Day 14 NC and yet another simple email

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I posted yesterday on day 13 that a simple email came in from her asking-  can we say our goodbyes before Christmas, can we have proper closure.

I never responded to her,  now today I got another simple email that says-  I also have some hand me down clothes for your son.

I really do wish I could fix this woman and keep her, I wish I could just throw her in the car and take her to the hospital and everything would be okay, I understand that she has suffered in her life as well and I would like to take that all away for her, I guess that is part of my codependent traits that need a little work, she was very special to me and I still have feelings for her but I realise I have to let those feelings go, I would have worked on anything with her, I would have taken on her anxiety issues as well as cluster B issues, I would have worked together with her to learn my part and defeat all of this, I would have committed together with her in tackling these problems and I think that is A noble quality, I think my codependent traits helped me to believe I could do it myself, and that is not reality.  You cannot fix somebody else's problem, She is responsible for fixing herself, we can only help a little if they decide to, I think that's reality now.  So unfortunately for her here is another short email that still deserves no response.   STAYING NC.  It is getting easier to resist the temptation to reply, The desire is much less, but it is being replaced with a feeling of being a quitter and quitting on somebody I care about, it is not a good feeling for me but I would rather deal with that than a woman with a PD that does not want to get help and do the work on herself.

[Targeted]

I posted yesterday on day 13 that a simple email came in from her asking-  can we say our goodbyes before Christmas, can we have proper closure.

I never responded to her,  now today I got another simple email that says-  I also have some hand me down clothes for your son.

I really do wish I could fix this woman and keep her, I wish I could just throw her in the car and take her to the hospital and everything would be okay, I understand that she has suffered in her life as well and I would like to take that all away for her, I guess that is part of my codependent traits that need a little work, she was very special to me and I still have feelings for her but I realise I have to let those feelings go, I would have worked on anything with her, I would have taken on her anxiety issues as well as cluster B issues, I would have worked together with her to learn my part and defeat all of this, I would have committed together with her in tackling these problems and I think that is A noble quality, I think my codependent traits helped me to believe I could do it myself, and that is not reality.  You cannot fix somebody else's problem, She is responsible for fixing herself, we can only help a little if they decide to, I think that's reality now.  So unfortunately for her here is another short email that still deserves no response.   STAYING NC.  It is getting easier to resist the temptation to reply, The desire is much less, but it is being replaced with a feeling of being a quitter and quitting on somebody I care about, it is not a good feeling for me but I would rather deal with that than a woman with a PD that does not want to get help and do the work on herself.

[Mutt]

Hi Targeted,

I understand. I'm not a quitter either. I thought about this long and hard. In my case my ex is 32. I can't tell if she flew under the radar with her family. I have heard stories of her acting out in her teens and I believe this is where BPD traits were coming out.

Her mom is an enabler. Her dad is more the type that either doesn't understand or he buries his head in the sand. Her sister is self -centered and selfish. All 3 gave me the impression that their needs come first. Another possibility, they're scared of her.

They look the other way. I recall the first Christmas she raged in front of her parents and it was directed at me. She devaluated me in front of family. I understand I'm not saying positive things about her family. I actually liked her dad. He's the one I miss most from my ex in-laws. A sort of surrogate father and he was going through his own things with my exe's mom. I believe exMIL has some BPD traits. Anyways all have split me black.

She's had several long term friends in her life. Some she splits white and black on and off. Some friends she's completely split black. The stories my ex tells her friends are really out there. Dramatic stuff yet they're still friends.

Water seeks it's own level.

I made the conscious decision that I will not be an enabler anymore. I remove myself from her dysfunctional support network. I'm one less person that enables the behaviors. Perhaps one day, she will have been removed from her enablers and there may be a chance for her to hit "rock bottom" and she may then seek professional help. She is the mother of my children. Only then would I consider to call her friend. For now I have my boundaries to keep the good stuff in and the bad stuff out.

I still care. It's tough love. I don't want her as a girlfriend or wife. There's a woman out there that will appreciate me and I will appreciate her. We had our time together and that journey has ended. She has her journey. I have a new journey now 

[Targeted]

Thanks Mutt,

Everything in hindsight keeps coming together to prove my suspicion is correct that there are serious cluster B issues at work here, I remember her telling me at one point that she has been to a psychiatrist before and she is fine but just has anxiety, I think the fact that she was brought to a psychiatrist before is a huge red flag of itself, and the way they deny and lie it is no wonder she only received A diagnosis she could use for sympathy and excuses, I do not believe I ever mentioned anything about her family here but seeing as how you brought up family I will tell you what I know about this case, my ex has told me for a long time that her mother has hated her since birth, she also told me that on more than one occasion her mother has asked her if she remembers what happened when she was three,  my ex does not remember anything happening at three! My ex also told me that she knows her father loves her very much by because her mother has hated her since birth her father was not allowed to show it or have interaction with her,  my ex Also says how much she loves and respects her father for sticking by his wife no matter what.  I have met the parents only a few times stopping by their house with her for things like a birthday or just to say hi because we are in the area, these visits would generally be only about 15 minutes to say hello or drop off a gift, during these visits you could clearly see the discomfort and uneasiness between the three of them, The mother would walk around pretending to be busy doing something to keep distance and never had a nice word to say, her father would always be sitting in a chair and his posture shows that of a man who is beaten down and I also noticed when they were speaking he would never make eye contact with his daughter, always clearly looking in another direction. The only one time I remember him looking at her was during a disagreement when he got heated and raised his voice to her, this was also the only time I ever saw her mother perk up and straighten up her back and produce a big smile.  She says she loves and respects her father for sticking by his wife?  I say shame on the both of them for helping to destroy a beautiful woman right from birth! I guess this kind of explains her attachment style and I wish there was something I could do to change that,  The truth is I could not even get her to see something may need to be changed.  what I witnessed that day confirmed to me that the facts she gave me have merit,  my ex is a little over 50 years old therefore this has been ingrained in her for a very long time, knowing her as deeply as I do is why I have so much sympathy for her, it is why I feel I could help, and it is also why I feel like a quitter quitting on somebody who needs to be loved so much that you actually love.  At least I recognise what my feelings are and why I feel that way based on facts, sadly she does not.

Thank You for your reply,

[Mutt]

It sounds like her family has skeletons in their closet. Unfortunately we don't get to pick and choose our parents. I radically accepted this.

It's difficult when you can see the bigger picture for a loved one and they may have a narrow field of view.

My love is not about the disorder, nor can my love fix or cure it.

BPD is incredibly complex for a person. It's not a puzzle I can solve. Mental illness is difficult, painful to watch someone afflicted with it and the damage can be collateral unwittingly with a person with BPD.

This is from my personal beliefs. Every member is different with different beliefs. I thought long and sometimes situations and problems only have 1 answer. I prayed to god to watch over her and help because I need to care for myself for me and the kids.

Our kids need dad to help them cope and raise them with less dysfunction. To tend to their emotional needs as I know from this board how it can impact our lives (FOO) I hope to give them a better chance with their future, a nicer landscape. If dad got caught up with mom and was emotionally attached in conflict everyone suffers. The my need attention, my love and not her.

I let her go.

I let go. Let god.

Perhaps one day she may get help. Perhaps not. It's not my journey. It is hers.

I'm sorry to hear about her FOO.

[Lucky Jim]

I still care. It's tough love. I don't want her as a girlfriend or wife. There's a woman out there that will appreciate me and I will appreciate her. We had our time together and that journey has ended. She has her journey. I have a new journey now

Like what you're saying there, Mutt.  My path diverged from that of my BPDxW.  It's OK to be on separate journeys now.

LuckyJim

[Mutt]

You are a problem solver Lucky Jim. The math does not add up when we decrease someone's chances for getting help for themselves. I think the odds increase when we remove ourselves. That's simply my way of increasing the odds because I care. It is not to say she is going to find new enablers. I'm removed from perpetuating a complex problem.

[Targeted]

Mutt, that is a nice way to look at letting go, but it still hurts to do so. I also know that's what I have to do, I do have the heart to put into doing my part in her therapy if she would but she is not doing that, she wants yet another replacement instead of help. And at this point With everything that has happened even if she came crying back and telling me she loves me and wants to get help I do not know whether or not I would be able to tell if it was manipulation or sincerity,  I guess it's just one day at a time.  If I felt sincerity from her that she would commit to therapy I would probably entertain that, I just cannot accept anything less because it is too damaging to me and my children and that's why I am remaining in no contact.  If she really did love me if that is even possible for her I feel as though therapy is the least she could do for me to show it and finally reciprocate.

[Mutt]

I do not know whether or not I would be able to tell if it was manipulation or sincerity

Actions speak louder than words. Her actions from my perspective dictate she's running from problems (replacement) and is looking for a caretaker? Tune out the words. Watch her actions. The truth lies there.

[Targeted]

She absolutely is running from problems and looking for a caretaker, she seems to have a distorted vision of relationships years ago being that the man went to work and provided and the woman stayed home as they portrayed in the 1950s. But she still has no idea what the woman's role is in a relationship to reciprocate if that were even possible because I know every time I got there I had to take care of the animals and do the cooking and do the dishes and everything else that is involved in daily life to make the day happen. Even though she works as well, if she got to the house before me non-of this was still done, I only wants had one dinner cooked for me. And even while she was laid off and home all day nothing changed.

Looking for a caretaker? Absolutely yes, not just emotional but all around.

Thank you so much for your replies, I appreciate them everyone.

[evilpepsi]

Watch out for pwBPD that use it as a crutch. I caught mine doing that in the past.

Here's a question for you. How can you save her if you can't even save yourself?

You know how that "goodbye" will go. She will pour on the manipulation. You'll hurt more and she will have fed the beast again... .

[Targeted]

Evilpepsi, I don't know where you got the name but I love it,  that is exactly why I am not meeting her for the goodbye, I am coming out of the fog and will no longer be manipulated, I know she is not done yet but I am.  No therapy no me!  My T even suggests that she should show me progress in therapy before I consider helping,  manipulation over!

Thank you for all your posts.