So tired of walking on eggshells

[dunermom]

Hi there,

My 16-year-old daughter was diagnosed with depression a few years ago and then with BPD nearly two years ago; so many of her issues are a result of her father leaving our family (myself and our two girls) six years ago. She plays a good game, but she's still so very angry with him... .and she misses him and feels an extreme amount of guilt for loving/hating him at the same time. She's got understandable abandonment issues and social anxiety to add on to everything else. She's also gay, but that's been a bit easier for her to deal with as she's loud and proud and we support her completely. Sometimes her attitude about being a lesbian surprises me only in that she has such an incredible lack of self-esteem, so it always catches me off-guard when she's openly confident about anything, especially something so personal. but I'm glad she has one thing in her life that makes her proud of who she is, because otherwise, she's a walking mess, and it affects our family so deeply.

A few details about H: she's incredibly smart and naturally musically inclined; I thank God everyday she plays the guitar and uses it as a form of therapy. She's very hard on herself and is terrible at coping with pressure, stress, and "expectations" she or anyone else places upon her. She's cut more times than I can count, and she's been hospitalized three times now, the last being in the psychiatric unit for a couple of days. She's been followed by our provincial mental health program (a therapist) for at least three years now, and the therapist was using DBT with her, but unfortunately for us, the therapist has gone on a one-year maternity leave and in order for H to go to another therapist, she's have to go through all the different screening processes again. She's also followed by a psychiatrist, but he doesn't have a particularly good bed-side manner and gives her a hard time about her weight (which has mostly been medicine-induced). She's on two different pills that she takes in the morning, and just recently, she's been switched from Respiridon to Latuda, which has made a noticeable positive change in her behaviour.

So many times, H seems "normal" which is an awful term to use, but I don't know how else to phrase it. She appears well-adjusted and almost happy. She laughs and spends quality time with us, she talks, she sings, she bakes... .but she still spends way too much time by herself, and I can't help but think her best friend shouldn't be her mom - not at 16. She has a few good friends - very loyal friends - who care deeply about her, and her family, including my husband and her extended family on my side, are all wild about her and we support her without reservation. But still... .she falters so much... .it's like one step forward and five steps back. She's come SO far since the beginning, but sometimes I can't see an end in sight for when this might ever be better.

Because H is loyal and loving, but very very lonely, she's almost become addicted to being in a relationship, and it doesn't seem to matter what kind of person it's with. She craves attention and affection and there's one girls who's been in her life for over a year now who is so incredibly messed up in her own right, and the two of them together is one toxic mess... .but H won't accept any of that. It's very much a mentally abusive relationship on behalf of the other girl, and she manipulates my daughter and plays her like a fine-tuned fiddle. She drops her when she wants someone else, and comes back when she's bored. She says the cruelest things to her and plays with her heart and emotions. Two of H's hospitalizations have come after a break-up with this girl. I've begged the girl to leave H alone, but she won't. And my daughter seems unable to say no to this girl. She turns into a different kid when this girl is in her life: she's mean and hostile and rude and disrespectful, and she's intentional in it. She's willing to throw away all her family & friends - her total support system - for this awful person. And there's not a thing I can do about it. I feel held hostage; I feel like anything I might do may result in H's self-harm or overdosing (which she's threatened in the past). She swears things will "be different this time" - she literally sounds like an abused wife. She says she won't give her heart this time around, she won't fall in love this time, and when she's dumped (because we ALL know it's coming including my daughter), she won't hurt herself or want to kill herself. And I can't ague with her. I can't point out that she's totally wrong and that her step-dad and I know that's EXACTLY what will happen in the not too distant future. Because she knows better; she knows all, and could we please just "TRUST" her decision! I've tried telling her that when she makes poor decisions like this one, I can't trust her, but that just sets her off and she lashes out and tells me that if she ends up in the hospital again, it will be my fault for pressuring her.

I'm exhausted. And I need support. My husband is amazing, but we need more. We need people who understand and can give us feedback and encouragement. We need to know we're not in this alone.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[meantcorn34]

My daughter has been through similar relationships. The only control I had over the situation is to decide the so called friend was not permitted in our home . I told my daughter that she could choose to subject herself to the other girls abuse, but I was not obligated to witness it or condone it by allowing it to go on under my nose.

While I have no direct evidence that my edict contributed to the demise of the relationships, they did sputter out after a few months. I think that regardless of dd's arguments to the contrary, she did appreciate me standing up for her when she was unable to herself. Don't allow her to argue. She can decide to subject herself to that abuse outside of your home, but inside you rule.

It worked for us. Hope this helps.

[pessim-optimist]

Hello dunermom!



It sounds like you have a troubled but sweet daughter on your hands. I understand her being so torn over the loss of her father - it is hard even for a healthy child to process those opposing feelings of love and anger... .

I want to say - you have definitely found the right place! Members here do understand just what you are going through, and we are here to support each other on our respective journeys. And there are lots of resources on the site also. A good place to start is the right-hand panel ---> when you feel like exploring. We also have a Learning Center with Workshops, Articles and Book Reviews.

This board with its threads is the place for us parents to meet and share and look for answers. Please make yourself at home here.

I think meantcorn34 has a good point about not being able to control who your daughter (dd) will choose to befriend, but your ability to limit that exposure by not allowing them in your house. Also, when your dd is behaving abusively toward you, you don;t have to let her do that. There are ways to protect yourself from that (but that's for another day, there is a lot to learn and information to absorb).

I want to leave you with the thought that yes, it is very difficult, and there is also hope. We understand and we are here to hold your hand so to speak along the journey.

[dunermom]

Thank you both so much for the support and the advice!

I'm definitely going to point out to her that I don't have to watch the abuse happen under my roof. Fortunately, the two of them go to different high schools, and they live quite a distance from one another, so they haven't seen each other in person in quite some time; most of their "relationship" plays out online. I've told my daughter that I will not drive her to see this girl and she is most definitely never allowed in our house. As well, as part of our "home plan" (which was created when she was released from her last hospital stay), I'm to take her cell phone and iPod away every night at 9pm to keep her from the drama of being in constant contact with the entire world. I have to be more vigilant with this though.

I'm hoping the relationship will fizzle, but I'm scared of my daughter's reaction; the last time they ended, I found her all cut up and bleeding on the floor of my parents' bathroom during Easter dinner. My poor mom and dad were scared to death. It's difficult to watch an 85-year-old man cry because he's so worried about his grand-daughter and has no understanding of this disorder. My daughter doesn't seem to understand that her actions affect so many of us, and she isn't in this alone. But I also realize she isn't doing this on purpose and that her impulsivity is all part of her BPD. It's such an awful affliction... .I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Does it ever get easier to deal with?

[pessim-optimist]

Fortunately, the two of them go to different high schools,

... .I've told my daughter that I will not drive her to see this girl and she is most definitely never allowed in our house. As well, as part of our "home plan" (which was created when she was released from her last hospital stay), I'm to take her cell phone and iPod away every night at 9pm to keep her from the drama of being in constant contact with the entire world.

These are all really good news, dunermom. It's good that you have this plan.

I'm hoping the relationship will fizzle,

Better to fizzle that to go out with a bang, no?

That must have been really difficult for all of you to deal with the last breakup... .Do you think your parents understand better now? Are they interested in learning about the disorder and what that means for everyone?

I also realize she isn't doing this on purpose and that her impulsivity is all part of her BPD. It's such an awful affliction... .I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Does it ever get easier to deal with?

Yes, it does get easier as you learn to understand all the patterns better, you also learn to deal with the disorder. You will know when and how you can help and you will learn that there are times that you cannot do anything, and so instead of trying to do the impossible, you will wait things out in a safe place w/out beating yourself up... .

You will learn when to help and support, and when to protect yourself instead.

Another very important skill that we teach here is "taking care of yourself" - which means that you need to take care of your physical, mental and emotional needs as a first priority in order to be able to be strong and healthy - that is the only place out of which you will be able to be fully helpful to your child.

(The notorious example is the one with the oxygen mask in an airplane - if you try to help others before you put the mask on yourself first, you will soon pass out an be of no help any more. If you take care of yourself first, you can help many people)

What are the things that you and your husband do to relax and forget about all the pressure and stress?

[RockLady]

Hi,

I had very similar issues with my daughter when she was in hs.  She is 27 now and looking back don't quite know how we survived.  Once she was diagnosed at 17, I learned as much as I could about BPD.  I read books, joined support groups, took Family Connections from NEABPD, and things did get better.  I learned to detach, set boundaries and enforce them.  It was not easy.  She was desperate for friends and allowed herself to be used time and time again.  For some reason, she only connected with the dysfunctional which was torturous for us to watch.  Even when she went to college for a few years, her social radar continued to be poor.  Right now, she is very isolated but more stable because she doesn't have those dysfunctional people around her.  But she is very lonely and depressed.  She does have a boyfriend that has been wonderful for her but that's another story.

I think the point that I am trying to make is that the social aspect will be a lifelong issue for your daughter.  On the positive side, she is connected to her family and still has her close, healthy friends.  Perhaps you can provide some opportunities for continuing positive interactions with the healthy friends.  My daughter's behavior was so out of control that she lost her healthy friends from hs.  Hopefully your daughter will be more fortunate. People who have BPD have unstable perceptions of themselves and will take on personality traits of those around them. 

Hope I helped a little,

ROCK Lady