A Period of Devaluation and the Final Discard

[confused1730]

It is two months since I actually saw my ex uBPD girlfriend. We broke up then as I said I was "emotionally withdrawing" due to the constant bullying and disproportionate attacks for the so called things I had done in the relationship. A week before this despite her venomous and vitriolic spiteful attacks at me "I hate you so much but you are under my skin" there is no doubt that I was trying hard to please her. She was convinced she could not be with me as she "didn't trust me" said I was like an "actor in the room" just saying the right things and that she could not move from "the things I had done in the relationship" - note no cheating, no lies just not living up to mind glowingly huge expectations as "she was worth more" and " deserved better". My feeling during this whole period was that she was slowly emotionally withdrawing and actually seeking a replacement - whichI understand she has. What i find very difficult to grasp how she has turned so nasty and vitriolic to me in the couple of text messages she exchanged wit me in the last two months... .very personal, nasty and attacking in nature. Is this the norm? Is a final discard such that they turn this way? Clearly I was split black but is this forever? Is it normal or does that die off? Plus, do they keep tabs on their ex partners, or return... .even months down the line?

[downwhim]

Experienced the exact same thing. Painted me black two months before break up. MIA for many things, unexcused absences, lying, picking fights, making my life miserable. He all but told me to end the relationship so he would not have to. He had found my replacement and was trying to get free... .

I got on anti anxiety pills, could not sleep, he withheld sex and gave me the silent treatment in between rages. This is how they disengage. It is so... .ugly.

Sorry for your pain. I feel it too.

[NYMike]

Experienced the exact same thing. Painted me black two months before break up. MIA for many things, unexcused absences, lying, picking fights, making my life miserable. He all but told me to end the relationship so he would not have to. He had found my replacement and was trying to get free... .

I got on anti anxiety pills, could not sleep, he withheld sex and gave me the silent treatment in between rages. This is how they disengage. It is so... .ugly.

Sorry for your pain. I feel it too.

Yes.I was called an abusive man,mentally ill man and she withdrew from me.Then she went MIA for many things,unexcused absences,lied to me,picked fights with me and it sent me into a severe depression.One day she loves me and the next I am tossed away and she is gone.Then she reappeared and I took her in and she told me all I wanted to hear then abandoned again.

It was the worst painful ride I put myself on.I jumped on the ''crazy train'' and I should of not done this to myself.The red flags were beating me over the head early on but I was LONELY and single for 3 years and doing well for myself.

I got on anti depressents and I am going to T every week.I lost 35 lbs and I sank to a new low.I reacted in utter hurt and pain and it all came out in ANGER.I then got an Order Of Protection because she says she ''fears for her life''... .

In this whole process she was out looking for any replacement she could find.A Place to live,a new man or new opportunity.She kept her hook in me ''just in case'' because she knows I love her,i am stable and I have money.This explains why she prolly kept her belongings at my home and does not come and get them.Sad to say this but that is what happened.That was a very hard pill for me to swallow.

The drama continues and I am strict NC and hope this all passes and I can heal from this woman.In her mind I am the worst of the worst and she wants to destroy me.

I have to stay on guard because everyone is telling me that she is not done with me and she will return.That is so scary because I am still very weak.

[confused1730]

The bit that interests me is that even after the discard why is there such vitriol and animosity? Is it the way they justify to themselves?

Also, does it last forever, or more likely till a replacement does not live up to expectations and they then start to try and re-engage?

[NYMike]

The bit that interests me is that even after the discard why is there such vitriol and animosity? Is it the way they justify to themselves?

Also, does it last forever, or more likely till a replacement does not live up to expectations and they then start to try and re-engage?

That is my question.I Don't have that kind of HATE towards her but boy does she have it towards me.

I have sat her down and gone over this over and over.I have offered councling,a pastor and everything you could imagine.I covered all angles to try to work this out.I prolly would still try and sit down like a mature human being and talk to her but I am NC and don't think she is capable.

I cryed in front of her,begged and did almost anything to try to get her to see the light and convince her I am in her corner all the way.It got me knowhere.It seemed the more I loved her the more she HATED ME.So letting go may be the answer.

I was told by a couple friends and my T this is her own SELF HATE that she is projecting on to me.They told me SHE HATES HERSELF.So I am going with that for now.

I am not sure if that is the answer but it may be close when I hear this from a T and a couple friends.

Another thought is this.It is EASY to BLAME someone else and cry VICTIM then look at themselves and the bad behaviors that destroyed,yet another person trying to love them.My EX seems to be a professional victim.One of the red flaga I missed is she blamed every single man dating back to 1985.

So chances are she will find a man to co-sign all her BS and then he will get what I got with all these screwed up bad behaviors,lies,distortion,push/pull,abandonement and manipulation.

It almost goes without saying.It is very sad they live there lives in self destruction and never OWN how they hurt the people in there path.

[confused1730]

It appears that she will just go through the same cycle with all partners... .past behaviour is a good predictor of the future in her case. I have a horrible feeling though that she keeps tabs on ex's... .she seemed to know what all her ex's were doing when I was with her which I found a bit unusual... .is it because they can try to re-engage down the line?

[jhkbuzz]

The bit that interests me is that even after the discard why is there such vitriol and animosity? Is it the way they justify to themselves?

Also, does it last forever, or more likely till a replacement does not live up to expectations and they then start to try and re-engage?

I was told by a couple friends and my T this is her own SELF HATE that she is projecting on to me.They told me SHE HATES HERSELF.So I am going with that for now.

I am not sure if that is the answer but it may be close when I hear this from a T and a couple friends.

Yes... .hard not to take personally, but it is true.  None of it is personal.  It is the nature of the disorder.  It has happened in her other relationships, and it will happen in future relationships.  There is nothing you can do, or could have done, to prevent this.  Take care of yourself now.

I've been reading the posts of someone with the username of 2010 - they are incredibly insightful and may help:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?action=profile;u=38193;sa=showPosts

[PaintedBlack28]

... is it because they can try to re-engage down the line?

I think they always keep some as options should the need arise...

[Hawk Ridge]

I went through a similar devaluation and then a period of coldness for about 4 months.  Since then, she has been fine with me, obviously very unhappy in her current life and, it appears, replacement. 

[peiper]

The bit that interests me is that even after the discard why is there such vitriol and animosity? Is it the way they justify to themselves?

Also, does it last forever, or more likely till a replacement does not live up to expectations and they then start to try and re-engage?

That is my question.I Don't have that kind of HATE towards her but boy does she have it towards me.

I have sat her down and gone over this over and over.I have offered councling,a pastor and everything you could imagine.I covered all angles to try to work this out.I prolly would still try and sit down like a mature human being and talk to her but I am NC and don't think she is capable.

I cryed in front of her,begged and did almost anything to try to get her to see the light and convince her I am in her corner all the way.It got me knowhere.It seemed the more I loved her the more she HATED ME.So letting go may be the answer.

I was told by a couple friends and my T this is her own SELF HATE that she is projecting on to me.They told me SHE HATES HERSELF.So I am going with that for now.

I am not sure if that is the answer but it may be close when I hear this from a T and a couple friends.

Another thought is this.It is EASY to BLAME someone else and cry VICTIM then look at themselves and the bad behaviors that destroyed,yet another person trying to love them.My EX seems to be a professional victim.One of the red flaga I missed is she blamed every single man dating back to 1985.

So chances are she will find a man to co-sign all her BS and then he will get what I got with all these screwed up bad behaviors,lies,distortion,push/pull,abandonement and manipulation.

It almost goes without saying.It is very sad they live there lives in self destruction and never OWN how they hurt the people in there path.

That's funny, I used to tell mine she was a professional victim. Nothing was ever her fault. At 18 she had a baby out of wedlock at 20 she was pregnant again by another guy and got an abortion. She said it was God's fault because he shouldn't have done that to her twice. I felt like asking" what God pried your legs apart? "

[Infern0]

In my case I was devalued and she had started up an emotional affair with the guy who ended up being my replacement.

She wasn't overly vitriolic to me during devaluation,  but certainly became very passive agressive and withdrawn.  For my part I couldn't figure out what was going on but I just thought it was a phase due to her depression.

We ended up not seeing each other for a couple of weeks and to be honest I kind of gave up.  She then informed me that she had replaced me.  And proceeded to blame all kinds of ridiculous things that made no sense.  Also tried to friendzone me saying maybe one day we could get back together.

I refused friendzone and was painted black as sin, nonstop abusive messages,  calling me everything under the sun, manipulative,  abusive,  uncaring,  dishonest etc etc etc.

Well it only took about a month until she wanted to "talk" and I agreed to just because I don't like having enemies and if I bumped into her on my travels it'd have been nice to be able to say hi and be polite.

About a month after that,  triangulation begun and another month after she was cheating on my replacement with me. Devaluing him etc etc. I got the word that this guy was having major depression and on the verge of a breakdown. When I finally realized there was no happy ending here i abandoned her and was split black again. 

Now she's all lovey with the replacement again but has already tried to contact me again to "talk" which I ignored.

She can find someone else to help her torture her boyfriend to death

[downwhim]

This is all so sick. Sounds like something my exBPD would do to make his current replacement jealous! They are so immature (3 year olds remember) and they way they lie and manipulate makes me feel angry... .

[Infern0]

This is all so sick. Sounds like something my exBPD would do to make his current replacement jealous! They are so immature (3 year olds remember) and they way they lie and manipulate makes me feel angry... .

Yes it was sick.  One time near the end while she was performing a sex act on me she text her boyfriend "why are you mad at me" when he asked her if her "catch up" with me was going well.

she had been painting him as an abusive partner that she was scared to leave but was trying to so we could be together again and she would get therapy etc

poor guy was sat at home going out of his mind wondering why his girlfriend was "hanging out" with her "abusive ex" on a Saturday night and she decides to try and wind him up even more

it was then that I realised she was not this victim she was making out but the worst human being I've ever met.

[Splitblack4good]

It appears that she will just go through the same cycle with all partners... .past behaviour is a good predictor of the future in her case. I have a horrible feeling though that she keeps tabs on ex's... .she seemed to know what all her ex's were doing when I was with her which I found a bit unusual... .is it because they can try to re-engage down the line?

Exact same thing happened to me she was devaluing me for 2 weeks then decided on a break in other words trying to get out of it insisting a break . Following the break up 2 weeks of angry personal abusive  texts and calls she then blocked my number to then unblocking me ? I got one text now pure silence ? I'm finding this not only strange but creepy as she has my replacement . Why keep my number unblocked ?

[confused1730]

You wouldn't believe that today - yes today as we love on the same area we pulled up at some traffic lights with the cars parked next to each other - rather awkward! We just quickly looked at each other and that was it. It just made me think that's the first time she has clapped eyes on me in two months... .I wondeeed what her feelings were if any at all, I certainly didn't engage.

[Splitblack4good]

You wouldn't believe that today - yes today as we love on the same area we pulled up at some traffic lights with the cars parked next to each other - rather awkward! We just quickly looked at each other and that was it. It just made me think that's the first time she has clapped eyes on me in two months... .I wondeeed what her feelings were if any at all, I certainly didn't engage.

Your lucky yours even looked at you ! When I saw my ex 2 days ago at a freinds house she couldn't look at me.

[confused1730]

WOW it gets better... .after seeing her in her car as per earlier posts I get a text, even though she has blocked me... ."please refrain from driving dangerously near me to get my attention"... .madness. But why does she send this? Give me some rational thoughts please!