Am i the crazy one?

[willtimeheal]

Ok I have really been questioning today whether my exgf who I think has BPD or if if I am just simply crazy. Today has just sucked. Sucked with a capital S. I am 71 days NC and I just had am emotional breakdown today. Everything and everyone bothered me. I sit here and I am miserable today. I have had many good days but I still have bad ones. I look or hear about her and she seems so happy. And I know things aren't always s they look... .but I have to say she looks great!  She sent me a text two weeks ago thanking me for loving her and telling me how happy she is. At first I thought it was a cover but now I am starting to believe it. So how does she end up on top of the world and I am miserable. I ruminate and now wonder if I am mentally ill. Maybe I am the one who is nuts... .isn't her world suppose to be spinning out of control?  Mine is. Why isn't hers?  Experts say BPDs feel every emotion very strongly... .well today then I must have BPD cuz I am feeling it all.

[peiper]

Her being so happy is smoke and mirrors. My ex was doing the same on Facebook.  Everything was beautiful this beautiful that. Guess who's single and not posting anything now ? Her. And yes a relationship with a pwBPD can drive you nuts, it did me. The thing is its temporary whereas they stay there. Hang in there.

[HappyNihilist]

willtimeheal, I'm so sorry you're having a rough day. 

Ok I have really been questioning today whether my exgf who I think has BPD or if if I am just simply crazy.

I have good news for you: you're not crazy. 

You're having a bad day, and you're in emotional turmoil. You're ruminating and distorting. We all do it sometimes. Everyone has bad days. You would only be "crazy" if this was your constant state of being. It's not. It's a very understandable response to pain.

Today has just sucked. Sucked with a capital S. I am 71 days NC and I just had am emotional breakdown today. Everything and everyone bothered me. I sit here and I am miserable today. I have had many good days but I still have bad ones.

Believe me, I know, the bad days suuuuuck. But as you already know, you are more than capable of having good days. These bad feelings are temporary.

I look or hear about her and she seems so happy. And I know things aren't always s they look... .but I have to say she looks great!  She sent me a text two weeks ago thanking me for loving her and telling me how happy she is. At first I thought it was a cover but now I am starting to believe it.

pwBPD are rarely capable of anything like true happiness (given the emotional chaos, self-loathing, etc.).

But even if she is happy now, how does that affect you?

So how does she end up on top of the world and I am miserable.

Ah... .here is the answer. 

It can feel invalidating when our exBPD doesn't spiral out of control in some way. Especially when we had such a hellish time after the b/u, and still have miserable days, where we feel out of control.

I ruminate and now wonder if I am mentally ill. Maybe I am the one who is nuts... .isn't her world suppose to be spinning out of control?  Mine is. Why isn't hers? 

pwBPD are professional survivors. They're trying to prevent spinning out of control, by any means necessary, and they're very adaptable. Unless they are severely dysregulated, they usually give the impression of having it pretty much together.

Experts say BPDs feel every emotion very strongly... .well today then I must have BPD cuz I am feeling it all.

Almost everyone has times of "BPD traits" -- the disorder is made up of cognitive distortions and maladaptive coping strategies that we all can experience at some point in our lives. What makes it a disorder is when these distortions and coping strategies are pervasive throughout the person's life -- rather than just being occasional occurrences, they are part of the person's personality.

It's also important to remember that depression shares some of the distorted thinking found in pwBPD. I know a lot of us here struggle with depression, whether situational from the b/u or chronic. And even if you don't have depression, a bad day post-b/u certainly feels like a depressive episode.

You're not crazy. You're human. 

I know you're hurting, and I'm so sorry. But you also know that you can feel better, and that those good days are more plentiful than the bad. 

[NYMike]

Don't I wish I could somehow give her the pain I am feeling right now.It is all smoke and mirrors and distortions.Don't contact her,stay off FB and walk away from these creatures.That is the only way to heal and move on.They will never be happy in any relationship.

I hung in there far to long and refused to let go and believe all of what friends and family and my councler were telling me.In the end I wish I would of RAN 2 months ago.I added more pain,more money taken from me,more head games,more drama,more sadness,torment and now a dam Order Of Protection and a court date and the money for a Lawyer.

I was just talking to a friend today about why is she not devastated like I am.

Why.?.Because I was temporary in her life and I missed all the    and I only listened to her words.I hung on every word she told me.I failed to see the ''actions'' on her part.My hang up is I ''wanted to believe her'' but in that process nothing added up.It ended up to be all words and lies.She may have had other men on the side too.She kept her ex'x in her phone so she could use them for whatever and recycle them.

I am slowly coming to terms with what she is all about.I just did not want to believe it.Everyone else seen it and I was the last one to see it.I was living in a fantasy world and betrayed on many levels from her.

In the end she new how to play my heart strings to get sex,money,attention and a lot of other stuff.Then she would discard me and recycle me again and again.I am sure she seen others when she discarded me.

Thank God I found this forum and T to ask someone for help.I am waking up to reality and feeling a tiny bit better everyday and not searching for her anymore.NC,NO TEXTS,NO FB,NO NOTHING... .

Walk Away with your head held high because you loved this person.Someday someone will give you real love and care.

[willtimeheal]

I look or hear about her and she seems so happy. And I know things aren't always s they look... .but I have to say she looks great!  She sent me a text two weeks ago thanking me for loving her and telling me how happy she is. At first I thought it was a cover but now I am starting to believe it.

pwBPD are rarely capable of anything like true happiness (given the emotional chaos, self-loathing, etc.).

But even if she is happy now, how does that affect you?

Thinking and feeling that her world is spinning and she is unhappy is the one thing that keeps me going right now. I know  That sounds awful but I want her to feel as much pain and heartache as I do. If she is miserable right now that pushes to keep moving forward. Her misery makes me happy right now.

[Caval]

I have totally been there.  Her birthday occurred after about 2 and 1/2 months of NC.  I remember sitting in this chair on a Saturday night and bawling I wanted to call so bad.  So here's the thing: its really cliched but what (positive) thing will make you feel happy tomorrow?  GO DO THAT.  I wish you the best, amigo.

[HappyNihilist]

Thinking and feeling that her world is spinning and she is unhappy is the one thing that keeps me going right now.

Why is this the one thing keeping you going?

I know  That sounds awful but I want her to feel as much pain and heartache as I do.

It doesn't sound awful at all. You're hurting and grieving. Don't judge your feelings as good or bad -- they just are.

Why do you want her to feel as much pain and heartache as you do? What benefit does that provide to you?

If she is miserable right now that pushes to keep moving forward. Her misery makes me happy right now.

It's understandable to feel a sense of validation and even pleasure at our exes' misery.

The problem is that this type of thinking keeps us in a position of relying on our ex for validation, and keeps them foremost in our mind. This makes it even easier to slide into rumination.

Detachment requires letting go of our exes for any sort of validation. Believe me, I know it's hard. And we all have bad days where we "backslide" -- it's all part of the healing process.

If it's any consolation, pwBPD do live in a pretty constant emotional state of fear, misery, and pain. That's why they do the things they do. Their mind is hell. Imagine feeling what you felt right after the breakup, what you feel on these bad days, almost every single day of your life. Unless they devote themselves to serious work and therapy, they will never be able to find peace.

But you can. 

[CloseToFreedom]

I'm out of the relationship for close to a month now, and a week or so no contact. As I'm in the middle of it I know exactly how you feel. I often doubt if she was the crazy one, or if I was crazy. I often wonder if I'm the one with BPD. I tend to forget all the bad stuff she put me through, and remember the bad stuff I did to her.

But it's not realistic. If I look at it from a realistic point of view, sure, I could've done more, especially at the end of the relationship, to help us survive. But in truth I could have never done enough. The outcome was inevitable.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

Write a list of all the crazy you can remember.  It helps at times like this.  Just read through it when the doubt sets in.  Here is an example from mine.

Crazy conversation

Her: I have made arrangements for Sunday to be with my friends so can only see you on Saturday.

Me: That is fine then, I will go hiking in Wales on Sunday.

Her:  You are pushing me away.

See - that is the crazy right there.