Older folks with shyness/avpd/BPD based on dysfunctional borderline upbringing?

[dreamwver]

Anyone in their 40's, 50's or so who is still feeling the difficult affects of growing up with a parent who was borderline?  I have never had a family and am pretty socially isolated due partly to the isolation I was forced into growing up. My mother needed all kinds of control, and I feel I never really bonded successfully with her, and found a lot of difficulties in trying to be close to others, even as an older adult.  I have come a long way in dealing with my BPD and avoidant pd, but it's been painful and somewhat isolating.  Although I am in my 50's, I feel like I come across like a teenager because that's when a lot of trauma happened. Can anyone else relate? Thanks.

[Harri]

Ooo!  ME!  Me TOO!

Okay, seriously, yes, I can relate.  I just turned 49 and, like you, I have come a long way but I am still very socially awkward and very shy.  I definitely feel like an adolescent and I missed out on a ton of things growing up and even in my 'adulthood'.  My family was very isolated in many ways.  While at points in my childhood my house was the hang out house for other kids (my mother was good with other kids) for the most part I was so tied to her and controlled by her that it affected every aspect of my life.  Between having a crazy abusive mother who ridiculed and put me down in front of my friends and those same kids bullying and tormenting me, I learned to withdraw (mostly into my imagination).  I was already a shy kid and it just made it worse.  I learned not to trust and have never really learned how to be open and vulnerable in a healthy way.  My one and only romantic relationship did not happen until my late 30's and he abusive as well.  Since then the thought of any kind of romantic relationship leaves me feeling scared and confused.  As I have gotten better, I have gained a couple close friends, but I am still learning.  I am lucky in that my career sort of forced me to dig deep and learn to act confident and get comfortable talking with strangers, but it was all in a work setting where I had a very specific role and the conversations revolved around my work.  So the experience, while invaluable, was limited.  I often read other people stories here and I am filled with admiration and wonder that they were able to forge friendships and even get married (!) in spite of having a rotten childhood.  Knowing that others did it gives me hope that I can become even less isolated than I already have.  I don't care so much about marriage, but I would like a couple more friends and maybe someone who will give me a hug sometimes (I have one friend who does but I don't want to over-use it! haha)

Okay, I am just babbling here.  sorry, I got all excited to find another like me and just jumped in.

so yes, I can relate in so many ways. 

[cleotokos]

I can relate, though I'm in my mid thirties. I have SA and it's become a real source of shame and embarrassment for me. I feel like everyone else has grown out of it except me. I am pretty isolated - I just cut off a friendship with my last remaining friend. I think she was uHPD and I couldn't take her lies anymore. She began accusing me (in roundabout ways) of making things up and I was just so insulted I was done with her. Then she was rude to my SO when she saw him on the street for no reason. That was it as I knew if I'd ever been rude to her husband she'd have a fit. Anyways I digress - my friendships usually are with people who seek me out because they are so bubbly and outgoing. I'm finding it harder and harder to make friends as I get older. I'm just SO self conscious and awkward feeling about it. I don't know how to relate to or interact with other women. I don't know what is ok in a friendship and what is not. I feel so tense and nervous and uncomfortable in group situations. I was taking cipralex for a bit and it was really great, but the side effects were very hard to deal with. Just trading one set of problems for another. Like you said I feel like this is such a "teenage" affliction, being so shy at this age.

[Turkish]

It took me many years to get through my own SA. Into my mid 30s, where I had to drag myself kicking and screaming into the world, like a birth. Though I've always had a few close friends from childhood, I was asocial, and avoided crowds, going out and doing things. It also affected my work. When I came out of my shell, I wound up with uBPDx, but that's another story. 

My fight now is to not withdraw into that hermit persona again. I'm alone in the home I bought for my family half of the time now, and I feel myself becoming a little too comfortable being alone. I don't even have any friends who are close to me now.

In my early 40s, I finally feel "grown up" in a sense. My favorite saying from the youth mentoring group I was a part of a while back is, "You don't know what you don't know." We had many youth who were sullen, withdrawn, probably a few with signs of PDs, or who were abused. Getting them to try on new things taught me to do the same. I saw my younger self in many of the youth.

One weird exercise we did was hold a mirror in front of them, and ask them to talk to themselves in the mirror saying affirming things about themselves. It might seem kind of silly, but the number of kids who broke down into tears was amazing. I was even getting choked up a few times watching it. I'd be interested if anybody might try that here and report back... .

[bethanny]

I relate.  I am back to this website to help me cope with my patterns of avoidance and isolation.  Thanks for your statements.  I have processed so much about the reality of my past.  The mourning I have done seems to have left a residue of despair and a commitment to avoid disappointing others or being disappointed by others. 

[HappyChappy]

Ironically before I realised about PD stuff, I was considered very sociable, confident and outgoing.  It was only through therapy that it became apparent I had very low self esteem.  So I’ve done the talking to mirror thing Turkish suggested, and it worked. But I also realise I had become more isolated since being married with kids, and that does contribute to low self esteem.  So speaking as someone who always found it easy to socialise, it’s so easy to slowly over time revert back to the isolated child that BPD make us. Time for the pub, I'll get you all a round in, on me !