Is this what it's like to have BPD?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've posted this before and talked myself out of it, but here I am back again.

I think I have BPD, but am a more highly functioning one, or it has just gotten better as I've aged.

I always pick relationships (whether friendships or relationships) with narcissist. I'm drawn to them. In fact, it's like I crave it. When my narcissist boyfriend is with me, I want him gone. When he is gone, I long for him to be there. I get a great sense of "love" from the longing, the pain, the drama.

I'm fake. I'm whatever I need to be. I don't know how I am. I have no identity. I'm moody, impulsive, unorganized, manic, sad, etc... .I feel like a child. I feel no different than I ever have inside. I don't respond to emotions like other people. I'm passive aggressive. I'm submissive, yet the entire time I'm submitting, I know I'm gaining control by laying dormant and being an adoring fan. I must win against my Narc lover. Any I've ever left has stalked me for years, and I left with nothing but complete indifference to them.

I've never loved anyone except my grandmother, my brother, my son, and nieces and nephew. I tell people I love them, and I know they love me, but I don't have any real emotion for them. I just don't wish anything bad on them. I have empathy. I have a lot of empathy, too much. It's a burden sometimes. I feel unlovable and flawed. I feel like I don't deserve anything good.

Since childhood I've always fantasized about being a victim in romantic relationships (since about the age of 7 or 8). I've fantasized about being used sexually and otherwise... viewed as an object of great desire. Liking it, yet always plotting my grand escape. I crave to be in an abusive relationship, so I can later escape.

My therapist says I have a big brain and over analyze things and I'm just a good person who bad things have happened to. That I don't have BPD. I don't agree. I don't think I'm a horrible person, but I realize I'm manipulative to the core... .and I feel guilty for that.

I've known for months upon months that my current BF is NPD/BPD but I just lay submissive, mirroring him, and telling him how grand he is... .being fake. And it's sad but to me is more about him getting addicted to me, because I fear him abandoning me. He is back in ideal phase with me, and it's like a circle. This has been going on for almost a year and 1/2 now. Push, pull, push, pull... .When we are together, my fears dissolve and I don't want to be around him. When he's away my abandonment sets in and I feel clingy and needy. I don't provoke a lot of drama, I'm older that part of me is gone. I think he misses that in me. I sometimes plot how I can stir the pot some.

I'm very sad for him. My heart breaks for him. My heart breaks for myself since coming to this realization. People talk bad about people with PDs like they are monsters, but I sympathize for them and the people that love them too... .for it's a cycle? I hate my parents for what they have done to me, but them feel guilty for blaming them when I should be in control of my own life. 

Is this what it's like to have BPD? 

[kikimo]

I've posted this before and talked myself out of it, but here I am back again.

I think I have BPD, but am a more highly functioning one, or it has just gotten better as I've aged.

I always pick relationships (whether friendships or relationships) with narcissist. I'm drawn to them. In fact, it's like I crave it. When my narcissist boyfriend is with me, I want him gone. When he is gone, I long for him to be there. I get a great sense of "love" from the longing, the pain, the drama.

I'm fake. I'm whatever I need to be. I don't know how I am. I have no identity. I'm moody, impulsive, unorganized, manic, sad, etc... .I feel like a child. I feel no different than I ever have inside. I don't respond to emotions like other people. I'm passive aggressive. I'm submissive, yet the entire time I'm submitting, I know I'm gaining control by laying dormant and being an adoring fan. I must win against my Narc lover. Any I've ever left has stalked me for years, and I left with nothing but complete indifference to them.

I've never loved anyone except my grandmother, my brother, my son, and nieces and nephew. I tell people I love them, and I know they love me, but I don't have any real emotion for them. I just don't wish anything bad on them. I have empathy. I have a lot of empathy, too much. It's a burden sometimes. I feel unlovable and flawed. I feel like I don't deserve anything good.

Since childhood I've always fantasized about being a victim in romantic relationships (since about the age of 7 or 8). I've fantasized about being used sexually and otherwise... viewed as an object of great desire. Liking it, yet always plotting my grand escape. I crave to be in an abusive relationship, so I can later escape.

My therapist says I have a big brain and over analyze things and I'm just a good person who bad things have happened to. That I don't have BPD. I don't agree. I don't think I'm a horrible person, but I realize I'm manipulative to the core... .and I feel guilty for that.

I've known for months upon months that my current BF is NPD/BPD but I just lay submissive, mirroring him, and telling him how grand he is... .being fake. And it's sad but to me is more about him getting addicted to me, because I fear him abandoning me. He is back in ideal phase with me, and it's like a circle. This has been going on for almost a year and 1/2 now. Push, pull, push, pull... .When we are together, my fears dissolve and I don't want to be around him. When he's away my abandonment sets in and I feel clingy and needy. I don't provoke a lot of drama, I'm older that part of me is gone. I think he misses that in me. I sometimes plot how I can stir the pot some.

I'm very sad for him. My heart breaks for him. My heart breaks for myself since coming to this realization. People talk bad about people with PDs like they are monsters, but I sympathize for them and the people that love them too... .for it's a cycle? I hate my parents for what they have done to me, but them feel guilty for blaming them when I should be in control of my own life. 

Is this what it's like to have BPD? 

[Ziggiddy]

Hi kikimo

Wow it sounds like you are really going through the wringer trying to figure things out.

Obviously it takes a professional to evaluate whether or not you have BPD and it is interesting that your therapist has not given you this diagnosis.

One thing about pwBPD is that they lack empathy which you say you don't and which it is evident from other things that you don't.

Another thing is that you care a lot about other people's feelings, which again is not typical of BPD as they tend to only really consider their own feelings as most important in a lot of cases for a lot of the time.

One statement that you make which is kind of conflicting is

I've never loved anyone except my grandmother, my brother, my son, and nieces and nephew. I tell people I love them, and I know they love me, but I don't have any real emotion for them. I just don't wish anything bad on them.

Again pwBPD often have an altered idea of what love is but you say you have loved  grandmother, my brother, my son, and nieces and nephew. It sounds like the sensation you feel for them is different than the others whom you tell you love but don't feel any emotion for.

What is it that you feel for your family members whom you say you love? It may be worth defining that.

I always pick relationships (whether friendships or relationships) with narcissist. I'm drawn to them. In fact, it's like I crave it. When my narcissist boyfriend is with me, I want him gone. When he is gone, I long for him to be there. I get a great sense of "love" from the longing, the pain, the drama.

I'm fake. I'm whatever I need to be. I don't know how I am. I have no identity. I'm moody, impulsive, unorganized, manic, sad, etc... .I feel like a child. I feel no different than I ever have inside. I don't respond to emotions like other people. I'm passive aggressive. I'm submissive, yet the entire time I'm submitting, I know I'm gaining control by laying dormant and being an adoring fan. I must win against my Narc lover. Any I've ever left has stalked me for years, and I left with nothing but complete indifference to them.


Since childhood I've always fantasized about being a victim in romantic relationships (since about the age of 7 or 8). I've fantasized about being used sexually and otherwise... viewed as an object of great desire. Liking it, yet always plotting my grand escape. I crave to be in an abusive relationship, so I can later escape.

My therapist says I have a big brain and over analyze things and I'm just a good person who bad things have happened to. That I don't have BPD. I don't agree. I don't think I'm a horrible person, but I realize I'm manipulative to the core... .and I feel guilty for that.

I've known for months upon months that my current BF is NPD/BPD but I just lay submissive, mirroring him, and telling him how grand he is... .being fake. And it's sad but to me is more about him getting addicted to me, because I fear him abandoning me. He is back in ideal phase with me, and it's like a circle. This has been going on for almost a year and 1/2 now. Push, pull, push, pull... .When we are together, my fears dissolve and I don't want to be around him. When he's away my abandonment sets in and I feel clingy and needy. I don't provoke a lot of drama, I'm older that part of me is gone. I think he misses that in me. I sometimes plot how I can stir the pot some.

I'm very sad for him. My heart breaks for him. My heart breaks for myself since coming to this realization. People talk bad about people with PDs like they are monsters, but I sympathize for them and the people that love them too... .for it's a cycle? I hate my parents for what they have done to me, but them feel guilty for blaming them when I should be in control of my own life. 

Again you feel bad for your boyfriend which shows some logical emotion in there - pwBPD tend to feel bad for themselves and not other people.

Is it possible kikimo that your FOO have set up certain ways of thinking in you that you are responding to or wanting to recreate?

if you have experienced trauma then sometimes there are deep effects which continue to haunt long after. We tend to recreate what we are comfortable with so your craving an abusive r/ship and then wanting to escape may just be a desire to repeat the situation so you can solve it. it's called repetition compulsion and it is very common in kids who were emotionally or physically abused. it would also tie in with your craving to be with a narcissist. That way you can try and resolve the old problem of not being able to get what you needed from your parents which was loving consistent care.

And it would explain that you feel that what you get from them is a sensation of love. it may well be that that is what your parents taught you to define as love.

You may wish to read up on the symptoms of CPTSD because it sounds a bit more like that from some of the things you say.

You also mention that you hate your parents for what they did to you. Would you be able to explain that a bit more? What did they do to you?

[kikimo]

Thank you for your reply @Ziggiddy, I can tell you put a lot of time into. I greatly appreciate it.

I'm now in my late 30s. About 4 years ago, I hit rock bottom. I lost my job, my home, a lot of my family, my grandmother died, etc... I was slapped in the face (not literally) by my younger sitter who told me it was time to grow up, etc. She said a lot of hurtful things to me. I practically raised her. I painted her black. It isn't even about forgiveness, because I don't feel harsh towards her, just indifferent. I have no emotion towards her at all.  That is what I mean by not feeling love for people who say they love me. I find it very difficult to bond with anyone on a emotional level outside of a child. It's because I trust children with my emotions maybe? I bonded with my brother while I was a child. He also knows how to talk to me, not to slight me, etc... .He knows I have issues. He knows better than anyone what "we" went through.

Anyways, after hitting rock bottom, and spending 5 years single,  I did a lot of positives changes in my life. Before I always put myself #1. I found it difficult to talk about anyone buy myself. It wasn't because I lacked empathy, it was because I couldn't think outside my own problems and was absorbed in self pity. The best thing I did was started excepting blame for things. Before I was a victim, blamed everyone, and I never took responsibility for anything. I have grown some.

In my late teens, early 20s I was vindictive. I was an emotional basket-case. I did things that were considered crazy. I broke my hand punching walls. I hated, I threw things at people, screamed yelled. Drove insanely fast (I"m talking 90 to 100 in 55s). I drank a lot. Tried to get pregnant on purpose to entrapment men. Stole money, lied, etc... If someone slighted me, I did/said the most hurtful thing I could think of to them. I'm not that person anymore.

More on empathy - I have great empathy for people I have no emotional ties too. I have a harder time having empathy for people I've painted black. I do not wish bad things on them, but I just simply don't care one way or another. I've had a close friend for 6 years. We talk almost daily. If he stopped talking to me, I just wouldn't even care. However, if he slighted me or told me I was flawed, etc... I'd fight to win back his "love" and then dump his friendship (this is not a sexual relationship).

I plant seeds into my bfs head. Of course he does mine too. I get off on knowing that I know what he is, and he thinks I'm a stupid, innocent girl who doesn't know. It's like I lay around waiting to sting him.

When I say I hate what my parents did to me... .I don't exactly know what that is. I think I've repressed it so much or it happened before I could remember... .but I know they did something.I used to literally beat myself up as a child and burn myself thinking I was so flawed and unlovable. That type of self hate doesn't come from no where. Both of my parents have PDs. My brother I talk of is similar to me, in that he attracts relationships and wants them with controlling people. My older brother, which bullied me horribly as a child, is a narc, and my younger sister is more like him. My older brother is 2 years older than me, and I have no emotion for him what so ever.

I also have to have constant validation from someone, but unlike a narc, I don't seek supply. I get it more from creating things artistry and the feedback I receive from my work... .or comments on pieces I've published on the net, etc...

I'm just here and there with my writing, I apologize... .I'm very emotional right now.

[kikimo]

Maybe you are right on why I seek abusive relationships. Maybe I seek them, and escape as a way of getting back at my parents? Or trying to fix that situation, because I've never been able to escape them.

They still feel the need to micromanage every aspect of my life.

[kikimo]

Gee what did I tell you haha. I'm here and there... .I'll also look up CPTSD

[Ziggiddy]

I really feel for you, you know.

I can see that your emotions are disorganised and I imagine that you were never really taught what they were, what they meant nor how to manage them as a child.

Needing constant validation is a very large flea that quite a few of us suffered - partly because we were rarely if ever given valid support or genuine credit for our accomplishments.

Examples of interactions with my uBPD/NPDm:

"Mum! I got 98% on my test!"

"Well where's the other 2%?"

"Mum! I got  100% on my test!"

"That's because you get your brains from me. My side of the family is so smart" (followed by rant about my father, idealisation of her family etc)

"Mum why don't I ever have a boyfriend?"

"It's because you're so fat. Let's go on a diet together"

"That hurt my feelings, Mum"

"Ah you're so oversensitive and picky. By the time I was your age I already had 10 boys chasing me."

What did I learn? I was fat, stupid and a very poor comparison to my mother. Disorganised emotions.

So as for you not having empathy for the people you are emotionally tied to, is it because you don't feel anything or is it because it was too dangerous and you cut it off in order to survive? the fact that you CAN feel for others in whom you are not invested suggests some 'compartmentalisation."

My instincts tell me you don't think or respond or feel like a pwBPD.

Your commitment to improvement, your humility and your clear willingness to look at your own behaviour and try and understand it are not hallmarks of the disorder!

In my heart, kikimo? It feels to me like you were a badly damaged child, bullied and abused with nowhere safe to turn to and no roads that were guaranteed to grant your survival.

You did the best you could to survive what was no doubt a terrible childhood, let down again and again by those who should have cherished and loved you and left to try and work out what it all meant mostly on your own.

And you survived! What a thing! I applaud you.

You can continue to condemn yourself but I think those voices you hear are not your own at all - you learned your behaviour and your personal interaction from people who seemed to have been terrible at it. You seem to have taken on their condemnation and lost all compassion for the poor little kid you were in the process.

I really feel for that kid. that kid who needs your compassion attention love and above all your acceptance. Once you start working toward that, you will no longer need compulsively other people's validation as you will begin to find it in yourself.

PS it's really scary to write things up here and I am impressed with your honesty and courage. Don't ever be embarrassed - we all struggle with this!

Ziggiddy

[Blimblam]

Kikmo it sounds as if you are begining to face up to yourself.  That's an important step.  More important than diagnosing a pathology IMO.  A therapist might be hesitant to diagnose a pathology because it can potentially create an excuse rather than face ones behaviors and actually facing what one has got going on inside. Do you trust your therapist has your best interest in mind?

[Pingo]

So as for you not having empathy for the people you are emotionally tied to, is it because you don't feel anything or is it because it was too dangerous and you cut it off in order to survive? the fact that you CAN feel for others in whom you are not invested suggests some 'compartmentalisation."

I was thinking this as well.  Because I can relate to this.  We have to protect ourselves in order to survive.  And as we grow up we haven't learned better ways of surviving so we fall back into the same patterns. 

Good for you kikimo for being so honest.  That takes real courage.  I agree with Blim, the diagnosis is less important.  Being able to look at the mirror and be real with yourself is something my uBPDexh could never do.  And even for me it is difficult.  If it weren't for the crazy r/s with my ex and the trauma bond I had to withdraw from, I might have continued to live my life with blinders on, numbing and denying the real pain I was in.  I think you are on the right track and you have a real chance of healing.

[BorisAcusio]

I don't want to hijack the thread, I'm considering the possiblity of being vulnerable narcissist so I can relate to your journey in self-discovery.

Recently noticed that I instinctly refer to my ex girlfriend, at least in online discussions, as "mine" as if I still we still had some kind of bond that I'm in controll.

What do you think? Too much empasis on grammar from an appereantly non native speaker or a fertile ground to dig deeper?

[Blimblam]

I don't want to hijack the thread, I'm considering the possiblity of being vulnerable narcissist so I can relate to your journey in self-discovery.

Recently noticed that I instinctly refer to my ex girlfriend, at least in online discussions, as "mine" as if I still we still had some kind of bond that I'm in controll.

What do you think? Too much empasis on grammar from an appereantly non native speaker or a fertile ground to dig deeper?

If you have ever seen somone smile smugly or hold another in contempt? If, yes then they are on the continuim of narcissism.  That is to say everyone is.

[kikimo]

I have read the reponses and I appreciate them all. I'm not in a great frame of mind right now to process the information.

My bf ruined Christmas for me. He knew I was going to be alone all week (my son went out of town) and he kept giving me hints but not def indications that he was coming over... .each day he did not.

I think got to digging (as I always do when I feel something is funny) and find he has a profile on a dating website looking for "nothing serious" and his profile is all 1/2 truths. I haven't mentioned it, but sent him a text at 3 am saying "I'm upset"... I never implied at him. He immediately answered with something so stupid and how he was coming in the morning with a surprise. He never showed up. I've sent messages and he has not responded. He has a real way of doing this to me when he has a lot of days off work (as I suspect he's busy with new supply, drugs, tattoos (his new addition and supply of sorts) and drinking.

My anxiety is so bad that I just want it to end. I won't off myself, but feel the need to. I think too much of my son to carry on with it. However, I did contemplate that it would be a real way to get back at him... .write a message telling him how worthless he is and off myself... .That scares me, and I know it's a sign of BPD would it be a sign of something else? I can NOT take the silent treatment and he knows that. He punishes me with it and modifies my behavior with it. This relationship is toxic but I want to "win"... .I can't quit it.

BorisAcusio - I really don't know. I've heard that if you can't understand the movie Good Will Hunting, it's a good indicator, but I can't say that's accurate by any means. Do you have a hard time seeing outside yourself? Do you have a hard time listening to other people's problems with genuine concern?

I have been so absorb in my own issues, self pity etc... it made me temporarily narcissistic. But I feel for other people... .WAY too much that I can't feel myself. I used to burn myself just to be able to feel something inside myself.

[SlyQQ]

Good chance you are BPD and that your boyfriends aren't narccisst just your projecting and protecting yourself 

[kikimo]

Good chance you are BPD and that your boyfriends aren't

narccisst just your projecting and protecting yourself

I can see why you might say this... possibly bitter at someone with BPD? but I can definitely say without a shadow of a doubt that some of them are narcissist, current one included. And it's not uncommon for someone with BPD traits/co dependency or c - PTSD to repeatedly get involved with them. And how am I projecting or protecting myself when I'm pointing out my own flaws and what I'M doing wrong?

[SlyQQ]

Because part of this is blaming other people you are not sure you are bPD but you are sure they are NPD someone with BPD would probably not know they are good at manipulating people to do what they want or believe of them my ex BPD swore i was a sociopath ( we get along quite well now )

i have seen this sought of stuff is all

[Blimblam]

Kikimo,

Yeah people with cptsd that have issues with emotional dysregulation often tend to get with narcisists.  That said we weren't in your relationship and can't diagnose anyone.  I think it has something to do with introjecting the confidence of a Narcisist into their personality.  I know my ex was seeing some Narcisistic people after me.

[kikimo]

Because part of this is blaming other people

you are not sure you are bPD but you are sure they are NPD

someone with BPD would probably not know they are good at manipulating

people to do what they want or believe of them

my ex BPD swore i was a sociopath ( we get along quite well now )

i have seen this sought of stuff is all

I understand what you are saying. First I do not think my son's father is NPD, but has some mental problems, but he has empathy. So maybe I shouldn't have said "always" but I never felt that alive spark feeling with him either like I did the two I knew are.  I never understood that my first serious relationship (20 years ago) was with a NPD until now. I never recognized it until I became more self aware... I left that relationship with a broken hand, used his children as leverage to beg me back, was stalked and harassed for years and had to finally get a court order against him to just leave me alone. Then he still showed up at my place of business, drunk years later putting fear tactics in me. That's not even 1/2 of it... .but  I'm not blaming them. I know it's my fault for putting up with it and "wanting" the toxic relationship. I don't have enough control over myself to break the cycle. I can't stand the abuse, but I crave it too. I don't know I have BPD. I don't know what I have. If I was diagnosed, I'd have no problem saying so... .but my therapist won't tell me what's wrong with me. I do know that my current BF has been diagnosed with a PD... .it came out a few months back when he let it slip he has yearly phys evaluations due to custody things. . I don't think it's his fault he has a PD. It's all just vicious cycles of neglect and abuse... .I can say without a shadow of a doubt there is something wrong with me, but I don't know the right label. I know I have issues.

Thing is, I'm not really worried about what they are... I'm trying to figure my issues out that I am attracted to class A abusers.

[SlyQQ]

That was very insightful. I beleive you an that you are willing to try an make things better. I am guessing you are desperate. my BPD sd who i care for is upstairs now in tears because she is realizing she has a looming meth addiction to fight on top of everything else. Life is so hard for you. i understand the need to hide. my only advice is hidding doesnt help and when you are scared be brave ( possibly the hardest thing. ) scincere good wishes

[SlyQQ]

there is a movie a beautiful mind i got my SD to watch while it is not about BPD it might help to know you can live with your demons

[jhkbuzz]

Thank you for your reply @Ziggiddy, I can tell you put a lot of time into. I greatly appreciate it.

I'm now in my late 30s. About 4 years ago, I hit rock bottom. I lost my job, my home, a lot of my family, my grandmother died, etc... I was slapped in the face (not literally) by my younger sitter who told me it was time to grow up, etc. She said a lot of hurtful things to me. I practically raised her. I painted her black. It isn't even about forgiveness, because I don't feel harsh towards her, just indifferent.  I have no emotion towards her at all.  That is what I mean by not feeling love for people who say they love me. [DETACHED PROTECTOR] I find it very difficult to bond with anyone on a emotional level outside of a child. [VULNERABLE CHILD] It's because I trust children with my emotions maybe? I bonded with my brother while I was a child. He also knows how to talk to me, not to slight me, etc... .He knows I have issues. He knows better than anyone what "we" went through.

Anyways, after hitting rock bottom, and spending 5 years single,  I did a lot of positives changes in my life. Before I always put myself #1. I found it difficult to talk about anyone buy myself. It wasn't because I lacked empathy, it was because I couldn't think outside my own problems and was absorbed in self pity. The best thing I did was started excepting blame for things. Before I was a victim, blamed everyone, and I never took responsibility for anything. I have grown some.

In my late teens, early 20s I was vindictive. I was an emotional basket-case. I did things that were considered crazy. I broke my hand punching walls. I hated, I threw things at people, screamed yelled. Drove insanely fast (I"m talking 90 to 100 in 55s). I drank a lot. Tried to get pregnant on purpose to entrapment men. Stole money, lied, etc... If someone slighted me, I did/said the most hurtful thing I could think of to them. / [ANGRY/IMPULSIVE CHILD] I'm not that person anymore.



More on empathy - I have great empathy for people I have no emotional ties too. I have a harder time having empathy for people I've painted black. I do not wish bad things on them, but I just simply don't care one way or another. I've had a close friend for 6 years. We talk almost daily. If he stopped talking to me, I just wouldn't even care. [DETACHED PROTECTOR] However, if he slighted me or told me I was flawed, etc... I'd fight to win back his "love" and then dump his friendship (this is not a sexual relationship). [VULNERABLE CHILD]

I plant seeds into my bfs head. Of course he does mine too. I get off on knowing that I know what he is, and he thinks I'm a stupid, innocent girl who doesn't know. It's like I lay around waiting to sting him. [ANGRY/IMPULSIVE CHILD]

When I say I hate what my parents did to me... .I don't exactly know what that is. I think I've repressed it so much or it happened before I could remember... .but I know they did something.I used to literally beat myself up as a child and burn myself thinking I was so flawed and unlovable. That type of self hate doesn't come from no where. Both of my parents have PDs. [PUNITIVE PARENT] My brother I talk of is similar to me, in that he attracts relationships and wants them with controlling people. My older brother, which bullied me horribly as a child, is a narc, and my younger sister is more like him. My older brother is 2 years older than me, and I have no emotion for him what so ever. [DETACHED PROTECTOR]

I also have to have constant validation from someone, but unlike a narc, I don't seek supply. I get it more from creating things artistry and the feedback I receive from my work... .or comments on pieces I've published on the net, etc...

I'm just here and there with my writing, I apologize... .I'm very emotional right now.

Have you done any reading about Jeffrey Young's "schema therapy"?  Your descriptions of yourself and your states of mind sound very much like the different schema "modes" - the vulnerable child, the angry child, the detached protector and the punitive parent. ALL people have schemas, but folks with BPD tend to flip through the modes much more often, and are more likely to be in only one mode at a time.

I am not a therapist, and I'm not sure about the therapist that told you that you are not a pwBPD... .but have you seen another therapist? BPD is a disorder of emotional dysregulation. Everything you've described, including the issues with your family of origin, point in that direction.