An apology and a request for your insight, perspective & valued wisdom

[NewWays]

I must apologize to all of you and the BPD Family team for being inexcusably late on making my annual contribution.  So Skip, Forever Dad, Lived n Learned and all…I just finished making my largest amount ever and I still feel I owe more!

I of all people clearly understand the important need to give back to something that has helped me immensely after I first hit the brick wall and had what I call as my “WOW” moment when BPD came into my understanding after all of the years the relationship, marriage, divorce and post-divorce dynamic and the impact of the same.

Not been around much lately.  In looking back, the last 9 months have been challenging.  Just after the divorce, I survived a downsizing and re-organization where I work, dealt with all of the challenges of post-divorce financial reality and last but not least after more than 8 months of dealing with trying to sell our house that has drained me financially I realized I needed reach out for a little help from my BPD Family friends!

Help me understand what recently just evolved in an email exchange reminding me that the mortgage payment was late 1 day (it was late) was totally unacceptable and reminded me of the annual insurance premium due on the house and not to be late with it!

After all that has happened, the email I received from my former wife further reminded me not to ever forget that I am the most terrible of terrible monsters because of my trumping up the self-serving concerns that our marriage was in serious trouble and we both needed to take action. (What motivated that?)

She made it clear that I tried to wrongly believe that she might be suffering from BPD and that we both needed to seek out comprehensive counseling, and…that after she came to her senses after the one and only visit to a quack therapist (a prominent university BPD therapist) advised her that she needed to be on some initial medications helped her clearly recall that it was me that was the cause of our disintegrating marriage and I never should forget that!

After one last reminder by my former wife, that even though I was financially strapped, being late on any payments was unacceptable she offered the following comments:

1.   Advised me that her two dogs, (Ebony and Ivory…(we were best buds…they both loved me and they also loved all the place I took them on our walks) were in declining health and that the vet was going to be upfront and honest with her when he believed they were suffering.

2.   Told me if I needed any help I could count on her and…she would always be there for me!  WHAT?

Here is the real KICKER…

3.   Asked me if I wanted to see the dogs as I knew them…before they began to see major health declines! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

WHAT?

NewWays

[ForeverDad]

Welcome back!  It's clear that anything filtered through your ex will be distorted by her perceptions and clearly not reality.  Unless you speak with the therapist and therapist actually includes your input in his/her assessment, you really don't know the full story.  Ordering meds may help moderate some of the behaviors, but it's not a cure or fix.

Similar with the dogs, unless you speak with the vet, you don't know the whole story, nor even whether she is doing anything or failing to do anything that is impacting their health.

It is what it is, she is what she is, protests notwithstanding.

[livednlearned]

It sounds like a classic manipulative email to hook you. When I went away on work trips, my ex would tell me something bad happened to my dog, but then wouldn't tell me what it was. "If you cared about C, you wouldn't be indulging in your ego-fest and ignoring everyone who is trying to clean up your mess." Stuff like that.   

Whatevs.

Even after the divorce, my ex still engaged the same way, as though we were still together. I think because feelings = facts for people with BPD, the chronological order is almost meaningless. It doesn't matter that you aren't married anymore, the only thing that counts is that your ex is experiencing a feeling, and you are the person who represents the closest ring of intimacy, so you get an email that is a distorted way of basically saying, "I'm alone, I have bad feelings, I have no self, I am afraid." Emotional range is not wide or deep for people with BPD, nor are the coping mechanisms to deal with the more painful negative feelings like loneliness, fear, and sadness. She looks for something that will elicit strong feelings in your (the dogs) and tries to evoke your guilt and sympathy. And you pride yourself on being a kind and compassionate person, and it pains you to have to be something other than who you feel you are, which you have to do to some extent when detaching from a person with BPD.

While you detach, it's best to ignore these kinds of messages and not engage. Take time to establish a big wide moat so you can learn in very obvious ways what a boundary looks like. This is part of the learning curve. Over time, as you begin to internalize better boundaries, you can engage in ways that are more in accord with your values.

Pets evoke really strong feelings in us, and it could also be that the dogs really are not doing well, and your ex is reminiscing in her own distorted BPD way, and you are woven into those feelings and memories. My dog is 15 and she is so tied into my marriage -- when she passes it will be like the end of an era, including all the fraught memories and painful things that happened. N/BPDx threw her against a wall one night  :'( :'( :'( and his favorite refrain was, "you love the dog more than me" like they were siblings. And yet, he was involved in raising her, and took her on long walks. She was part of the family, and the dysfunction, and the memories. 

[NewWays]

ForeverDad and livednlearned... .

Thank you for your insight.

ForeverDad... .

During the very short time she was seeing the therapist, he saw me a couple of times... .more for discussion as to what a family member of a person disordered with BPD should have for my support and key warnings he outlined to me that I should always immediately notify him of any discussion or comments by her about hurting herself and/or feeling like she does not want to be around or feels like things are not real.  Later on just before she "disgorged" the therapist, she started to talk about how she wished she had been stillborn on her birth date.  I did not know much then and called the therapist and I got totally blasted for doing what she outlined was such a "stupid and out-of-control response on my part"  One of the most frustrating times of my life... .felt I really needed to try and help... .but got my chops busted for doing what I thought was right.  Little did I know... .this was for sure my first glimpse of what I would experience many times later of confusion and feeling like I was walking on egg shells when was only trying to do things right!  I am really trying to move on but do seek understanding from you and your team that helps provide me clarity that some of these behaviors are what they are because of the disorder and that is all you can really say.

Livednlearned... .

I understand the manipulation strategy... .but in her last months before the divorce was final was filled with her claiming that she really loves the fact that she will be on her own and not have to worry about a partner or husband and really doesn't need anybody!  And you may be right that the loneliness may be seeping through... .but I told her that I understood her concern for the dogs and that they were a part of our lives, but really had no interest in seeing the dogs or her... .since all of those things no longer are a part of my live and I really wanted to move on .  The text message I sent was clear and was very simple and to the point that it was really the best thing for me to work hard at really moving on.

Is this trying to engage strategy of hers... .even after the divorce is over now more than 8 months... .what is she trying to manipulate me to actually do?

NewWays

[livednlearned]

Is this trying to engage strategy of hers... .even after the divorce is over now more than 8 months... .what is she trying to manipulate me to actually do?

It's hard to know why she might be manipulating you, but it could be that she is not manipulating you to do anything. She might be manipulating reality to fit her feelings. Maybe she experienced some supremely uncomfortable feelings, perhaps she allowed herself to think about the possibility of her being BPD. Maybe she had a moment where she thought about her actions, a close call with the cause-effect of her behavior, and BPD being what it is, and her not being in treatment, she rejected the thought that she might be culpable for anything, including the divorce. You represent someone who has knowledge of that diagnosis, and she perceives anyone with intimate knowledge of her innermost self as a threat, so she attacked you.

I'm just guessing. We all do this to some extent -- an unpleasant truth about ourselves might float up from the depths, and we brush it away because it's threatening or painful, or perhaps it isn't true. But with BPD, the triggers are felt more intensely, the emotional reactivity is greater, the return to baseline is slower. And it's always someone else's fault  

[NewWays]

livednlearned... .

After all the times I have been coming to this site... .I learn something every single time I read the input, comments and explanations from you, Skip, ForeverDad and all... .that is a constant reminder just how ignorant I was about BPD let alone how it impacts relationships and appears and seriously impacts personal and couple behaviors and the relationship.

I clearly understand your explanation... .yet very hard to see her having a moment where she actually possesses any empathy, remorse or objective assessment of what the reality of what existed both before and during the time we were married.

If we are fortunate and the house sells... .I'm hopeful that her reasons for contact with me will be over.

I still think of you and everyone else that has traveled this path... .and give thanks each and every day that we never had the children I wanted.

I really do not know how those that have children and experience all the related interaction both during and after the divorce that the disordered person forces upon the children... .makes me literally stop and want to pray for thanks as to just how lucky I am... .cause I could never carry out that task if we had children that were forced to go through this crap... .I just do not see how you all do it!

NewWays

[NewWays]

All... .

The house finally sold!

I thank the Lord... .but still I am taken back on just how much of a loss it was sold at since we purchased it in 2007 prior to the 2008 melt down of the economy and real estate all across the U.S.  Even with some of the slow recovery and value coming back to the market since then, the huge difference between what the final sales price was versus the price we originally purchased at still can make me feel like at times that the light I think I see at the end of the tunnel is really a train coming straight at me at 80 m.p.h.!

We purchased the property with a very large down payment.  The down payment funds came from my savings.  After the total collapse of our relationship and the ending of our marriage and now finally the sale of our house with such a major financial loss... .does at times seem to stir up some of the previous anger and resentment that were common feelings when I first had that "Oh My God" moment when I understood that my wife suffered from BPD and the fact that I also had a role in the dysfunction and our marriage was in a steep dive that could only end in a inevitable and catastrophic crash.

The sale has put the self talk script of "How in the hell could you ever be a part of this and allow this all to happen" back into parts of my sub-conscious PowerPoint presentation.

I again review and re-read many of the articles here on ending such a relationship including "Leaving:  Detaching from the wounds of a failed BPD relationship" and "Surviving a break-up with someone suffering with BPD"

After the sale I really had too much self-talk of "How could you have let this all happen"?  I know my objective should not be self-recrimination, but a focus on insight and self-discovery and healing.

Any additional insight and/or wisdom that any of you can offer that may help me further understand and accept it is what it is... .and to move on past this... .giving my healing and growth the greatest chance for success?


NewWays

Best wishes to you and those you love this Holiday Season for all to have good health, happiness and the best 2015 ever!