell me that I'm not going insane. And if anyone has any advice, that would be much appreciated too.

This is my first post here. My girlfriend is dBPD. She would be devastated if she knew I was writing what follows, but I'm at breaking point and I figure an anonymous forum is a lesser evil than talking to someone she knows.

Objectively I think I can see what's going on fairly accurately but I struggle to stay strong and to behave the right way when she's in the middle of an episode and I'm being verbally/emotionally attacked and/or she's threatening suicide. I also didn't realise I was in this rabbit hole until relatively recently (it was of course all roses for the first couple of years), and I didn't set boundaries at the start - I ended up accepting behaviours and doing things that I never would have believed I'd do, things that no person with any self respect would do, and I'm sure I've been an enabler and co-dependent and all the things I shouldn't have done.

I could write a novel about all the s**t that has gone down, but I'll try to keep it short(ish) in some key points:

1. She has a drug problem. She hoards drugs of all kinds (painkillers, benzos, sleeping pills, various prescription meds, and just recently, hard drugs.) When I first met her she was completely clean. She started using a drug to help with a personal problem a couple of years ago, and one became two, and more, and low-level use became dangerous binges. She'll stop one and start another one. She knows I hate the drugs and recently after couple of episodes that scared even her, she has been trying to reduce her drug use - and I do believe that she has genuinely been trying and genuinely making progress most days. However every 1-2 weekends she still has a frightening binge.

She has been suicidal and in those moments she's been buying drugs with the intention of committing suicide. That's where the hard drugs have come in.

2. Suicidal: She's been this way on and off for a while, but it seems to be getting worse and closer to the edge now. It was the main reason she started seeing psych professionals, who initially seemed to help. But then she started finding the sessions too emotionally upsetting, too confronting - making her think about topics that she didn't want to think about. I don't know if it is just those sessions that have been setting her off - as things between us have been getting more unstable and as her other personal problems having been worsening, I can see there are probably several influences.

3. Our relationship: It has just been getting worse and worse. Initially we never fought. Now we're lucky to go two days without her getting upset with me over something. Even if I try to absolutely tiptoe on eggshells. And the rages / painting black have been getting worse. About once a week at the moment she'll refuse to see me or speak to me for a couple of days, and will only send angry / accusatory texts. And then when we make up it's usually all my fault and I'm the one doing all the apologising. (Although to be fair, she does sometimes afterwards have a moment of clarity and apologise for her behaviour.)

I have been trying to validate the valid, apologise when it's due but not go grovelling in apology when it's not. But sometimes - especially when I'm afraid that she's going to act on her suicidal ideas - I do go and validate the invalid, apologise when I don't believe I'm in the wrong, to make peace and stop her threatening suicide, or to simply end the battle. I know that's not helpful, but at the same time I'd rather have her alive.

So it sounds awful, why am I still here?

A few reasons... .

It used to be awesome. We never fought. We used to talk about things like getting married and growing old together. Yes, I know that's the honeymoon stage and yes, even then there were red flags that I wilfully ignored. However BPD is a condition and apart from the BPD and the drug use - when she's not having an episode - she really is a great person who I really connect with, who shares many of my interests and who I get along really well with. I've been largely focussing on the negatives in this post. She is not constantly dissociating - there are many times when she becomes what I consider to be "the real her", neither painting black nor white, when she's a genuinely good person to be around. I do love her very much. I do believe that if she got the BPD under control and stopped using drugs, we could have a future together.

She's been through a lot of pain in her life. A lot of things that no child should ever have to go through. There's a reason she's got these problems. Again, I love her and I don't want to abandon her the way pretty much every important person in her life has done.

She has truly been making efforts. She has been seeing psych professionals and trying to get help. I know she rages at them sometimes but she is still going, she is still trying.

She has shown that she is capable of controlling her emotions and stopping herself from having an episode. After a recent horrible fight and after we made up, she made a big effort and managed to go five days without blowing up, including surviving some things that would normally have triggered a rage.

In light of the fact that she's been getting help and trying to get better and has shown that she is capable of making improvements, I've chosen a date on which I will reassess the situation. My thinking has been that if she's made some progress by then and it looks as though there's hope, I'll choose to stay, or at least choose to set another date to assess again.

However the problem is that in between her efforts, her blow ups have been getting worse, and last night she did something that left me feeling as though I may not be able to continue. As though perhaps I need to face reality and accept that the right thing to do is leave now.

-------------------------

It started yesterday when she walked in the door with a bag of drugs. Recently she told me that she'd made a large order of a drug to commit suicide. So when I saw the bag I was alarmed and asked her if that was what it was. She became a bit upset, said that it wasn't that drug, and opened it and waved it in my face to show me that it wasn't. She went to work and I went home to calm down. Her drug use really gets to me at the best of times, and these last couple of weeks it's been compounded by deep fears that she might actually follow through on these suicide plans.

She texted me asking me to tell her "what I was really upset about". Foolishly, I responded honestly that I was upset that she'd ordered drugs to kill herself. Clearly that was the wrong thing to say, although I'm not 100% sure why. Judging by the ensuing hurt and angry messages, either I'm not supposed to be upset about this at all (her efforts to remain positive over the past few days are supposed to have erased my fears) or she believes that I'm actually upset about something else and didn't tell her the truth.

Anyway, she told me she didn't want to see me any more that day, and to stay away (we don't live together). I did so - maybe I shouldn't have, I don't know - I was nearly in tears, didn't want another fight, was trying to respect her request, and am trying to listen to advice I've read here saying that when a pwBPD does the silent treatment thing you should just let them be and let them regulate themselves.

I barely heard anything more from her until about 1am, when she texted saying she wouldn't tell me why, but would I agree to call an ambulance if I didn't hear from her after 15 minutes. I refused to participate in that game, and tried to call her a few times instead - she wouldn't answer but texted saying to calm down. So I tried to get some sleep, and then got another text around 2am - she needed my help, would I just stay awake for 15 minutes while she got ready for bed? She seemed a bit nicer and less angry, so stupidly I agreed and stupidly believed that she just was feeling down and wanted company. 15 minutes pass and she starts saying things like "thank god", and "the danger's passed, go to sleep." I asked her what she'd done and she refused to tell me, but I'd twigged by that stage that she'd taken something. She said "she wasn't going to tell me because I had kept something from her that afternoon". (What the heck? Is this projection, now I'm wondering is there something she kept from me?) Finally she said she'd taken a lot of h***** (which she has never taken before), and wanted me to stay up in case she needed an ambulance.

I was mad. I have never felt so manipulated. I felt like I'd been tricked into a game of Russian Roulette that I didn't know I was even playing. I didn't know that she'd taken it until after the fact. If she had died I would not have known. If she'd stopped responding to texts that wouldn't have been unusual so by the time I got worried enough to go around there or call an ambulance it would have been too late.

I tried to set a boundary, saying I couldn't speak to her any more that night as I was too upset and needed time to calm down. I was genuinely feeling too angry by that stage to be able to interact in any kind of helpful way anyway.

Then I got messages about "what was my problem". I kept responding - despite the boundary attempt - because I was afraid if I didn't, she'd take more h***** and really kill herself this time. Apparently I was the one acting weird tonight, and it was all my fault that she'd taken drugs, but she'd called her housemate to come home, so now I could relax with a clear conscience. Again, What the heck?

-------------------------------------

So now I'm unsure what to do. Taking h***** and manipulating me in that way are things that she has not done before and things that I cannot accept. She's been verbally and emotionally abusive many times, and taken dangerous amounts of prescription-type drugs many times, but this is a whole new level.

It's the following day. I have not attempted to make contact and neither has she (but I can tell she's still alive).

Do I keep trying and hoping? Do I hold on until the "evaluation date" that I set before this happened? Do I tell her clearly that if she ever does that again, our relationship will be over (and yes, if I gave that ultimatum I would stick to it)? Or do I just accept that there is no good ending here, and the sooner I wake up to myself and get on with my life the better? I'm so tired, and so sad, and I really didn't want it to end this way.

[Mutt]

 

Even if I try to absolutely tiptoe on eggshells.

I'm happy to hear that you made the wise choice with reaching out. Her drug use had escalated. She's dialed it down a bit with binging every couple of weekends and she bought enough to kill herself. If she's probed with questions in P sessions she says "it's too emotionally upsetting". That telegraphs that she's having difficulties coping.

She has truly been making efforts. She has been seeing psych professionals and trying to get help. I know she rages at them sometimes but she is still going, she is still trying.

She's struggling, drug use, severe disorder, childhood issues, SI can be interpreted as a call for help.

I barely heard anything more from her until about 1am, when she texted saying she wouldn't tell me why, but would I agree to call an ambulance if I didn't hear from her after 15 minutes. I refused to participate in that game, and tried to call her a few times instead - she wouldn't answer but texted saying to calm down. So I tried to get some sleep, and then got another text around 2am - she needed my help, would I just stay awake for 15 minutes while she got ready for bed? She seemed a bit nicer and less angry, so stupidly I agreed and stupidly believed that she just was feeling down and wanted company. 15 minutes pass and she starts saying things like "thank god", and "the danger's passed, go to sleep." I asked her what she'd done and she refused to tell me, but I'd twigged by that stage that she'd taken something. She said "she wasn't going to tell me because I had kept something from her that afternoon". (What the heck? Is this projection, now I'm wondering is there something she kept from me?) Finally she said she'd taken a lot of h***** (which she has never taken before), and wanted me to stay up in case she needed an ambulance.

She's bordeline waif and wants rescue.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Waif, Hermit, Queen, and Witch

The Queen is controlling, the Witch is sadistic, the Hermit is fearful, and the Waif is helpless.

It's frustrating, confusing and painful with the push / pull behavior.

Safety first. Please let professionally trained personel deal with her SI. If she's in potential danger or calls and says if you don't hear from her in 15. Call the emergency services immediately.

TOOLS: Dealing with threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts

I'm sorry for what you are going through. This is tough.

You talked about her. My question.

How do you feel?

Welcome to the family. There is hope. I'm glad that you have found us  

[Kabooma]

I tell everyone who isn't shackled by a child to RUN don't walk anymore.  It's just not worth the emotional, financial, and friend/family-count toll that BPD'ers take on your life.  Her world of problems is hers, not yours, so stop owning it.

Just my opinion of course, and I'm in a dark place right now because I'm trapped with a BPD and there's no easy way out.