exBPD dumping my belongings unannounced

[oortcloud]

Me and my exBPD used to live together. I was discarded 5 months ago. Since then, she has on two occasions randomly appeared at my house when I'm not at home (I assume she stalks me on social media to find out when I'm out of town), dumping my belongings at the front door. At no time has she ever contact me beforehand to ask if this is ok, or to arrange a time to do this.

She left a note last time saying that "this is the last of your things", but I know for a fact that she still has some items of mine. I'm concerned she's going to use these items as a reason to randomly show up unannounced again, even though I told her previously I didn't want them back.

I know she's not breaking any laws here, but is there anything I can do about this? I feel really uncomfortable at the thought of 2+ people (my exBPD doesn't drive, so someone must be driving her) coming over to my property when I'm not in, and dumping my things out in the open so they can be damaged or even stolen. I'm also upset that after dating for 3 years, she doesn't even respect me enough to contact me beforehand.

[BorisAcusio]

I must say that you're somewhat lucky she haven't kept your belongings. Forget respect when you deal with a PD. That is a concept they just can't comprehend.

[oortcloud]

I must say that you're somewhat lucky she haven't kept your belongings. Forget respect when you deal with a PD. That is a concept they just can't comprehend.

Yeah I think you're right, BorisAcusio. I'll just try and ignore it. I don't want to break NC in order to contact her about this. It isn't worth my time after all the things I've already had to put up with.

[downwhim]

Since you told her you did not want any of the items back they are of little value to you anyway. This is a way for her to reconnect and also show some control over you. In my experience too respect is not what you can ever receive.

[Splitblack4good]

I'd say she is trying to get a reaction from you she is hoping you will call her or text her to ask why she is bringing your things back and hence why she has still got some of it . They Arnt stupid when it comes to playing games like this .

when I broke up with my exbodgf she told me I could get my stuff in 2 weeks time ? I said no I want it asap ! So she agreed but could tell she wasn't happy about it . So I took everything that was mine and I mean everything ! A week after the split she rang me to say it's over do not contact me again ! Please note tho that I was the one that broke up with her and told her not to contact me and she agreed .During this call she stated that I took all my stuff and didn't have a reason to contact her or see her again . Also bear in mind she got with my replacement 12 hours after we split . She almost sounded gutted about the fact I had taken everything and I think she was hoping I would leave something behind so she could make contact further down the line the fact she rang me to tell me what I already knew was a dead giveaway !

She has text me since and unblocked from her phone (she blocked me although she was the one communicating ) asking about stupid things like the TVs not working or sorry I bumped into you today ! They tend to find something to always get in contact.

[Pingo]

I never got my stuff back.  Had hoped he'd drop it at my door but nope, had to go out and replace the stuff myself.  It's all about control!

[Mutt]

I know she's not breaking any laws here, but is there anything I can do about this?

Is it feasible to call the police, advise them of the situation.  and have them escort you to her place to remove your belongings to end this game? Perhaps she's not breaking laws, they may be sympathetic.

She's holding your things, dropping them off when she feels (control) and showing up unnannounced (control) She may also get the message that you don't want her around. I called the cops on my ex when it got to a point of harassment. She stopped harassing me and she understood that I will call the cops if she gets out of hand (boundary).

[billypilgrim]

I seem to have had the opposite problem.  She left a bunch of her stuff at my house, including a stuff that she told me via e-mail that she was going to be taking.  She left clothing, art/decorations, some electronics, some books, and some personal stuff of hers (letters, family heirlooms, notes, cards, etc.).  Very strange, every time I find something new and throw it out, I seem to discover another bag or box of her crap.  She hasn't asked for any of this back, nor will I be reaching out.  It's all just very strange, it was as if she couldn't get out of the house fast enough.  I'm really struggling to not take it as some sort of personal rejection. 

As for your situation - have you thought about moving?  I'm planning on selling.  I don't like the idea of her and her family knowing where I live.  I don't like the idea of her dropping by in a few months when she realizes that this "new direction" she's going in doesn't work out.

[Mutt]

I seem to have had the opposite problem.  She left a bunch of her stuff at my house, including a stuff that she told me via e-mail that she was going to be taking.  She left clothing, art/decorations, some electronics, some books, and some personal stuff of hers (letters, family heirlooms, notes, cards, etc.).  Very strange, every time I find something new and throw it out, I seem to discover another bag or box of her crap.  She hasn't asked for any of this back, nor will I be reaching out.  It's all just very strange, it was as if she couldn't get out of the house fast enough.

It means she'll likely be back. Leaving her stuff behind gives her the opportunity to re-engage. A choice is to pack everything up and have it shipped to her, have a friend escort you and drop her things off. It removes the opportunity for her to re-engage.

[Pingo]

I seem to have had the opposite problem.  She left a bunch of her stuff at my house, including a stuff that she told me via e-mail that she was going to be taking.  She left clothing, art/decorations, some electronics, some books, and some personal stuff of hers (letters, family heirlooms, notes, cards, etc.).  Very strange, every time I find something new and throw it out, I seem to discover another bag or box of her crap.  She hasn't asked for any of this back, nor will I be reaching out.  It's all just very strange, it was as if she couldn't get out of the house fast enough.

It means she'll likely be back. Leaving her stuff behind gives her the opportunity to re-engage. A choice is to pack everything up and have it shipped to her, have a friend escort you and drop her things off. It removes the opportunity for her to re-engage.

Yes come to think of it mine had left some stuff and was stalling coming and getting it so I put it outside my front door and told him if you want it come and get it!  He was mad, told me I was very rude for doing this but I didn't want it hanging around.  He took what he wanted and left the rest strewn all over my entry way like a child.  Later I found a box of photos and mementos of his and I tried to get him to exchange my stuff for his but he ignored me so I eventually just mailed them to his brother, didn't want to deal with him again. 

[Rise]

I seem to have had the opposite problem.  She left a bunch of her stuff at my house, including a stuff that she told me via e-mail that she was going to be taking.  She left clothing, art/decorations, some electronics, some books, and some personal stuff of hers (letters, family heirlooms, notes, cards, etc.).  Very strange, every time I find something new and throw it out, I seem to discover another bag or box of her crap.  She hasn't asked for any of this back, nor will I be reaching out.  It's all just very strange, it was as if she couldn't get out of the house fast enough.

It means she'll likely be back. Leaving her stuff behind gives her the opportunity to re-engage. A choice is to pack everything up and have it shipped to her, have a friend escort you and drop her things off. It removes the opportunity for her to re-engage.

Alternatively the things she left behind just don't matter to her enough to make her face you down (and with you her own shame and negative feelings). My ex did that a few times. Although I agree with Mutt, it's best to get her stuff out of your place, as it's not doing anyone any good there, and it's better to be safe than sorry.

[Mutt]

Mine called me a few times. She left some of the things for the kids behind. She took almost everything and was calling Her house all set up ( comfortable ) and mine well it's starting over.

I can't reason with her. It's her way or the highway (Queen) and things she thinks she's entitled to are points of contention. It perpetuates conflict. Not worth the drama. I gave what little things she still wanted and replaced the kids things. Money well spent to save myself from the grief.

[peiper]

These individuals act instantly on emotion. I personally think that down the road they feel regret over the relationship ending. So this is a way for her to try to get you to contact her while saving face.

[oortcloud]

I'm slightly annoyed at myself for even getting riled up over this, since it's probably what she wants (control). It's just amazing how, if I was doing this to her, she would rage at me. Meanwhile I'm choosing to keep silent about it. But I think this is best, in order to keep NC.

After the latest "dropping off" incident she did equally as confusing things, like sending me a passive aggressive email (which I stupidly replied to in a moment of weakness), and started blocking/unblocking me on social media. I have no idea if these are also attempts at control, to get me to reply, or if it's a sign she's struggling with her decision to  dump and discard me.

The whole thing has become tiring to understand, so I'll hope that ignoring this will make it go away!

[billypilgrim]

I seem to have had the opposite problem.  She left a bunch of her stuff at my house, including a stuff that she told me via e-mail that she was going to be taking.  She left clothing, art/decorations, some electronics, some books, and some personal stuff of hers (letters, family heirlooms, notes, cards, etc.).  Very strange, every time I find something new and throw it out, I seem to discover another bag or box of her crap.  She hasn't asked for any of this back, nor will I be reaching out.  It's all just very strange, it was as if she couldn't get out of the house fast enough.

It means she'll likely be back. Leaving her stuff behind gives her the opportunity to re-engage. A choice is to pack everything up and have it shipped to her, have a friend escort you and drop her things off. It removes the opportunity for her to re-engage.

Alternatively the things she left behind just don't matter to her enough to make her face you down (and with you her own shame and negative feelings). My ex did that a few times. Although I agree with Mutt, it's best to get her stuff out of your place, as it's not doing anyone any good there, and it's better to be safe than sorry.

This is what I'm leaning towards.  Sure she left some clothes, her camera (a very nice one), family things (stuff passed down to her), decorations/art, and some other memorabilia (pictures, letters, and oddly enough some stuff that previous SOs had given her, holding on just in case?  ). 

I kept asking her if this is something she had planned - she said no, not at all.  She said she wouldn't have been with me if she didn't/hadn't wanted to be.  I couldn't figure out how or why she would literally just wake up one morning and say yeah, "thanks but no thanks BillyPilgrim."  But it makes much more sense through the lens of BPD.  This is just one more in a long line of impulsive, short sighted decisions made solely in response to a gut feeling (she said she had a "pit in her stomach" on the day she left).  Leaving behind a bunch of crap that doesn't help her right at this moment isn't worth the hassle of having to interact with or deal with me. 

And who knows, maybe she'll wake up one day and think, I really want my Grandmother's tea set or my camera or my other crap and reach out/come back.  And maybe that's what you meant Mutt - that when she does come around and the dust settles and she realizes she left a bunch of her things, that she may reach out.  But I don't think this was any sort of conscious decision that she made to leave all of things.  They just didn't fit on the truck or she didn't want to take the time to pack anything else.  These aren't breadcrumbs intentionally left to help her find her way back.  These are just dead weight items that didn't immediately help her get out of dodge.  I even packed up 3-4 boxes of her stuff before she came to get everything (helping her to the bitter end, ).  I wonder how much she would have left if I hadn't of done that.

[downwhim]

I wonder how many of us would take our ex borderlines back if they said, "I am sorry, I made a mistake, I love you and I want to make things work,?" Painful isn't it? The chances of that happening are slim to none. The mess we would continue would stunt our growth... .again.

I think their "stuff" so represents a piece of them. A glimmer of hope. I chance to maybe see them again. When I looked at his stuff I felt him. So, I gathered it up and got it out of my house. Although he pressed the repeat button on his computer 11 times saying to return his stuff, it was not that important to him because he did not pick it up after 2 months. It has been thrown out. Not that important to him compared to the embarrassment of seeing some of my office associates who know him and congratulated him on our engagement.