Why do we miss them?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I've just got in from a works xmas meal. It was a nice evening and there were some lovely people there. A few people were really warm to me and told me how nice it was to see me and how glad they were that I had come. To be honest that was a hell of a lot more than I got from my ex most of the time.

Why then whilst I was sat there did I miss her so much and wanted to be sat with her looking at her with my hand on her leg and pouring all my efforts and interest towards her? It baffles me and I'm annoyed  at myself. She was hard work and often miserable and depressing. Often I felt so on edge and her mood swings were like the needle on a seismograph!

I just want to forget her, but don't know how?

[H Hi]

I've just got in from a works xmas meal. It was a nice evening and there were some lovely people there. A few people were really warm to me and told me how nice it was to see me and how glad they were that I had come. To be honest that was a hell of a lot more than I got from my ex most of the time.

Why then whilst I was sat there did I miss her so much and wanted to be sat with her looking at her with my hand on her leg and pouring all my efforts and interest towards her? It baffles me and I'm annoyed  at myself. She was hard work and often miserable and depressing. Often I felt so on edge and her mood swings were like the needle on a seismograph!

I just want to forget her, but don't know how?

[fromheeltoheal]

You are doing what you need to be doing right now, posting here, all part of the processing we need to do once these relationships end.  The constant thinking about her is your brain doing its job, making sense of the psychic mess, which it will, it just takes time and some effort.  You won't forget her though, the emotional energy will just dissipate until the memories are benign.

[guy4caligirl]

Indeed , hang  in there , it's a process you have to go through I did I still do after months since B/U but I promise you it will get a whole lot better .Keep posting we are in it together .

[downwhim]

I know why I miss him, it is hard to be alone (sounds so co dependent) I know, but it's hard enough and it's the holidays. My ex was pretty anti social so you got me as to why I missed him at the office party. I got where is ? Why is your ring off ? Oh, I am so sorry... .He is with replacement at her office party now.  

[Faith1520]

H Hi: I can relate to all of that. Why do we miss so badly being around someone who was unpleasant a lot of the time?

Going NC has been helpful for me to not think about him as much and to progress in healing. I have noticed that the longer Ive distanced myself, the more clarity and 20/20 hindsight I've gotten.

downwhim: I think even those who dont struggle with codependency can have a hard time being alone which makes sense because one of the greatest human needs is companionship. I think it's harder for us codependents because we spent so much time and energy trying to please someone else. When they were happy, we were happy. Now all we have to do is make ourselves happy, which sounds like a simple thing, but I think it makes us feel a little lost because we've been so focused on them that we forgot what it is that we like. I also think it seems boring (in a good way, but one that also makes us feel lost or that something is missing) because in comparison we are so easy to please that there's no challenge in it. If that makes any sense. (It made sense in my head)

[parisian]

H Hi: I can relate to all of that. Why do we miss so badly being around someone who was unpleasant a lot of the time?

Going NC has been helpful for me to not think about him as much and to progress in healing. I have noticed that the longer Ive distanced myself, the more clarity and 20/20 hindsight I've gotten.

downwhim: I think even those who dont struggle with codependency can have a hard time being alone which makes sense because one of the greatest human needs is companionship. I think it's harder for us codependents because we spent so much time and energy trying to please someone else. When they were happy, we were happy. Now all we have to do is make ourselves happy, which sounds like a simple thing, but I think it makes us feel a little lost because we've been so focused on them that we forgot what it is that we like. I also think it seems boring (in a good way, but one that also makes us feel lost or that something is missing) because in comparison we are so easy to please that there's no challenge in it. If that makes any sense. (It made sense in my head)

Faith, your comments above are spot on. Our codenpendency makes it difficult for us (initially anyway, whilst we are in the 'getting over it phase', especially during times when we are used to spending it with them. I didn't live with my exBPDgf, but did spend Friday and Saturday nights with her, and initially, that seemed to be the loneliest times. During the week was fine - I was busy with work and just life things after work, but on weekends, when I was used to being with her, I found lonely and sad. Solution - I organised events and reconnected with friends. I didn't want her at those events and so didn't miss her, because several times she was drunk and aggressive towards my friends, so I always felt nervous about her fitting in. It is nice actually to be able to enjoy time with friends now, without that worry or burden.

[Blimblam]

To echo what heeled said what happened at the end of the relationship doesn't make sense and our brain goes into or redtube trying to make sense of it.

I want I add a lot of it has to do with the nature of the attachment the way they merge psyches has the potential to go much deeper than a "normal" relationship. Their body language triggers others on an unconcious level to be attracted to them. It's like many of them have mastered nonverbal seduction.  Then through introjective identification they take into themself a lot of our personality and mirror it back at us.  Litterally becoming our ideal mate to secure the attachment. Then at the end through projective identification they project into us their crap and split themselves leaving us to process their crap.

This is so painfull because during the innitially attachment phase of idealization the attachment is like infant parent type bond and ideal mate. They mold themself to fit into all the holes in our ego.

[peiper]

To echo what heeled said what happened at the end of the relationship doesn't make sense and our brain goes into or redtube trying to make sense of it.

I want I add a lot of it has to do with the nature of the attachment the way they merge psyches has the potential to go much deeper than a "normal" relationship. Their body language triggers others on an unconcious level to be attracted to them. It's like many of them have mastered nonverbal seduction.  Then through introjective identification they take into themself a lot of our personality and mirror it back at us.  Litterally becoming our ideal mate to secure the attachment. Then at the end through projective identification they project into us their crap and split themselves leaving us to process their crap.

This is so painfull because during the innitially attachment phase of idealization the attachment is like infant parent type bond and ideal mate. They mold themself to fit into all the holes in our ego.

Blimps your inbox is full

[enlighten me]

Blimblam I agree with the parent child bond. I think it has a lot to do with oxytocin. When were happy and loving we release oxytocin to form a bond. I also believe that in the honeymoon stage s pwBPD also does. It can even be passed in the same way as pheromones. Like smoking I believe that we become addicted to the effect of oxytocin. During the push pull we get the occassional fix during the pull stage.

[christoff522]

I've just got in from a works xmas meal. It was a nice evening and there were some lovely people there. A few people were really warm to me and told me how nice it was to see me and how glad they were that I had come. To be honest that was a hell of a lot more than I got from my ex most of the time.

Why then whilst I was sat there did I miss her so much and wanted to be sat with her looking at her with my hand on her leg and pouring all my efforts and interest towards her? It baffles me and I'm annoyed  at myself. She was hard work and often miserable and depressing. Often I felt so on edge and her mood swings were like the needle on a seismograph!

I just want to forget her, but don't know how?

They filled a hole in our lives, We were lonely, and they stopped us from feeling alone. We felt ugly and they made us feel beautiful etc etc

You don't miss the awfulness but you do miss the place they had in your life. Let us not forget also that the abuse often made us want them more, so its a big, intense energetic black hole that they leave when they're gone.

You will end up with someone else, whoever it is will be massively superior to your BPD, so worry not, just work on your confidence and self-esteem until that time comes, take the fact you missed her as part of a process of recovery, don't  question it just experience it.

[jhkbuzz]

You are doing what you need to be doing right now, posting here, all part of the processing we need to do once these relationships end.  The constant thinking about her is your brain doing its job, making sense of the psychic mess, which it will, it just takes time and some effort.  You won't forget her though, the emotional energy will just dissipate until the memories are benign.

This is really solid, hopeful advice. Four months out of the b/u and I'm starting to understand this - and believe the last sentence will actually be possible in the not too distant future.

I keep telling myself: it wasn't me, it wasn't me, it wasn't me.  The disorder always wins.

[peiper]

I've just got in from a works xmas meal. It was a nice evening and there were some lovely people there. A few people were really warm to me and told me how nice it was to see me and how glad they were that I had come. To be honest that was a hell of a lot more than I got from my ex most of the time.

Why then whilst I was sat there did I miss her so much and wanted to be sat with her looking at her with my hand on her leg and pouring all my efforts and interest towards her? It baffles me and I'm annoyed  at myself. She was hard work and often miserable and depressing. Often I felt so on edge and her mood swings were like the needle on a seismograph!

I just want to forget her, but don't know how?

They filled a hole in our lives, We were lonely, and they stopped us from feeling alone. We felt ugly and they made us feel beautiful etc etc

You don't miss the awfulness but you do miss the place they had in your life. Let us not forget also that the abuse often made us want them more, so its a big, intense energetic black hole that they leave when they're gone.

You will end up with someone else, whoever it is will be massively superior to your BPD, so worry not, just work on your confidence and self-esteem until that time comes, take the fact you missed her as part of a process of recovery, don't  question it just experience it.

Very good point. The the push pull abuse did have me addicted to keep hoping the good times would come back and stay. Which was a fantasy on my part.

[guy4caligirl]

 

Quote from Blimblam:

I want I add a lot of it has to do with the nature of the attachment the way they merge psyches has the potential to go much deeper than a "normal" relationship. Their body language triggers others on an unconscious level to be attracted to them. It's like many of them have mastered nonverbal seduction.  Then through introjective identification they take into themself a lot of our personality and mirror it back at us.  Litterally becoming our ideal mate to secure the attachment. Then at the end through projective identification they project into us their crap and split themselves leaving us to process their crap.



Amazing power of body language and seduction , I still feel it when thinking of her , that's for sure is the addictiveness that the more time we spent with them the harder addicted we are  .

We all sometimes wonder if they really loved us , I sometimes wonder if I loved her .

Her charming ways and the body language , the intended seduction ,the power of smell always sexy even when she get's up in the morning and stretch out  , you may call it lust , and we all get so  in pain when we think she is doing this with someone else .

What do you think ?

Where we in a real love or lust ?

[downwhim]

Faith, yes, it is learning how to be me again without him, without the worry. Let's see 22 years of a marriage and 8 with him. 30 years of everyone else. I kind of have to laugh at myself. Instead of making sure everyone is happy I am running to get self help books at the library, journaling, working out, throwing out crap that is his, spending TIME with my college son that I have missed. So, focusing on ourselves is what we need to do now to heal. It is unusual for me. The quiet, less drama. I am so grateful to have this space to write and reflect and to learn from all of you... .

[downwhim]

Guy4caligirl,

Thanks for bringing this up on a lonely Sunday morning

I thought about this yesterday. I was addicted to him. Addicted to the sex, his smell, his body, his voice, his touch. Addicted. Not love. If I took away the sex, which he did a few months before b/u to be with replacement then I thought about what I had... .well, zero for intelligence, zero for how we parented our kids, zero for how we socialize with others (I have friends he doesn't) zero for patience (him not me), zero for flexibility, zero for empathy toward others, zero maturity... .the list goes on.

He is not all bad. He is punctual and he was very generous with me and I am not perfect. But take away the sex and I found a shell and a person that is not at all like what I had envisioned for myself. I lived with high anxiety, red alert, ready for the rage everyday.

[guy4caligirl]

Downwhim ,

The purpose of being honest and display here what we like , it's a great attribute for our healing process , it's a reality check , I am glad it touched you and you were absolutely right that they have nothing  to offer but pain and anxiety !

Today marks 5 months since B/u . 10 days NC , when you reach the point of being angry you start seeing the light I am glad I do and wish you do too.

Every dog has his day .

Sooner or latter or may be now they will pay the price of hurting people .

[downwhim]

Your right, this is the place to be honest and I have tried to be as much as possible. Yes, the pain they cause without a care.

[antelope]

the void we feel at the end of the relationship has very little to do with them, and everything to do with us... .

after ridding ourselves of the immediate problem (them), we find ourselves in a 'lost' place, b/c of how long it's been since we've been with ourselves... .

these relationships suck the life out of you, particularly your time, and more specifically, the time we didn't spend growing and progressing b/c we were basically taking care of another person... .in other words, we stagnated personally... .

why is this significant?

well, let's face it... .when we all entered these relationships, we had some type (or many) of vulnerability, or unresolved inner conflict, that led us to acquiring and staying in a very dysfunctional situation with a very dysfunctional person... .

now, at the end of it all, we find ourselves back in that place, but with our issue(s) fully exposed to us... .it's terrifying, devastating, confusing, and isolating... .

you miss how GREAT you felt at the beginning... .now, it's time for you to work on sustaining the same/similar feeling for yourself, in a healthy, realistic way... .

[Faith1520]

To echo what heeled said what happened at the end of the relationship doesn't make sense and our brain goes into or redtube trying to make sense of it.

I want I add a lot of it has to do with the nature of the attachment the way they merge psyches has the potential to go much deeper than a "normal" relationship. Their body language triggers others on an unconcious level to be attracted to them. It's like many of them have mastered nonverbal seduction.  Then through introjective identification they take into themself a lot of our personality and mirror it back at us.  Litterally becoming our ideal mate to secure the attachment. Then at the end through projective identification they project into us their crap and split themselves leaving us to process their crap.

This is so painfull because during the innitially attachment phase of idealization the attachment is like infant parent type bond and ideal mate. They mold themself to fit into all the holes in our ego.

In all of my research, I hadn't heard the term "introjective identification" It's really interesting that they have the ability to learn, take in, and mirror exactly what we want. I feel like most healthy minded people can't even do that. I cannot get over how much he pulled me in with how wonderful he could be. I've read that they always trying to be on their best behavior (when they're able to regulate their emotions, that is) in order to avoid abandonment... .but this could help explain things, too. Thanks for the info!

[evilpepsi]

I can't speak for everyone on this, but I can say that for me it's the ending that did the damage to me. That's more than losing her.  To go from white to black in a 12 hour span and then act like she hates me without a rational reason left me shellshocked.

I miss her like I would anyone that I have lost, but I miss the clarity more than anything. Its more like I'm mourning that part of ME that was destroyed by being with her. I spent my life protecting this one last shred of innocence that remained in me and now it's gone... .

[downwhim]

Evilpepsi, great insight! Thank you.

Yes, we are left with us in the end to look at in the mirror and say where did I go, BUT please, we were kicked down, beat up, used, lied to, cheated on and as you said all in a 12 hour period.  How does one handle this? We were unprepared and it went from move in with me to get the hell out in a few hours span. Shell shocked and totally walked on. Sorry if it sounds like a victim but you know what I mean.

One minute we are moving to another state and the next he is moving on alone. I was vulnerable when I met him but I had some self esteem. By the time he was done with me I had no self esteem let alone any energy to pick myself back up. I take responsibility for ignoring the   's all along and not getting out sooner. But, as many of us have said I loved him or I was addicted to him which ever is correct.

[Wanna Move On]

Why do we miss them? Because their over-emotionality and over-adulation (when we are their perfect savior) can be intoxicating.

But the same overly wide and intoxicating pendulum swings to the "positive" side are completely cancelled out by their overly wide and satanic pendulum swings to the tormented, dysregulated side.

They are emotionally stunted and have the same over reactivity as a small child. They cannot regulate their emotional amperage.

Very sad.

[Blimblam]

To echo what heeled said what happened at the end of the relationship doesn't make sense and our brain goes into or redtube trying to make sense of it.

I want I add a lot of it has to do with the nature of the attachment the way they merge psyches has the potential to go much deeper than a "normal" relationship. Their body language triggers others on an unconcious level to be attracted to them. It's like many of them have mastered nonverbal seduction.  Then through introjective identification they take into themself a lot of our personality and mirror it back at us.  Litterally becoming our ideal mate to secure the attachment. Then at the end through projective identification they project into us their crap and split themselves leaving us to process their crap.

This is so painfull because during the innitially attachment phase of idealization the attachment is like infant parent type bond and ideal mate. They mold themself to fit into all the holes in our ego.

In all of my research, I hadn't heard the term "introjective identification" It's really interesting that they have the ability to learn, take in, and mirror exactly what we want. I feel like most healthy minded people can't even do that. I cannot get over how much he pulled me in with how wonderful he could be. I've read that they always trying to be on their best behavior (when they're able to regulate their emotions, that is) in order to avoid abandonment... .but this could help explain things, too. Thanks for the info!

Yes it's definately worth looking into I recomend the projective identification book by Thomas Ogden.

A lot if it is very subtle and nonverbal. The thing is it's not like they have to even rage to hurt us. My ex didn't rage.  Their was a stage she began introjecting other people's personality and those parts of them held me in contempt.  Almost like she was a container for other people's values and opinions playing out against that part of her she associated with me yet through the counter transference I felt all of it but it confused the heck out of me. Because she was having an internal war in herself with the disorder and she was hurting this vulnerable part of herself through me while disassociating from it.

[hithere]

It is not really her or your relationship with her you miss, those were not quite real.  You  miss the fantasy that you thought she fulfilled.  I promise you it gets easier, time will heal this.  Just be strong and remind yourself of the bad times when you pine for her.  Keep yourself busy and do things that will improve your future!