New to the site

[Depression = 72% of members]

Good afternoon, fellow BPDer's. Found this site this morning. Great information and good to know I am not alone.

I have been married for 16 years to my wife, who I firmly believe is misdiagnosed as bipolar despite meeting all the DSM criteria. A counselor we saw together years ago and another we saw this year both believe she has BPD, but her psych is treating her for bipolar. She accepts the bipolar dx, but refuses to believe the BPD. Probably because taking meds is easier than counseling. She wants counselors who will tell her what she wants to hear, and when they don't she stops going.

The inability to let go of hurts real or perceived, from me or someone else, minor or major, yesterday or 25 years ago, is destroying her and in turn our family (two young kids, one high functioning autistic). It is not uncommon for her to suddenly break down and start crying and screaming over something I did 10 years ago which she has never brought up before and I do not remember. Or over something her high school boyfriend did to her in 1985. Or what someone else said that is somehow my fault because I should have some magic power to control others.   

She cannot get enough validation from other men, which has resulted in a few emotional affairs. As long as they will tell her what she wants to hear, she will string them along with tales of how she is going to leave her husband in a few years to be with them. Then as suddenly as it started, it stops.

The behaviors described above all started after the "event". In 2005 friend #1 told my wife that friend #2 told friend #1 I never wanted to marry my wife and did not love her. (Got that?) Friend #2 is a known compulsive liar who I was distancing myself from because, well... he is a compulsive liar. My wife to this day is hurt that I did not go confront this idiot. I explained it would just egg him on to say more things to more people and the best thing to do would be cut ties and never talk to him again (which I did). Why stomp through the dog poo and track it through the house when throwing it out makes more sense? She does not see it that way and insist that if I loved her I would have gone to confront him. I guess we will never get past this, she bring it up weekly though it happened in 2005.   

Why do I stay? Despite this, I remember and love the woman I married. Guess I am hoping that if she gets the right help, I will get her back.

[Cole]

Good afternoon, fellow BPDer's. Found this site this morning. Great information and good to know I am not alone.

I have been married for 16 years to my wife, who I firmly believe is misdiagnosed as bipolar despite meeting all the DSM criteria. A counselor we saw together years ago and another we saw this year both believe she has BPD, but her psych is treating her for bipolar. She accepts the bipolar dx, but refuses to believe the BPD. Probably because taking meds is easier than counseling. She wants counselors who will tell her what she wants to hear, and when they don't she stops going.

The inability to let go of hurts real or perceived, from me or someone else, minor or major, yesterday or 25 years ago, is destroying her and in turn our family (two young kids, one high functioning autistic). It is not uncommon for her to suddenly break down and start crying and screaming over something I did 10 years ago which she has never brought up before and I do not remember. Or over something her high school boyfriend did to her in 1985. Or what someone else said that is somehow my fault because I should have some magic power to control others.   

She cannot get enough validation from other men, which has resulted in a few emotional affairs. As long as they will tell her what she wants to hear, she will string them along with tales of how she is going to leave her husband in a few years to be with them. Then as suddenly as it started, it stops.

The behaviors described above all started after the "event". In 2005 friend #1 told my wife that friend #2 told friend #1 I never wanted to marry my wife and did not love her. (Got that?) Friend #2 is a known compulsive liar who I was distancing myself from because, well... he is a compulsive liar. My wife to this day is hurt that I did not go confront this idiot. I explained it would just egg him on to say more things to more people and the best thing to do would be cut ties and never talk to him again (which I did). Why stomp through the dog poo and track it through the house when throwing it out makes more sense? She does not see it that way and insist that if I loved her I would have gone to confront him. I guess we will never get past this, she bring it up weekly though it happened in 2005.   

Why do I stay? Despite this, I remember and love the woman I married. Guess I am hoping that if she gets the right help, I will get her back.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, Cole & 

I'm so sorry for the troubles you have been dealing with regarding your wife, and so very glad you have found us! Your situation is, of course, unique to you and your wife, but it is reminiscent of so many other stories on this site. You are in the right place for understanding, commiseration, insights and advice... .

Holding grudges (against all sorts of people, for all sorts of things, recent or past) is, unfortunately, pretty usual for someone who exhibits BPD traits... .And it really can make life difficult for those of us being "grudged" against. If it's any consolation to you, Cole, my Husband has BPD traits (due to being brought up by an undiagnosed BPD Mom), and his harboring grudges against me used to be a very regular thing, but not anymore.

At this time, since I've found this site (because of my adult son who was diagnosed with BPD in April 2013) and learned how my Husband's (and son's) mind works, and the communication tools & techniques (check out every link to the right-hand side of this page) that help me not push every one of his buttons, things have actually gotten better.

And I'd also like to tell you that now that my son has been diagnosed and treated correctly for his troubles, he really is back to the kid we all knew and loved before he hit puberty, and his undiagnosed (at the time) ADD caused him the trauma in his life that nudged him into BPD. And miraculously, my Husband has learned so much about himself by watching my son's recovery process, that he has changed his behaviors also, and is more like the man I'd thought I'd married 

[Crumbling]

 

I'm seeing the man I married, who has BPD, in glimpses, now.   He started T almost a year ago.

How I see him, and how we interact with each other has made all the difference in our lives.  RR knows her stuff, and is a great example to the rest of us.  The lessons she suggested can help a lot.

Sounds like your wife has an exceptional memory!  Have you asked her to recall some special memories you have together?  Some good times that helped bond you together, she may remember details of that you've forgotten.  I guess the point here is to remember, and remind each other, of what good looks like, what it feels like.  It's easy to forget this in the hard times.

Anyways, I just wanted to say hi, and welcome.

[Cole]

Thank you for your support Rapt Reader and Crumbling. This has been very difficult lately, as that my wife has really gone off the deep end. One day she wants to move out to start a new life on her own. The next day she wants to be super mom and talks about going back to church with the kids and me and being a better mom and wife. It is one extreme or the other. Fortunately, she knows it and is finally conceding that she needs counseling.

Yes, she has a good memory, though the particulars are always skewed. Her perception of other people's actions and reactions are off, as if she is using a German dictionary to interpret Spanish. The interpretations are always negative with her as the victim; everyone hates her, everyone is against her. Makes for horrible family get togethers because she comes away with SOMETHING to be offended by and holds onto it like a precious gem for months or years. Happy holidays... .   

[ColdEthyl]

Thank you for your support Rapt Reader and Crumbling. This has been very difficult lately, as that my wife has really gone off the deep end. One day she wants to move out to start a new life on her own. The next day she wants to be super mom and talks about going back to church with the kids and me and being a better mom and wife. It is one extreme or the other. Fortunately, she knows it and is finally conceding that she needs counseling.

Yes, she has a good memory, though the particulars are always skewed. Her perception of other people's actions and reactions are off, as if she is using a German dictionary to interpret Spanish. The interpretations are always negative with her as the victim; everyone hates her, everyone is against her. Makes for horrible family get togethers because she comes away with SOMETHING to be offended by and holds onto it like a precious gem for months or years. Happy holidays... .   

Hello Cole and welcome! Yes sadly all of these things are markers for BPD. I like you analogy, it is like they use a German dictionary to interpret Spanish! They have black/white thinking, so for them to bounce back and forth radically is not unusual. The holiday in particular are usually really hard on pwBPD and their nons. My dBPDh hasn't left the bedroom two months, and last night he remarked numerous that the sun hasn't been out twice in the passed 17 days, so I think there's an element of seasonal depression in there.

I hope you find the tools useful! When you have the time, take a gander at some of the other threads. You will see many of us go through the exact same things, and you might find some answers in there to some of your troubles. We are all here for each other!

A word of advice I try to give to the new people: It would be a bad idea to let your pwBPD know about this site. Most times, they will get angry and defensive with you and feel like it's a personal attack. This site should be for YOU to get support and learn how to communicate with your pwBPD more efficiently.

[Cole]

Thanks for the support and advise, ColdEthyl. Let her know about the site? NOO! Agree 100%!

She found my not-as-well-hidden-as-I-thought copy of "Stop Walking on Eggshells" a few weeks ago. Remember the 80's movie "The Day After"? This was much worse.       

And yes, they bounce back and forth. Last night I was the worst husband in the world. This morning I got a RARE hug and a phone call at work just to say she was thinking about me.   

[ColdEthyl]

Thanks for the support and advise, ColdEthyl. Let her know about the site? NOO! Agree 100%!

She found my not-as-well-hidden-as-I-thought copy of "Stop Walking on Eggshells" a few weeks ago. Remember the 80's movie "The Day After"? This was much worse.       

And yes, they bounce back and forth. Last night I was the worst husband in the world. This morning I got a RARE hug and a phone call at work just to say she was thinking about me.   

Haha! Yep when I first got the book and I didn't know exactly what I was dealing with yet, my dBPDh would say things like "I'm sorry I'm so complicated you need a book to deal with me", and I kept telling him it was for ME. After a few days I took it to work and just read it there on lunch. I learned after the fact from the awesome posters on this site NOT to tell them about this place

Yep Jackyl and Hyde. My husband was loving, demanding my attention and all over me Wednesday. Thursday he barely spoke to me just kept his head in his laptop reading news stories. Friday, back to wanting to talk to me again but crying about the weather and some of the stories he read, which was why he was quiet on Thursday.

He's usually better regulated than this... .but the holidays just screw him up.

[Cole]

I used to love the holidays, but after my wife started exhibiting the BPD symptoms I cannot wait for them to be over. Her mother (who shows major BPD traits) ran off the extended family when wife was a kid, making for very lonely holidays for her as an only child. Now she does the same thing to me and the kids, all the while complaining about her mom doing it. 

Sorry to see you are going through this, too, but happy to know I am not alone.

[ColdEthyl]

I used to love the holidays, but after my wife started exhibiting the BPD symptoms I cannot wait for them to be over. Her mother (who shows major BPD traits) ran off the extended family when wife was a kid, making for very lonely holidays for her as an only child. Now she does the same thing to me and the kids, all the while complaining about her mom doing it. 

Sorry to see you are going through this, too, but happy to know I am not alone.

Ahh it's been worse. A few years ago, we had to move out of the house we were renting. We got phone call from our landlord in October saying, "Hey! We sold the house you got 30 days!" Let me tell you, moving at moment's notice with no money around the holidays with a pwBPD SUCKED. Poor guy just couldn't process all that stress.

[Cole]

Ahh it's been worse. A few years ago, we had to move out of the house we were renting. We got phone call from our landlord in October saying, "Hey! We sold the house you got 30 days!" Let me tell you, moving at moment's notice with no money around the holidays with a pwBPD SUCKED. Poor guy just couldn't process all that stress.

Ouch. I hope that everything worked out for the best for you after that.

I had the opposite happen. I was laid off the week before Christmas in 2009. From six figures to no figures in a matter of minutes. At the time she had gone back to college and was not working. Our son had just been dx with bipolar (properly changed to autistic spectrum this spring). She pulled it together and was mentally healthy throughout. But when things got better, the BPD came roaring back. Go figure.