Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
September 16, 2021, 11:07:05 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Experts share their discoveries [video]
100
Caretaking - What is it all about?
Margalis Fjelstad, PhD
Blame - why we do it?
Brené Brown, PhD
Family dynamics matter.
Alan Fruzzetti, PhD
A perspective on BPD
Ivan Spielberg, PhD
Pages: 1 ... 3 [4] 5  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: I want her back - she is ignoring me  (Read 13967 times)
guy4caligirl
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 692


« Reply #90 on: December 23, 2014, 05:02:22 PM »

I am doing what you suggested to me to do Skip , I have listened to you all's comments thank you for your advise I really appreciated it . happy holidays !
Logged
guy4caligirl
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 692


« Reply #91 on: December 23, 2014, 05:19:22 PM »

I say it again and again every case is different it has it's own uniqueness and dynamic please  don't generalize it's not fair .

BPD or not they are also people  .

That's true Guy. They are people. And on some level, they are owed the same consideration that we would show to any other person. And part of that consideration is respecting it when someone asks you to be left alone. It is possible (even likely) that her feelings are going to change at any moment, but at this given time she's told you that she's not interested in a relationship. And until her feelings do change, you've got to respect that. Is there a chance that you're using her BPD as an excuse to ignore what she's telling

I agree with most of the people on here that suggest taking a step back. You've got to give it some time, and give both of you the space you need. I did a similar thing with my ex. I took a step back, put space between us so we could both heal, and studied up on the staying pages. We didn't get back into a romantic relationship, but we're probably as close to a stable relationship as is possible. Trying to force things is just going to hurt you, her, and your chances at something working in the future. If you are interested in getting back together with her, try and put yourself in her shoes. Would you be interested in pursuing a relationship with someone that didn't respect your requests for space?

Stay strong Guy. This is a tough spot to be in. I know, I've been there. It can get better, but you've got to make sure you're giving yourself time and taking the steps necessary to get to that place. Best luck to you.

Thank you Rise for your kind words .
Logged
hurting300
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1292



« Reply #92 on: December 23, 2014, 08:37:32 PM »

Guy, if you will leave her alone for six weeks like skip said it would probably be ok. I'm telling you this right now, I wish the day I came home and discovered her missing i would not have tried calling or texting her. Sure she did drive by's and some stalking. Now eight months later we're still trying to locate her to serve her court papers but I'm no contact. I blocked her on Facebook, changed my number And moved into one of my rental properties. I disappeared too. I know In my heart she is bad and no good for me. Work on yourself buddy. This is painful but it does get better. When she first left i was searching day and night for her. Now I don't. I do not care what or who she does. You have us to vent to.
Logged

In the eye for an eye game, he who cares least, wins. I, for one. am never stepping into the ring with someone who is impulsive and doesn't think of the downstream consequences.
guy4caligirl
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 692


« Reply #93 on: December 23, 2014, 08:53:29 PM »

Thank you Hurting , I really took the advise and put it at  work since yesterday, and started a personal inventory to see why I am acting this way ,I am reading more and will vent if I need to , but this method I was using isn't get me anywhere m believe me it's not a good think when you text and get ignored , I am not going to  contact her anymore .

I asked questions I got answers  , that's what it's all about .

Thank you all and have a Merry Christmas       
Logged
oletimefeelin
****
Offline Offline

Posts: 351


« Reply #94 on: December 23, 2014, 09:28:47 PM »

You say every situation is unique.  To me, the real value of these forums here and elsewhere is seeing that these situations are not unique at all.  There are a few factors that are important in my opinion like high-functioning vs low, do you have children together, and is there a drug or alcohol issue.  Nonetheless, you read these forums enough and you realize this stuff is pretty hard wired.  It's really amazing actually.

All that said, if I were trying to get a borderline back I would do exactly the opposite of what you're doing.  They are attracted to indifference.  This whiny, groveling you're doing is going to repulse her.  You need to be strong where she's so weak. 

Disappear and get your stuff together.  Say nothing.  Respond to nothing.  The added benefit here is that you get your own head straight to see where you are at.  What you are doing now will never ever work. 
Logged
hurting300
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1292



« Reply #95 on: December 23, 2014, 09:35:24 PM »

Buddy I'm there with you. Mine ignored me too. I loved her so much... .Still do. I took care of this woman and went without for her. Now if she wants me she has to find me. The disorder always wins. My therapist told me I am a great Guy who got crossed with a professional victim. Non BPD girls come back too you know... .She'll make a come back. Just let her go.
Logged

In the eye for an eye game, he who cares least, wins. I, for one. am never stepping into the ring with someone who is impulsive and doesn't think of the downstream consequences.
hurting300
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1292



« Reply #96 on: December 23, 2014, 09:37:22 PM »

You say every situation is unique.  To me, the real value of these forums here and elsewhere is seeing that these situations are not unique at all.  There are a few factors that are important in my opinion like high-functioning vs low, do you have children together, and is there a drug or alcohol issue.  Nonetheless, you read these forums enough and you realize this stuff is pretty hard wired.  It's really amazing actually.

All that said, if I were trying to get a borderline back I would do exactly the opposite of what you're doing.  They are attracted to indifference.  This whiny, groveling you're doing is going to repulse her.  You need to be strong where she's so weak. 

Disappear and get your stuff together.  Say nothing.  Respond to nothing.  The added benefit here is that you get your own head straight to see where you are at.  What you are doing now will never ever work. 

also you have to look at if they overlapping issues. Mine is more anti social. Which makes it worse.
Logged

In the eye for an eye game, he who cares least, wins. I, for one. am never stepping into the ring with someone who is impulsive and doesn't think of the downstream consequences.
guy4caligirl
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 692


« Reply #97 on: December 23, 2014, 11:44:00 PM »

I say it again and again every case is different it has it's own uniqueness and dynamic please  don't generalize it's not fair .

BPD or not they are also people  .

Okay, what would you do if someone without BPD would tell you they have moved on and that you should leave them alone? You would believe them, right? If you really want to treat your exBPDgf as other people then do so. Respect and accept that she has moved on. It doesn't matter if she really has or not. You are thinking that she hasn't because of the disorder. Even if you're right there is nothing you can do about it. So treat her as you would treat every other human being telling you they have moved on. Grant her that wish.

I know you are hurting and I was in a place where you are now but it doesn't help. You can't control others. It doesn't matter if they are being honest when telling they have moved on or playing some weird game. If you really love your exBPDgf then think of it this way: every time you try to recycle/get in touch with her again you enable her behaviour. You add more fuel to the flame. No, it's not your fault she's suffering from BPD in the first place but you should leave her alone.

MY goal is:

I want her to get normal days... .When I saw Her cry most of the time saying , "I just want to feel normal "

One day when she decides to seek  treatment , I will be beside every step of the way .

Logged
Aussie JJ
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: apart 18 months, 12 months push pull 6 months seperated properly, 4 months k own about BPD
Posts: 866


« Reply #98 on: December 23, 2014, 11:57:24 PM »

I want to live my life and love my life. 

When friends or foes ask for help I will always be that person I know I am and help to the best of my ability. 

I wont let people stop me from being that person, I will earn my own respect before I try to earn others.  If I can respect my actions so can they. 
Logged
Deeno02
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1526



« Reply #99 on: December 24, 2014, 07:30:34 AM »

I want to live my life and love my life. 

When friends or foes ask for help I will always be that person I know I am and help to the best of my ability. 

I wont let people stop me from being that person, I will earn my own respect before I try to earn others.  If I can respect my actions so can they. 

Very honorable. While there is nothing I wouldnt do for anyone at any time (my core problem, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)), Im not going out looking for it any longer. I cant. No contact is just that, no contact. If for some reason she needed help, of course i would help, but im keeping my distance. Its safer for me to do so while I heal.
Logged
BorisAcusio
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 671



« Reply #100 on: December 24, 2014, 08:09:40 AM »

Guy4cali

Do not chase!

Any chasing right now will only serve to validate that she treated you poorly and you want her anyway.  There's a good chance she checks on your social media stuff.  If you potentially want her back and for a chance it might work you need to heal fist of all and be able to detach from the outcome if things will work out with her or not.  To be in a position where you become pretty much a master communicator and understand the disorder and yourself throughly. Work on yourself and forgive her and yourself.  You see that is sort of the paradox if you want it to work out with her you need to focus on yourself but if you do it all for her then your not focusing ok yourself.

Well, it's a bit like encouraging someone to take chemo, heal from detrimental physicial, financial and mental burden, then, when he's healthy he would be able to go throught that that again, but now, with a throat cancer. Understanding the disorder won't make it healthy or working. Been there, done that.

Even recycles can provide great opportunity to heal and face reality, to learn about yourself, your own part of the dysfunctional dance but working towards that with a hidden agenda is just a way to prolonging your pain in fantasy land.
Logged
Blimblam
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2892



WWW
« Reply #101 on: December 24, 2014, 08:49:29 AM »

Guy4cali

Do not chase!

Any chasing right now will only serve to validate that she treated you poorly and you want her anyway.  There's a good chance she checks on your social media stuff.  If you potentially want her back and for a chance it might work you need to heal fist of all and be able to detach from the outcome if things will work out with her or not.  To be in a position where you become pretty much a master communicator and understand the disorder and yourself throughly. Work on yourself and forgive her and yourself.  You see that is sort of the paradox if you want it to work out with her you need to focus on yourself but if you do it all for her then your not focusing ok yourself.

Well, it's a bit like encouraging someone to take chemo, heal from detrimental physicial, financial and mental burden, then, when he's healthy he would be able to go throught that that again, but now, with a throat cancer. Understanding the disorder won't make it healthy or working. Been there, done that.

Even recycles can provide great opportunity to heal and face reality, to learn about yourself, your own part of the dysfunctional dance but working towards that with a hidden agenda is just a way to prolonging your pain in fantasy land.

Lol you see I don't think it's impossible to maintain a long term relationship with a pwBPD but learning all that would be good for healing anyway.
Logged
guy4caligirl
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 692


« Reply #102 on: December 24, 2014, 09:32:21 AM »

Guy4cali

Do not chase!

Any chasing right now will only serve to validate that she treated you poorly and you want her anyway.  There's a good chance she checks on your social media stuff.  If you potentially want her back and for a chance it might work you need to heal fist of all and be able to detach from the outcome if things will work out with her or not.  To be in a position where you become pretty much a master communicator and understand the disorder and yourself throughly. Work on yourself and forgive her and yourself.  You see that is sort of the paradox if you want it to work out with her you need to focus on yourself but if you do it all for her then your not focusing ok yourself.

Well, it's a bit like encouraging someone to take chemo, heal from detrimental physicial, financial and mental burden, then, when he's healthy he would be able to go throught that that again, but now, with a throat cancer. Understanding the disorder won't make it healthy or working. Been there, done that.

Very funny but nicely put .

Even recycles can provide great opportunity to heal and face reality, to learn about yourself, your own part of the dysfunctional dance but working towards that with a hidden agenda is just a way to prolonging your pain in fantasy land.

Funny How when I always said every case on here is unique , I hope members see what I mean , I am good being on my own ,I am fine with myself , my treasure is having a son that already a pilot at 16 , I have a lot to look forward for and be thankful ,you all too , I did NOT allow her destroy who I am or yet my spirit of good will , yes I have my issues and who doesn't ? I will listen to the board advice definitely specially going NC or LC and improve my communication skills of validating her thoughts and respect her boundaries ,best of all I know my ex she wasn't the cheater type she fought for us to stay together , she loves what I do for living and was involved in my business and still misses it ,we planed our break up for years she never just left suddenly we both were at an agreement .

Just after I heard her saying when she got to her state where she moved from that it's over don't contact me anymore I got hit with the reality of loosing her , she stayed in town for 3 days so I can tell her come back I didn't , and here I am still fighting for her and I, to heal together , I pray that would happen . I am still sticking with the leaving board just in case it doesn't happen . Cheers to you all          
Logged
ucmeicu2
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 389


« Reply #103 on: December 24, 2014, 10:23:39 AM »

hi, what do you mean, "unless" they have Narc traits?  they all have Narc traits.    do not underestimate the agenda of a pwBPD -- some (a lot?) of what they do is conscious/malicious/and full of intent.  nobody knows the exact percentage - it may be impossible to decipher incident by incident - but if you can catch them in a rare off-moment of clarity/integrity/vulnerability/and honesty, they might admit it.

not all narcissists are borderline, but all borderlines are narcissistic. some moreso than others.  there is also a lot of overlap in the Cluster B's.  the level of co-morbidities in BPD is astounding (and well documented).

it's even difficult for therapists to get a good handle on Dx'ing it, to truly see behind 'the mask",  b/c the Cluster B's lie/manipulate/deceive so much and so well.  initially pwBPD play The Victim and get huge amts of N-supply from therapists.  until they don't.  then when therapists starts seeing behind The Mask, pwBPD get scared, they quit and go find a new victim therapist.  just like they do in r/s's with Nons, idealize/devalue/discard go find another victim lover.  lather, rinse, repeat.

and that's if a pwBPD can even find a therapist that will treat them.  the small percentage of therapists that do treat BPD seem to keep it to a low percentage of their total patients AND the therapists themselves need to get therapy/group meetings to debrief/decontaminate/recover from their contact w/BPD!  this is serious stuff, people!  think about it... .if therapists avoid pwBPD and need therapy themselves, that should be a ginormous clue that us Average Joe's probably don't stand a chance.

i had to get therapy during my r/s w/my xBPDgf.   and my own therapist ~ of whom 1 of her specialities is BPD(!) ~ told me pwBPD can be dangerous, can be homicidal, and to RUN AND DON'T LOOK BACK!  

good advice.  unheeded, but good advice.  

icu2

Cluster Bs weren't taught how to deal with situations, and because of this they run away because thats all they know, think of it like a lost child trying to run away from her anger, hate and resentment.  The games they play are sub conscious, they arent doing it to hurt you, unless they have Narc traits,  Think of BPD as that child thats crying for help, running away from her own emotional pain that she never could deal with.  Where as the Narc is more like, my parents treated me like an object and because of this i will take it out on the world through lies and deceit.  Your dealing with a BPD here by the sound of it

Logged
Deeno02
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1526



« Reply #104 on: December 24, 2014, 10:36:37 AM »

hi, what do you mean, "unless" they have Narc traits?  they all have Narc traits.    do not underestimate the agenda of a pwBPD -- a lot of what they do is conscious/malicious/and full of intent.  it may be impossible to decipher incident by incident, but if you can catch them in a rare off-moment of clarity/integrity/vulnerability/and honesty, they will admit it.

not all narcissists are borderline, but all borderlines are narcissistic. some moreso than others.  there is also a lot of overlap in the Cluster B's.  the level of co-morbidities in BPD is astounding (and well documented).

it's even difficult for therapists to get a good handle on Dx'ing it, to truly see behind 'the mask",  b/c the Cluster B's lie/manipulate/deceive so much and so well.  initially pwBPD play The Victim and get huge amts of N-supply from therapists.  until they don't.  then when therapists starts seeing behind The Mask, pwBPD get scared, they quit and go find a new victim therapist.  just like they do in r/s's with Nons, idealize/devalue/discard go find another victim lover.  lather, rinse, repeat.

and that's if a pwBPD can even find a therapist that will treat them.  the small percentage of therapists that do treat BPD seem to keep it to a low percentage of their total patients AND the therapists themselves need to get therapy/group meetings to debrief/decontaminate/recover from their contact w/BPD!  this is serious stuff, people!  think about it... .if therapists avoid pwBPD and need therapy themselves, that should be a ginormous clue that us Average Joe's probably don't stand a chance.

i had to get therapy during my r/s w/my xBPDgf.   and my own therapist ~ of whom 1 of her specialities is BPD(!) ~ told me pwBPD can be dangerous, can be homicidal, and to RUN AND DON'T LOOK BACK! 

good advice.  unheeded, but good advice.   

icu2

Cluster Bs weren't taught how to deal with situations, and because of this they run away because thats all they know, think of it like a lost child trying to run away from her anger, hate and resentment.  The games they play are sub conscious, they arent doing it to hurt you, unless they have Narc traits,  Think of BPD as that child thats crying for help, running away from her own emotional pain that she never could deal with.  Where as the Narc is more like, my parents treated me like an object and because of this i will take it out on the world through lies and deceit.  Your dealing with a BPD here by the sound of it


Wow! Good info! I didn't realize!
Logged
guy4caligirl
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 692


« Reply #105 on: December 24, 2014, 10:50:22 AM »

hi, what do you mean, "unless" they have Narc traits?  they all have Narc traits.    do not underestimate the agenda of a pwBPD -- some (a lot?) of what they do is conscious/malicious/and full of intent.  nobody knows the exact percentage - it may be impossible to decipher incident by incident - but if you can catch them in a rare off-moment of clarity/integrity/vulnerability/and honesty, they might admit it.

not all narcissists are borderline, but all borderlines are narcissistic. some moreso than others.  there is also a lot of overlap in the Cluster B's.  the level of co-morbidities in BPD is astounding (and well documented).

it's even difficult for therapists to get a good handle on Dx'ing it, to truly see behind 'the mask",  b/c the Cluster B's lie/manipulate/deceive so much and so well.  initially pwBPD play The Victim and get huge amts of N-supply from therapists.  until they don't.  then when therapists starts seeing behind The Mask, pwBPD get scared, they quit and go find a new victim therapist.  just like they do in r/s's with Nons, idealize/devalue/discard go find another victim lover.  lather, rinse, repeat.

and that's if a pwBPD can even find a therapist that will treat them.  the small percentage of therapists that do treat BPD seem to keep it to a low percentage of their total patients AND the therapists themselves need to get therapy/group meetings to debrief/decontaminate/recover from their contact w/BPD!  this is serious stuff, people!  think about it... .if therapists avoid pwBPD and need therapy themselves, that should be a ginormous clue that us Average Joe's probably don't stand a chance.

i had to get therapy during my r/s w/my xBPDgf.   and my own therapist ~ of whom 1 of her specialities is BPD(!) ~ told me pwBPD can be dangerous, can be homicidal, and to RUN AND DON'T LOOK BACK!  

good advice.  unheeded, but good advice.  

icu2

Cluster Bs weren't taught how to deal with situations, and because of this they run away because thats all they know, think of it like a lost child trying to run away from her anger, hate and resentment.  The games they play are sub conscious, they arent doing it to hurt you, unless they have Narc traits,  Think of BPD as that child thats crying for help, running away from her own emotional pain that she never could deal with.  Where as the Narc is more like, my parents treated me like an object and because of this i will take it out on the world through lies and deceit.  Your dealing with a BPD here by the sound of it


My ex said that a few times to me "This time I will leave and never look back " No Wonder .
Logged
BorisAcusio
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 671



« Reply #106 on: December 24, 2014, 11:08:25 AM »

Guy4cali

Do not chase!

Any chasing right now will only serve to validate that she treated you poorly and you want her anyway.  There's a good chance she checks on your social media stuff.  If you potentially want her back and for a chance it might work you need to heal fist of all and be able to detach from the outcome if things will work out with her or not.  To be in a position where you become pretty much a master communicator and understand the disorder and yourself throughly. Work on yourself and forgive her and yourself.  You see that is sort of the paradox if you want it to work out with her you need to focus on yourself but if you do it all for her then your not focusing ok yourself.

Well, it's a bit like encouraging someone to take chemo, heal from detrimental physicial, financial and mental burden, then, when he's healthy he would be able to go throught that that again, but now, with a throat cancer. Understanding the disorder won't make it healthy or working. Been there, done that.

Even recycles can provide great opportunity to heal and face reality, to learn about yourself, your own part of the dysfunctional dance but working towards that with a hidden agenda is just a way to prolonging your pain in fantasy land.

Lol you see I don't think it's impossible to maintain a long term relationship with a pwBPD but learning all that would be good for healing anyway.

Humans are remarkably adaptable. My grandfather spent years in a Siberan forced labor camp(GULAG), with an annual mortality rate ranging between 10-20 percent, of course it could be done. Lifelong scars and lifelong strength(!) was gained. Would he had done it again? I doubt it.  

It is unhealthy for the untreated pwBPD and unhealthy for their romantic partner. Reconciling sometimes could spur growth for both parties but not in the way of maintainaing the fantasy roles.

All good relationships have an element of childlike wonder in them. However, if a fantasy role (supported by the false self of the altruist and the true self of the Borderline) was the majority of the relationship, then one person is using the other to remain in a one-up parent position while the other remains in a childlike or irresponsible state.  For her to become mature means putting away childish expectations of being carried like a child in life or having a pseudo-parent for a partner.

Logged
ShadowIntheNight
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Posts: 442


« Reply #107 on: December 24, 2014, 01:17:41 PM »

I guess I'm struggling the most with is her comments she made whilst we were together like I just want you to be happy ! I dont know what made her think I wasnt ? Was me returning after every big argument not enough to show her I loved her and I was happy ? .

Every massive argument I would leave to let her cool down . Then I get told I give up to easily the next day due to leaving when she raged ! Any body else get something similar said ? .

I gave everything and got nothing in return !

Oh yes, in her break up "note" (couldn't even tell me on the phone after 9.5 years) she told me that I "deserved consistent happiness." Utterly bizarre! In all of our time together my feelings toward her never vacillated between happy/unhappy. That was clearly her projection on me. Happiness is an internal state, so if she did something that I didn't like, I'd let her know and that was that. It didn't change my feelings toward her. So I was consistently happy anyway! Naturally her actions this year have made me unhappy, and that has been consistent too... .

She's a psychologist so I know she understands these things. And yet in the midst of not allowing me a say in this life changing event, she was making a determination of what my feelings may or may not have been. Anymore I feel sorry for the college aged kids she counsels. Lord knows what's coming from her mouth.
Logged
ShadowIntheNight
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Posts: 442


« Reply #108 on: December 24, 2014, 01:45:55 PM »

hi, what do you mean, "unless" they have Narc traits?  they all have Narc traits.    do not underestimate the agenda of a pwBPD -- some (a lot?) of what they do is conscious/malicious/and full of intent.  nobody knows the exact percentage - it may be impossible to decipher incident by incident - but if you can catch them in a rare off-moment of clarity/integrity/vulnerability/and honesty, they might admit it.

not all narcissists are borderline, but all borderlines are narcissistic. some moreso than others.  there is also a lot of overlap in the Cluster B's.  the level of co-morbidities in BPD is astounding.

So true. My uexPBDgfmwould always tell me how good looking her body was; her hot legs, her muscular arms, etc. I always kidded her and told her she'd date herself if she could and she said she would! Not making this stuff up. And frankly, looking at some pictures from earlier this year, she was getting frumpy in the midsection and sagging. She is 46, but she wants to think she's as hot as the college aged girls she works around. Physics doesn't work that way on the female body!

Having said that, she knew/knows exactly what she is doing when it comes to her actions toward giving the silent treatment. I see it with what she has done toward me the last 4 months and what she did toward other "friends" the last 5 years. Now that I have some understanding of this illness it helps me to understand those actions. But don't presume they are acting subconsciously. Mine knows exactly what she is doing. And she knows that she will get from whomever she is punishing what she wants, which is this idea of "if you don't give me what I want, you will pay."
Logged
Blimblam
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2892



WWW
« Reply #109 on: December 24, 2014, 06:18:00 PM »

hi, what do you mean, "unless" they have Narc traits?  they all have Narc traits.    do not underestimate the agenda of a pwBPD -- some (a lot?) of what they do is conscious/malicious/and full of intent.  nobody knows the exact percentage - it may be impossible to decipher incident by incident - but if you can catch them in a rare off-moment of clarity/integrity/vulnerability/and honesty, they might admit it.

not all narcissists are borderline, but all borderlines are narcissistic. some moreso than others.  there is also a lot of overlap in the Cluster B's.  the level of co-morbidities in BPD is astounding.

So true. My uexPBDgfmwould always tell me how good looking her body was; her hot legs, her muscular arms, etc. I always kidded her and told her she'd date herself if she could and she said she would! Not making this stuff up. And frankly, looking at some pictures from earlier this year, she was getting frumpy in the midsection and sagging. She is 46, but she wants to think she's as hot as the college aged girls she works around. Physics doesn't work that way on the female body!

Having said that, she knew/knows exactly what she is doing when it comes to her actions toward giving the silent treatment. I see it with what she has done toward me the last 4 months and what she did toward other "friends" the last 5 years. Now that I have some understanding of this illness it helps me to understand those actions. But don't presume they are acting subconsciously. Mine knows exactly what she is doing. And she knows that she will get from whomever she is punishing what she wants, which is this idea of "if you don't give me what I want, you will pay."

Yeah, I feel you they are aware they are manipulating and harming with intent a lot of the time.  Where I think it comes to the subconious is the true reason of "why?"  I think it comes down to the splitting it just sort of happens they don't control it but once it has happened they are aware of what they are doing. 

Boris,

Keep in mind though that there are a lot of flavors and levels of severity of BPD.  Many of us on the leaving board got hurt badly in our rs with a pwBPD and we hear a lot of common stories so we tend to project our own situation as a way to relate.  While the boards have trully been a life saver for me I harmed myself when I accepted the line of thought that my ex is just a bad person who goes around with the intent to ruin people's lives and it is impossible to have a relationship with her. I really feel it's important to understand that we may be angry and hurting but when we project that onto other people we may be inadvertently causing them harm.  People often arrive at the boards confused hurt and very impressionable. 

I seem to be attracted to women with BPD but almost exclusively quiet borderlines that are often altruistic and have a rich inner world.  They tend to defy in many ways a lot of the descriptions and assumptions make about borderlines but they are borderline.

2 of the borderlines I have known with a bit of therapy and maybe a year or two dedicated to a deep meditative practice I think could have a very fulfilling life and with the right partner have healthy long term relationships. But it would require I'm thinking like 2 years fully focused on healing with a guide.
Logged
ucmeicu2
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 389


« Reply #110 on: December 25, 2014, 02:52:54 PM »

I was NC for 12 days. Started texting her on Saturday, a few , a day , nice kind words like come back home,  etc... .My last text today I said "I am letting you go this time, take you sometimes for you to realize what you lost"... .She said "I'm m not mad now, I've moved on ,as should you... ."  Please your input on this, is important for me... .Now every time I text and I get silent treatment from her.... .

here I am still fighting for her and I, to heal together , I pray that would happen . I am still sticking with the leaving board just in case it doesn't happen

dude, please wake up.  she might be messing with your head but i don't think she's giving you The Silent Treatment.  you can only get The Silent Treatment from somebody you're in a relationship with.   she stated very clearly that "she has moved on" and advises you to do the same.  she has ended it with you.   if you continue to contact her, that is called Harrassment... .possibly Stalking.   that's not "love" dude ~ that's "addiction" and "obsession".   and you could get into legal trouble if she pursues it. 

you asked for input, here it is:   consider yourself fortunate and take her advice:  take her at face value and move on.  like it's been suggested, take 6 weeks off to leave her alone and work on yourself.  NC doesn't have to be "forever" but right now you seem to b in a bad place.  give yourself the gift of NC.

this is the board where you will get support if you're not sure:  [L2] Undecided: Staying or Leaving

this is the board where you will get support if you want to stay in a relationship  [L5] Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner

but this board right here that you're posting on, this board is about Moving On.  that's why it's called [L3] Leaving: Detaching from the Wounds of a failed BPD Relationship.
Logged
guy4caligirl
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 692


« Reply #111 on: December 25, 2014, 03:20:06 PM »

,Thanks for your advise it might be so ,She texted last night and wished me merry Christmas she never change her number , I know my situation , one of the reason , I am moving on ... .
Logged
hurting300
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1292



« Reply #112 on: December 25, 2014, 03:26:49 PM »

,Thanks for your advise it might be so ,She texted last night and wished me merry Christmas she never change her number , I know my situation , one of the reason , I am moving on ... .

mine changed her number the day after she left. She actually never told me we were over, she just simply vanished. Then stalked me. You got closure. Your lucky because she literally told you "it's over"...
Logged

In the eye for an eye game, he who cares least, wins. I, for one. am never stepping into the ring with someone who is impulsive and doesn't think of the downstream consequences.
hurting300
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1292



« Reply #113 on: December 25, 2014, 03:27:57 PM »

I was NC for 12 days. Started texting her on Saturday, a few , a day , nice kind words like come back home,  etc... .My last text today I said "I am letting you go this time, take you sometimes for you to realize what you lost"... .She said "I'm m not mad now, I've moved on ,as should you... ."  Please your input on this, is important for me... .Now every time I text and I get silent treatment from her.... .

here I am still fighting for her and I, to heal together , I pray that would happen . I am still sticking with the leaving board just in case it doesn't happen

dude, please wake up.  she might be messing with your head but i don't think she's giving you The Silent Treatment.  you can only get The Silent Treatment from somebody you're in a relationship with.   she stated very clearly that "she has moved on" and advises you to do the same.  she has ended it with you.   if you continue to contact her, that is called Harrassment... .possibly Stalking.   that's not "love" dude ~ that's "addiction" and "obsession".   and you could get into legal trouble if she pursues it. 

you asked for input, here it is:   consider yourself fortunate and take her advice:  take her at face value and move on.  like it's been suggested, take 6 weeks off to leave her alone and work on yourself.  NC doesn't have to be "forever" but right now you seem to b in a bad place.  give yourself the gift of NC.

this is the board where you will get support if you're not sure:  [L2] Undecided: Staying or Leaving

this is the board where you will get support if you want to stay in a relationship  [L5] Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner

but this board right here that you're posting on, this board is about Moving On.  that's why it's called [L3] Leaving: Detaching from the Wounds of a failed BPD Relationship.

what does it mean when they move out while your at work and never tell you it's over Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)?
Logged

In the eye for an eye game, he who cares least, wins. I, for one. am never stepping into the ring with someone who is impulsive and doesn't think of the downstream consequences.
guy4caligirl
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 692


« Reply #114 on: December 25, 2014, 08:16:19 PM »

just got another text  tonight .
Logged
hurting300
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1292



« Reply #115 on: December 25, 2014, 08:27:49 PM »

just got another text  tonight .

what. Did it say?
Logged

In the eye for an eye game, he who cares least, wins. I, for one. am never stepping into the ring with someone who is impulsive and doesn't think of the downstream consequences.
guy4caligirl
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 692


« Reply #116 on: December 25, 2014, 10:00:42 PM »

how was your Xmass ? I said good .
Logged
hurting300
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1292



« Reply #117 on: December 25, 2014, 10:30:56 PM »

how was your Xmass ? I said good .

I'm sorry, but I wouldn't take that. She's playing with you. She clearly told you to move on right? Now she's texting... .Give short replies don't over text her. You need to work on yourself and hope you find someone better. With all do respect that's just my opinion.
Logged

In the eye for an eye game, he who cares least, wins. I, for one. am never stepping into the ring with someone who is impulsive and doesn't think of the downstream consequences.
Infern0
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1520


« Reply #118 on: December 25, 2014, 10:58:49 PM »

Cali I'm just going to be straight up,  even if you could get her back you are in no fit state to handle a pwBPD relationship at this point in time.

I advise go NC,  work on yourself and if 3 months down the line you still keen then text her and see what happens.

Jus from reading your posts I sense real danger for you if you don't heal the emotional damage you've been dealt.
Logged
cosmonaut
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1057



« Reply #119 on: December 25, 2014, 11:20:18 PM »

Ah, the infamous borderline silent treatment.  Oh, you are indeed being punished, friend.  For sins your could never even imagine.  Things you never did, of course, but it hardly matters to her.  You are guilty and you will be mercilessly punished.  I've been there.  Almost an entire year now and not a word of contact.  She just up and disappeared one day.  It hurts worse than anything I've ever known, but while the pain never really goes away, you do get used to it.  Contacting her is only going to drive her further away.  Best thing you can do right now is to just step back, take a deep breath, and realize that this is going to last for a while.  Forever?  Maybe, maybe not.  But it is going to last for a while.  You can be sure of that.  You are are being punished and you will be punished as long as she decides you deserve to be punished.  Nothing you can do about it.  You are stirring up horrible feelings inside of her and that's all your fault.  At least it is in her head.  I'm really sorry, man.  I know it sucks.  And it hurts like hell.

Take the advice of the people on this forum and spend some time focusing on you.  I know you aren't going to forget her.  I haven't forgotten my ex either.  But I have made some positive changes in my life.  Do the same.  Work on you.  After you do, you will be a far more desirable man to her if she does come back and if not you are a far more desirable man for any woman.  You'll also be a better man for yourself!  There really is nothing you can do at this point to change her.  She's a very sick person and her thinking is deeply disordered.  She is seeing the world filtered through a lens of suspicion, betrayal, and paranoia.  You can't change that, man.  Neither can I.  All we can do is cope.  And work on us.

Merry Christmas and all the best in the coming year.  It does get easier.  Promise.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2021?

Pages: 1 ... 3 [4] 5  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2021 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
Andi1956
Anondad
Cnvi
doghouse
drained1996
EyesUp
Harri
JD2028
lovenature
Mac5
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
old97
P.F.Change
Skip
snowglobe
Swimmy55
Teno
Turkish
wendydarling

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!