Is she respecting boundaries or does she just not care anymore ?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My ex BPDgf has not made contact in 5 days now since I told her not to contact me again . Prior to this she would have some form of contact via text . One of the last ones I got from her said eventually I just won't care about you anymore . I've gone NC to heal and move forward she made a point of texting me 5 days ago to show me she has unblocked my number ! Mind games ? Or respecting boundaries ? Or just doesn't care anymore and she is hoping il text her to then not reply ? I am tempted as I feel she does feel something for me it's difficult if I resist the urge today il prob be fine tomorrow ive not blocked her number shal I wait to see if she texts me ? I was doing fine with NC today I'm struggling ! She has not respected boundaries before in our relationship.

[Splitblack4good]

My ex BPDgf has not made contact in 5 days now since I told her not to contact me again . Prior to this she would have some form of contact via text . One of the last ones I got from her said eventually I just won't care about you anymore . I've gone NC to heal and move forward she made a point of texting me 5 days ago to show me she has unblocked my number ! Mind games ? Or respecting boundaries ? Or just doesn't care anymore and she is hoping il text her to then not reply ? I am tempted as I feel she does feel something for me it's difficult if I resist the urge today il prob be fine tomorrow ive not blocked her number shal I wait to see if she texts me ? I was doing fine with NC today I'm struggling ! She has not respected boundaries before in our relationship.

[Deeno02]

This is your choice to make on how you want to handle it. Me? If I have no reason to maintain limited contact with her (kid, bills, house) then I wont. NC is for you to heal. Do it, dont do it, but your choice, but be mindful of the consequences... .

[peiper]

It's typical of the push/ pull of a pwBPD. The game changes and they escalate things. Look at psychology, if they can create a sense of loss they also create a sense of want in you, which makes it easier for them to manipulate us.

[Splitblack4good]

It's typical of the push/ pull of a pwBPD. The game changes and they escalate things. Look at psychology, if they can create a sense of loss they also create a sense of want in you, which makes it easier for them to manipulate us.

So what your saying is if I cave in she prob won't reply ?

[peiper]

It's typical of the push/ pull of a pwBPD. The game changes and they escalate things. Look at psychology, if they can create a sense of loss they also create a sense of want in you, which makes it easier for them to manipulate us.

So what your saying is if I cave in she prob won't reply ?

Yes and if she did you put her back in control. It sounds like you might want her back, if that's the case make her contact you.

[OutOfEgypt]

Mind games ? Or respecting boundaries ? Or just doesn't care anymore and she is hoping il text her to then not reply ?

Does it matter?  Their whole dynamic is about getting people to be obsessed with them, one way or another.  And whether it is intentional or unconscious, it is working.  You're obsessed.  It doesn't matter what she's doing.

My ex is in a phase where she is being very nice to me.  Like overly nice.  Has she suddenly changed?  Is she suddenly respectful?  No flippin' way.  She's not Hitler, but she hasn't changed.  I expected this from her.  And I know that with the slightest whiff of rejection from me, even if purely in her head, she will go back to painting me black.  It doesn't matter, though.  I can't stop her from being how she is, and it isn't my job or desire to try.

The bottom line is that a relationship should never be like a tiny tug-boat tied to a gigantic sinking ocean liner, but that is how it will always be with them.  They will pull us under and sink us every time.  You just need to keep on with your decision to want something better for yourself.

Remember, No Contact is to externally force detachment so that you can internally detach and heal from your obsession with them.  The goal is detachment... .which means you let them go, completely.  You stop wondering about what they are doing, what they might mean by their actions, etc. etc.  

You can do what you want, but you already know what will happen if you open the door for her again.  In the meantime, more of your life is tick-tocking away, flushed straight down the toilet.

[fromheeltoheal]

So what your saying is if I cave in she prob won't reply ?

What 'caving in' means is you let go of the boundaries you've set, and your resolve along with it, and succumbed to her allure once again, and she will respect you less for doing it, along with the same old sht.  Is that really what you want?

Ever watch a 3 year old girl?  She's feeling her oats a little and will run away from mommy, because screw you mommy, I'm a big girl now and I can venture out into the world on my own, but she also never lets mommy out of her sight, and if she does get too far away and can't see her she goes running back in a hurry, because mommy I need you don't ever leave me please I was scared.  Add a few decades and the internet and that's what you're dealing with; play at your own risk.

[OutOfEgypt]

fromheeltoheal's point about giving in is absolutely true.  100% truth.  You'll be reinforcing her pattern, and your behavior would scream to her loud and clear, "I have no respect for myself whatsoever, so feel free to come in, use me, and then crap all over me as you please."

[Xidion]

fromheeltoheal's point about giving in is absolutely true.  100% truth.  You'll be reinforcing her pattern, and your behavior would scream to her loud and clear, "I have no respect for myself whatsoever, so feel free to come in, use me, and then crap all over me as you please."

This is very true. I chased my exBPDgf on two different occasions after she acted impulsively on something that was her doing. I was a putz and let her make me believe it was my doing. Both times we got back together after a couple days. The 3rd time was the charm. She said I was a "smooth talker". Again implying that it was my fault and I'm able to talk her back into the relationship. Needless to say, the drama just continued as now she knew she could do whatever she wanted and I would take her back. She probably still thinks that. I've been no contact for 16 days now and she has unblocked me from facebook, re added my family members that she removed, and is doing drivebys at my work when I get off and other places while still with my replacement. This is a perfect example of the 3 year old girl keeping you in her sights. I'm not giving in, I'm staying no contact. Any further time invested is time wasted. Heal and move on to someone who is worthy, my friend.

[RedDove]

It's the push/pull dynamic and unfortunately it will never change. Our BPD exes are driven by their feelings and needs. Their feelings/needs are ever changing and fleeting. In other words 5 days ago she may have been feeling down and texted you along with texting several others. By now, others have responded and she got the desired result=attention. If you text her, you are giving up control and not respecting the boundary you set of asking her not to contact you.

My ex BPDbf broke NC initiated by me 5+ months ago. He started on a dating site I had joined, then an email, then text bombing. It simmered down when I didn't respond to the idealization. Then he found out through a mutual friend that my Dad was hospitalized. He began texting again every day, several times a day under the pretense he actually cared about my Dad. Later, the texts turned back into idealization and asking me out for a drink to catch up. I texted that my Dad was the priority right now. Guess what? The text bombing stopped and I haven't heard from him in 3 days.

Again, it's based upon their needs/feelings in that moment. He was obviously lonely, down and looking for attention. I didn't take the bait and "jump" to meet him for a drink. But you know what? You can bet one of his "other" women did! I'm just glad I understand BPD behavior and can recognize it for what it is now... .not love, or caring towards me, it's all based upon his feelings and needs "at that moment"!

[Jmanster]

In the words of Arnold, "She'll be back."

[Deeno02]

The mere thought of that gives me a freaking head ache... .^^^^^^^

[Learning_curve74]

Splitblack, I can sympathize with how you feel. A pwBPD often is inconsistent with their contact, sometimes bombing you and sometimes ignoring you. That's why it's important that you seem to have decided that having boundaries is important. When you set boundaries and consistently enforce them, you teach other people which of their behaviors you will tolerate and which of their behaviors you will not. This is not directly making them act as you wish, merely setting the stage for others to hopefully respect your boundaries and treat you in the manner you wish to be treated.

You seem to ask what is her "game". What about asking yourself what you want? What is it that you wish? Also, what particular boundaries are you setting and wanting to enforce? You can only control your responses, not hers, but that is all anybody can do regardless of whether we are dealing with a pwBPD or nonBPD person.

Lastly, remember that everybody struggles. That doesn't make you a failure, just human. 

[Targeted]

Hey split, how are you doing?  I know you are only one month out but that means you are still in the fog, it is very hard to cut through that, i'm very much getting the impression by your posts that you would be willing to take her back at this point, I know I prayed for that myself for months ago, if you are like me then you have read all the information on this site, read everybody's posts and searched endlessly through the Internet looking for that one more word or phrase or tiny piece of information that is going to connect everything together for you and then you will have the answer and the magic pill that is going to fix everything so you can grow old in each other's arms, I was one month out to you know but that was over four months ago, at over five months out it looks all different, when you start coming out of the fog and back into reality you will see there is no magic pill, and the only answer she has,  The only thing you could possibly hope for now is that she realises that she has a problem and makes a full commitment to therapy otherwise you have absolutely nothing but more of the same getting worse each time.  If you are holding onto hope to someday continue this relationship it looks like you have a lot of work to do yourself, keep reading and learning about the disorder in the reality will become more clear as you start to heal and come out of the fog  and realise what you are actually going to have to take on in order to make this relationship work, she's backwards and speaks a different language!  Love does not work, loving her hurts her, we think factually and emotions are a byproduct of facts. They think emotionally from a dysfunctional place that create facts.  They are children in a adult body that need to be re-parented, just a suggestion here but if you want to make this work in the future she does not need somebody that just loves her, I think she is going to need you to learn to think a little backwards and be able to read between the lines all while speaking a different language and being not Only her partner by her parents and guardian as well. And I think if you are willing to do all of that I can totally understand why you would, but you still going to have to wait for her to realise she has a problem and take the first step in committing herself to therapy before any of your work as a chance to be fruitful!  And it is still only a chance, --reality

[Splitblack4good]

Hey targeted yes thank you I am ok what about yourself ? For some reason I just really missed her today as much as her non stop phone calls whilst I was at work or endless texts were so anouying i kind of miss them my phone only rings a few times a day now from family or freinds I'm used to it ringing all the time and not even having to look at the screen and know it would be her and talking to her whilst I'm working ther were loads of days we didn't argue she was just lonely and checking what time I would be home and also of course I defiantly am coming home ! Lol I miss the good bits like that from our relationship I didn't get the all good just in the honeymoon phase she would have moments like that about 50/50 throughout our relaitionship .

I was just thinking of her today more than Normal since the split il be ok tho just nearly a almost weak moment I did manage to stay NC

[Targeted]

I'm OK, shes still trying to get to me but I am getting stronger!  I love her but wont settle for less than I deserve,  I learned through this process that this is not infatuation for me so if its love for me than its only healthy love if its reciprocated!

Codependancy I think can make you ignore reciprocation. 

[Splitblack4good]

I'm OK, shes still trying to get to me but I am getting stronger!  I love her but wont settle for less than I deserve,  I learned through this process that this is not infatuation for me so if its love for me than its only healthy love if its reciprocated!

Codependancy I think can make you ignore reciprocation.  

Targeted , I think you hit the nail on the head and bang on dead centre with this .

Overnight I went from wanting to contact her to now wanting to push her away even more . I've posted today about a smear campaign she TRIED to start but has backfired on her big time . I've now realized that what she has tried to lie about me as a person she is very toxic ! And am glad her ex best freinds that hardly know me could see the truth and have now turned on her ! I do deserve so much better and more from a partner and life in general .

[Deeno02]

I'm OK, shes still trying to get to me but I am getting stronger!  I love her but wont settle for less than I deserve,  I learned through this process that this is not infatuation for me so if its love for me than its only healthy love if its reciprocated!

Codependancy I think can make you ignore reciprocation.  

Targeted , I think you hit the nail on the head and bang on dead centre with this .

Overnight I went from wanting to contact her to now wanting to push her away even more . I've posted today about a smear campaign she TRIED to start but has backfired on her big time . I've now realized that what she has tried to lie about me as a person she is very toxic ! And am glad her ex best freinds that hardly know me could see the truth and have now turned on her ! I do deserve so much better and more from a partner and life in general .

Im/was totally codependant. Not sure if it made me ignore reciprocation or not. I guess it was just beat out of me to where I didnt expect it anymore. Guess it was indoctrination at its finest as I slowly was divested of reciprication by her. Oh, she would come over with a new shirt or something when all I wanted was just someone to listen to me, be there for me like I was for her and as I was devalued, I was pushed further away to where I wasnt wanted or allowed to be involved in her schedule or allowed to do things for her. Still hurts so freaking bad how all I wanted was to be a part of her and her kids life, and for a little while I was, but somehow it all changed and I dont know why it started getting weird. 4 months and Im doing ok, not great, just ok. Thinking of how I was not wanted or needed and all I was to her was someone to fill the space her husband left. It hurts so very much as I was all in. Im not a boy scout, not perfect in the r/s, but when a r/s starts becoming one sided, and you see it, something is wrong. I know that now. I just have to move past the pain from someone who treated me badly and wondering why Im having such a time shaking it.

[oortcloud]

Following on this idea of our ex's acting on impulse: I wonder why some of them (i.e. my ex) decided to block me on twitter after initially unfollowing me months ago. It doesn't stop her from seeing my feed and I don't really check hers that often anyway. I guess it's a control thing?

[Deeno02]

Following on this idea of our ex's acting on impulse: I wonder why some of them (i.e. my ex) decided to block me on twitter after initially unfollowing me months ago. It doesn't stop her from seeing my feed and I don't really check hers that often anyway. I guess it's a control thing?

I dont know. Hard to say. Im not sure if she can see my stuff or not, but I blocked mine on just about everything I can think of. Havent seen or heard from her in 4 months so maybe Im ok in that sense. I dont know if its a control thing or a "Im done with him/her and its on my terms" type of making themselves feel like they are the right one in ending the r/s. Kind of like making themselves feel better.

[Splitblack4good]

Following on this idea of our ex's acting on impulse: I wonder why some of them (i.e. my ex) decided to block me on twitter after initially unfollowing me months ago. It doesn't stop her from seeing my feed and I don't really check hers that often anyway. I guess it's a control thing?

They do some weird and crazy things to make you play ther game still. My ex blocked me on her phone then 8 hours later text me to say she has now unblocked me ! MENTAL !

[Splitblack4good]

I'm OK, shes still trying to get to me but I am getting stronger!  I love her but wont settle for less than I deserve,  I learned through this process that this is not infatuation for me so if its love for me than its only healthy love if its reciprocated!

Codependancy I think can make you ignore reciprocation.  

Targeted , I think you hit the nail on the head and bang on dead centre with this .

Overnight I went from wanting to contact her to now wanting to push her away even more . I've posted today about a smear campaign she TRIED to start but has backfired on her big time . I've now realized that what she has tried to lie about me as a person she is very toxic ! And am glad her ex best freinds that hardly know me could see the truth and have now turned on her ! I do deserve so much better and more from a partner and life in general .

Im/was totally codependant. Not sure if it made me ignore reciprocation or not. I guess it was just beat out of me to where I didnt expect it anymore. Guess it was indoctrination at its finest as I slowly was divested of reciprication by her. Oh, she would come over with a new shirt or something when all I wanted was just someone to listen to me, be there for me like I was for her and as I was devalued, I was pushed further away to where I wasnt wanted or allowed to be involved in her schedule or allowed to do things for her. Still hurts so freaking bad how all I wanted was to be a part of her and her kids life, and for a little while I was, but somehow it all changed and I dont know why it started getting weird. 4 months and Im doing ok, not great, just ok. Thinking of how I was not wanted or needed and all I was to her was someone to fill the space her husband left. It hurts so very much as I was all in. Im not a boy scout, not perfect in the r/s, but when a r/s starts becoming one sided, and you see it, something is wrong. I know that now. I just have to move past the pain from someone who treated me badly and wondering why Im having such a time shaking it.

Deeno I think this maybe the first time I've seen you post a long reply about how you feel and are dealing with it as much as I like your always short but very to the point replys I enjoyed reading this more it shows you are hurting like we all are and for good reason ! How did we end up with these disorderd people why us ?

[Deeno02]

I'm OK, shes still trying to get to me but I am getting stronger!  I love her but wont settle for less than I deserve,  I learned through this process that this is not infatuation for me so if its love for me than its only healthy love if its reciprocated!

Codependancy I think can make you ignore reciprocation.  

Targeted , I think you hit the nail on the head and bang on dead centre with this .

Overnight I went from wanting to contact her to now wanting to push her away even more . I've posted today about a smear campaign she TRIED to start but has backfired on her big time . I've now realized that what she has tried to lie about me as a person she is very toxic ! And am glad her ex best freinds that hardly know me could see the truth and have now turned on her ! I do deserve so much better and more from a partner and life in general .

Im/was totally codependant. Not sure if it made me ignore reciprocation or not. I guess it was just beat out of me to where I didnt expect it anymore. Guess it was indoctrination at its finest as I slowly was divested of reciprication by her. Oh, she would come over with a new shirt or something when all I wanted was just someone to listen to me, be there for me like I was for her and as I was devalued, I was pushed further away to where I wasnt wanted or allowed to be involved in her schedule or allowed to do things for her. Still hurts so freaking bad how all I wanted was to be a part of her and her kids life, and for a little while I was, but somehow it all changed and I dont know why it started getting weird. 4 months and Im doing ok, not great, just ok. Thinking of how I was not wanted or needed and all I was to her was someone to fill the space her husband left. It hurts so very much as I was all in. Im not a boy scout, not perfect in the r/s, but when a r/s starts becoming one sided, and you see it, something is wrong. I know that now. I just have to move past the pain from someone who treated me badly and wondering why Im having such a time shaking it.

Deeno I think this maybe the first time I've seen you post a long reply about how you feel and are dealing with it as much as I like your always short but very to the point replys I enjoyed reading this more it shows you are hurting like we all are and for good reason ! How did we end up with these disorderd people why us ?

I think it was a trauma bond for me. I was a year and a 1/2 post divorce, she was separated soon to be divorced, kind of knew her off and on and our sons are friends. Planets lined up for this train wreck. I am moving forward but sometimes the intense feelings of hurt come through and I babble alot more. Today is one of those days where I dont feel like I even deserve to ever be in a r/s again. Driving to work feeling like ___ and with tears because of her and I dont know why. I have never experienced this before, the love bombing, the devaluing, the splitting, turned black, the hurtful words towards me and my kids, putting her words into MY head so tha Im thinking Im the one who is fu*ked up (I am a little)and I dont have a god damn clue what I did. I have many thoughts on it, but nothing I can but my finger on except she was embarassed of me and I was just useful to her to get her confidence back after her husband bailed. Somehow this got turned around to being all me and my fault. I guess I'll never know. Hard part is, and my main problem, is being alone. I hate it. But thats what could/does get me into trouble. I cant survive another like her.

[Splitblack4good]

I'm OK, shes still trying to get to me but I am getting stronger!  I love her but wont settle for less than I deserve,  I learned through this process that this is not infatuation for me so if its love for me than its only healthy love if its reciprocated!

Codependancy I think can make you ignore reciprocation.  

Targeted , I think you hit the nail on the head and bang on dead centre with this .

Overnight I went from wanting to contact her to now wanting to push her away even more . I've posted today about a smear campaign she TRIED to start but has backfired on her big time . I've now realized that what she has tried to lie about me as a person she is very toxic ! And am glad her ex best freinds that hardly know me could see the truth and have now turned on her ! I do deserve so much better and more from a partner and life in general .

Im/was totally codependant. Not sure if it made me ignore reciprocation or not. I guess it was just beat out of me to where I didnt expect it anymore. Guess it was indoctrination at its finest as I slowly was divested of reciprication by her. Oh, she would come over with a new shirt or something when all I wanted was just someone to listen to me, be there for me like I was for her and as I was devalued, I was pushed further away to where I wasnt wanted or allowed to be involved in her schedule or allowed to do things for her. Still hurts so freaking bad how all I wanted was to be a part of her and her kids life, and for a little while I was, but somehow it all changed and I dont know why it started getting weird. 4 months and Im doing ok, not great, just ok. Thinking of how I was not wanted or needed and all I was to her was someone to fill the space her husband left. It hurts so very much as I was all in. Im not a boy scout, not perfect in the r/s, but when a r/s starts becoming one sided, and you see it, something is wrong. I know that now. I just have to move past the pain from someone who treated me badly and wondering why Im having such a time shaking it.

Deeno I think this maybe the first time I've seen you post a long reply about how you feel and are dealing with it as much as I like your always short but very to the point replys I enjoyed reading this more it shows you are hurting like we all are and for good reason ! How did we end up with these disorderd people why us ?

I think it was a trauma bond for me. I was a year and a 1/2 post divorce, she was separated soon to be divorced, kind of knew her off and on and our sons are friends. Planets lined up for this train wreck. I am moving forward but sometimes the intense feelings of hurt come through and I babble alot more. Today is one of those days where I dont feel like I even deserve to ever be in a r/s again. Driving to work feeling like ___ and with tears because of her and I dont know why. I have never experienced this before, the love bombing, the devaluing, the splitting, turned black, the hurtful words towards me and my kids, putting her words into MY head so tha Im thinking Im the one who is fu*ked up (I am a little)and I dont have a god damn clue what I did. I have many thoughts on it, but nothing I can but my finger on except she was embarassed of me and I was just useful to her to get her confidence back after her husband bailed. Somehow this got turned around to being all me and my fault. I guess I'll never know. Hard part is, and my main problem, is being alone. I hate it. But thats what could/does get me into trouble. I cant survive another like her.

You just explained how I feel to the finest detail ! We will all heal eventually but I know what you mean it just makes you feel crap a feeling like no other !