If you are with an a sexual partner...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Good article providing interesting points of validation.  Would like to see more.  It raised a question in me and it may seem odd but this made me think of it: If you are with an asexual partner, is this partner typically asexual in all relationships before and after?

[Hawk Ridge]

Good article providing interesting points of validation.  Would like to see more.  It raised a question in me and it may seem odd but this made me think of it: If you are with an asexual partner, is this partner typically asexual in all relationships before and after?

[Elpis]

I read this very academic article the best I could, knowing that someone with more knowledge and academic experience would probably get much more out of the article.

I did find it really interesting, especially as someone who was married for 38 years to a uBPDh. The concept of looking at the relationship with their partners seems incredibly sound as a way to understand and perhaps prevent the issues someone suffering with BPD would face in romantic relationships. I know this was primarily about women with BPD, but in the case of men with BPD there would have to be a great many similarities.

My coping/surviving "skills" came from a childhood of living with a likely narcissistic mother and doing the dance to try to keep her happy, making me the perfect codependent/enabling spouse for someone with BPD. Unfortunately, the marriage was always difficult and I just didn't see it for what it was, so neither of us worked on our issues early enough to save things and perhaps have a better outcome. So by putting up with my uBPDh's rages etc. I merely taught him that it was okay to treat me that way--until I couldn't mentally/emotionally take it anymore and left.

I guess all of this help for the relationship really depends on an earlier detection of the problems, which we didn't manage to do. But the concept of looking at the couple-ships of pwBPD seems very sound indeed!

[fred6]

If you are with an asexual partner, is this partner typically asexual in all relationships before and after?

That is an interesting question. My ex said many times that "sex means nothing to me" and "I would go the rest of my life without sex and it wouldn't bother me". And that's how she acted, never initiated sex, detached and non involved during sex, and plenty of "not tonight baby" on a consistent basis.

However, that didn't stop her from cheating on me with new supply. Also, having a baby with a married guy and needing a DNA test because she was screwing someone else at the same time. Plus all the assorted sex stories with her ex's that she told me about. Not to mention her famous quote, "I know the bible says sex before marriage is wrong, but if I want sex I just go to the bar and get sex".

So while she seemed asexual during our 3 years together. Her actions prior to and after our relationship certainly don't show it. Instead of "sex means nothing to me". Maybe she really meant, "sex with you means nothing to me". Very confusing and makes no sense to me whatsoever.

[hergestridge]

Isn't it common knowledge that the lack of sex in a BPD rs is down to devaluation and witholding sex. What is the link between asexuality and BPD? (Apart for the bs they feed when you ask)

[Elpis]

Well--I see this question got split off from an article about looking at BPD relationships to learn possible pitfalls with women suffering with BPD, so my response makes little sense here!

[Panther123]

She was highly sexual in the beginning.  Wanted no sex later on.

[antelope]

for a woman, sex is the easiest form of manipulation on a man... .they secured you with sex, they keep other guys (and girls) on the hook with occasional, random flings, and they know that they can ruse another hapless soul the same way... .

sex is also the ultimate form of attention... .they put on a performance for you, knowing it will drive you wild, and keep all of your focus on them... .

since many many BPDs have sexual trauma in their past, they probably do abhor the act, or completely dissociate while its happening... .

everything out of their mouth is at least 50% a lie, so what makes you think they're actually even climaxing during sex with us?

once you've been thru the initial torrent of sex, and the relationship actually becomes more about getting to know one another, the BPD loses a major weapon in their arsenal in keeping you hoodwinked... .

a big indicator for me was kissing... .kissing, a highly intimate act esp between a couple 'in love', virtually disappeared from my relationship waaay sooner than sex... . 

[Elpis]

From a woman's point of view, a guy with BPD can be just as manipulative as a woman with sex. When he wanted to be intimate, okay then! But withholding intimacy was part of my uBPDh's arsenal too, whether or not he was aware he was using it against me.

[BlueSunshine]

If you are with an asexual partner, is this partner typically asexual in all relationships before and after?

Generally a truly asexual partner is pretty consistently asexual. *raises hand* I should know. Now I don't have BPD myself, so I cannot add anything personal there onto it, but I can share some general asexual things.

When I was a late teen, and my friends were chasing after others, I had zero interest in sex with anyone. I eventually had sex because I thought it was something I was supposed to do in a relationship. It only left me feeling more abnormal. It was very forced and awkward. It had nothing to do with feeling ashamed or not knowing my body, I just simply found it to be completely unpalatable. 

I never even heard the term 'asexual' for many years and once I did, well... .I was so relieved. I certainly felt a little less like a freak. I cannot even try to give you a real number of how many times people refused to believe that I simply do not like sex. You'd think I said I didn't enjoy breathing. 

I have had romantic relationships without sex. I have had sex with people I cared for to please them despite not wanting to. Just because I don't want to have sex though doesn't mean I devalue it. I mean, I wasn't going about having sex with everyone I dated, just to make sure ** however it's about as physically appealing as washing my hair. I don't think it is gross just ... .uninteresting.

I can absolutely find someone attractive but that doesn't mean I want to engage in sex with them. I rarely think about sex. Most of the time I don't desire it. Sex doesn't make me feel closer to someone or more loved. I have at times found it physically and emotionally painful when I have willingly had sex for the pleasure of my partner, ignoring my own lack of desire. I have even cried, which was just so awful, during sex, because I'd convince myself I would do it for my partner and then half way in, felt like I was somehow abusing myself. That I tricked myself into doing it and by doing so I devalued myself. Like force feeding. 

With my BPD partner, amusingly enough, I found myself sexually attracted to him and enjoyed sex with him. In the beginning it opened a whole new world to me. I liked liking sex with him. I didn't question the surprising change, I just happily went with it.

I very openly told him that I enjoyed sex with him, though before with others I didn't. Of course it was a huge ego boost to his raging high sex drive and BPD. I would go through times where I would become disinterested yet still had sex, for him. I would rarely decline having sex with him because I somehow lived for years with the (insane) idea that to do so was selfish of me. (I know, I know. I've learned. I swear.)

Unfortunately my sexual interest in him did a lot of damage to me because he took total advantage of my willingness. Often he went through prolonged periods of time where he would deny all affection and attention, but would have sex with me in the blink of an eye. Of course you can probably already guess that out of utter desperation I gave into sex despite his horrid treatment towards me because I was in such mental torment from being neglected and ignored. I tried all kind of tactics to get him to "love me again" until I realized it wasn't going to make any difference. With him it was sex or nothing, so I took the sex even though I really didn't want to. It's awful but it taught me a lot about myself. I don't plan on doing that again for anyone.

The only times he has not wanted to have sex with me was if he was just cheating on me, and I do mean just.  However I do think for how much I lack a sexual appetite, he has an abnormally high one. I'm surprised he hasn't tried pursuing a career in porn. Then again maybe he has and I just don't know about it **

Someone above mentioned their partner said they could go without ever having sex again... .I have always felt like that. It doesn't engage me, it doesn't spark me, or ignite me. Mental stimulation does. Sex... .I could care less.

However I do crave to be held and touched. I always wanted to have someone take my hand and walk with me, or cuddle up and hold me. I never had a relationship like that and maybe I never will. Maybe I had my happiness. For a while I was very happy. Of course knowing what I now know, about the manipulation and lies, really spoils it. Yet for a brief flicker I loved and believed I was loved, and felt like I was on top of the world. Despite what it became no one can take that away from me.

[Infern0]

Bpd withold sex as a means of control and also it happens during devaluation.

My ex never actually did this to me however she does it to my replacement,  she showed me a text he'd sent her complaining that they didn't have sex anymore, and she blamed  "medical reasons" but it didn't stop her from having sex with me behind his back.

It's all mind games and manipulation

[Infern0]

From a woman's point of view, a guy with BPD can be just as manipulative as a woman with sex. When he wanted to be intimate, okay then! But withholding intimacy was part of my uBPDh's arsenal too, whether or not he was aware he was using it against me.

There is certainly truth here.

When "gaming" a girl you are dating one of the biggest mind___s you can pull as a guy is to pull out midway through and say you are bored.  I've used this tactic in the past when a FWB began to lose interest in me and belive it worked and the FWB situation kept going for a few more months with heavy perusal by her.

It's a shame game doesn't work on PD's

[Mutt]

Bpd withold sex as a means of control and also it happens during devaluation.

My ex never actually did this to me however she does it to my replacement,  she showed me a text he'd sent her complaining that they didn't have sex anymore, and she blamed  "medical reasons" but it didn't stop her from having sex with me behind his back.

It's all mind games and manipulation

From my experience my ex became increasingly detached from sex and our relationship. Our bond felt frayed, weak . Looking back she was detaching and was having an emotional affair that I know of ( there may of been more, I'll never know ) and she projected her detachment on me. She said I was not sexually interested or aroused. That being said everyone's ex is different, circumstances and situations all different. BPD is also a spectrum disorder and people afflicted with the disorder have different traits.

[Hawk Ridge]

Thanks for that, Blue Sunshine.  Before we became involved, I was straight.  She had been rebuffed by her partner and I was supporting her.   During this time period, she began, despite her waifish ways, becoming rather provocative.  I was really only trying to support snd help a friend.  I found it all very confusing but I began to trust her deeply.  This came out of nowhere for me.  I fell deeply in love.  When we first got involved, she was very suggestive and, for a very short time, slow and deliberate in our sexual encounters.  I felt loved.    Within a month, I thought it was odd how infrequent and fast these interactions became.  Then, by month three, nothing, saying she was asexual.  She had previously described high risk behaviors with her partners since she was young.  After the recycle,it was again three months of once in while brief sexual encounters only when SHE wanted it and then it was that she was too scared.   I respected that while thinking I did not find this a mutually satisfying relationship as discussion and negotiation were not options.  Once again, my thoughts were not considered.  I came our of it feeling like a conquest as I was her third straight woman. I felt defective, like I must not have been good enough in bed for her.  She left me, only saying she wasn't in love with me anymore... .no reason so my mind has of course went to self blame, looking for reasons.  That said, i know she was not sexual with a previous partner if 7 years for the last 5 years of their relarionship.  There is a part of me that I am not proud of that hopes she asexual with my replacement.  When she left, she said she wanted to be alone.  Within 2 months, she was "in love."  Ouch!  This disease hurts so many... .Hard situation... .thanks for providing the other side.

[peiper]

Actually it was myself who became asexual. I'm a very sexual person but after all the games and abuse I had no desire to be with her. And I'm glad now after finding out she's a cheat.

[Pingo]

Like Peiper, that is what I experienced.  By the last 6 mths of our r/s I really had no interest.  I would go to bed hoping he would just read and not bring up the subject.  I never refused him but I would sometimes just take care of him as I was tired and he didn't like this.  He wanted hours of lovemaking.  I was already detaching, emotionally.  It was a feeling akin to treading water, just trying to stay afloat.  It was all I could do to keep him from totally consuming me.  It was my way to stay in some tiny bit of control.  I really felt defective, like something was wrong with me, that I didn't have any sex drive.  I couldn't see that it was just me trying to survive.