BPD or BPD traits

[SlyQQ]

Wanted to poll who thinks there is a big difference between A having BPD traits B having BPD

my vote is yes tthere is a huge difference

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[ReluctantSurvivor]

I would agree there is a major difference.  My ex was diagnosed with "borderline personality traits."  At worst she is a quiet borderline.  She definitely has major problems but she just doesn't compare to some of the horror stories I see here.  The one thing I have observed about my ex as far as splitting is that even people she hates (painted black) she still has some level of compassion for.  She is not malicious in any manner.  Weirdest thing.  I think of her as a very kind person who has some major issues that lead to her doing crazy ___ every so often.

[MissyM]

Just like anything else, it depends.  My husband has both borderline and narcissistic traits (more borderline than narcissism), the combination is really hard.  He had severe childhood trauma and abuse, which counts for most of these problems.  When he isn't on medication, he is nonfunctional.  However, the narcissism makes him better at pretending around other people and still being selfish and dramatic at home.  Not sure that is better than full blown BPD, it is just a different.

[formflier]

 

I'm going to vote no... .it makes no difference.

A diagnosis is a medical, insurance and treatment issue.

On this forum we are not learning how to treat our SOs... .we are learning how to have a successful r/s with them.

The diagnosis has no effect on the r/s... .it is how the person "acts" or their "behavior" which is what we deal with on a day to day basis.

The reasons for that behavior are often complex... and may or may not be "diagnosable" as anything.

For instance... .my wife is more along the PPD spectrum... .than BPD... .  paranoia seems to be a core issue... .and possibly THE core issue.  I don't fixate on that too much... .especially compared to the time I spend figuring out if my boundaries are appropriate... or if I am validating properly... .etc etc.

Again... I'm not her therapist... .I am her husband. 

SlyQQ,

I appreciate you bringing up this topic.  What has got you thinking about this?  How do you think these answers will apply in your life?

[SlyQQ]

I care for two SD they both have just about all the BPD "traits" are very close in age though one id BPD snd an one is not an though very similar in upbringing behaviour etc I find i have to treat the one with BPD completely differently

[SlyQQ]

There mother is also BPD the reason for so many traits common to both learned behaviour I am curious if its just me or do people think they should be treated "differently "

[formflier]

I find i have to treat the one with BPD completely differently

Interesting... .can you describe how you treat the one with BPD differently.

What does that look like?

[Mutt]

Everyone's different with different attributes. BPD is a spectrum disorder. The disorder does not quantify the person.

I think your saying what is the difference between diagnosed and not diagnosed? I'm not following when you say treating people differently. Can you expand on this?

[SlyQQ]

 I was hoping for some other peoples insights on how to handle the two types an what works with one an maybe not the other the main difference I find that when there is a disagreement I can argue/reason with one while with BPD there is no head on approach that generally works

[Turkish]

My mom was given a back-handed dX of BPD 20 years ago, which she only recently shared with me. She accepts that she is BPD. i think her T was being gentle. She was in her early 50's. I dont think a dX would have helped.

My Ex self diagnosed as having an unspecifiec attachment disorder. My mom doesn't exhibit the love and sex addiction my Ex does, and my Ex is higher functioning. Our HMO won't dX BPD, I asked.

dX or no, does it matter? Or are the traits and how we deal with them matter?

[SlyQQ]

What i am saying is they are BPD an BPD traits are distinctly different and i am hoping for ways to handle both

for example a few of my non BPD , traits that I have to deal with are

highly sensitive person ( even history of seeing ghosts when younger ) abandoment issues deppression issues rage / mood swing issues drug / promiscuity issues etc

Q999

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mutt]

What i am saying is they are BPD an BPD traits are distinctly

different and i am hoping for ways to handle both

for example a few of my non BPD , traits that I have to deal with are

highly sensitive person ( even history of seeing ghosts when younger )

abandoment issues

deppression issues

rage / mood swing issues

drug / promiscuity issues

etc

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterised by alternation between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

3. Identity disturbance - markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging, e.g. spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving or binge-eating.

5. Recurrent suicidal behaviour, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behaviour.

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood, e.g. intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety, which usually lasts for between a few hours and several days.

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness

8. Inappropriate, intense anger, or difficulty controlling anger, e.g. frequent displays of temper, constant anger or recurrent physical fights.

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

The criteria for BPD covers all that?

[SlyQQ]

Yes my non BPD step daughter also has dissasocition issues and some self harm ( only when she is raging though ) an my BPD step daughter even thinks she is anorexic ( the one thing she probably isnt that one is projection ) But it is clear to me that she needs to be treated very differently from some one ( her mother an sister ) who is BPD

[SlyQQ]

To be clear all the things i listed are TRAITS of my NON BPD stepdaughter

[Mutt]

I understand. It can be confusing how one person displays traits differently than other. I'd consult with a professional for different treatment types, such as DBT, Schema Therapy. There's also information here on the site.

Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder

[formflier]

What i am saying is they are BPD an BPD traits are distinctly

different and i am hoping for ways to handle both

Can you describe to us how they are different?  Right now I"m not able to visualize or understand how you approach these two people differently.

Once we understand that... we may be able to guide you better

Also... I think it would be helpful if you can describe the support system that each person has in place.

such as...   "my non-BPD stepdaughter goes to a T once per month... .and seems to enjoy reading books about r/s issues"

or

such as... ."the person that has a diagnosis of BPD gets treatment from a psychiatrist once per month... and goes to a T that specializes in DBT on a weekly basis"

I bring this up... .because there are several things you have to understand in order to "figure out a way" as you say to deal with the differences.

1.  You need to understand the behavior they are exhibiting... .can you accurately describe it... .and how often it happens.

2.  You need to understand if this person has been formally evaluated... .by whom... .and what the results are...

3.  You need to understand if the person is in treatment... .and how committed they are to the treament.

My basic point is that everyone has some sort of a support system.  You need to understand that in order to be able to decide on how to approach them.

I'll speak personally here: 

My support system:  My list doesn't indicate which is most important... .that varies depending on what is going on

1.  This site (bpdfamily)

2.  An individual T that I see occasionally and that I can reach out to via the phone

3.  A marriage counselor that my wife and I see roughly every two weeks.

4.  A PhD Psychologist (at the Veterans Administration) that I have had numerous interviews with and has sent me to some pretty extensive testing and evaluation.  He then interpreted those evaluations for me... .and made recommendations on how my support system can help me get to a better place.

5.  A pastor that I can discuss "life issues" with... and that helps connect me to my faith... .guides me on "moral" issues.

6.  A wise lawyer... .who is also a friend... .and who has personal experience dealing with a wife (his) with a mood disorder.

I could go on... .but as you can see... I have an extensive support network... .and I think my current success and state of mind (i feel positive about the future) is due... .in large part... .to my support network

[SlyQQ]

Thanks Mutt they have both recieved therapy though My NON BPD step daughter is progressing well some of the suicide depression issues seem to have abated and a general more positive attitude though there is still a lot to deal with while unfortunately things are going from bad to worse with my other step daughter who is getting fairly intense therapy part of non BPD step daughters problems is of course mum an sister with BPD things like that can be adressed to some extent an help with recovery ( again do people find enviromental factors a big influence on people with BPD traits as opposed to BPD from my perspective it changing enviroment can help a lot with BPD traits but BPD people tend to draw there surroundings an self destructive behaviours with them (despite your best efforts) with them until they learn/choose otherwise )

[Mutt]

Thanks Mutt they have both recieved therapy

though My NON BPD step daughter is progressing

well some of the suicide depression issues seem to have abated

and a general more positive attitude though there is still a lot to deal with

while unfortunately things are going from bad to worse with my other

step daughter who is getting fairly intense therapy part of non  BPD

step daughters problems is of course mum an sister with BPD things

like that can be adressed to some extent an help with recovery ( again

do people find enviromental factors a big influence on people with BPD

traits as opposed to BPD from my perspective it changing enviroment

can help a lot with BPD traits but BPD people tend to draw there

surroundings an self destructive behaviours with them  (despite your best efforts)

with them until they learn/choose  otherwise )

SlyQQ,

I think formflier asked some good questions and provided practical and sound advice.

I'd like to share from my personal experience as well. When I was in the thick of this it was hard to cope. I felt isolated and alone with no one to turn to. My ex made a choice to leave with her affair partner and left me behind. She lacks impulse control and doesn't understand the potential consequences of her impulses.

What helps me is that I'm distant from this stuff now and I'm not around it 24/7. I have a court order for custody. Boundaries appointed by the court so we both understand where the lines are and there can be legal repercussions. In addition my ex and I live in separate homes because our relationship can't be recovered. I can say I've learned tools here that makes communication smoother with my ex and strategies to make life easier ( boundaries, court order, parallel parenting)

I was going to MC in my marriage and individual therapy. After my ex left I went to a P and I still needed to talk to someone to cope with the stress after our sessions were over. I then went to a T parallel to talking to members here. It helps to talk to others that have walked a mile in your shoes.

I had serious legal issues in my marriage because my ex falsely accused me of DV ( projection ) and we were living in the same home. It was scary stuff! My L told me what to say and do and relieved much anxiety and stress. I knew someone was there in my corner giving me guidance and support. Boy that sure helped through a very difficult patch in my life.

I don't have a supportive family. They invalidate me. I had difficulties asking for help because I thought I'd get invalidated. I found that it really helps to reach out when things are going from bad to worse.

How are you feeling and coping with all of this?

[SlyQQ]

Main differences

Impulse control BPD step daughter can do anything! especially if drunk ( a really really wild drunk) including very destructive behaviours

BPD meltsdown under pressure despite good school attendence an positive attitude BPD SD did not finish year 12 after bailing from normal school despite getting A s for course work

 ( non BPD despite missing 267 days school year 10 copes reasonable well with pressue and a much more care free attitude)

BPD grooms allies to enable behaviour ( more stand alone approach from non BPD )

BPD Carries slights badly and for extended periods of time as opposing to shaking it off an moving on

BPD while apparently self confident under shell extremely scared and vunerable

 though both have tantrums they are of a very different nature this is difficult to explain BPD more likely to break down as oppose to angry rage lots of other stuff 

[SlyQQ]

With regards to support little family support due to distance an age

BPD step daughter therapist once a week linked with support team ( psychiatrist etc ) Non BPD reduced to sporadically seeing psyche about two months ago last no longer linked with intensive support

lawyer yes I have one

[SlyQQ]

P.S. BPD step daughter loosing touch with church group once associated with some reluctance to re - engage there

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[formflier]

lawyer yes I have one

This is good... .what kind of issues are you currently discussing with your lawyer?  Any active cases that are causing you concern.

Can you tell us more about the rest of your support system? It certainly seems like you have a lot on your plate... .most of us that have been on this site for a while do.