Is there really nothing I can do for her?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Notice it says 'I', 'me' or 'myself' 11 times and 'her' or 'she' 7 times, not bad, and maybe as we detach and the focus shifts the 'hers' and 'mes' will go away entirely and it will be all about I and me.

It's on a fridge; maybe it's appropriate to freeze her out?

[fromheeltoheal]

Notice it says 'I', 'me' or 'myself' 11 times and 'her' or 'she' 7 times, not bad, and maybe as we detach and the focus shifts the 'hers' and 'mes' will go away entirely and it will be all about I and me.

It's on a fridge; maybe it's appropriate to freeze her out?

[guy4caligirl]

So Fromheeltoheal

Did You like it ?  

[jhkbuzz]

Ohmigosh my refrigerator is COVERED with stuff!  Every time my stepdaughter comes over I have to take it down.

Here's one of my favorites - it came across my FB feed as one of those inspirational quotes:

"You should not have to rip yourself into pieces to keep others whole."

[fromheeltoheal]

So Fromheeltoheal

Did You like it ?  

Hi guy4-

I don't know that I like it as much as I see it as a necessary step in detachment.  Labeling our exes broken, sick, and twisted is a shift from how we might have felt in the relationship, when we were trying to 'fix' everything, although those labels have limitations and are only a step to what's next.  It's helpful to get really fcking pissed off too, that can bend the mixed and conflicting feelings in our favor so we can stay away and heal, and avoid getting caught in the undertow of dysfunction again.

But after a while it's best to shift the focus entirely to us: if someone abused and/or disrespected us and was untrustworthy, that person needs to be removed from our lives, not just our borderline exes, everyone who acts that way.  Remove the crap and replace it with people who accept us the way we are, treat us with respect, and are trustworthy, on our way to creating a more empowered life, and motivated by the pain of a relationship with a borderline.  Once we do that we may consider the experience a gift, as we notice how awesome our life has become.  Take care of you!

[Mutt]

Hi Guy,

It's your choice what you like to hang on your fridge.

If you look on the right side of the board.

"Attachment leads to suffering detachment leads to freedom"

An alternative if you're looking for words of wisdom and detaching or non-attachment?

Something simple. "Let go or be dragged"

“The Zen teaching of non-attachment is very similar to the teaching of Taoism. The Tao Te Ching, an ancient Taoist classic, says, “when the sage walks, he leaves no footprints behind.” What does this mean? It does not mean that when the Taoist sage goes for a walk one would never be able to find the imprints of his feet on the ground. The sage is human like us, and so he has footprints.

"What the statement means is that in his journey through life the sage leaves no traces of desire and attachment clinging to him as he lives from moment to moment. Life is following, always changing, and the sage never looks back to the moment which has sped by, nor does he look forward to the moment which lies ahead. Rather, he lives in the present, flowing along in harmony with the rhythm of life, appreciating each moment for what it is worth and allowing it to pass on quickly to be replaced by the next.” – THICH THIEN AN

I hope that helps.


--Mutt

[myself]

Seeing clearly and living better. That's the message.

Here's a good one. When posting, it says 'Additional Options... .'

On my fridge is art my daughter made. More wonderful reminders.

[oortcloud]

Everything said in this thread has been spot on. I remember when me and my ex would go out to concerts/shows, I'd look at her through the corner of my eye. And in those moments when she was distracted by whatever we were watching, she looked truly happy. But as soon as it was over, she'd go back to being her intermittently melancholy, angry self.

It was heart breaking.

I agree that it's hard to have pity since they're conscious of their actions... .I've gone through my share of pain with this person. But I still struggle with feeling indifference vs. sympathy frequently.

[NYMike]

My Ex.

Would you be happy.?

She has 2 failed marriages.She lost 3 homes,numerous cars and 2 Harleys.She has ZERO credit.She is an ex cocaine user.

She has no furniture left.She lives with her sister now which is 40 miles from were she was and her daughter got yanked out of the senior class.Her daughter cuts herself.She does not take care of our dog and she stinks and is in bad shape.

She has numorous failed relationships with men.She was raped at a young age.She has been beat up by previous men.

She lies,cheats,steals,cons and manipulated everyone.

She tossed away the only good man she prolly ever had that cared so deeply and worked hard on getting her life back on track.


WOULD YOU BE HAPPY.?

[oortcloud]

Seeing clearly and living better. That's the message.

Here's a good one. When posting, it says 'Additional Options... .'

On my fridge is art my daughter made. More wonderful reminders.

Here's something else that would be good to add to our fridges:

"Lost you. Found myself."

[PaintedBlack28]

FACT: these are chronically miserable people

FACT: yes, he/she was actually quite miserable (whether you realized it or not) during the majority, if not close to the entirety of your involvement with them

the disorder cannot allow for any emotion to be sustained for any reasonable amount of time.

even at the beginning, during idealization, they are miserable.   they are happyface when you're around, but the second they even so much as blink, they are reminded of the other guy/gal they're lying to, the lies they're building with you, how that's all gonna play out, the 1000 dollars they just spent before seeing you that they don't have, the red light they ran again yesterday, wow I look feel so fat, images of the toilet they just made themselves throw up in, the heated exchange they just had with their mother, how jealous they are of their sister's engagement and new house, etc

etc


etc


they are chronically miserable people.  they WERE NOT happy with us.

their 'happiness' is just a moment of no tangible negativity, but it is just a moment... .

This is such an amazing post!

[NYMike]

So Fromheeltoheal

Did You like it ?  

Hi guy4-

I don't know that I like it as much as I see it as a necessary step in detachment.  Labeling our exes broken, sick, and twisted is a shift from how we might have felt in the relationship, when we were trying to 'fix' everything, although those labels have limitations and are only a step to what's next.  It's helpful to get really fcking pissed off too, that can bend the mixed and conflicting feelings in our favor so we can stay away and heal, and avoid getting caught in the undertow of dysfunction again.

But after a while it's best to shift the focus entirely to us: if someone abused and/or disrespected us and was untrustworthy, that person needs to be removed from our lives, not just our borderline exes, everyone who acts that way.  Remove the crap and replace it with people who accept us the way we are, treat us with respect, and are trustworthy, on our way to creating a more empowered life, and motivated by the pain of a relationship with a borderline.  Once we do that we may consider the experience a gift, as we notice how awesome our life has become.  Take care of you!

I am in the process of doing just this.Thank You and good post.

[maxen]

the 1000 dollars they just spent before seeing you that they don't have, the red light they ran again yesterday, wow I look feel so fat

say, do you actually know my wife?

never forgetting, though, that pwBPD are individuals too. there's a small number of things that can be asserted pretty certainly about any pwBPD, and knowing that a disorder caused him/her to do the things he/she did to us can help to depersonalize, and that can be very validating, but it won't, by itself, get us over the wounds. as heel said:

Labeling our exes broken, sick, and twisted is a shift from how we might have felt in the relationship, when we were trying to 'fix' everything, although those labels have limitations and are only a step to what's next.

i've had exactly two exchanges with my stbxw over the past 15 months. i don't know if she's happy; her history in r/ss gives a poor prognosis. but it's important to my recovery to accept the idea that she just may be. the new SO plays for the other team, so to speak; this is different. she may have found the caretaker she wanted, and that i would not be, to allow her to live like "a big baby" (her own words). the one encounter i had with the new SO suggests that this may be the case (she was aggressive).

depersonalize yes, objectify no.

[Aussie JJ]

depersonalize yes, objectify no.

I agree with this satement. 

It's part of the process searching for answers.  Thing is the answers are within you.  your pwBPD has found the answers in a new RS.  That in itself indicates the pattern will continue, new RS, start again.  Don't resolve any of the existing issues. 


AJJ.