Need help understanding something.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I'm 7 weeks post b/u and 23 days no contact. I'm feeling good today about things. I just need some insight on this... .She has been posting a lot on facebook.  Pictures of her and her friends, etc. She looks so happy. She's hanging out with old friends that she used to complain to me about. She could have been hanging out with them while with me, yet she chose to sit on the couch doing nothing. It's as if she is blaming me for being depressed and never doing anything.  Is it because I'm the one currently painted black so everyone else in her life is white again? It just bugs me that she can instantly be out having fun and appearing to be completely fine after being a depressed bump on a log.

[Xidion]

I'm 7 weeks post b/u and 23 days no contact. I'm feeling good today about things. I just need some insight on this... .She has been posting a lot on facebook.  Pictures of her and her friends, etc. She looks so happy. She's hanging out with old friends that she used to complain to me about. She could have been hanging out with them while with me, yet she chose to sit on the couch doing nothing. It's as if she is blaming me for being depressed and never doing anything.  Is it because I'm the one currently painted black so everyone else in her life is white again? It just bugs me that she can instantly be out having fun and appearing to be completely fine after being a depressed bump on a log.

[jammo1989]

I'm 7 weeks post b/u and 23 days no contact. I'm feeling good today about things. I just need some insight on this... .She has been posting a lot on facebook.  Pictures of her and her friends, etc. She looks so happy. She's hanging out with old friends that she used to complain to me about. She could have been hanging out with them while with me, yet she chose to sit on the couch doing nothing. It's as if she is blaming me for being depressed and never doing anything.  Is it because I'm the one currently painted black so everyone else in her life is white again? It just bugs me that she can instantly be out having fun and appearing to be completely fine after being a depressed bump on a log.

Hey Xid, Facebook is merely a false reality of ones actual self, cluster Bs use it for Narcissistic supply if NPD, attention if HPD/BPD.  Following on from this it is important to understand that, people usually only post things to paint a false reality of how they are actually feeling. For example, if you get dumped by your gf, men will usually try and get a picture with a girl friend of theirs to make their ex jealous.  So in reality hes creating a fake image to hide his true feelings.  Cluster Bs in general all follow the same motion of script.  Your friend has probably worked out that you know her real self (behind the mask) and she been triggered and the best thing for her to do to help suppress her inner pain of abandonment she has split you black, she can only associate with people who dont know the real her, so her fake image is constantly on show.  It would seem that she has ran from you from being triggered and has now gone back to old friends who dont know the real her.  I dont think this has anything to do with you, she hasnt done this to get a reaction out of you because, It was never about you, you were provider/ carer at that moment in time, she may come back, but untill then id just accept the fact that Cluster Bs cant handle situations like we do because they were never taught how to, so sadly running away and closing the door on you is the only thing she knows when it comes to coping and defensive mechanisms.     

[Xidion]

I'm 7 weeks post b/u and 23 days no contact. I'm feeling good today about things. I just need some insight on this... .She has been posting a lot on facebook.  Pictures of her and her friends, etc. She looks so happy. She's hanging out with old friends that she used to complain to me about. She could have been hanging out with them while with me, yet she chose to sit on the couch doing nothing. It's as if she is blaming me for being depressed and never doing anything.  Is it because I'm the one currently painted black so everyone else in her life is white again? It just bugs me that she can instantly be out having fun and appearing to be completely fine after being a depressed bump on a log.

Hey Xid, Facebook is merely a false reality of ones actual self, cluster Bs use it for Narcissistic supply if NPD, attention if HPD/BPD.  Following on from this it is important to understand that, people usually only post things to paint a false reality of how they are actually feeling. For example, if you get dumped by your gf, men will usually try and get a picture with a girl friend of theirs to make their ex jealous.  So in reality hes creating a fake image to hide his true feelings.  Cluster Bs in general all follow the same motion of script.  Your friend has probably worked out that you know her real self (behind the mask) and she been triggered and the best thing for her to do to help suppress her inner pain of abandonment she has split you black, she can only associate with people who dont know the real her, so her fake image is constantly on show.  It would seem that she has ran from you from being triggered and has now gone back to old friends who dont know the real her.  I dont think this has anything to do with you, she hasnt done this to get a reaction out of you because, It was never about you, you were provider/ carer at that moment in time, she may come back, but untill then id just accept the fact that Cluster Bs cant handle situations like we do because they were never taught how to, so sadly running away and closing the door on you is the only thing she knows when it comes to coping and defensive mechanisms.     

This makes a lot of sense. She didn't leave until I found out she was having an emotional affair. I didn't believe her lies and called her out on it. That's when she ran for the hills and started her smear campaign. She is now officially in a relationship with this guy and they are calling each other "babe" all the time. I treated her very good. In the end, she told me her replacement was an upgrade, that I didn't treat her good and to never contact her again. Since then she has done 2 very obvious drive bys,  but no contact other than that.

[NonAverageJoe]

So eerily similar she sounds like my suspected npd/BPD ex. Here is the reality REMOVE HER FROM FACEBOOK AND BLOCK.

Change your ringer, change your text noise change your alarm noise and change your route home.

[jammo1989]

I'm 7 weeks post b/u and 23 days no contact. I'm feeling good today about things. I just need some insight on this... .She has been posting a lot on facebook.  Pictures of her and her friends, etc. She looks so happy. She's hanging out with old friends that she used to complain to me about. She could have been hanging out with them while with me, yet she chose to sit on the couch doing nothing. It's as if she is blaming me for being depressed and never doing anything.  Is it because I'm the one currently painted black so everyone else in her life is white again? It just bugs me that she can instantly be out having fun and appearing to be completely fine after being a depressed bump on a log.

Hey Xid, Facebook is merely a false reality of ones actual self, cluster Bs use it for Narcissistic supply if NPD, attention if HPD/BPD.  Following on from this it is important to understand that, people usually only post things to paint a false reality of how they are actually feeling. For example, if you get dumped by your gf, men will usually try and get a picture with a girl friend of theirs to make their ex jealous.  So in reality hes creating a fake image to hide his true feelings.  Cluster Bs in general all follow the same motion of script.  Your friend has probably worked out that you know her real self (behind the mask) and she been triggered and the best thing for her to do to help suppress her inner pain of abandonment she has split you black, she can only associate with people who dont know the real her, so her fake image is constantly on show.  It would seem that she has ran from you from being triggered and has now gone back to old friends who dont know the real her.  I dont think this has anything to do with you, she hasnt done this to get a reaction out of you because, It was never about you, you were provider/ carer at that moment in time, she may come back, but untill then id just accept the fact that Cluster Bs cant handle situations like we do because they were never taught how to, so sadly running away and closing the door on you is the only thing she knows when it comes to coping and defensive mechanisms.     

This makes a lot of sense. She didn't leave until I found out she was having an emotional affair. I didn't believe her lies and called her out on it. That's when she ran for the hills and started her smear campaign. She is now officially in a relationship with this guy and they are calling each other "babe" all the time. I treated her very good. In the end, she told me her replacement was an upgrade, that I didn't treat her good and to never contact her again. Since then she has done 2 very obvious drive bys,  but no contact other than that.

Youll be pleased to know that, i have your answer, so sit back and try and understand exactly how this all works:

Right, you need to remember that cluster Bs have no inner self, they most likely grew up with parents that were extremely distant or emotionally abusive, this means that, they are extremely impulsive with their behavior, they lack the empathy that we saw in our parents during our childhood.  So in basic terms they were never taught the way in which our parents guided us.  For example, i know that cheating emotionally is wrong, but to a cluster B they have next to no guilty conscious, so in theory they will cheat or flirt, and their goal isnt to hurt us (unless NPD) its because they are craving that attention, remember attention makes them feel visible to the world, makes them feel like a real person.  Then leads me to the next part of your question, she said she upgraded.  Remember what i mentioned to you before about not being guided by parents? well... .in a healthy individual an upgrade would include the following:

Bigger, stronger, taller

more money

better job

better car

more educated

richer family

But to a Cluster B an upgrade is someone who will answer to her needs at that specific moment in time, the upgrade is the one that catches them before they fall flat on their face, she runs to the guy giving her the most attention at the time, and hes seen as the rescuer, this can be anyone, and a lot of the time the next guy is a downgrade, am i saying this just to make you feel better? no im actually not because, BPDs are all about control, they cant control their own emotions so they know that they MUST have control over a weaker individual in order to suppress their own abandonment fears.  :)o you really think a BPD would go from us a celebrity? No because its not about the money or status its about having control over an individual to secure the risk of you not leaving.  Now we will talk about Mirroring.

Think of a Cluster B who always looks at herself in the mirror, and you are her mirror, she looks in you what she wants to see in her self, this is why they will act like they are into a hobby of yours, then when the next person comes along his hobbies are now seen as hers to, this is solely because of the no inner self I was talking about.  So when you called her out on her out and said i know what your doing, i know who you really are! the reflection in the mirror (us) smashes and the true ugly woman finally reflects back at them (The mask falls off) they cant stand and are absolutely disgusted with what they see, and just like all troubled children they run from the own monster they see, they then freak out and blame us for triggering their depression, anxiety and deep inner wounds, and sadly once triggered if NPD they wont ever return.  So what you need to understand here is, the next guy hasn't seen the monster behind the mask yet, and to make sure it stays that way the BPD will do everything in their power to idolize that person, until eventually the mask falls off again and the cycle repeats over and over again.

P.s the reason why they go back to old friends, smear campaign us and block us from he new bfs social media is because, they are petrified over being found out for who they really are, so a lot of their energy goes into making sure we are the crazy ones, and its sad because the guys with weak boundaries actually grow to believe these lies.            

[Xidion]

Again, jammo, I think you hit the nail right on the head. She would even complain about not giving her enough attention. The reality was that I had just got a promotion at work and wad working 50-60 hours a week. I paid all the bills and supported both of us financially. When at home, my free time was dedicated to her. Sometimes she would ask me to cuddle, I would tell her "as soon as I finish doing x thing). If more then 10 minutes went by and I wasn't laying with her yet, she would say "did you forget about me?". She began seeking attention from other people. In my opinion, a mentally healthy person would feel security in my financial status and willingness to pay all the bills and only ask for minimal cleaning in return. She really doesn't know what I did for her.

[jammo1989]

Again, jammo, I think you hit the nail right on the head. She would even complain about not giving her enough attention. The reality was that I had just got a promotion at work and wad working 50-60 hours a week. I paid all the bills and supported both of us financially. When at home, my free time was dedicated to her. Sometimes she would ask me to cuddle, I would tell her "as soon as I finish doing x thing). If more then 10 minutes went by and I wasn't laying with her yet, she would say "did you forget about me?". She began seeking attention from other people. In my opinion, a mentally healthy person would feel security in my financial status and willingness to pay all the bills and only ask for minimal cleaning in return. She really doesn't know what I did for her.

Mate we have all been there, my ex was 23 still married and had 2 children, lived off benefits and refused to work.  She went from me, a muscular guy who worked, had a degree, a wealthy family, to someone who lives with his mum in a council house, doesn't work, and is still in college.  What you have to understand is this, and its extremely important!

They weren't brought up to believe you need to work to earn money, they weren't taught the value of money.  That is why you hear people saying she expects to go on holiday, BUT she gets angry at me because I have to work to pay for it.  Money and status to BPDs mean NOTHING!  That is why they downgrade, for them all they need is constant attention, and if you want to get on in life you cant surround yourself with people like that.  I spent well in excess of £8000 on my ex over our 2 year relationship, but they dont know or look into the value of things.  My family are pretty well off, and my ex begged me to give her her 3rd child when she sensed abandonment.  I told her, but we cant right now, she then said i dont care if all 5 of us have to sleep in a one bedroom flat i want your baby i crave it! She later told me she might be pregnant and that she was going to keep it, i called her out on her s h i t, she then told me i killed our baby, blocked me from everything and got into a new relationship 3 weeks later.  I later found out that she faked the abortion an was never pregnant.  So the moral of the story for me and you included is to accept and forget, would you rather live on benefits with 2-3 kids, or would you rather make a life of your own?  They are selfish because thry werent given the start in life they feel as if society owes them, and that we should suffer to.   

[Xidion]

My brain is there, I'm just waiting for my heart to catch up. I had a lot invested into out relationship emotionally. Your insight has been by far the most helpful.  I thank you for that. If I can get anything out of this, it's that now I know what red flags to look for and I know what I want and do not want in a partner.  Although, part of me wants her to try to re engage me months from now so that I can deny her. But if the chance for revenge never comes, so be it. I guess the best revenge is success and happiness.

[jammo1989]

My brain is there, I'm just waiting for my heart to catch up. I had a lot invested into out relationship emotionally. Your insight has been by far the most helpful.  I thank you for that. If I can get anything out of this, it's that now I know what red flags to look for and I know what I want and do not want in a partner.  Although, part of me wants her to try to re engage me months from now so that I can deny her. But if the chance for revenge never comes, so be it. I guess the best revenge is success and happiness.

Here's a bit of powerful psychology for you, when the BPD runs away, blocks us, banishes us from their Kingdom, they are trying to make you feel invisible just like how they felt when they were abused as children, they want us to feel their pain as punishment for our actions.  So with this in mind, it is important for you to realise and understand that, they are making us feel just like them, we are now hoping for them to return (validation) so we are craving for the very thing they have been doing their whole life, but the difference with us as  healthy adults we want to know if we actually meant something, just so that we can reject them and get a sense of our own self worth again.   Can you now see why it is so easy to fall into that trap of wanting to be recycled? We tend to act like them but only short term before we find our inner selves again, they have no inner self, so imagine the very feeling you have now of wanting this validation of feeling worthy for the rest of your life.  Now you can finally see and understand how lost and emotionally numb these cluster Bs really are, we can control our own ego and validation they can't, because it was never there for them to begin with.

[Xidion]

My brain is there, I'm just waiting for my heart to catch up. I had a lot invested into out relationship emotionally. Your insight has been by far the most helpful.  I thank you for that. If I can get anything out of this, it's that now I know what red flags to look for and I know what I want and do not want in a partner.  Although, part of me wants her to try to re engage me months from now so that I can deny her. But if the chance for revenge never comes, so be it. I guess the best revenge is success and happiness.

Here's a bit of powerful psychology for you, when the BPD runs away, blocks us, banishes us from their Kingdom, they are trying to make you feel invisible just like how they felt when they were abused as children, they want us to feel their pain as punishment for our actions.  So with this in mind, it is important for you to realise and understand that, they are making us feel just like them, we are now hoping for them to return (validation) so we are craving for the very thing they have been doing their whole life, but the difference with us as  healthy adults we want to know if we actually meant something, just so that we can reject them and get a sense of our own self worth again.   Can you now see why it is so easy to fall into that trap of wanting to be recycled? We tend to act like them but only short term before we find our inner selves again, they have no inner self, so imagine the very feeling you have now of wanting this validation of feeling worthy for the rest of your life.  Now you can finally see and understand how lost and emotionally numb these cluster Bs really are, we can control our own ego and validation they can't, because it was never there for them to begin with.

I am currently working on being myself again. Being who I was before I met her. I guess feeling the emptiness my whole life would be a terrible experience. I still don't think it justifies the way she treated me in the end. Seeing as how I would a have literally taken a bullet for her. Can you explain her blocking and unblocking me on facebook multiple times? (I know this might not have a huge meaning). And her 2 noticeable drivebys.  Once was as I was leaving my cousins house. She drove by as I was exiting the front door, came to a complete stop I'm the middle of the road for about 5 seconds, then drove off. The next time was about 4 days later as I was leaving work at 1:30 am. She was driving by very slowly as I was leaving (she knows exactly what time I get off of work). I actually was able to get into my car and catch up to her to see if it was really her. The license plate was hers, so I know for a fact it was her. I know we can't explain this, but would there be any reason she would be doing this?

[HappyNihilist]

Here's a bit of powerful psychology for you, when the BPD runs away, blocks us, banishes us from their Kingdom, they are trying to make you feel invisible just like how they felt when they were abused as children, they want us to feel their pain as punishment for our actions.

It's not about us at all.

When a pwBPD runs away, they are doing so to avoid their own pain and potential emotional death. They're not trying to punish us, or make us feel like they did as children. It has nothing to do with us.

[Xidion]

Here's a bit of powerful psychology for you, when the BPD runs away, blocks us, banishes us from their Kingdom, they are trying to make you feel invisible just like how they felt when they were abused as children, they want us to feel their pain as punishment for our actions.

It's not about us at all.

When a pwBPD runs away, they are doing so to avoid their own pain and potential emotional death. They're not trying to punish us, or make us feel like they did as children. It has nothing to do with us.

I'm not so sure anymore. With the things she said to me, it seemed like she was deliberately trying to hurt me.

[Left broken and confused]

My situation is very odd because my ex made it clear from the start of our relationship that if crossed he could be very nasty. During our relationship a handful of times he would say very hurtful down right cruel things to me when we would fight. He would always apologize and say he know none of the things he said was true.

Most of the time when we would fight we would just go for weeks without talking and for me it was a break which I needed for my own sanity but not a break up and he would always reach out to me first and we would work it out.

What I find odd is we do talk normally it is me who texts him first (I hate to admit it ) but he never is nasty or says anything mean to me and always responds to my text within a few minutes.

I just seems odd and out of character and I was wondering if anyone can explain why? He has been with my replacement for several months now and so far 2 times has tried to get me to have sex with him but each time it didn't work out

[HappyNihilist]

Here's a bit of powerful psychology for you, when the BPD runs away, blocks us, banishes us from their Kingdom, they are trying to make you feel invisible just like how they felt when they were abused as children, they want us to feel their pain as punishment for our actions.

It's not about us at all.

When a pwBPD runs away, they are doing so to avoid their own pain and potential emotional death. They're not trying to punish us, or make us feel like they did as children. It has nothing to do with us.

I'm not so sure anymore. With the things she said to me, it seemed like she was deliberately trying to hurt me.

Oh yes, they can be deliberately hurtful when they're upset. They can be punitive, too. (My exbf was both.)

But the running away is borne of something entirely different. It's a method of self-preservation.

[jammo1989]

My situation is very odd because my ex made it clear from the start of our relationship that if crossed he could be very nasty. During our relationship a handful of times he would say very hurtful down right cruel things to me when we would fight. He would always apologize and say he know none of the things he said was true.

Most of the time when we would fight we would just go for weeks without talking and for me it was a break which I needed for my own sanity but not a break up and he would always reach out to me first and we would work it out.

What I find odd is we do talk normally it is me who texts him first (I hate to admit it ) but he never is nasty or says anything mean to me and always responds to my text within a few minutes.

I just seems odd and out of character and I was wondering if anyone can explain why? He has been with my replacement for several months now and so far 2 times has tried to get me to have sex with him but each time it didn't work out

Hey left Broken, it sounds to me that you weren't with a BPD, but In fact an NPD, my ex was an NPD, do you know anything about Narcissitic personality disorder? If not I can point you in the right direction to help you get a better understanding on to what the hell went on in your relationship.

[jammo1989]

Here's a bit of powerful psychology for you, when the BPD runs away, blocks us, banishes us from their Kingdom, they are trying to make you feel invisible just like how they felt when they were abused as children, they want us to feel their pain as punishment for our actions.

It's not about us at all.

When a pwBPD runs away, they are doing so to avoid their own pain and potential emotional death. They're not trying to punish us, or make us feel like they did as children. It has nothing to do with us.

Maybe what I explained is more NPD behaviour rather than BPD, but they all get nasty when they realise we can't live up to their expectations, they almost always turn into the punitive parent.

[PaintedBlack28]

Here's a bit of powerful psychology for you, when the BPD runs away, blocks us, banishes us from their Kingdom, they are trying to make you feel invisible just like how they felt when they were abused as children, they want us to feel their pain as punishment for our actions.

It's not about us at all.

When a pwBPD runs away, they are doing so to avoid their own pain and potential emotional death. They're not trying to punish us, or make us feel like they did as children. It has nothing to do with us.

I absolutely agree. It's not about us at all. It's the disorder.

[CloseToFreedom]

No worries, I'm going through the same thing. I have her blocked on facebook but I see the pictures on instagram as well, and as I've split up with her 10 times I know the drill. She'll post a lot of selfies, a lot of pictures of her having fun, going out, hanging out with people that indeed she used to complain about to me. When she was with me she had NO motivation to go out and have fun, while I had. Half the time I had to go alone.

Now that they left us, they need to prove to the world, or to themselves, they are doing fine and having a great life. I can assure you that by staying normal yourself, and not acting like this on social media, you are taking the higher road and people will notice this.

And for gods sake try to ignore her on social media. It wont do you any good. But if it helps: its all fake. Its all to make herself feel better about herself. From the inside, she is hurting.

[jammo1989]

Here's a bit of powerful psychology for you, when the BPD runs away, blocks us, banishes us from their Kingdom, they are trying to make you feel invisible just like how they felt when they were abused as children, they want us to feel their pain as punishment for our actions.

It's not about us at all.

When a pwBPD runs away, they are doing so to avoid their own pain and potential emotional death. They're not trying to punish us, or make us feel like they did as children. It has nothing to do with us.

I absolutely agree. It's not about us at all. It's the disorder.

If it wasn't about us and about them entirely, you wouldnt see over half the members on this forum trying to analyse beyond normal human behaviour.  For example, if it wasn't about us, then why would they smear campaign us? Tell everyone how bad we were.  If it was solely about them they would run away into the darkness with complete indifference, but instead, the BPD lashed out at us, plays the role of the victim and makes it known that we are the evil ones, that we were the ones that hurt them.  So as far as being the selfish little child that never grew up is concerned, your right, it's not about us, but if that were the case then whydo they make it known through emotional and sometimes physical behaviour that we have wronged them long after the relationship had ended.

[going places]

I'm 7 weeks post b/u and 23 days no contact. I'm feeling good today about things. I just need some insight on this... .She has been posting a lot on facebook.  Pictures of her and her friends, etc. She looks so happy. She's hanging out with old friends that she used to complain to me about. She could have been hanging out with them while with me, yet she chose to sit on the couch doing nothing. It's as if she is blaming me for being depressed and never doing anything.  Is it because I'm the one currently painted black so everyone else in her life is white again? It just bugs me that she can instantly be out having fun and appearing to be completely fine after being a depressed bump on a log.

*Block all social media. All of it.

*www.meetup.com and find a group in your area so you can spread your wings and make new connections / friendships / relationships.

*It is 7 weeks post b/u with almost a month of no contact... .you are doing great! Time to start working on YOU and getting YOU out there... .she is the past. Leave her there.

[Left broken and confused]

Hi jammo1989

I don't know much about NPD but I did google it yesterday and he fits a few of the traits but the BPD he fits almost all of them.  I would love if you can point me in the right direction to learn more

[jammo1989]

Hi jammo1989

I don't know much about NPD but I did google it yesterday and he fits a few of the traits but the BPD he fits almost all of them.  I would love if you can point me in the right direction to learn more

NPD or Narcissistic Personality Disorder is different to BPDs in the sense that, BPDs actually want to love but find it extremely hard to because of childhood trauma and excessive trust issues, where as, the NPD sees us a merely an object to add to their Narcissistic supply (attention) in the world of the NPD they must secure narcissistic supply in order to hide the fake image to who they really are.  For example, Narcissistic supply can be described as the drug of choice by the NPD.  They often lie because they know by lieing it hides their true self.  My ex was an NPD, and I can give you a few examples of how it worked:

Shes 23, with no family, job or education, currently living of the state   

1. After she broke up with me, she told me i was holding her back in life, and that she was now working full time (this was a lie)

2. She told me her dad was buying her a car ready for her theory (Doesn't even speak to her dad)

3. Told me she had booked a 2 week holiday to Australia (This was a lie)

The NPD over exaggerates goals and status in order to look and feel more successful than they actually are.  It is also important to understand that Narcs see you as their slave, they will belittle you when they feel like your taking to much control away from them in the relationship.  They will also be cruel in order to get a reaction, because by getting a reaction their getting the attention they need to keep up their Narcissistic Supply.  They have next to no empathy what so ever, so if you have been dumped cruelly, maybe blocked, laughed at while crying it is their way of punishing you for not answering to their needs.  We are objects to them, they know and mine especially, learnt from a young age that her body could seduce men whether it was for attention and admiration or just feel to feel whole again, and of course this feeling is short term.  NPDs will ALWAYS have a back up supply during the relationship, this is why they don't feel emotional pain, because as soon as they get attention and admiration from elsewhere your gone, they can and will drop you without a single care because like i just mentioned the only thing they need (supply) is already there waiting for them.  When the supply runs out, and it will when the youth of the individual starts to diminish, they will go back to exes, because, without supply (attention, admiration) they are nothing, and deep down they know this, this is exactly what the NPD tries to hide from others, they feel worthless, much like the BPD but the BPD acts out (rages, cuts themselves,drug abuse, depression, anxiety) Where as the NPD hides behind a mask of wanting to be perfect and they will destroy anyone who thinks otherwise.  The NPD is cruel during the devaluation and discard process because in their minds your not doing as your told, in theory you could compare a NPD relationship as being a hostage to the person who was supposed to love you, but the sad fact is that, NPDs never loved, they merely mirrored what they wanted themselves to be, what they see in us is something they want to be deep down, but they cant because of lack of inner self.  NPDs try to destroy their lovers during the end of the relationship because they act out as the spoilt child that didn't get what they felt they deserved, they are ruthless, selfish and the most misguided people on the planet along with the Anti Socials and Psychopaths.  If none of this describes your ex then maybe he is BPD and if so, I will try and help you understand more about the psychology behind the BPD.                         

[Targeted]

Jammo,

you make me wonder if my ex was comorbid with NPD. She really wants to be loved and I know that, she always says that she wanting normal relationship and to be married. but with the cheating and lying and everything else that brought our relationship to an end that is common in BPD in the end when I told I was done I'm sure I was smeared to everyone she knows just like she told me about everybody else but the lack of conscience to be able to call child services on me to get my children from a previous marriage away from me just seems heartless.  Could that be just BPD or most likely  comorbid within NPD,  I know she likes to talk about herself in a way that is always perfect but the fact is she actually lives in a dump.

I believe BPD has a core narcissistic wound but how commonly are they comorbid

[Left broken and confused]

Thank you Jammo

Is it possible to have BPD with only certain treats of NPD? He really fits the BPD to a T but a few treats of NPD. He seems to truly want to love and be loved but I never seemed to do enough for him to believe I loved him. Every situation was about him someone was always doing something wrong to either him or his son even if it really had nothing to do with either one. If I was able to talk it out with him he would understand that what he was thinking or feeling wasn't real but he didn't always give me the opportunity to do so. He was a black hole of love it was just never enough for him. He didn't even want to share his attention from me with friends or family at times. He was also very insistent on getting married

[Xidion]

I believe my ex to be BPD with some NPD traits. One thing I remember is how's jealous she always was I'd her brother and step brother. She would talk about how her step brother always got everything he wanted,  but she didn't. The same with her real brother. She could never just let it go. Jammo,  can I get your insight on my ex noticeably driving by places that I am at?

[Hawk Ridge]

My expwBPD ALWAYS slept when we were together... .5 hours every afternoon.  My replacement has several children.  I often wonder if she changed for her.  Today, however, I am feeling free... .almost 9 months out and finally feeling more conviction that I do not want to go back to that, the lies, the failed commitments. My replacement can have that.   I am free.

[jammo1989]

Jammo,

you make me wonder if my ex was comorbid with NPD. She really wants to be loved and I know that, she always says that she wanting normal relationship and to be married. but with the cheating and lying and everything else that brought our relationship to an end that is common in BPD in the end when I told I was done I'm sure I was smeared to everyone she knows just like she told me about everybody else but the lack of conscience to be able to call child services on me to get my children from a previous marriage away from me just seems heartless.  Could that be just BPD or most likely  comorbid within NPD,  I know she likes to talk about herself in a way that is always perfect but the fact is she actually lives in a dump.

I believe BPD has a core narcissistic wound but how commonly are they comorbid

From my own personal experience I would say that, the lies play a big part in both Cluster B disorders, but the lies from the NPD are used to feel more superior than they actually are. For example, she may say to you i just spent £500 on on my childs birthday presents, when you know that she doesnt even have £500 in the bank.  Their lies are used to make themselves feel more in control in their life than they actually are.  Think of the BPD as the child that looks up to you (i feel worthless without you) then think of the NPD who belittles you and almost acts as if they are looking down on you.  This is how the NPD hides behind the mask they lead others to believe that they are superior to others, when deep down they know their not.  Think of it like a cheerleader bulling a Nerd in high school, then behind close doors looking at themselves in the mirror and hating what they see.  Children of an NPD mother would have to deal with the silent treatment a lot, so the child would learn that in order to get the attention of the parent they had to act out to get the attention.  For example, if everything is going well in the relationship, the NPD would create a situation by the means of acting out to get attention, its solely behavior that they had learnt to do at a very young age.      

[jammo1989]

Thank you Jammo

Is it possible to have BPD with only certain treats of NPD? He really fits the BPD to a T but a few treats of NPD. He seems to truly want to love and be loved but I never seemed to do enough for him to believe I loved him. Every situation was about him someone was always doing something wrong to either him or his son even if it really had nothing to do with either one. If I was able to talk it out with him he would understand that what he was thinking or feeling wasn't real but he didn't always give me the opportunity to do so. He was a black hole of love it was just never enough for him. He didn't even want to share his attention from me with friends or family at times. He was also very insistent on getting married

Yes then can be co morbid meaning a transition of personality traits, the Me, me, me you experienced with him was that typical of an NPD, the world has to revolve around him/ her and their needs,  For example, if their mother/father was an alcoholic, then, the attention was solely focused on the parent because they couldn't look after themselves, so with this in mind the child had to meet the needs of the parent, but the needs of the child were never met, thats why Cluster Bs cant and dont understand how to deal with their problems in a normal and mature way.  The NPD resents the world around them, they take out their anger on others (no one was there for me when i needed them, so i wont be there for you) That is why relationships with Cluster Bs are so one sided.  Marriage for BPDs and NPDs isnt based on love its based on what they NEED from YOU.  A woman with NPD would rush marriage to insure they have caught their prey.  They know that as soon as they get that label you are now bound to them and used when needed.  For example, entrapment, the woman will get pregnant not out of love but for control, remember they see others as objects, so the baby is now going to be used as a weapon to control and extort money from the male.  Where as, the BPD in my opinion wants marriage because it makes them feel more secure from their own abandonment fears.  So in bother Cluster B scenarios its not about love or what you want its about what they NEED at the time, and with all this in mind I will give you a perfect example based on my experience with my ex NPD.

My ex was still married and still is married to her husband, even during our relationship, she also had 2 children with him, she once told me i never go back to exes, and the reason why we broke up is because she faked pregnancy and abortion, so what am i getting at?

The NPD needs Narc supply, so she knows that, she can still have her child support and things brought for her by the ex husband, while at the same time as her BF i was catering for her needs and financially protecting her as well, so why would she go back to this once perfect husband when she can kill 2 birds with one stone.  She also know that Narc supply will always be be available from the husband (will always have contact with her) because of the kids.  So when i refused to give her a baby she blocked me never to talk to me again, but 2 weeks before this she wanted our baby.  NPDs dont look for and feel love they simply use the tactics they taught themselves as a child and used it as an art to their own survival,  the NPD expects to be catered for, you are their servant and if you dont cooperate your dead to them!         

[jammo1989]

I believe my ex to be BPD with some NPD traits. One thing I remember is how's jealous she always was I'd her brother and step brother. She would talk about how her step brother always got everything he wanted,  but she didn't. The same with her real brother. She could never just let it go. Jammo,  can I get your insight on my ex noticeably driving by places that I am at?

As an honest opinion to your question, if she is more BPD she doesnt know what she wants, she cant handle her emotions (come here i love you, go away i hate you) so she MAY be doing this to provoke a reaction for you to reach out to her by saying "hey saw you the other day"  she may also be keeping an eye on you, remember Cluster Bs are selfish, so shes thinking if he moves on and gets a new gf I will make sure i give him hell for abandoning me.  Where as if your dealing with a real NPD she wont even acknowledge you exist, she most certainly wont be thinking about you because to her your a distant memory.  Personally if she is an actual NPD i would run because your only going to give her a reason to abuse you and trust me she finds great pleasure in doing so because it makes her feel powerful!     

[Targeted]

Thank you jammo

She was definitely comorbid with NPD

[Xidion]

I believe my ex to be BPD with some NPD traits. One thing I remember is how's jealous she always was I'd her brother and step brother. She would talk about how her step brother always got everything he wanted,  but she didn't. The same with her real brother. She could never just let it go. Jammo,  can I get your insight on my ex noticeably driving by places that I am at?

As an honest opinion to your question, if she is more BPD she doesnt know what she wants, she cant handle her emotions (come here i love you, go away i hate you) so she MAY be doing this to provoke a reaction for you to reach out to her by saying "hey saw you the other day"  she may also be keeping an eye on you, remember Cluster Bs are selfish, so shes thinking if he moves on and gets a new gf I will make sure i give him hell for abandoning me.  Where as if your dealing with a real NPD she wont even acknowledge you exist, she most certainly wont be thinking about you because to her your a distant memory.  Personally if she is an actual NPD i would run because your only going to give her a reason to abuse you and trust me she finds great pleasure in doing so because it makes her feel powerful!     

She's more BPD. She shares all of the traits of BPD. I didn't give into the temptation of contacting her when I saw her doing this.  Why should I? She is idealizing my replacement right now.  I don't want to engage in her stupid games,  although the curiosity still lingers.

[Left broken and confused]

I also believe my ex is BPD definitely with very strong NPD traits.  I just realized the only time he would respond me during an argument was when I used to yell at him. I am very laid back and normally don't raise my voice but a hand full of times I lost it and it was like he popped back to himself and apologized. Sort of like a mother and child

[HappyNihilist]

Here's a bit of powerful psychology for you, when the BPD runs away, blocks us, banishes us from their Kingdom, they are trying to make you feel invisible just like how they felt when they were abused as children, they want us to feel their pain as punishment for our actions.

It's not about us at all.

When a pwBPD runs away, they are doing so to avoid their own pain and potential emotional death. They're not trying to punish us, or make us feel like they did as children. It has nothing to do with us.

I absolutely agree. It's not about us at all. It's the disorder.

If it wasn't about us and about them entirely, you wouldnt see over half the members on this forum trying to analyse beyond normal human behaviour.  For example, if it wasn't about us, then why would they smear campaign us? Tell everyone how bad we were.  If it was solely about them they would run away into the darkness with complete indifference, but instead, the BPD lashed out at us, plays the role of the victim and makes it known that we are the evil ones, that we were the ones that hurt them.  So as far as being the selfish little child that never grew up is concerned, your right, it's not about us, but if that were the case then whydo they make it known through emotional and sometimes physical behaviour that we have wronged them long after the relationship had ended.

The specific behavior being discussed in that particular instance was the running away. Which has everything to do with the pwBPD's core fears.

Why do they harbor resentments, smear us, etc.? Because we have become the dumping grounds for their negative feelings. They felt bad when they were with us, so in their minds we must have done something to make them feel bad. They can't handle these painful feelings without finding someone to "blame." This is not done consciously; it's a survival mechanism. We become the bucket into which they pour these negative emotions.

They say that we have wronged them because they believe that we have wronged/failed them. That is their reality. They felt bad... .we must have caused it... .case closed.

That doesn't mean that the behavior is meant to punish us. If anything, it's more to soothe the pwBPD's pain and fears than anything to do with us.