Looking at my options to leave my BPDw

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My BPDw goes in waves of verbal and emotional abuse due to her own horrible past. Then, she kisses and hugs me and moves on, only to continue doing it again and again. I have never abused in any way, although I am human by making mistakes. Nevertheless, the mistakes are minor. I have tried to do everything correctly for her, and she appreciates that. I have given her love, support, validation, money, everything. She has been studying for a new profession and loves it; yet, she complains about the very well paying job that she has. With me being a retired teacher along with now teaching and tutoring part-time along with writing books, she just continues being verbally and emotionally abusive. I even have countered with how this hurts me. I have mentioned we should go into couple therapy, but she says she is now too busy and has enough problems of her own. She is getting help from a medium-counselor, but that particular person has a background very similar to my BPDw. I truly do believe both of them hate themselves and hate men. So, bottom line, my BPDw has denied this request. We talk to each other each day, but rarely do things together. The only way she expresses "love" is by preparing meals which she has freely admitted to me.

So, after all is said and done, I have had enough of being hurt, frustrated, and angry. I am looking into my financial status, seeing that I do not have enough money on my own - at least, not yet. If I were to leave right now at this moment, I would be poor.

[Samuel S.]

My BPDw goes in waves of verbal and emotional abuse due to her own horrible past. Then, she kisses and hugs me and moves on, only to continue doing it again and again. I have never abused in any way, although I am human by making mistakes. Nevertheless, the mistakes are minor. I have tried to do everything correctly for her, and she appreciates that. I have given her love, support, validation, money, everything. She has been studying for a new profession and loves it; yet, she complains about the very well paying job that she has. With me being a retired teacher along with now teaching and tutoring part-time along with writing books, she just continues being verbally and emotionally abusive. I even have countered with how this hurts me. I have mentioned we should go into couple therapy, but she says she is now too busy and has enough problems of her own. She is getting help from a medium-counselor, but that particular person has a background very similar to my BPDw. I truly do believe both of them hate themselves and hate men. So, bottom line, my BPDw has denied this request. We talk to each other each day, but rarely do things together. The only way she expresses "love" is by preparing meals which she has freely admitted to me.

So, after all is said and done, I have had enough of being hurt, frustrated, and angry. I am looking into my financial status, seeing that I do not have enough money on my own - at least, not yet. If I were to leave right now at this moment, I would be poor.

[Perdita]

I have mentioned we should go into couple therapy, but she says she is now too busy and has enough problems of her own.

This is harsh.  Problems of her own?  Issues threatening her marriage aren't part of her problems she should be working on?  It's a revealing statement, Samuel.

She is getting help from a medium-counselor, but that particular person has a background very similar to my BPDw. I truly do believe both of them hate themselves and hate men.

I know the type you are talking about and if this is who she is turning to for help then I doubt you will see an improvement.

So, after all is said and done, I have had enough of being hurt, frustrated, and angry.

Samuel 

I am looking into my financial status, seeing that I do not have enough money on my own - at least, not yet. If I were to leave right now at this moment, I would be poor.

How do you see your life without her?  How would your living conditions change?  Would you be willing to get a housemate/s to help cover costs if you decide to leave?

[vortex of confusion]

So, after all is said and done, I have had enough of being hurt, frustrated, and angry. I am looking into my financial status, seeing that I do not have enough money on my own - at least, not yet. If I were to leave right now at this moment, I would be poor.

I had hoped to figure out a way to leave but I cannot do it from a financial standpoint since I have 4 kids to add into the mix. I have gotten a second part time job and have opened my own bank account.

Is there any way you can come out of retirement or take on more work so that you could afford a small place on your own? I have been writing down all of the financial stuff that I would need to take into consideration so that I can have a more accurate accounting of how much money I would need to survive on my own. As a result of looking at everything from a purely practical standpoint, I can't leave yet. But, I do have a 5 year plan that will put me one step closer to being able to leave. In the mean time, I have been trying to emotionally detach and deal with how enmeshed my husband and I had become over the years. Even if I can't leave right now, I can work to establish my own identity and my own life that is separate from his.

And, I try to implement some of the stuff that is in the lessons on the side. Some days are better than others.

[Samuel S.]

Thank you for your responses! I truly do appreciate you and your responses a lot! I just have to look at the options.

What makes it really tugging for me is what has been happening lately. I have 2 daughters from my 1st marriage. They live on opposite sides of the world with 1 in Australia and 1 in the states. I live in the states, too, but it is still far for all 3 of us to see each other. My daughters haven't seen each other for 11 years. The 1 in the states, I saw 2 years ago. The 1 in Australia, I saw 8 years ago.

Now, my daughter from Australia and her family will be arriving here in the states about 2 hours away from me. So, needless to say, I am beyond excited to see all of them. My BPDw caused a major rift between that daughter and me, but thank goodness, everything is better!

My BPDw knows about them coming and how excited I am to see them. My BPDw has been rather nice and now verbally and/or emotionally abusive lately. So, knowing how she has been in the past and how she is now, I tend to be a skeptic about how authentic she is being. She tends to be devious in her ways.

No matter what, I am visiting with my daughter and her family this weekend without my BPDw who has already said she is going to be working and studying. So, she won't have time to see them. Frankly, I don't see her asking to want to go with me, and, frankly, I hope she doesn't ask, because my daughter is mine, and my BPDw would be an unnecessary distraction and hindrance.

My other daughter is tentatively coming to see her sister, and I am sensitive to the fact that the 2 of them need their time together, because it is going to be a very short visit for the 2 of them, just a weekend. I mentioned that I would like to see the 2 of them together; however, they need their time together.

[Perdita]

Samuel, I wish you the best.  2 and 8 years is a long time to go without seeing your daughters.  I hope the weekend will be all that you hope it will be and that your wife won't ruin it.   

[Samuel S.]

Perdita, your point is well taken! My BPDw is not going to ruin my time with my 2 daughters. First, she is working during the day. Secondly, when I do get back, I am just going to say that everything went very well. Beforehand, I would share the good and the not-so-good. Then, she would accentuate the not-so-good, thus making my daughters look really bad.

Also, today, it was really strange. She would have gotten normally stuck in a lot of traffic. I heard on the radio that all lanes of a freeway nearby here were closed due to a major accident with a fatality. I called her to let her know about this, because she does not listen to the news. I suggested that she wait an hour or 2. It turns out that she came back early.

When I got back, she told me that I shouldn't get uptight and nervous about it. I said that I was just sharing what had happened and that I was concerned that she wouldn't be stuck in traffic. She said okay, but not even a thank you. She didn't even ask me about my day.

When finals are over next week, I really am going to ponder how to leave here. She is so involved with herself. It's like my only purpose of being here is for her to blurt out what she wants to report.

BTW, I have a health concern for which I am going to my dentist about. You see, the dental hygenist about 15 years ago found a growth which turned out to be a benign tumor. Well, it has been hurting quite a bit lately. I don't even want to share this with her, because she rationalizes everything and is so involved in herself. Bottom line, she cares very little, sad to say.

[Samuel S.]

In terms of the pain in my neck where I had a surgery some 15 years ago, my dentist confirmed that there is a lymph node issue there today. The fact that it hurts, thus, she referred me to my doctor for subsequent tests. I checked www.webmd.com which states that lymph nodes that hurt are cancer. So, naturally, I am very concerned and will see my doctor. UGH!

I debated back and forth, if I were going to tell my BPDw. I finally decided to tell her this evening, hoping that there would be some sort of compassion instead of her holier than thou, sterile attitude. Nevertheless, she seemed to care less. UGH! Well, I guess I should not expect any more than her BPD behavior, seeing that the world is supposed to revolve around her.

So, I just told her that I am seeing my doctor, and that's it! My health matters to me, although I always am compassionate, loving, validating, and sincere with her. Like all of us nonBPDs, I just wish mine would feel the same way. Yet, they don't know how to do that, even though they want it from us!

[Perdita]

In terms of the pain in my neck where I had a surgery some 15 years ago, my dentist confirmed that there is a lymph node issue there today. The fact that it hurts, thus, she referred me to my doctor for subsequent tests. I checked www.webmd.com which states that lymph nodes that hurt are cancer. So, naturally, I am very concerned and will see my doctor. UGH!

There can be a number of other less serious causes too.  Did you have a tooth ache when you saw the dentist? This can also cause lymph nodes in the area to swell and it can be painful. Maybe there is some other infection near that node.  Best to see the doctor and have it checked out.

I debated back and forth, if I were going to tell my BPDw. I finally decided to tell her this evening, hoping that there would be some sort of compassion instead of her holier than thou, sterile attitude. Nevertheless, she seemed to care less. UGH! Well, I guess I should not expect any more than her BPD behavior, seeing that the world is supposed to revolve around her.

Well, never mind her.  You just get that checked out and keep us posted.  I know the big C is the thing we all fear, but try not to expect the very worst.  Your doctor will probably do a fine-needle aspiration and once those results are in he will decide whether or not to do a tissue biopsy. Know this procedure from experience.  Both are out-patient. The aspiration results shouldn't take long.

[Samuel S.]

The doctor confirmed that my lymph nodes are swollen and has now referred to get a CT scan and x-ray and also to see an ears, nose, and throat doctor all next week. He is concerned about the pain associated with the swelling. So, we shall see what happens.

As for my BPDw, I did tell her about all this. While she did ask if it hurts, she promptly went into her thing, how my body was strange, that I have been lucky not to have been in the hospital in recent memories, etc. While all of the above is true, I guess she can't show any empathy like I always give her. She is almost like the doctor in that regard.

No matter what, I am going to make my appointments, no matter how much labelling my BPDw wants to do. Yet, if she doesn't eat well or if her body aches, she wants me to validate. Yet, it's next to none and oftentimes none of the same is returned to me. Well, all of us nonBPDs can attest to how selfish they really are while we are to be the selfless ones. UGH!

[Samuel S.]

My visit with my D47, her H, and their 2 son was amazing! This was after 8 long years! There was a lot of bonding, loving, anything that was great was there! I mention this, because it was such a wonderful visit, but also it is so much more than I have had with my BPDw over the last 6+ years. She was working. So, I was able to focus on them for the whole time.

After also meeting some friends of mine for dinner, I returned to find my BPDw studying away for her finals. I asked her, if I could share a couple of photos and share just a couple of other things which wouldn't take any more than a couple of minutes. She said no. Mind you, she had been study some 5 hours by herself, and I was thinking about her, too. That it would be just a small break. So, I just said okay, but as I was going to say good night about an hour later, she said she wanted to see and hear what I wanted to share.

While she was glad to see and hear what I shared, she of course always likes to try to put a damper on it. She said that I should remember that her medium-counselor said that my younger grandson is a rendition of my previous wife who was rather selfish, but definitely not as selfish as my now BPDw. I just heard what she said. I said good night and went to bed, knowing that I had a great time, the best time I have had in a long, long time!

[Samuel S.]

More of the same roller coaster ride, and I will be so glad to see what I can do about leaving here very soon! I shared more with my BPDw about my awesome visit with my D47 and her family. Of course, my BPDw decided to try to tear down any sense of happiness of my visit. She told me like if she were the voice of doom, that my D47 and her H should appreciate their kids, that she has lost 1 of her own, etc., etc. I understand how she has been hurt so badly; yet, she imposes her voice of doom, her bah, humbug attitude to everything that represents joy for someone else. It is like she has experienced a horrible death which she has, but will not allow anyone else the opportunity to feel their joy.

I also have come to the conclusion as a result that she is jealous or envious of me for having 2 Ds who are grown up, married, and have their own kids while she was 1 D18. In fact, my BPDw has said in the past that she has been jealous of my other D40, because I have been close to her.

Now, my BPDw is immersed in her studies due to her finals which is understandable, but she intends to do the same during the Winter break and also to work. So, closeness is not an option she wants unfortunately.

Again, looking for options to leave my BPDw is looking better and better! I just wish it didn't have to resort to this, but she refuses to do couple counseling. UGH!