Almost Three Weeks NC

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I don't feel so much pain just anger. I feel insulted. I didn't fall for it but I'm still insulted.

I right there with you, Joe. I can't wait for this to all be over. I had a dream last night that I had a confrontation with my replacement and beat the ___ out of him. I can't sleep well, I have trouble breathing from anxiety. I know she is spending every free second with him, and that's what hurts the most. I have never been replaced so quickly before and had it rubbed in my face. I think about this every second that I'm awake. I even went on a date and couldn't get it off of my mind. Know this, no matter how hard we tried or no matter what we could have done, the illness would have won in the end. Try to seperate your brain from your heart right now and listen to your brain. We have been through a truly traumatic experience.

[Xidion]

I don't feel so much pain just anger. I feel insulted. I didn't fall for it but I'm still insulted.

I right there with you, Joe. I can't wait for this to all be over. I had a dream last night that I had a confrontation with my replacement and beat the ___ out of him. I can't sleep well, I have trouble breathing from anxiety. I know she is spending every free second with him, and that's what hurts the most. I have never been replaced so quickly before and had it rubbed in my face. I think about this every second that I'm awake. I even went on a date and couldn't get it off of my mind. Know this, no matter how hard we tried or no matter what we could have done, the illness would have won in the end. Try to seperate your brain from your heart right now and listen to your brain. We have been through a truly traumatic experience.

[Mutt]

I don't feel so much pain just anger. I feel insulted. I didn't fall for it but I'm still insulted.

You were wronged. You been through a lot.

We have been through a truly traumatic experience.

Xidion's right. It's traumatic.

Keep posting. It helps to talk.

Hang in there.

--Mutt

[NonAverageJoe]

Sometimes I'm still in shock about it all.

[NonAverageJoe]

I just woke from a nightmare that she had also seduced my best friend and he insulted me too.

I cried in my dream and woke up with my heart pounding. I've never been through anything like this.

[NYMike]

I just woke from a nightmare that she had also seduced my best friend and he insulted me too.

I cried in my dream and woke up with my heart pounding. I've never been through anything like this.

You are not alone.I,too wake up with dreams of her and I holding each other in bed and cuddling like we used too.

Then I wake up and I am alone and my heart pounding.I am hoping this will all pass as long as I continue NC.

[peiper]

I just woke from a nightmare that she had also seduced my best friend and he insulted me too.

I cried in my dream and woke up with my heart pounding. I've never been through anything like this.

You are not alone.I,too wake up with dreams of her and I holding each other in bed and cuddling like we used too.

Then I wake up and I am alone and my heart pounding.I am hoping this will all pass as long as I continue NC.

I really think the dreams are a symptom of PTSD, which I have no doubt that I have.

[CloseToFreedom]

Almost a month out and I still have the dreams/nightmares at well. I often dream we're back together again, just like we've came back together for 10 times. Waking up feels terrible, realising it was a dream, while the feeling was so real... .

You are not alone. We all go through it.

[Xidion]

I had the dreams for the first 2 weeks of post bu,  then they stopped.  But the last 2 nights the dreams are coming back. Last night's dream,  I stole her car,  and she showed up with my replacement.  The dream was all about avoiding her and trying to get away with stealing her car. Weird.

[NonAverageJoe]

The dream about her and my best friend was horrific considering she used to say that if she had met him first she would have gotten with him but would also criticize his lack of a job etc.

The dream was stupid vivid and my friend even said, "You think you're better than everybody." There is more to it but I don't want to go into all of it. Luckily right now I have no interaction and she's gone. After a ton of nearly psychotic, vindictive, raging, unnecessary and heartless behavior I'm free.

[NonAverageJoe]

Spoke with the friend about the dream. He chuckled but told me that no matter what he saw me grow throughout the relationship and that last day when she called the cops she viewed with nothing but contempt.

He agreed that her following me out and those last two texts were her attempting to illicit a response and maintain some semblance of control.

I read on another thread about not playing to any of the roles, persecutor, victim of rescuer.

I realize now that I am the persecutor in her mind and when we last spoke my refusal to play that role by throwing her denial in her face is likely what elicited that scream of self hate.

I realize that by telling her Mother it was a good reason for her to try and put me back in that role.

I think at some point she was close to normal and she is going to have to go it alone now with enablers, users and sycophants instead of a real man, something she could never comprehend was that no real man spends all his time working or with his SO you have to have outside interests.

I think I'm safe from contact for a while but my friend gave me solid advice, he said when the time comes suggest therapy neutrally and keep moving on.

[NonAverageJoe]

I almost broke NC just now. I was thinking of a text.

It would have read:

"I'm aware we're done and over. I left you for cheating, just because I gave you a chance to prove me wrong and you proved me right therefore hurting me doesn't mean that I didn't leave you. I realize now just how deep your depravity goes. Those calls at three and four am crying. I imagine you had just got done having unprotected sex. Your demand that I finish inside of you when you returned was likely out of fear from being pregnant by someone else or just to get pregnant while you attempted to put your hooks in an easier mark. Finally, if I look like a lunatic to someone as delusional and mentally ill as you I'll take that as a compliment. I now realize that you never loved me and the majority of the negative things you had to say that were not rooted in observation were clearly your projected self hate, shame and loathing. I'm not perfect but I was trying and you couldn't have cared less. I now realize who you were texting after we first had sex. Goodbye is our always."

[NonAverageJoe]

Please someone tell me not to lash out.

[Xidion]

Please someone tell me not to lash out.

Stay cool man. You will be fine. Don't break your no contact streak. You will either get ignored or get something back that will anger you even further. Also don't hate yourself, it's normal to want to text her. Don't give her the satisfaction of knowing she has affected you. Because it will... .the best way for her to know you aren't affected is silence.

[NonAverageJoe]

I'm just pissed off still about her following me outside and then texting me hours later claiming she didn't have my stuff.

I think I'm finally firmly rooted in the anger stage which is ironic because this is where I started. I'm either going to call the sheriff tomorrow or have my mother try and get my books.

[Xidion]

I'm just pissed off still about her following me outside and then texting me hours later claiming she didn't have my stuff.

I think I'm finally firmly rooted in the anger stage which is ironic because this is where I started. I'm either going to call the sheriff tomorrow or have my mother try and get my books.

However you go about it, I would try to do it through a 3rd party like you're talking about. Any face to face interaction with her right now would probably be bad. Maybe call the sheriff and explain the situation and see if there is anything that they can do.

[NonAverageJoe]

I'll talk to my mother in the morning. I don't want to let this slide.

It's sad how she pulled this crap. I think that she was expecting a response. Expecting me to be jealous or get angry again.

[NYMike]

I'll talk to my mother in the morning. I don't want to let this slide.

It's sad how she pulled this crap. I think that she was expecting a response. Expecting me to be jealous or get angry again.

That's what they do.They LOVE the negative attention and response.Do not fall for this like NYMIKE did.

I fell right into her trap and snapped.Now I have an Order Of Protection and Courts and Lawayers to buy.More drama.

Once I snapped it feed her being the ''victim'' and never owning her responsibility.In her mind it was 100% me and now all she has to do is tell the world I am a stalker,abusive etc etc etc and show the world her Order Of Protection on me.This justify's all her crappy sick behaviors.Now she can run to people and play victim and she will find a new person to co-sign all her crap and ''save the day''.Until the new person catches on that she is DISORDERED like I did.

Don't fall into this trap and stay Cool and Calm.Don't give her the power to run your emotions like I did.I am sorry I ever allowed this NUT JOB to run my emotions the way she did.

I hope that helped I bit

NYMIKE

[peace28]

My ex tried to force herself on me to "finish" inside her so I could get her pregnant.  Of course I refused.  This was after she came home from a weekend away with her "new guy".  I know you are hurting but know that you are much stronger than she is.  She does things out of weakness, not strength.  Good for you staying NC.  You give her your power if you break that code of conduct.  Stay strong my friend, you will prevail in this.

[Mutt]

Please someone tell me not to lash out.

I'd like to show you tools to cope with this NonAverageJoe when you feel triggered.

Mindfulness.

TOOLS: Triggering, Mindfulness, and the Wise Mind

I'd also like to point out at my signature. What does it say?

Let go or be dragged. What does this mean?

"The Zen teaching of non-attachment is very similar to the teaching of Taoism. The Tao Te Ching, an ancient Taoist classic, says, “when the sage walks, he leaves no footprints behind.” What does this mean? It does not mean that when the Taoist sage goes for a walk one would never be able to find the imprints of his feet on the ground. The sage is human like us, and so he has footprints.

"What the statement means is that in his journey through life the sage leaves no traces of desire and attachment clinging to him as he lives from moment to moment. Life is following, always changing, and the sage never looks back to the moment which has sped by, nor does he look forward to the moment which lies ahead. Rather, he lives in the present, flowing along in harmony with the rhythm of life, appreciating each moment for what it is worth and allowing it to pass on quickly to be replaced by the next.” – THICH THIEN AN

I'll take your ex keeping your things as an example. What's the trigger and the source of stress? Your welcome to add more.

I'm just pissed off still about her following me outside and then texting me hours later claiming she didn't have my stuff.

The anxiety, stress and anger lies in a past event. A way to cope is to shift your mind to the present moment and focus on the now. Letting go of the past.

The Mind is a Friend, Lover, Torturer, and Teacher

Our mind is the source of all misery and of all pleasure. People don’t effectively hurt our feelings or anyone to inspire us.

Our mind is the source of all misery and of all pleasure. People don’t effectively hurt our feelings or inspire us. People can offer us their opinions,  it is only that which the mind decides has any relevance that we take on for ourselves.  Only the mind that can complement us, insult us, lift us, or destroy us.

We can influence this.

A snippet from the mindfulness article. The mind can be a friend, lover, torturer, and teacher. We can influence this.

In this case, it's torturing your thoughts?

The reality is she followed you outside, texted hours later and dissociated her feelings and said that she didn't have them. This is a past event. Accepting things for how they are. The attachment is what is triggering your feelings.

Can you change this? Can you get your ex to validate or come clean that she was "dissociating"? This is how she interprets reality. This is very real to her, just as your reality is to you. It's accepting that it's not something you can control.

I'm either going to call the sheriff tomorrow or have my mother try and get my books.

I like this. So you have two choices you've decided and we don't know the outcome of either. Again, you can use mindfulness accepting you've made decisions and focusing in the present moment.

It's flowing with reality, instead of against reality that alleviates stress or "non-attachment." You can't control past events, you can choose to let go of the attachment of this event and be mindful in the present moment.

Mindfulness takes practice. When I get triggered with something I can't control, I use mindfulness to re-center and let go of something that's simply not in my control and be in the present moment. It's alleviated 90% of the stress I experience in daily life. It's not to say it makes life trouble free or "nonstop joy" it simply makes it easier to cope with day to day life. At least that's how I find it.

The goals of mindfulness practice are simply to practice and to experience “Wise Mind”. You’re in Wise Mind when your emotions and your thoughts work together so that wise action is easy, even when your life and/or circumstances are really hard. You’re in Wise Mind when you can meet each moment of life as it is, not as you would have it be, and respond to it skillfully.

Notice that we’re not saying the goal of mindfulness practice is happiness or having a life free from trouble or having an experience of nonstop joy. However, people who practice mindfulness will tell you that they get better at enduring pain, better at solving problems, better at not creating misery for themselves, and better at participating fully in those moments of life that are joyful.

The disorder taught me many lessons. One lesson is mindfulness. Accepting things for what they are. Letting go of things I cannot control. Knowing that I have a choice to make it personal or not personal with how I let my mind influence this. I hope that helps.


--Mutt

[NonAverageJoe]

I went to a movie with my brother and my best friend and his brother. I could hear my ego throughout the entire movie and in a very revolver-esque moment I told him I can hear him and to be quiet.

I could rip her to shreds but I've done enough. I got away clean and I put her bull back in her face plenty of times, it doesn't matter what I say or do she'll exercise more denial and play the victim. She's probably waiting for me to snap. I won't do it.

I need to let that stuff go. If she tries to use it to contact me later I will deal with that when and if it comes.

I am not the loser in this scenario because I opted out when I wasn't treated right. She is the loser. I did the right thing and I did some selfish things too. I am responsible for my feelings based upon my investments. She was a bad emotional investment. I'm free of her while she will never be free of herself until she wakes up.

I can't give her the satisfaction. I've been too strong to break now. The law has been on my side. I exposed her to her grandparents for scamming them out of money and I told her parents about her bs.

I need to remember that I opted out because she didn't treat me good enough.

[Xidion]

I went to a movie with my brother and my best friend and his brother. I could hear my ego throughout the entire movie and in a very revolver-esque moment I told him I can hear him and to be quiet.

I could rip her to shreds but I've done enough. I got away clean and I put her bull back in her face plenty of times, it doesn't matter what I say or do she'll exercise more denial and play the victim. She's probably waiting for me to snap. I won't do it.

I need to let that stuff go. If she tries to use it to contact me later I will deal with that when and if it comes.

I am not the loser in this scenario because I opted out when I wasn't treated right. She is the loser. I did the right thing and I did some selfish things too. I am responsible for my feelings based upon my investments. She was a bad emotional investment. I'm free of her while she will never be free of herself until she wakes up.

I can't give her the satisfaction. I've been too strong to break now. The law has been on my side. I exposed her to her grandparents for scamming them out of money and I told her parents about her bs.

I need to remember that I opted out because she didn't treat me good enough.

Find something to get your aggression out on. I started lifting weights. When I start struggling, I think about how she looked at me when she left me and it pushes me to be able to lift more. It's amazing. I'm also picking up boxing. Whatever it may be... focus all of the aggression on something beneficial to you.

[NonAverageJoe]

I'll be having a lawyer friend of mine send her a letter with a follow up call. I've seen her react terribly to this stuff before, it's indirect doesn't involve my family and cheap.

He's doing it for the cost of lunch.

[NonAverageJoe]

I'm having second thoughts about having my lawyer friend send the letter. Having dropped off all of her stuff with the last of it being last Friday and still not having my books and being 100% NC for over three weeks now with no desire to try and pick a fight which is what I'm sure she was trying to do with her last two texts since I flat out drove away when she walked outside.

I think I could let it go if I convinced myself it's a victory, I'm concerned she may use it to try and contact me.

I'm open and receptive to opinions.

[Xidion]

I'm having second thoughts about having my lawyer friend send the letter. Having dropped off all of her stuff with the last of it being last Friday and still not having my books and being 100% NC for over three weeks now with no desire to try and pick a fight which is what I'm sure she was trying to do with her last two texts since I flat out drove away when she walked outside.

I think I could let it go if I convinced myself it's a victory, I'm concerned she may use it to try and contact me.

I'm open and receptive to opinions.

If you're okay with nit getting the books back, I would suggest not doing anything at all. No matter how it's done, she will connect it to you and try to start drama, since that's what they thrive on. It's your call, but any more drama may set you back in your recovery.

[NonAverageJoe]

I'm really conflicted. Part of me wants to stay quiet to see if she re-engages and the other part of me wants to stay as strong as I've been. This girl only got one row of tears out of me and they dried up faster than you can say, "He's in the car."

I stumbled upon photos on my pc and freaked out. I cried. I couldn't look at them, I couldn't delete them I just closed the folder as quick as I could.