Struggling

[Glutton4punishment]

Hello. I am having a very difficult time putting my life back together after being married for less than a year to a woman I thought I knew and loved. We separated in July and went through a couple months of on-again off-again emotional misery. Ours is a very long and complicated story that I couldn't begin to summarize in less than 15 or 20 pages. The bottom line is she pushed me out the door, shut it, and blamed the whole thing on me publicly and privately. I have gotten no validation or closure. After three months of obsessive ruminating on my part and zero improvement towards reestablishing my own independence and happiness I decided to see a therapist. He suggested I Google "borderline personality disorder" and after reading just a few Internet articles I realized that he was exactly right. At first this came as a relief to know that others have been through a similar hell. But it's been about a month that I've been researching BPD and trying to move on with this information, and I'm quite frustrated to admit that emotionally, I have made very little progress. I still love her very much and can't stop thinking about her. Even though I know in my head that this is ridiculous and masochistic, I seem to be stuck. It doesn't seem like there's anything that anyone can do or say that really helps me. I have found many sites on the web about BPD but the article on this site about the 10 myths I found particularly relevant. I have been falling for just about all of them. They say that awareness is the first step toward solving a problem, and I pray to God this is true, because I'm absolutely sick and tired of feeling the way I have been for the last four months. Any help and feedback is appreciated. Thank you.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Glutton-

Welcome to bpdfamily; you will find many people here who know exactly how you feel, and will read many stories that you could have written.

I have made very little progress.

You did make progress by finding this site, signing up, and posting.  Good for you.  The best thing you can do is read all of the articles here and as many posts as you can, contribute, open up, and realize that the only people who really understand are the ones who have been there, and this site is full of them.  And it will get better, promise.

[Spartacus]

Dear Glutton,

I am sorry you are going through such a painful time. It will pass. Just being on this site and opening up to people who understand is healing and reaffirming. You have emerged from chaos and you are a survivor. It is such a whirlwind of vicious lows and addictive highs that it is difficult to trust your instincts and realize what is happening when in the relationship. The hooks of idealization are deep and it is like a drug with all the pain of withdrawal when it is taken away. It takes strength and courage to stop the recycling and to recognize that it is no way to live. One life and you deserve to be happy. Trust me, you are better out of this however painful it feels now.

The biggest step for me was having the space to reflect on my relationship away from the recycling and constant chaos. Only then could I see how emotionally abusive it had become and be able to acknowledge my codependency. My story is slightly different to yours in that I chose to leave after a major gas lighting event. But the wrench of taking myself out of that situation was traumatic and went against everything I felt was right and the vows I had taken only 4 weeks earlier. What really helped was talking to a close friend, talking to my family, reading and posting articles here and keeping busy doing things like reconnecting with friends and getting out of the house. I wrote down a log of all the dysregulating behavior I could remember. At the time I blamed myself for triggering her and she was quick to do the same. I also wrote down all the things she had taken fault with me. That was helpful to see when confronted by the love bombing and recycling attempts. It has been a surreal experience. I have never been into psychology, mind games or analysis but over the last three years I have been dragged through a crash course. My greatest comfort to help me detach from the woman I was going to spend the rest of my life with has been the understanding that the love was real but it was toxic and unhealthy, that I could not help her or fix her disordered mind, that it was not a normal relationship and that I needed to be away from the control and manipulation if I was to stand a chance of dealing with my codependent streak.

A line that has been useful from this site has been that my uBPDw was who she was at the end of the relationship and not who she was at the beginning.

Best wishes to you and stay strong.