Death of child and NPD/BPD spouse

[Gimme Peace]

My adult son unexpectedly passed away two weeks ago. I couldn't reach him by phone and went over to his apartment to find him deceased. He was a lifelong wheelchair user had just moved in a week prior and was attending college studying criminal justice. He was only 25 and was the most caring, never-complaining, compassionate, fun-loving person I had ever known. We won't know how or why he died until the results come back in a month or two. I am inconsolable.

This child was my world, I was his caregiver and attendant and I am completely lost now and filled with grief. My BPD/NPD husband never had time for him, didn't talk to him, help him, or do anything for him except help pay some bills. My son lived with us for 2 years before moving into his own apartment. BPDspouse is now filled with regret and sadness, and is also inconsolable. He just sleeps all the time and won't really help with any of the business related to dealing with a death in the family. Right after it happened, my daughter and my friend flew in from out of town to help with arrangements and help take care of me. Within 2 days, BPD husband didn't want my friend here anymore and started arguing with her, they bickered all night until he violently pushed her away and down to the pavement where she got a big knot on her head and bruised all over. Security was called and they wanted to take him to jail, but the funeral was the next day so she didn't press charges. He completely blames her for what happened and refuses to speak of the incident again.

About a month ago, I went to see an attorney about ending the marriage to this person who barely speaks to me, treats me like I'm a bother and a burden. Now I am just trying to get through the grief process until I can think straight again to move forward with the process. Now all he does is sleep most of the time, or sits  in silence watching TV, like I am not in the room. He won't talk to me about my loss, is pretending like nothing happened. He actually came home from work two days ago and asked how my son is doing, totally forgetting that he died. This is more than I can take.

My advice to you out there... .If you have a child/ren, young or adult, MAKE IT A PRIORITY TO GIVE THEM THE TIME AND ATTENTION THEY DESERVE. I wish I could have back the time I spent reacting to the BPD/NPD in my life and give that time to my son right now. But he is gone and I can't have the time back. Don't let these mentally ill people take your priorities away from those you love and need you. You'll never regret that. BPD/NPDs live in their own universe where everything is about them. They aren't going to change. Ever. Protect yourself and your loved one and don't let the BPD be the priority. Position yourself so that he/she is never the priority again.

Start today!

I ask that you please pray for me to find comfort in these very dark days. Your prayers will lift me up. I feel my son with me, I know what he would want me to do. Please pray for me to be strong and to move on past this relationship... .before it kills me.

Thank you and God Bless.

[mywifecrazy]

GP,

I just want to say that I'm praying for you for peace and for healing from the loss of your son and for what you're going through with your BPD Husband. I can't imagine what pain you must be feeling at this moment. I hope you have some family or friends nearby that you can lean on for support. Hang in there!

MWC... .

[Samuel S.]

My prayers and my heart go to you, your BPDh, the family, and friends. Grieving is hard enough when experiencing a loss. When dealing with a BPD and grieving, it is extremely difficult. When dealing with your own grief, it is extremely difficult.

For the last 14 years, I have been married to my BPDw whose 7 1/2 daughter passed away 15 years ago. While she has gone through traditional and non-traditional counseling, she is only somewhat better.

You are right. A BPD will not change. I've been trying to convince myself that my BPDw will realize that her emotions count along with those around her; yet, the world needs to revolve around her, even with all the counseling and all the other things she has been doing. You are right. You need to protect yourself.

Your BPDh's reactions are only in part his grieving being expressed. It is extremely important for you to take care of yourself, to cry when you want, to do what you want. When the time is right, having been involved with my BPDw's grief, I can share some ideas for your consideration, but only when the time is right. These ideas may or may not help, but it is worth a try. It is only a bandaid and not a panacea.

[MammaMia]

Gimme Peace

My heart breaks for you and what you are enduring, basically alone.  My ex-husband was just like yours.  In fact, he made it so easy to divorce him because he was not a necessary part of my family's life. 

I can understand your grief.  It hurts to the very core of your being and it is coupled with anger and rage.  You have every right to be devastated.  The heartbreak of losing a child cannot be measured.

I would recommend you seek grief counseling.  You need kindness and compassion now.  Clearly, your husband is struggling with his own issues and will be incapable of providing comfort and support. Unless he is willing to attend joint therapy, I would suggest you find help for yourself.  Be careful, he will try to suck you into his misery which is the last thing you need right now.

My prayers are with you.  Please get someone to help you through this.  Life must go on, and while you will probably never recover from your son's death, there are ways to learn how to cope and improve the quality of your life over time.

. 

Please keep us posted and may the Good Lord watch over you and guide you as you attempt to come to terms with your pain and loss.  I am so very sorry.

[Mutt]

I'm sorry for your loss.

[Gimme Peace]

Thank you for the words of encouragement, it really helps. I'm just trying to get through one day at a time. Now all the company has left and it's just me and BPDh. I will find a way to survive this unbearable situation. He hasn't had any dysreg since my friend left and hopefully he can hold it together for a little longer while I heal.

Thank you for the prayers and positive vibes. Happy Holidays to you all. Hugs!

[lever.]

I am so sorry to read what has happened to your son. I am sure that everyone who reads your post will be sending thoughts and prayers.

[Leaving]

Gimme,

I'm truly sorry you are grieving such a tremendous loss alone.  I can relate to your grief as I've had to grieve many losses alone with my BP husband.  I think I would have hurt much less had I been truly alone because then I wouldn't have been so lonely.  A self absorbed cold and dismissive husband is suffering enough but then we can't even grieve as we should because all their self loathing drama takes center stage and our loss become all about them and their loss. It's truly disgusting and my heart goes out to you.   I will pray for you that you will receive the strength and courage to endure and that most of all, you can leave the marriage soon. 

It has been during my own experiences of loss and grief that I saw the raw truth about my husband with much more clarity and received the most wisdom.    It was during my last loss that I finally decided to leave.

May the grace of time heal your wounds.

[swampped]

Dear Gimme:  Deepest sympathy for your loss.  You will be in my thoughts and prayers during this terribly painful time.  Blessings to you.   Swampped 

[Gimme Peace]

Thank you so much everyone. Your words of encouragement and worldly wisdom are helping me stay balanced. BPD/NPD husband is basically a zombie, isn't talking to anyone (me included) except to predict that I "will never be happy again and he isn't sure about our future anymore". He also talks about his needs never being met again because I'll "never be the wife he needs now". I push this narcissistic insensitive stuff to the back of my mind and then let it flow to the toilet, where it belongs, flushed away. I keep remembering how much my son disliked him and hated the fact this person, my husband, made his loving, caring mother cry so many times, for no real reason except to control her. He openly vocalized that he thought we should split up, that I deserved better. Right up to the last week of his life.

I am lined up for a couple of grief support groups but it will be after the holidays, most meetings are cancelled right now. I have friends and family constantly inquiring about me and that feels good. I feel my son with me every minute and know that he is watching over me and making me feel loved. I feel the warmth from this board too and I thank you for that.

[MammaMia]

Gimme Peace

Take things one day at a time, but remember to do what is best for YOU.  You have many friends here, please keep us posted.

God Bless you.

[Panda39]

Gimme Peace,

Can't even imagine... .my thoughts and prayers are with you 

[mggt]

So deeply sorry for your loss such a terrible tragedy may god hold you and bless you

[pessim-optimist]

Gimme Peace,

I am so sorry for such a sudden loss particularly at this time of the year (not that it would be easier at any different time but it gets highlighted even more).

Please take good care of you during this time... . 

My prayers are with you, together with wishes of friends being available to you and offering some companionship and comfort.

[Gimme Peace]

Thank you for all the prayers. It helps more than you know. BPDh just told me he's been off his meds all week but is back on them so maybe he'll stop being dysregulated.

I'm enjoying hearing from family and friends this morning and that's making it easier. Love is what I need and I'm getting it.

Happy Holidays and blessings to everyone! Hugs!

[pessim-optimist]

I'm enjoying hearing from family and friends this morning and that's making it easier. Love is what I need and I'm getting it.

Oh, that is so good to hear! Blessings to you as well.