They're always the focus...

[FigureIt]

Yesterday when I got home from work I had a headache and laid down on the couch.  At around 6:00 I made some dinner.  When I was done at 7:00 my uBPDbf had fallen asleep in his chair watching TV in the other room.  I stayed in the livingroom to keep the dogs from waking him and just watched some TV.  He awoke around 9ish but didn't come talk to me or say anything, ate something and then sat in his room till 10ish.  Then he went up to bed. 

When he went up at 10, I said "oh, your going up... ."  So, I shut down the tv and went up and went to bed and watched the tv upstairs. 

He then said to me... ."What is the matter with you today?"  WHAT?   I just answered with I had a headache when I got home and when I was gonna come sit in your room you had fallen asleep, so I kept the dogs in the other room. 

He is over analyzing interpreting nothing into something. 

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[maxsterling]

Oh, I've been there!  Sometimes I am feeling down or tired, and just want some peace and quiet.  Yet when she notices I am less active, she asks me what is wrong in an accusatory tone.  And when I tell her what is wrong, she gives that quick heavy breath indicating her disappointment, and then some kind of advice on how I should fix it.

"What's wrong? You look out of it."

"I've just got a lot on my mind and have a bit of a headache."

"pffthuhhhh.  Why don't you go take some advil?"

[Cat Familiar]

"What is the matter with you today?"  WHAT?... .He is over analyzing interpreting nothing into something. 

Yes, I understand this. My H feels free to express all his negativity, yet if I'm not feeling 100% and he's aware of it, then it's almost like I'm doing something aggressive to him. To me it translates into that he can behave however he wants, while I'm supposed to be consistently happy and healthy and not needing anything from him.

[FigureIt]

"What is the matter with you today?"  WHAT?... .He is over analyzing interpreting nothing into something. 

Yes, I understand this. My H feels free to express all his negativity, yet if I'm not feeling 100% and he's aware of it, then it's almost like I'm doing something aggressive to him. To me it translates into that he can behave however he wants, while I'm supposed to be consistently happy and healthy and not needing anything from him.

I totally feel that sense of "disappointment" like I'm in some way affecting him.  I don't even ask or need anything from him, I'm just dealing with it on my own.  But to him that is SOO NOT ENOUGH!

Another example from today... .I said after work I was going to try finish xmas shopping (since I don't have my d9 tonight and can get some santa gifts)  He says "FINE" in that questioning accussatory tone.  Again I'm not asking for money or anything from him.  I realize you just need to ignore it, but it can be so trying/exhausting sometimes.

[ColdEthyl]

*nods* Same here.

[waverider]

Couple of factors to consider

~Fear that whatever is wrong is in someway a criticism or blamed on them. Hence the interegation to find out whats wrong then if its about them its importan, if its not thats a relief and its dismissed.

~Black or white thinking, you can't be a little bit jaded... You must be seriously angry and are just hiding it.

This way a little jaded with your day may mean you are seriously angry with them... .this triggers defensive response... this is seriously important to them, but when they realize it has nothing to do with them they feel relief and think you are over reacting (projection as that reaction was theirs) and so are then dismissive believing you are making a big fuss about nothing.

[ColdEthyl]

"What is the matter with you today?"  WHAT?... .He is over analyzing interpreting nothing into something. 

Yes, I understand this. My H feels free to express all his negativity, yet if I'm not feeling 100% and he's aware of it, then it's almost like I'm doing something aggressive to him. To me it translates into that he can behave however he wants, while I'm supposed to be consistently happy and healthy and not needing anything from him.

That's how I was taking it at first, too. I used to get frustrated and angry. Now, I just find another outlet to talk about what's bothering me. I've had to practice coming home and not having any looks of being tired, upset or anything on my face.

My my dBPDh says is that He's waiting for me all day to come home. I have other people to talk to all day and he has no one. So when I finally get home, he's excited to see me, and when I come in upset it severely affects him.

Waverider, as usual, breaks it all down into a perfectly compact and fully understandable format. 

[maxsterling]

"What is the matter with you today?"  WHAT?... .He is over analyzing interpreting nothing into something. 

Yes, I understand this. My H feels free to express all his negativity, yet if I'm not feeling 100% and he's aware of it, then it's almost like I'm doing something aggressive to him. To me it translates into that he can behave however he wants, while I'm supposed to be consistently happy and healthy and not needing anything from him.

That's how I was taking it at first, too. I used to get frustrated and angry. Now, I just find another outlet to talk about what's bothering me. I've had to practice coming home and not having any looks of being tired, upset or anything on my face.

My my dBPDh says is that He's waiting for me all day to come home. I have other people to talk to all day and he has no one. So when I finally get home, he's excited to see me, and when I come in upset it severely affects him.

Waverider, as usual, breaks it all down into a perfectly compact and fully understandable format. 

Same thing here.  It was different when she was working, but now that she isn't working I think she sits at home, bored, lonely, stewing in her head, working herself up.  Her "relief" is the minute I come home, to rescue her.  And if there is anything amiss - me being tired, in a bad mood, or having other things to do besides relieve her of her anguish, I then become the cause of her pain, and she's mad at me.  The crux of the issue here is her inability to validate, soothe, or entertain herself. 

[FigureIt]

I try not to let it affect me.  I just answer matter of fact.  I do have my mother & sister who are great outlets to talk to etc.  And I've been working on disengaging myself when he disregulates and/or projects, etc.

So, I did the xmas shopping last night.  Now I shop for everyone except myself, which he does one day, usually one store.  I went right after work and got home after 8:30pm.  He was a bit short with me and withdrawn, when I kissed him hello I got his cheek.  So I asked some general questions, like when did you get home?, what did you do? nothing accusatory (but I could smell alcohol on him), etc.  Found out he got home shortly before me.  When I asked if he worked late he first said yes.  Then I asked if he went out drinking, he said yes.  It took me a few more questions to finally get the FULL or WHOLE truth of he went to the company Xmas party.  Which he NEVER previously told me about and didn't tell me until the questions got there.

Now, if I was to do as he did like go to my company xmas party or out drinking and didn't tell him in advance or while there, he would be all upset, accuse me of hiding something etc.  Why is it okay for them?  How do you address the inequity?

In the past I have gone skiing or out to eat with my D9 and been back hours before him, when he's been out all day.  He has tried to blame me that I didn't tell him in advance... .BUT he does the exact same thing... .over and over.

i just then disengaged, dropped asking or talking about his day and ate something & watched TV.  When he fell asleep cuz of drinking, I went to bed.