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Author Topic: You try to change me-Stating bounderies  (Read 482 times)
icecream
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
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« on: December 23, 2014, 04:31:32 PM »

I did tried to help her, fix her, save her, create a wonderfull future for us, support her to balance her life into more stability... and yes, i did find the energy by giving her my best efforts in the hope she could give the same to me as she did when we started to fall for each other.

When things got confused, messed up and when i started to state bounderies -mainly about her silent treatments/passive agressive social media-stuff towards me- Thats when she said i wanted to change her.

I was the first to support her in "being yourself", "you are good enough as you are for me" and stuff like that... .you know, to pump up her self-esteem. But by putting a boundery -after i showed my patience- made me suddenly into someone who wanted to change her. Yes, i did wanted to change the outcome of her silent treatments because it is disrespectfull towards me and thats how she felt i wanted to change her roots... .

Trying to change a partner is wrong ofcourse, putting bounderies to try to get along with respect for eachother is something else in my opinion. These are the moments/discussions i really dont miss, but after 3 months of nc these discussions still live in my head, not because we never came to a constructive outcome but because i never came to a point to make my point on values in life!

So can i conclude her roots didnt had the values of life like i have (respect/trust/honesty/loyalty... )?
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Infern0
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« Reply #1 on: December 23, 2014, 04:42:22 PM »

Trying to change people is wrong,  of course.

But when your loving,  caring partner suddenly turns into a monster I think it's pretty normal reaction to try and get them to change back
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HappyNihilist
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« Reply #2 on: December 23, 2014, 06:13:01 PM »

When things got confused, messed up and when i started to state bounderies -mainly about her silent treatments/passive agressive social media-stuff towards me- Thats when she said i wanted to change her.

This reaction isn't uncommon with pwBPD. They will often respond to a partner setting limits or enforcing boundaries by accusing the partner of being "controlling."

It's very good that you were taking care of yourself in this way.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

I was the first to support her in "being yourself", "you are good enough as you are for me" and stuff like that... .you know, to pump up her self-esteem.

I did tried to help her, fix her, save her, 

If she was "good enough as she was," then why were you trying to "fix" and "save" her?

Do you see the contradiction? pwBPD see it, even when we don't.

Just as every human is, a pwBPD is the sum of all his/her parts. BPD is a personality disorder. This is their personality. This is who they are. All of it.

There's a tendency to focus on the "good person inside" -- this, after all, is who you're so desperately trying to "save" -- at the exclusion of everything else that makes them who they are. This isn't fair to either party, as it can only lead to expectations that can never be met.

Trying to change a partner is wrong ofcourse, putting bounderies to try to get along with respect for eachother is something else in my opinion.



Trying to change a partner isn't necessarily "wrong." Yes, it's unfair to both of you, and it's an exercise in futility, but it isn't wrong. We're human, it happens.

Having boundaries to protect yourself is vital. But helping, fixing, saving -- these are all ways of controlling. They're intrusive... .sort of the opposite of boundaries, actually.

If you don't address the core issues of wanting to fix and save, then it will be hard for you to establish and enforce healthy boundaries in relationships.

i never came to a point to make my point on values in life!

So can i conclude her roots didnt had the values of life like i have (respect/trust/honesty/loyalty... )?

I would think that's a likely conclusion. 

You're doing good work. Take this opportunity to truly learn all about yourself.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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icecream
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« Reply #3 on: December 24, 2014, 07:20:01 AM »

Thank you for your clear reply  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  HappyNihilist.

Exactly, this is were the contradiction does its work and keeps the unlogical events running around in my head to hope to find an explanation or the state of letting go what cant be explained.

The months before the confusion started and before i got dumped, thats when i wasnt focussed on the bad side. Perhaps she showed me a glimps/red flags/minor details of her "bad side" and like everyone you meet you take the good with the bad because overall when building a bound between two is taking them as they are- all of it. I understand that.

Until that point she didnt exposed her "all".

She was the victim of her past relationship, thats what our first conversations were about.

So i did tried to balance her moodswings/rollercoasters/be her calming harbour/support her when she went into therapy... .this is what i mean with saving/fixing/caring. And building her self-esteem by supporting her.

After the break up and trying to build a friendship is when i realized i got manipulated, lied to and more disrespectful things... basicly being used and being part of an unhealthy ex-partner/friendshipzone.

When putting bounderies at that point was the start of this silence since 3 months. But i'm glad i did!

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