Almost Three Weeks NC

[NonAverageJoe]

Tomorrow will be three weeks NC from my suspected but undiagnosed high functioning BPD/NPD EX-GF. She came back from a little over a month with her parents on a Saturday late November. I saw bad texts by accident the next day, she begged me to stay, the next day (Monday)she stayed out all night. Back and forth all week I caught her in lies. I ended things that Friday.

She feigned that it wasn't what she wanted etc. etc. So many inconsistencies and lies. The next night, I gave her an opportunity to prove me wrong, she proved me right my replacement was in the car, he told me they had been seeing each other for awhile and when pushed "two weeks". She was cold callous etc.

I did zero begging and pleading beyond tearfully trying to get her to prove me wrong that Saturday, when I was proved right I was done.

I was set to move the next day, she would very coldly text me "are you out yet?" "I'm sending (friend) to get my dog". I was already not speaking to her and I had my Mother communicating with her. I had help moving.

Long story short, she came back to discover I had taken something that was a mutual purchase (a bed) and she called the cops. The cops made fun of her and helped me move out.

What followed was a string of harassment and texts about little things that I either took accidentally or did not have. Threats, police reports (I knocked over a few things when I found out I was right) and the only time I broke NC without her initiation was about exchange of stuff because she had mentioned stuff I had forgotten. (Books and paperwork for one of my jobs)

It wasn't a perfect relationship and though I'm self-aware I have some NPD tendencies and I am actively trying to be a better person. As the fog cleared I realized so many things about her and how much emotional abuse I suffered. (I actively post on another major Heartbreak/Improvement forum online)

Our last interactions include her rubbing the new guy in my face (he always wants to hold me blah blah blah) yet denying sex, cheating etc. plus rewriting the history of our relationship, calling me crazy and a blood-curdling scream when I refused to accept her distorted telling of reality, having the new guy text me from her phone (supposedly) and following me outside when I dropped stuff off at her door only to text me hours later saying she "won't be dropping off my stuff because she doesn't have it, please stop communicating with her, thanks for dropping off my stuff" and texting me the next day after I told her Mother what happened and how ridiculous she was being (one text).

I stopped responding then. I actually found a couple of her things buried deep within my stuff yesterday (slowly unpacking as I'm working seven days a week) and dropped it off outside her apartment when nobody was home.

She lied to me about so many things and disrespected me in a way that I can not fully come to terms with yet. The rewriting of history, the text that didn't need to be sent, the following me outside it's all like some insane scramble for control. I'm not some beta shmuck though there were times her emotional abuse got to me and I was turning things around for her and I before she came back and before all this went down and she didn't even notice. We had fought a lot while she was on vacation but in the end I think she was messing around there too. So many things are now becoming clear.

She would rub things in my face that she had done but NOTHING was ever good enough unless it was done her way, nothing I did for her ever added up. Her need to try and tell me what to do in that last texts and attempt to define my reality was so disgusting. She was a crazy hard worker but I now see why. She was younger than I (7 years) but she lied about that too when we got together.

I guess I'm posting here because it's been really quiet after a lot of chaos. She moved my replacement in after I left. The one time I tried to give normal closure and a civil send off before the FOG cleared, her best "attempt" at an apology was "me too bye" and I now realize what sort of crazy person I was dealing with. The very next day she was right back to picking a fight (this was the phone call 4 days after it all went down and 4 days before my last initiated contact 3 weeks ago tomorrow)

This girl was amazing when good and could be a complete raging female dog when not. The last week I endured spitting, devaluation etc.

I would fight with her when she'd be raging and fight her to the point of her tears. I have many regrets but I know I need to heal now.

I would like some advice and some perspective in addition to an idea as to if I'll have to worry about her initiating contact again. I've blocked on FB but turned off the filter on my phone so I won't keep checking for an apology that is never going to come. Her extreme denial and rage in addition to her lashing out even after I had stopped or lashing out with things she knew would hurt me when I was trying to be quick and to the point by arranging stuff drop offs with no interaction.

[Mutt]

 

Hi NonAverageJoe,

You went through a lot

There are chances she may try to re-initiate contact or you may not hear from her a long period. It's hard to say.

I can relate. My ex moved in with the boyfriend she had in our marriage. She would contact me in divisive exchanges and had extinction bursts, I was bewildered with the behaviors. She was goading me with how things were much better with him. Hurtful stuff.

It's not to say your ex will, often members here have experienced them. Are you familiar with extinction bursts?

How are you coping in NC?

[NonAverageJoe]

I'm not familiar with extinction bursts though I have an idea as to what they could be. Please, elaborate.

I'm coping well. I try to remind myself she is sick. She has at one time or another displayed 9/9 of the DSM criteria and frequently used all or nothing statements, picked fights over nothing, lied for stupid reasons, gave gifts to people she barely knew or to get them to like her.

I'm sober for 6.5 years now. I had just taken another job to provide a great Christmas for her and I am just working 7 days a week going to make my dreams come true. When I heard, "I can do better than you." it hurt more than the prospect of being lied to and cheated on. It's not true and I refuse to let this break me.

Considering the theme of all of her contact (control, revenge etc.) it's hard to see where her head was at. The last time she contacted me I know it was because I told her Mother, I imagine her Mother didn't take my side but probably asked about it and that caused her to react and try to project on to me.

I ignored that and the contact the previous day after she had followed me outside and I took off like hell.

I swear she has driven by my work at least once though I could be paranoid. If I go near the part of town we lived together or do something for the first time without her I get a flashback.

I've been through break ups but this one was so much more different. My mind continues to become more and more clear and I realize just how much emotional abuse I was suffering.

[Mutt]

I'm happy to hear you're 6.5 years sober 

When I heard, "I can do better than you." it hurt more than the prospect of being lied to and cheated on.

I understand. I think you have a good idea with not letting it break you. It's OK to feel the hurt though. Go through the pain and not around it.

A behavior a pwBPD displays is dissociations. Dissociation is altering reality to match their out of place feelings. She feels shame and guilt for cheating and will dissociate those feelings by altering reality.

The last time she contacted me I know it was because I told her Mother, I imagine her Mother didn't take my side but probably asked about it and that caused her to react and try to project on to me.

I agree. Blood is thicker than water.

If I go near the part of town we lived together or do something for the first time without her I get a flashback.

Flashbacks or PTSD symptoms?

My mind continues to become more and more clear and I realize just how much emotional abuse I was suffering.

I can relate as many members do. The mind will clear up and you'll feel better.

Here's an article on extinction bursts.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Extinction Bursts

[NonAverageJoe]

I gave her multiple opportunities to come clean, and one opportunity to make things right and not leave but he was in the car with her so it was done.

I don't know about the shame or the guilt, hard to tell she rewrote history pretty hard and was cold/callous the last time we actually spoke in person.

I don't get the following me outside when I dropped her stuff off as per our arrangement and then withholding my stuff claiming she no longer had it. I assume it's control. I've been told it's probably just being held hostage for future contact which makes me want to puke.

She's with my replacement and yet she's holding my crap hostage. I keep dropping her stuff off, including things I don't need to. Her calling the cops and filing a report over a pill bottle I spilled was just so insulting and disgusting.

Within a week it's, "I want to marry you you're the love of my life." to cheating on me and splitting me the blackest of black and going out of her way to hurt me.

More PTSD symptoms though I get flashbacks to her raging.

[Beach_Babe]

I gave her multiple opportunities to come clean, and one opportunity to make things right and not leave but he was in the car with her so it was done.

Kudos to you  . I only wish I was this resolute.

[NYMike]

I gave her multiple opportunities to come clean, and one opportunity to make things right and not leave but he was in the car with her so it was done.

I don't know about the shame or the guilt, hard to tell she rewrote history pretty hard and was cold/callous the last time we actually spoke in person.

I don't get the following me outside when I dropped her stuff off as per our arrangement and then withholding my stuff claiming she no longer had it. I assume it's control. I've been told it's probably just being held hostage for future contact which makes me want to puke.

She's with my replacement and yet she's holding my crap hostage. I keep dropping her stuff off, including things I don't need to. Her calling the cops and filing a report over a pill bottle I spilled was just so insulting and disgusting.

Within a week it's, "I want to marry you you're the love of my life." to cheating on me and splitting me the blackest of black and going out of her way to hurt me.

More PTSD symptoms though I get flashbacks to her raging.

Hi There.

I am sorry you are in pain and confusion over this.It really does hurt a lot to think someone says I love you with all my heart and I want to marry you and 2 days later they are calling the police and hate you.Mine did the same thing.It was so confusing to me and painful.I started to lose grip of my own ''reality''.That is a scary place to be.I got very sick over this and I have now lost 35 lbs.

I do not have all the answers.I myself have 20 years sober.So Congrats on staying sober through this difficult time.

Mine is holding me hostage and will not come get her things out of my home.The police even contacted her to make arrangements and still no word.I have it all packed nice it is labeled and I took pictures and inventory.Then she put an Order Of Protection on me to make more DRAMA.

Hang in there and I finally opened my eyes that NC is the answer to all of this.Yes I love a mentally ill woman with all my heart and care a lot.But I just can't do it anymore and I can't ''fix'' it like I thought I could.They seem to love being unstable,full of drama and just can't do well in a stable comitted environment.They seem to love chaos in there life.

Letting go is the answer but very hard to do.Keep coming back and you may want to join the 90 NC challenge.

Please keep sharing with us.

[NonAverageJoe]

It's easy to stay NC knowing that she cheated on me, probably more than I know of, lied to me, spit on me, assaulted me and called the cops when I didn't do what she said, she deliberately said things to hurt me and even refused to return my belongings.

Today is my third week NC and nineteen days without contact from her. I believe this is a case of never speak again because I never backed down except over the stuff at the end, I didn't want anymore drama.

[Mutt]

I don't get the following me outside when I dropped her stuff off as per our arrangement and then withholding my stuff claiming she no longer had it. I assume it's control. I've been told it's probably just being held hostage for future contact which makes me want to puke.

She may be keeping your things because she's not letting go. A pwBPD lack impulse control and consequences of one's action and learning from them. It's this push / pull behavior that has you feeling like you're walking on eggshells.

NYMike mentioned the police contacted his ex. Have you called the cops to get your things out or given thought to calling them? Everyone's ex is different, she may relinquish your belongings. Is she withholding things of value?

[NonAverageJoe]

Several hundred dollars worth of books and some identity sensitive paperwork for work that may or may not be required in the future. Small chance like one percent.

I just don't want to react. The books can be replaced.

If I've been replaced and she is refusing to let go then I don't even understand why she would have brought them up threatening to have my replacement drop it off. I don't think she quite grasps that despite my efforts and actions I'm done with her and she lost me not the other way around.

Either way, I refuse to react now. She may have to deal with my main place of employ soon if she does not pay her bill there, I saved her thousands and she could lose her car over it so I may experience backlash over that. I'm not going to accept her projections at all not even going to refute anything. I will not respond to anything short of I'm sorry or I was wrong/need help and I will kindly say I forgive you please seek therapy, sobriety, abstinence and solitude.

[NonAverageJoe]

The urge to lash out just cropped up. I'm shooting it down. She doesn't deserve any attention from me.

[Xidion]

Joe,  I'm right there with you man.  I'm 21 days no contact after being replaced. She's already ina relationship with him and idealizing him. I've had so many weak moments where I wanted to contact her, but it would do no good at all. Stay strong,  brother.

[NonAverageJoe]

My sole source of solace is the fact that I never backed down, I didn't accept her projections I didn't defend when she tried to call me immature or define how things would go.

I've been the better person. Selfish to a point but nowhere near as petty. My Mother is convinced the holidays will trigger her in someway. She is knowledgeable about mental illness but she thinks it's very wise for me to get out of town for Christmas.

I'm three weeks NC thirty days from the breakup, there were five days NC mostly consecutive the first week too.

The things she said were so delusional. The way she followed me those last two texts, she's living in psycho land with nothing but enablers surrounding her.

[Xidion]

I know all too well about enablers.  Her step mom buys into all her lies and supports her no matter what she does. Whether it's reckless or not. I doubt I hear from mine on holidays. She is wrapped up with the replacement.  She has done some very noticeable drive bys,  though. At my work and even at a friends house several miles away.

[NonAverageJoe]

In my paranoia I think that she drove by once. I've had some phantom views on my dating profile and I get weird texts from spammers but that is it.

[Xidion]

Can't figure out crazy... .

[Mutt]

Hi NonAverageJoe,

I can relate. I was the type that never backed down. My ex taught me many valuable lessons. One lesson was of less resistance and accepting how things are. Perhaps you may learn this lesson.

It's absolutely alright to feel angry at her. Wounds need time to heal. Anger is a part of the 5 stages of grieving. You suffered loss.

“Water is fluid, soft, and yielding. But water will wear away rock, which is rigid and cannot yield. As a rule, whatever is fluid, soft, and yielding will overcome whatever is rigid and hard. This is another paradox: what is soft is strong. ~Lao Tzu

[NonAverageJoe]

The nerve of some of the retarded things she said and did when she could have just broken up with me and I'd have walked away. The nerve of her justification, the nerve of the hate and anger when she was in the wrong.

I returned her laptop freshly back from the warranty place and she can't even give me my damn books back. God almighty I want to go back to the acceptance/forgiveness state of things.

[Mutt]

I understand. It's frustrating when we act kindly towards a loved one and that act of kindness is invalidated. It's hurtful when someone doesn't act accordingly. It's OK to be angry. The feelings shall pass in time.

[NonAverageJoe]

It's not even about accordingly it's about acting with an ounce of damn decency. I gave her a clean split. She didn't get everything her way but she also didn't get cheated on and I didn't attempt to play her like a sucker.

[Mutt]

It's not even about accordingly it's about acting with an ounce of damn decency. I gave her a clean split. She didn't get everything her way but she also didn't get cheated on and I didn't attempt to play her like a sucker.

You took the high road NonAverageJoe.

[NonAverageJoe]

I'm so mad right now out of nowhere. I'm so irritated and disgusted that I had sex with her or loved her. Yet I still hope she gets help someday.

[Mutt]

I can relate. I was hurt when my ex left. Anger can be a mask for hurt. That being said, I worked with a P then a T to sort of check-in once in awhile. It really helped. Are you seeing a T? I used the boards as well during this time.

2 short/simple things on the subject that I was told:

Anger is really masked hurt - once you let the hurt out, the anger will subside.

Resentment is equal to me taking poison and expecting you to die - not really helpful.

Anger is a healthy and necessary STAGE - but not a good place to live.  Anger will cause us to act in a way that usually protects us for the short term.  Get to the root and we get to the hurt.

SELF-AWARE: Has the anger gone too far?

I also felt I wanted her to get help. It took time for me to work through the anger stage and grieve the loss of a relationship. Reading about the disorder helped to make sense of what I had gone through and depersonalize her behaviors. It takes time. Taking care of yourself is important when we suffer loss.

[NonAverageJoe]

Her deliberate attempts to hurt me were evil. Disorder or not. Straight evil.

I'm ready to be over this.

[Mutt]

How'd she hurt you? I understand she kept your things. It helps to get things off of our chest with people that share similar experiences.

[NonAverageJoe]

She cheated on me, she came home after staying out all night and tried to kiss me I brushed her off stating I didn't know where her mouth had been.

She tried to play me for a sucker and get me to stay another month, she tried to feign that she didn't want to break up, she called the cops on me for taking the bed in both of our names (my credit is NOT going to be in somebody else's hands and she is not going to bang other dudes on my bed), she filed police reports, she deliberately tried to hurt me after I was already NC and TRIED to be civil and wish her well despite my pain.

She followed me outside when I dropped the stuff off and when I drove off hours later she claimed she no longer had my stuff because I didn't talk to her? Because I wouldn't beg? Because I called her on all of her BS?

How stupid do you get? Apparently as dumb as me to believe all of the crap, to excuse her lies early on thinking she just liked me so much she would have said anything to impress me. I'm so irritated at myself. I took her back once and she probably was banging other dudes then, that is when the devaluing began full steam.

All the lies, emotional infidelity, physical infidelity so much drama. She could have walked away cleanly so many times but she chose to always play games claim she wanted to date but not live together. Un-friggin-real.

[Mutt]

Lying and infidelity's tough.

Don't be hard on yourself.

[NonAverageJoe]

I want to be completely moved on now. I want to be over this. I want this bad.

[Mutt]

I'm sorry to hear of your pain

[NonAverageJoe]

I don't feel so much pain just anger. I feel insulted. I didn't fall for it but I'm still insulted.

[Xidion]

I don't feel so much pain just anger. I feel insulted. I didn't fall for it but I'm still insulted.

I right there with you, Joe. I can't wait for this to all be over. I had a dream last night that I had a confrontation with my replacement and beat the ___ out of him. I can't sleep well, I have trouble breathing from anxiety. I know she is spending every free second with him, and that's what hurts the most. I have never been replaced so quickly before and had it rubbed in my face. I think about this every second that I'm awake. I even went on a date and couldn't get it off of my mind. Know this, no matter how hard we tried or no matter what we could have done, the illness would have won in the end. Try to seperate your brain from your heart right now and listen to your brain. We have been through a truly traumatic experience.

[Mutt]

I don't feel so much pain just anger. I feel insulted. I didn't fall for it but I'm still insulted.

You were wronged. You been through a lot.

We have been through a truly traumatic experience.

Xidion's right. It's traumatic.

Keep posting. It helps to talk.

Hang in there.

--Mutt

[NonAverageJoe]

Sometimes I'm still in shock about it all.

[NonAverageJoe]

I just woke from a nightmare that she had also seduced my best friend and he insulted me too.

I cried in my dream and woke up with my heart pounding. I've never been through anything like this.

[NYMike]

I just woke from a nightmare that she had also seduced my best friend and he insulted me too.

I cried in my dream and woke up with my heart pounding. I've never been through anything like this.

You are not alone.I,too wake up with dreams of her and I holding each other in bed and cuddling like we used too.

Then I wake up and I am alone and my heart pounding.I am hoping this will all pass as long as I continue NC.

[peiper]

I just woke from a nightmare that she had also seduced my best friend and he insulted me too.

I cried in my dream and woke up with my heart pounding. I've never been through anything like this.

You are not alone.I,too wake up with dreams of her and I holding each other in bed and cuddling like we used too.

Then I wake up and I am alone and my heart pounding.I am hoping this will all pass as long as I continue NC.

I really think the dreams are a symptom of PTSD, which I have no doubt that I have.

[CloseToFreedom]

Almost a month out and I still have the dreams/nightmares at well. I often dream we're back together again, just like we've came back together for 10 times. Waking up feels terrible, realising it was a dream, while the feeling was so real... .

You are not alone. We all go through it.

[Xidion]

I had the dreams for the first 2 weeks of post bu,  then they stopped.  But the last 2 nights the dreams are coming back. Last night's dream,  I stole her car,  and she showed up with my replacement.  The dream was all about avoiding her and trying to get away with stealing her car. Weird.

[NonAverageJoe]

The dream about her and my best friend was horrific considering she used to say that if she had met him first she would have gotten with him but would also criticize his lack of a job etc.

The dream was stupid vivid and my friend even said, "You think you're better than everybody." There is more to it but I don't want to go into all of it. Luckily right now I have no interaction and she's gone. After a ton of nearly psychotic, vindictive, raging, unnecessary and heartless behavior I'm free.

[NonAverageJoe]

Spoke with the friend about the dream. He chuckled but told me that no matter what he saw me grow throughout the relationship and that last day when she called the cops she viewed with nothing but contempt.

He agreed that her following me out and those last two texts were her attempting to illicit a response and maintain some semblance of control.

I read on another thread about not playing to any of the roles, persecutor, victim of rescuer.

I realize now that I am the persecutor in her mind and when we last spoke my refusal to play that role by throwing her denial in her face is likely what elicited that scream of self hate.

I realize that by telling her Mother it was a good reason for her to try and put me back in that role.

I think at some point she was close to normal and she is going to have to go it alone now with enablers, users and sycophants instead of a real man, something she could never comprehend was that no real man spends all his time working or with his SO you have to have outside interests.

I think I'm safe from contact for a while but my friend gave me solid advice, he said when the time comes suggest therapy neutrally and keep moving on.

[NonAverageJoe]

I almost broke NC just now. I was thinking of a text.

It would have read:

"I'm aware we're done and over. I left you for cheating, just because I gave you a chance to prove me wrong and you proved me right therefore hurting me doesn't mean that I didn't leave you. I realize now just how deep your depravity goes. Those calls at three and four am crying. I imagine you had just got done having unprotected sex. Your demand that I finish inside of you when you returned was likely out of fear from being pregnant by someone else or just to get pregnant while you attempted to put your hooks in an easier mark. Finally, if I look like a lunatic to someone as delusional and mentally ill as you I'll take that as a compliment. I now realize that you never loved me and the majority of the negative things you had to say that were not rooted in observation were clearly your projected self hate, shame and loathing. I'm not perfect but I was trying and you couldn't have cared less. I now realize who you were texting after we first had sex. Goodbye is our always."

[NonAverageJoe]

Please someone tell me not to lash out.

[Xidion]

Please someone tell me not to lash out.

Stay cool man. You will be fine. Don't break your no contact streak. You will either get ignored or get something back that will anger you even further. Also don't hate yourself, it's normal to want to text her. Don't give her the satisfaction of knowing she has affected you. Because it will... .the best way for her to know you aren't affected is silence.

[NonAverageJoe]

I'm just pissed off still about her following me outside and then texting me hours later claiming she didn't have my stuff.

I think I'm finally firmly rooted in the anger stage which is ironic because this is where I started. I'm either going to call the sheriff tomorrow or have my mother try and get my books.

[Xidion]

I'm just pissed off still about her following me outside and then texting me hours later claiming she didn't have my stuff.

I think I'm finally firmly rooted in the anger stage which is ironic because this is where I started. I'm either going to call the sheriff tomorrow or have my mother try and get my books.

However you go about it, I would try to do it through a 3rd party like you're talking about. Any face to face interaction with her right now would probably be bad. Maybe call the sheriff and explain the situation and see if there is anything that they can do.

[NonAverageJoe]

I'll talk to my mother in the morning. I don't want to let this slide.

It's sad how she pulled this crap. I think that she was expecting a response. Expecting me to be jealous or get angry again.

[NYMike]

I'll talk to my mother in the morning. I don't want to let this slide.

It's sad how she pulled this crap. I think that she was expecting a response. Expecting me to be jealous or get angry again.

That's what they do.They LOVE the negative attention and response.Do not fall for this like NYMIKE did.

I fell right into her trap and snapped.Now I have an Order Of Protection and Courts and Lawayers to buy.More drama.

Once I snapped it feed her being the ''victim'' and never owning her responsibility.In her mind it was 100% me and now all she has to do is tell the world I am a stalker,abusive etc etc etc and show the world her Order Of Protection on me.This justify's all her crappy sick behaviors.Now she can run to people and play victim and she will find a new person to co-sign all her crap and ''save the day''.Until the new person catches on that she is DISORDERED like I did.

Don't fall into this trap and stay Cool and Calm.Don't give her the power to run your emotions like I did.I am sorry I ever allowed this NUT JOB to run my emotions the way she did.

I hope that helped I bit

NYMIKE

[peace28]

My ex tried to force herself on me to "finish" inside her so I could get her pregnant.  Of course I refused.  This was after she came home from a weekend away with her "new guy".  I know you are hurting but know that you are much stronger than she is.  She does things out of weakness, not strength.  Good for you staying NC.  You give her your power if you break that code of conduct.  Stay strong my friend, you will prevail in this.

[Mutt]

Please someone tell me not to lash out.

I'd like to show you tools to cope with this NonAverageJoe when you feel triggered.

Mindfulness.

TOOLS: Triggering, Mindfulness, and the Wise Mind

I'd also like to point out at my signature. What does it say?

Let go or be dragged. What does this mean?

"The Zen teaching of non-attachment is very similar to the teaching of Taoism. The Tao Te Ching, an ancient Taoist classic, says, “when the sage walks, he leaves no footprints behind.” What does this mean? It does not mean that when the Taoist sage goes for a walk one would never be able to find the imprints of his feet on the ground. The sage is human like us, and so he has footprints.

"What the statement means is that in his journey through life the sage leaves no traces of desire and attachment clinging to him as he lives from moment to moment. Life is following, always changing, and the sage never looks back to the moment which has sped by, nor does he look forward to the moment which lies ahead. Rather, he lives in the present, flowing along in harmony with the rhythm of life, appreciating each moment for what it is worth and allowing it to pass on quickly to be replaced by the next.” – THICH THIEN AN

I'll take your ex keeping your things as an example. What's the trigger and the source of stress? Your welcome to add more.

I'm just pissed off still about her following me outside and then texting me hours later claiming she didn't have my stuff.

The anxiety, stress and anger lies in a past event. A way to cope is to shift your mind to the present moment and focus on the now. Letting go of the past.

The Mind is a Friend, Lover, Torturer, and Teacher

Our mind is the source of all misery and of all pleasure. People don’t effectively hurt our feelings or anyone to inspire us.

Our mind is the source of all misery and of all pleasure. People don’t effectively hurt our feelings or inspire us. People can offer us their opinions,  it is only that which the mind decides has any relevance that we take on for ourselves.  Only the mind that can complement us, insult us, lift us, or destroy us.

We can influence this.

A snippet from the mindfulness article. The mind can be a friend, lover, torturer, and teacher. We can influence this.

In this case, it's torturing your thoughts?

The reality is she followed you outside, texted hours later and dissociated her feelings and said that she didn't have them. This is a past event. Accepting things for how they are. The attachment is what is triggering your feelings.

Can you change this? Can you get your ex to validate or come clean that she was "dissociating"? This is how she interprets reality. This is very real to her, just as your reality is to you. It's accepting that it's not something you can control.

I'm either going to call the sheriff tomorrow or have my mother try and get my books.

I like this. So you have two choices you've decided and we don't know the outcome of either. Again, you can use mindfulness accepting you've made decisions and focusing in the present moment.

It's flowing with reality, instead of against reality that alleviates stress or "non-attachment." You can't control past events, you can choose to let go of the attachment of this event and be mindful in the present moment.

Mindfulness takes practice. When I get triggered with something I can't control, I use mindfulness to re-center and let go of something that's simply not in my control and be in the present moment. It's alleviated 90% of the stress I experience in daily life. It's not to say it makes life trouble free or "nonstop joy" it simply makes it easier to cope with day to day life. At least that's how I find it.

The goals of mindfulness practice are simply to practice and to experience “Wise Mind”. You’re in Wise Mind when your emotions and your thoughts work together so that wise action is easy, even when your life and/or circumstances are really hard. You’re in Wise Mind when you can meet each moment of life as it is, not as you would have it be, and respond to it skillfully.

Notice that we’re not saying the goal of mindfulness practice is happiness or having a life free from trouble or having an experience of nonstop joy. However, people who practice mindfulness will tell you that they get better at enduring pain, better at solving problems, better at not creating misery for themselves, and better at participating fully in those moments of life that are joyful.

The disorder taught me many lessons. One lesson is mindfulness. Accepting things for what they are. Letting go of things I cannot control. Knowing that I have a choice to make it personal or not personal with how I let my mind influence this. I hope that helps.


--Mutt

[NonAverageJoe]

I went to a movie with my brother and my best friend and his brother. I could hear my ego throughout the entire movie and in a very revolver-esque moment I told him I can hear him and to be quiet.

I could rip her to shreds but I've done enough. I got away clean and I put her bull back in her face plenty of times, it doesn't matter what I say or do she'll exercise more denial and play the victim. She's probably waiting for me to snap. I won't do it.

I need to let that stuff go. If she tries to use it to contact me later I will deal with that when and if it comes.

I am not the loser in this scenario because I opted out when I wasn't treated right. She is the loser. I did the right thing and I did some selfish things too. I am responsible for my feelings based upon my investments. She was a bad emotional investment. I'm free of her while she will never be free of herself until she wakes up.

I can't give her the satisfaction. I've been too strong to break now. The law has been on my side. I exposed her to her grandparents for scamming them out of money and I told her parents about her bs.

I need to remember that I opted out because she didn't treat me good enough.

[Xidion]

I went to a movie with my brother and my best friend and his brother. I could hear my ego throughout the entire movie and in a very revolver-esque moment I told him I can hear him and to be quiet.

I could rip her to shreds but I've done enough. I got away clean and I put her bull back in her face plenty of times, it doesn't matter what I say or do she'll exercise more denial and play the victim. She's probably waiting for me to snap. I won't do it.

I need to let that stuff go. If she tries to use it to contact me later I will deal with that when and if it comes.

I am not the loser in this scenario because I opted out when I wasn't treated right. She is the loser. I did the right thing and I did some selfish things too. I am responsible for my feelings based upon my investments. She was a bad emotional investment. I'm free of her while she will never be free of herself until she wakes up.

I can't give her the satisfaction. I've been too strong to break now. The law has been on my side. I exposed her to her grandparents for scamming them out of money and I told her parents about her bs.

I need to remember that I opted out because she didn't treat me good enough.

Find something to get your aggression out on. I started lifting weights. When I start struggling, I think about how she looked at me when she left me and it pushes me to be able to lift more. It's amazing. I'm also picking up boxing. Whatever it may be... focus all of the aggression on something beneficial to you.

[NonAverageJoe]

I'll be having a lawyer friend of mine send her a letter with a follow up call. I've seen her react terribly to this stuff before, it's indirect doesn't involve my family and cheap.

He's doing it for the cost of lunch.

[NonAverageJoe]

I'm having second thoughts about having my lawyer friend send the letter. Having dropped off all of her stuff with the last of it being last Friday and still not having my books and being 100% NC for over three weeks now with no desire to try and pick a fight which is what I'm sure she was trying to do with her last two texts since I flat out drove away when she walked outside.

I think I could let it go if I convinced myself it's a victory, I'm concerned she may use it to try and contact me.

I'm open and receptive to opinions.

[Xidion]

I'm having second thoughts about having my lawyer friend send the letter. Having dropped off all of her stuff with the last of it being last Friday and still not having my books and being 100% NC for over three weeks now with no desire to try and pick a fight which is what I'm sure she was trying to do with her last two texts since I flat out drove away when she walked outside.

I think I could let it go if I convinced myself it's a victory, I'm concerned she may use it to try and contact me.

I'm open and receptive to opinions.

If you're okay with nit getting the books back, I would suggest not doing anything at all. No matter how it's done, she will connect it to you and try to start drama, since that's what they thrive on. It's your call, but any more drama may set you back in your recovery.

[NonAverageJoe]

I'm really conflicted. Part of me wants to stay quiet to see if she re-engages and the other part of me wants to stay as strong as I've been. This girl only got one row of tears out of me and they dried up faster than you can say, "He's in the car."

I stumbled upon photos on my pc and freaked out. I cried. I couldn't look at them, I couldn't delete them I just closed the folder as quick as I could.