Psychological impasse I guess I found one of my core problems

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi,

bear with me a little.

I am 39 years old, in my life I havent't had that much dating experience, even when I dated my uBPDex for a year and a half. (last realtionship) 5 years ago. ANd even a past relation wanted to marry me.

My T from time to time tells me that somethig that happens to me are my ideals of the self, that is that I feel (because logically I would tell you NO) that there are thing that I should have accomplished by now (39 remember) but that all those things are not necessarily true. That I dont have to have x,y,z thing or have lived x,y,z experience.

Now we come to dating, I it supposed that I must have tons of experience and be confident and know how to go on dating and with a relationship. But the truth is I don't I get scared and I dont know what to do. I've been on relationships yes, hey when I dated my uBPDex friends, even my T told me you did everything to keep alive a realtionship that was impossible. So somehow I do have my charm and knowledge of what to do. I know this ratinally but not in my core.

So here is my Psychological impasse I believe I should know about dating and relationshios by now (39 again remember) that I should not be rejected so easily making a fool and dork of myself. Because THAT IS THE WAY I WOUKD FEEL A DORK! I am supposed to know how to date and approach women IT IS SPECTED FROM ME. So to avoid it I don't do it, I dont want to look like a DORK, so I don't do it, even if I want to and feel the need to. But if I don't go for it I won't get the chance to meet a nice person.

So that is my Psychological impasse, logically I know it is bull... it  but not in my core.

Thanks for reading.

[InJourneyThroughOz]

Hi,

bear with me a little.

I am 39 years old, in my life I havent't had that much dating experience, even when I dated my uBPDex for a year and a half. (last realtionship) 5 years ago. ANd even a past relation wanted to marry me.

My T from time to time tells me that somethig that happens to me are my ideals of the self, that is that I feel (because logically I would tell you NO) that there are thing that I should have accomplished by now (39 remember) but that all those things are not necessarily true. That I dont have to have x,y,z thing or have lived x,y,z experience.

Now we come to dating, I it supposed that I must have tons of experience and be confident and know how to go on dating and with a relationship. But the truth is I don't I get scared and I dont know what to do. I've been on relationships yes, hey when I dated my uBPDex friends, even my T told me you did everything to keep alive a realtionship that was impossible. So somehow I do have my charm and knowledge of what to do. I know this ratinally but not in my core.

So here is my Psychological impasse I believe I should know about dating and relationshios by now (39 again remember) that I should not be rejected so easily making a fool and dork of myself. Because THAT IS THE WAY I WOUKD FEEL A DORK! I am supposed to know how to date and approach women IT IS SPECTED FROM ME. So to avoid it I don't do it, I dont want to look like a DORK, so I don't do it, even if I want to and feel the need to. But if I don't go for it I won't get the chance to meet a nice person.

So that is my Psychological impasse, logically I know it is bull... it  but not in my core.

Thanks for reading.

[Pingo]

Well InJourneyThroughOz, I am 45 and I've been married twice and had LOTS of relationships before I was married and I STILL don't have a clue!  So don't think you are alone in this.  Because looking at all my failed attempts at a good r/s has made me really question myself and my ability to ever be in a good r/s.  But then I step back and get some objectivity and realise that MOST people are not that great at relationships!  Look at the divorce rate!  Your T is right, there is no script that says you have to have x,y,z thing or have lived x,y,z experience.  This is the story we tell ourselves to keep us shackled to our insecurities.  BTW, I AM a dork and I'm starting to embrace it!

[Forestaken]

I'm 52 recently divorce (5/2014) separated (7/2011) not dated since Reagan was president! 

My T told me to focus on myself, value myself.  Something that needs to be accomplished before looking for another r/s.  Lonely? yup!  But peace is better than violence and drama that I experienced before. 

BTW: Me -> total geek with women.  But IMO: If she values someone who is all flash - she doesn't have my values.  It won't work out and I'm just wasting time and money.

[fromheeltoheal]

So here is my Psychological impasse I believe I should know about dating and relationshios by now (39 again remember) that I should not be rejected so easily making a fool and dork of myself. Because THAT IS THE WAY I WOUKD FEEL A DORK! I am supposed to know how to date and approach women IT IS SPECTED FROM ME. So to avoid it I don't do it, I dont want to look like a DORK, so I don't do it, even if I want to and feel the need to. But if I don't go for it I won't get the chance to meet a nice person.

First, you have a lot of rules about how things should be and how you should be, and you're not meeting up to your own rules, so you are a failure in your own head, disempowering, but also enlightening and useful.  The key is to see yourself exactly as you are, but not worse than you are, and to be honest about exactly where you are and where you want to be, and identify the gap between.  The cool thing about dating is if you go out with someone and make a fool of yourself, be a dork as you put it, and believe me I've done that more than once, the good news is you can learn from the experience and you don't ever have to see that person again.  And then do it again, and learn some more.  And after a while you will probably meet a woman who makes a fool out of herself, shows up as a total dork, and then you can get together and go make dork bliss together, or you can see that women are nothing more than the opposite of us men, same faults, and it will get more comfortable.  There is no other way, and if you make it fun or at least classroom time, a learning experience, there's the girl of your dreams on the other side of that, guaranteed.  Good luck and keep us posted!

[Blimblam]

In journey through. Personally I think that deep down everyone is a weird dork. My personal philosophy is to find someone to be a weird dork with. Embrace your weirdness don't treat people in ways you wouldn't want to be treated!

[InJourneyThroughOz]

Hi,

thank you all for your isights.


Things have been a big turmoil lately... .so much inner struggle. If you havent read my other post, It all happened after this 5 days vacations with a coworker girl whom I feel a lot of attraction.

I saw a youtube video yesterday that described me perfectly.  Basically it states I am a people pleaser. Bottom line I must dont give a f... k what other pople think about me, and this people pleasing makes me hide my true self to pelase others. Seem this happens specificaly when trying to meet a woman. It is when all things become foobar.

Also it seems that I hadn't realized that there were still tons of issues regarding me uBPDex even after 5 years.

I came to realize that all this years I've been hiding from the world and not taking control of my life. I am scared to drive I say I dont like it but I am scared to drive, because it would imply freedom at least inside me.

Withthis girl I saw her at a work bar reunion, I made my way until I sat besides her. I remember I saw her eyes when I came in, I'm not making this up she was glad and smiling. Later a friend of hers drunk began to tease her and became a real pain in the as... with me. I had to bring this alpha male out. Before at one point given he is his old time friend, I asked her if everything was ok. I she was cool. She said yes an and I only told her. OK.

Sunday I asked her out to have some coffee. She told me she couldn't as it is her sunday with her friends. I was then that this old ghosts appeared, of my ex, ghosts that have been there hidden for 5 years. Thinking that she is lying, that she doesnt want to see me, that she is gong out with anther guy. Hey, she is not my girlfriend, she can do what she wants. But all this old ghosts just came out and invaded my soul.

I know all this doesn't have to do anything this this girl, it's all in me.

Any rejection I feel like I just broke everything foobar, that is a big issue, maybe because as have come to realize I'm a people pleaser.

The truth is I would like to have some feedback from her, like a hello message or something. To reafirm me, to know I'm in the right direction. But hey while she doesn't tell me NO is a YES right?. But on the other hand beside she couldn't meet me on Sunday she allways answer my messages, of course there have been two that she didn't answer. One where I told her that I ejoyed the trip tht we should do it again. An the second one where I told her that she seem like a nice person that i would be nice to know better.  Talking with my mother she told me of course she won't answer those messages, no need of, your message is clear but she wont say yes it's to compromising and shw wont say no it would cut off all intereset. But believe me she got the intention of your message. And she didn't want to she would have told you no.

I don't know... .