Coping with the ruminations & pain.

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Guys and Girls,

There are a lot of threads on here about ruminations and having a bad day, basically the pain of the breakup.  I agree, what were going through is cruel, unfair and unjust.  I eventually started to question my own thinking here.  :)on't get me wrong I still get caught up in this thought process from time to time and it takes a lot to pull myself out of it.  

However I am responsible for my thought process as well as how I choose to behave.  I have control of that, what I had to do (really had no choice I was so close to rock bottom) was learn new ways to think about the events that triggered me.  

Changing my thought process around those events that were hurting me so much emotionally.  I'm not saying its wrong to feel bad, however we all deal with it in different ways, I have learnt a few different healthier ways of dealing with these things.  

WORKSHOP: TOOLS: Ease your pain by re-framing your thoughts

EARLY JUNE

A. (Activating event):

She is lying, repetitively lying to my face like I am stupid.  

B. (irrational Belief):

I believe she shouldn't treat me like this, no-one should be treated like this.  

C. (emotional Consequences):

Is it me or her, I love her, why would she lie to me.  I'm questioning myself again.  What the hell is happening, I feel stupid I don't understand what is happening.  

D. (Disputing or questioning):

Does she have to tell me the truth, NO.  Why do I expect the truth from her, why do I really on her and trust her word?

E. (Effective new thinking):

Ignore the lies.  Concentrate on the truth and don't let the lies enter.  If a lie is told.  Stand up for the truth.  :)on't validate the lie.  Believe in yourself, you know the truth.  

F. (new Feeling or behaviour):

Trust myself.  :)on't argue walk away when she is lying if I cant question it in a way that I am comfortable.  Maintain my self respect.  

EARLY JULY

At this point I had initiated strict LC on my terms.  

A. (Activating event):

She is lying still like I am stupid.  

B. (irrational Belief):

I should work through this with her, get to the truth.  

C. (emotional Consequences):

I love her, why would she lie to me.  I'm questioning myself again, I want to fix this and get to the truth.  I feel like I should be able to fix this, feel insignificant.  

D. (Disputing or questioning):

Do I have to accept the lies, NO.  :)o I have to change her belief's, NO.  I have to look after myself if she is causing pain.  

E. (Effective new thinking):

Ignore the lies.  Believe in yourself, you know the truth.  

F. (new Feeling or behaviour):

Don't argue walk away when she is lying if I can't question it in a way that I am comfortable.    

Above is one example using a tool from the workshop's, hopefully how I have learnt to deal with these thought's could help you, you can see how my thoughs also changed over the space of a month.  

I wrote it out and worked through it using this process.  Now its stored away in my head, something I pull out at work, with my son, with my family with my friends.  When someone pisses me off, I re-frame my thoughts using this tool below.  I don't just use it for my exBPDgf's bollocks, I use it in life.  Now, when one of these triggering behaviours pops up however I just sideline it, go through this now and try something different.  It doesn't effect me unless it's something significant.  

In the end I walked away a lot more than I engaged when I get those toxic thoughts now.  I get e-mails now where I ignore the subtle jabs at me.  Not significant.  Not my issue, hers to deal with.  I am concentrating on what I can achieve.  I know what the truth is and I trust my perception of events.  

This is with ME.  One issue, there are many others.  What is something where you could re-frame your thoughts to something more mentally healthy and sustainable for yourself ?

How could some of you use this for issues your struggling with?  


AJJ.

[Aussie JJ]

Guys and Girls,

There are a lot of threads on here about ruminations and having a bad day, basically the pain of the breakup.  I agree, what were going through is cruel, unfair and unjust.  I eventually started to question my own thinking here.  :)on't get me wrong I still get caught up in this thought process from time to time and it takes a lot to pull myself out of it.  

However I am responsible for my thought process as well as how I choose to behave.  I have control of that, what I had to do (really had no choice I was so close to rock bottom) was learn new ways to think about the events that triggered me.  

Changing my thought process around those events that were hurting me so much emotionally.  I'm not saying its wrong to feel bad, however we all deal with it in different ways, I have learnt a few different healthier ways of dealing with these things.  

WORKSHOP: TOOLS: Ease your pain by re-framing your thoughts

EARLY JUNE

A. (Activating event):

She is lying, repetitively lying to my face like I am stupid.  

B. (irrational Belief):

I believe she shouldn't treat me like this, no-one should be treated like this.  

C. (emotional Consequences):

Is it me or her, I love her, why would she lie to me.  I'm questioning myself again.  What the hell is happening, I feel stupid I don't understand what is happening.  

D. (Disputing or questioning):

Does she have to tell me the truth, NO.  Why do I expect the truth from her, why do I really on her and trust her word?

E. (Effective new thinking):

Ignore the lies.  Concentrate on the truth and don't let the lies enter.  If a lie is told.  Stand up for the truth.  :)on't validate the lie.  Believe in yourself, you know the truth.  

F. (new Feeling or behaviour):

Trust myself.  :)on't argue walk away when she is lying if I cant question it in a way that I am comfortable.  Maintain my self respect.  

EARLY JULY

At this point I had initiated strict LC on my terms.  

A. (Activating event):

She is lying still like I am stupid.  

B. (irrational Belief):

I should work through this with her, get to the truth.  

C. (emotional Consequences):

I love her, why would she lie to me.  I'm questioning myself again, I want to fix this and get to the truth.  I feel like I should be able to fix this, feel insignificant.  

D. (Disputing or questioning):

Do I have to accept the lies, NO.  :)o I have to change her belief's, NO.  I have to look after myself if she is causing pain.  

E. (Effective new thinking):

Ignore the lies.  Believe in yourself, you know the truth.  

F. (new Feeling or behaviour):

Don't argue walk away when she is lying if I can't question it in a way that I am comfortable.    

Above is one example using a tool from the workshop's, hopefully how I have learnt to deal with these thought's could help you, you can see how my thoughs also changed over the space of a month.  

I wrote it out and worked through it using this process.  Now its stored away in my head, something I pull out at work, with my son, with my family with my friends.  When someone pisses me off, I re-frame my thoughts using this tool below.  I don't just use it for my exBPDgf's bollocks, I use it in life.  Now, when one of these triggering behaviours pops up however I just sideline it, go through this now and try something different.  It doesn't effect me unless it's something significant.  

In the end I walked away a lot more than I engaged when I get those toxic thoughts now.  I get e-mails now where I ignore the subtle jabs at me.  Not significant.  Not my issue, hers to deal with.  I am concentrating on what I can achieve.  I know what the truth is and I trust my perception of events.  

This is with ME.  One issue, there are many others.  What is something where you could re-frame your thoughts to something more mentally healthy and sustainable for yourself ?

How could some of you use this for issues your struggling with?  


AJJ.

[Pingo]

Okay, this is something that happened recently, not with my uBPDexh but an old bf I reconnected with. 



A. (Activating event):

He's very inconsistent with his texts & phone calls, leaving me hanging, wondering what his motives are, if he's playing games with me.

 

B. (irrational Belief):

I don't remember him being an unkind person even though he did hurt me when he dumped me 16 yrs ago, maybe I did something to upset him or maybe I have unrealistic expectations and am being paranoid.

C. (emotional Consequences):

I'm angry, confused and these feelings are really intolerable!

D. (Disputing or questioning):

Why does my mood/happiness depend on him and his actions?  Why am I putting myself through this?  For what?



E. (Effective new thinking):

I will not give him my energy, he is not going to dictate how I feel about myself.  I will not give him any more energy as long as I feel disrespected.



F. (new Feeling or behaviour):

I feel empowered and putting my focus and energy on myself and other things.

Strangely enough, I did go through this process a while back and the day I decided that I was not going to let him dictate my happiness and started to focus on other things, I found out (via fb status ) that he was in a new r/s!  So my gut told me he was playing games with me and my gut was 100% correct, wish I listened to it in the first place!  I quickly 'unfriended' him and expressed my anger to my gf and really felt the rejection and hurt but then was over it so quickly!  Two days later I didn't care anymore.  I think after going through the heartache/BU with my uBPDexh, nothing will compare and if I can survive that then I can survive anything!

[Aussie JJ]

I use it still a bit now when I get caught up on the illusion of wanting a friendship or any sort of validation out of her. 

It is sad, it never will be, however I don't need her to validate me.  I'm pretty damn good myself thankyou!

[Mutt]

Okay, this is something that happened recently, not with my uBPDexh but an old bf I reconnected with.  



A. (Activating event):

He's very inconsistent with his texts & phone calls, leaving me hanging, wondering what his motives are, if he's playing games with me.

 

B. (irrational Belief):

I don't remember him being an unkind person even though he did hurt me when he dumped me 16 yrs ago, maybe I did something to upset him or maybe I have unrealistic expectations and am being paranoid.

C. (emotional Consequences):

I'm angry, confused and these feelings are really intolerable!

D. (Disputing or questioning):

Why does my mood/happiness depend on him and his actions?  Why am I putting myself through this?  For what?



E. (Effective new thinking):

I will not give him my energy, he is not going to dictate how I feel about myself.  I will not give him any more energy as long as I feel disrespected.



F. (new Feeling or behaviour):

I feel empowered and putting my focus and energy on myself and other things.

Strangely enough, I did go through this process a while back and the day I decided that I was not going to let him dictate my happiness and started to focus on other things, I found out (via fb status ) that he was in a new r/s!  So my gut told me he was playing games with me and my gut was 100% correct, wish I listened to it in the first place!  I quickly 'unfriended' him and expressed my anger to my gf and really felt the rejection and hurt but then was over it so quickly!  Two days later I didn't care anymore.  I think after going through the heartache/BU with my uBPDexh, nothing will compare and if I can survive that then I can survive anything!

I have to agree. I think I can survive anything 

Practice coping with thoughts. I would like to point out that members can use this as a benchmark as Aussie JJ did.

Check again in 30 days and compare your thoughts.