What to do about the in-laws?

[RisingSun]

I haven't spoken to any family from my BPDxw's side since my xw and I split (6 months ago). No one from her side of the family has even attempted to reach out to me. Even though I

did reach out to my xw's mother, she never responded. The whole family knows how crazy my xw is even though she's "high functioning".

I did send my xw's parents an email telling them what their daughter had done (run off with another man). I wanted to make sure they knew my side of things before I went dark.

And also, I wanted to make sure that xw couldn't just slip my replacement into her life too easily

This morning I got my first text from my x-mother in-law. She just said that she misses me and asked how I was doing.

I sent her a text back telling her I was alright and that I missed her as well.

I'm just a little afraid of what's to come now that she's reaching out. It's triggered me and has got me wondering how I should go about things if she engages me further.

Can anyone share their experiences dealing with the in-laws?

[Deeno02]

My ex-wife wasnt BPD and I only got to meet my ex/BPDgf's mother twice before she died. From my marriage I will say this. Whatever your relationship was with your in-laws prior to this is yours. My inlaws didnt approve of what their daughter did, but it is their daughter. My ex wife ended up marrying the guy and they have their own relationship between them. I still treat them as I did when I was still married to their daughter. Infact, nothing has changed between my interaction between any of my ex family members. BIL and SIL included. I still have a nephew, exchange xmas and birthday cards, get beers with my BIL's and such. When my in laws come into town, they stop by and see me. So, I guess what Im trying to say is that it's yours to make of it what you want to make of it. They still love and care for you, but, understand, they support their kid, right, wrong, indifferent. Even though my ex and her husband(who was our mutual friend BTW) and I get along now, theres no reason why you cant maintain a r/s with your inlaws. The only thing bad against it would be if your ex turns it into an huge ___ storm, causing enough pain for everyone involved. Then you may have to let go.

[RisingSun]

Thanks Deeno.

I'm not sure how I feel about my xw's family right now. Her father is a totally, full blown npd. Her mom is a bit of a waif. I'm feeling very triggered by the x mother in law reaching out.

I do love her, but think it might be too painful to deal with any sort of close relationship. My BPDxw really did a number on me and I'm trying to keep people close who recognize the damage

she's inflicted on my life. I have a feeling her parents will in no way acknowledge this. Why should they? I was close to my xw's family. I've spent every holiday and countless weekend

trips to the lake house for the past 11 years with them. But not one has reached out to me aside from her mom. And it's a big family.

I too had a long (7 year) relationship with someone (non-BPD) who I almost married. She left me for someone else. Although she didn't do half the damage as my xw did.

I'm still close with her, her family and the guy she left me for. Water under the bridge. I know this is possible.

But as you know, when dealing with pd's it's so much different. I guess I'll just see how this unfolds. Thanks for your input. 

[billypilgrim]

Like you, I reached out to my mother-in-law when my exBPD left.  I actually texted her mother the day she left and asked what the heck is going on with [my exBPD]?  She responded with "I don't think she's in a good place to make clear decisions right now, try to stay calm."  That was the last I really heard from her.  I sent her a long e-mail expressing my concerns for her mental well being (this is before I found out she is BPD/HPD).  I was concerned about her financial standing and her sexual tendencies since she was off B/C (we were going to try for kids, as I've mentioned in other threads).  I have yet to receive a response to the e-mail I sent and I've decided that I really don't care to read it if she does decide to send something.  It'll be 2 months Christmas day since she left so I know things are still very early.  And at times it is really tempting to just let her whole family know that their little goody goody girl is a far cry from the front she puts on when she's around them, less than one month from leaving me, she found a replacement.

Here's how I plan to handle it going forward, my ex mother-in-law is diagnosed bipolar/BPD and views her two kids as infallible.  What good could possibly come out of maintaining a relationship with someone like this?  She will realize that I never treated her daughter with anything but the utmost respect and I tried to love her and provide for her the best I could.   I don't need to keep a relationship going with her family to prove that to them.  They saw it when we were together and I have a feeling they'll see it now that we are apart.  I'm starting to find peace with that.

[Pingo]

RisingSun, I was also triggered by my uBPDexh's family.  I had all of them on my fb and I deleted them all bc I found it too upsetting.  The only one I'm in contact with is his SIL (brother's wife) and mostly bc she is very supportive of me and has no time for my ex, recognising how toxic he is.  But even with her I only email about once a month, keep it simple.  When we split the first time (we recycled once after a couple of mths) I had sent an email to his brother/SIL and described the chaos and abuse that I was dealing with.  So they have an idea of what I've been dealing with.

In my past experience with families of exes, including the family of my first husband, blood is thicker than anything.  Doesn't matter how bad the person behaved, they'll stick by them. I don't even expect anything different now.  I know when I go through a BU it's a BU with the family too. 

[rollercoaster24]

Hi all

I wasn't married to my exBP, but we were together 4 years, and I met all his family members, socialising more than once with several of them. The family were all aware of the damage BP was inflicting on his parents, (and me) so much so that after he moved out of mine and went back to stay with his parents off and on, they had to ask him to leave, such was the danger of his behaviour.

BP's SILaw often shops at the Centre I work at, and if she saw me and we made eye contact, she would say Hi and come over and ask if I have heard from BP or not, since we broke up.

I have told her the truth, that since March when we last broke up, (my doing), I have heard from him several times by phone, the first call being a hate filled rage rant, and the calls in the months after, slowly turning around to that same sweet talking, recycling stuff.

I think he really wanted to know if I was with anybody else or not, and knowing that I wasn't gave him something to gloat about.

At first talks, it didn't seem he wanted to get back together, but even if he did, he wouldn't be honest about it, and would manipulate things around so that I would be running after him once again, then perhaps he might use me for a bit, get some money out of me, or some company whatever, or just have me regularly listen to him rant/rave/rage about everyone again, like his full time therapist.

I knew that once I had served my purpose, he would start to hate me all over again, and I would only be heartbroken and back to the start of the anguish, undoing any progress I had made over the last 9 months of being away from him.

When the SILaw filled me in on news of BP, it was always the same, that he wasn't working, (6 years unemployed), and was still homeless and living in his car. The 2nd last time I saw her, she told me that he was living 'with friends' in a suburb 20 minutes away, but it 'wasn't a very good environment for him', like he is some kind of saint by saying that  

Plaaeeezze! Ironically he used to tell people he was living with 'friends' when he was staying for free at mine, and living with me in what I thought was a committed relationship.

It is also pointed that when he met me, he was blaming his homelessness on his brother, (husband of the SILaw that fills me in at work), and now he is blaming me, saying that he wasn't homeless until after he met me, CHOKE.

This last time SILaw stopped by, was just a few days ago, and something told me that her delivering the latest news was this time filled with some kind of smug satisfaction, where before she was cynical and nasty about her BIlaw BP, now she is suddenly wonderfully delighted and supportive of all the nasty crap he talked about.

She approached me from behind, (out of character for her to seek me out specially) and made a point of calling out my name, to announce she had good news of BP. I was about to interrupt her and say that although I was happy to hear he was doing better, I didn't want to know the details this time, but due to the fact that I was sitting on the ground cleaning windows outside, I wasn't able to escape that easily. She announced rather smugly that BP was now working, (shock horror) and was doing much better for himself, recently coming to the city to pay some bills. I was hoping that was it and she would disappear, but then she blurts out that she thinks he has met his match, and that the woman is a Psychiatrist, (I almost fell over hearing this one).

Next she says that she thinks he just wanted to get away from everything and everyone, and then out of the blue, she says, Well, Merry Xmas to you and to your family, bye now.

I honestly felt that she really enjoyed sharing that with me, knowing it would hurt. It also told me, that BP would likely have led the family to believe that he left me, not the other way around, this way it would support the smear campaign he had raged on me since the beginning of our relationship.

Since I was told all the personal private intimate details of his families lives over and over again, (and not that I really wanted or needed to know that stuff at any rate) and his family was a big source of his rage, I can only begin to wonder what lies he told about me and mine.

The thing is, the family knew BP was a massive liar, so why would they suddenly believe that he could change overnight, just because he has a job now?

Not to mention a new girlfriend. He must have duped this woman pretty well, but I do admit, he can be a real charmer, until you get to know him, and realise he is capable of murder or worse.

[RisingSun]

Thank you all for your feedback.

I've decided to not engage the mother in law any further. What I've come to realize is that my xw and her mother are very similar. They are unwilling to deal with

things on an adult level. Her mother is a rug sweeper in the truest sense of the word. She's been dealing with her own abusive relationship with her BPD husband for a long time.

I realize that she's incapable of dealing with what her daughter has done to our marriage and would rather it just be forgotten. I'm not in a place to just go on like nothing happened.

What I need from everyone in my life is validation. I will not find that with my xw's family. To be honest, they're all scared of xw. She will not hesitate to rage at them.

I've been watching this go on for years. I used to be the peace maker in that family when it came down to my xw. Now that I'm not around, I'm sure they're feeling her wrath

and are afraid of making things worse by contacting me. Very sad. I loved that family and over the last 11 years I've spent more time with them than my own.

Now I'm cut off from all of them. I'm in such a vulnerable emotional space. I can't find it in me to reach out. I'm scared to reach out. I don't want to seem weak in my xw's eyes if/when

she finds out I've reached out to them. I'm totally stuck here and don't know what to do other than nothing at all. Dealing with her family is such a slippery slope.

[billypilgrim]

I don't want to seem weak in my xw's eyes if/when she finds out I've reached out to them.

I feared the same but I began to realize that really didn't need to care what she thinks/thought about me any longer.  I had done that long enough. 

I'm totally stuck here and don't know what to do other than nothing at all. Dealing with her family is such a slippery slope.

Dealing with her family is a slippery slope.  Like you, I desperately wanted validation.  A marriage and a 6 year relationship vanished literally overnight and on top of it all, I was blamed for why she was leaving.  I wanted to know that her family didn't think I was responsible.  And that I had done everything I could.  And that I wasn't this bad person that my ex made me out to be in her first e-mail to me after leaving.  But I quickly learned that they are her family first and despite how they may have accepted you, their loyalty will always be with her - no matter what their opinion of you or the breakup might be. 

I know my ex's mother-in-law did not honor anything I said to her in confidence.  She forwarded an e-mail to my ex in which I explained to my ex mother-in-law my concerns over the impulsive way in which my ex left and my ex's mental well-being (this was before I knew she was BPD/HPD).  Nothing good came from me reaching out to her family other than me receiving a second e-mail from my explaining the ridiculous reasons as to why she left in more detail.  I'm still struggling with her words in that e-mail, despite knowing that nothing in that e-mail is legitimate or actual reasons that couples get divorce.  One, two, three, all together now - it's a disorder. 

Steer clear of the family.  And don't do it out of fear, do it for yourself.  You don't need her family to feel validated.

[RisingSun]

I don't want to seem weak in my xw's eyes if/when she finds out I've reached out to them.

I feared the same but I began to realize that really didn't need to care what she thinks/thought about me any longer.  I had done that long enough. 

I'm totally stuck here and don't know what to do other than nothing at all. Dealing with her family is such a slippery slope.

Dealing with her family is a slippery slope.  Like you, I desperately wanted validation.  A marriage and a 6 year relationship vanished literally overnight and on top of it all, I was blamed for why she was leaving.  I wanted to know that her family didn't think I was responsible.  And that I had done everything I could.  And that I wasn't this bad person that my ex made me out to be in her first e-mail to me after leaving.  But I quickly learned that they are her family first and despite how they may have accepted you, their loyalty will always be with her - no matter what their opinion of you or the breakup might be. 

I know my ex's mother-in-law did not honor anything I said to her in confidence.  She forwarded an e-mail to my ex in which I explained to my ex mother-in-law my concerns over the impulsive way in which my ex left and my ex's mental well-being (this was before I knew she was BPD/HPD).  Nothing good came from me reaching out to her family other than me receiving a second e-mail from my explaining the ridiculous reasons as to why she left in more detail.  I'm still struggling with her words in that e-mail, despite knowing that nothing in that e-mail is legitimate or actual reasons that couples get divorce.  One, two, three, all together now - it's a disorder. 

Steer clear of the family.  And don't do it out of fear, do it for yourself.  You don't need her family to feel validated.

Thanks for taking the time to respond to this post billypillgirm.

I also wrote my x mother/father in law a letter detailing my point of view on our divorce and their daughter's actions. It wasn't a kind letter. It was direct and to the point.

I wasn't projecting this mess onto them. I just felt they should know that their daughter was running off with another man in the mists of us trying to fix our broken marriage.

I let them know that I was 100% committed their daughter, to resolving our issues and that their daughter chose the path of the coward.

After the letter was sent 6 months passed in total silence. I also reached out to her mother during the first month but she never responded. That was until now.

I fear it's too late though. Obviously I don't matter to them as much as I thought. I do understand blood is thicker than water. Although I 'm not asking them to take sides.

I just wanted to feel as though they cared for me at least enough to have proper closure.

I will steer clear of the family. That much is certain at this point. There's nothing there for me other than more pain. I am deciding to cut contact, not out of fear, but for my own well-being.

Thank you for reminding me of that important point. I find validation from friends, family and my awesome T.