Egg donor is uBPD

[Reluctant Dragon]

Hi! I am so glad to find this forum and I've been lurking for several days. It's soo WONDERFUL to find such nice gentlemen and ladies who can understand a child can be abused without "seeing any bruises". (Quote from egg donor's neighbor when told how MEEEEAAAAAN I am for daring to speak the truth about my childhood).

I suffered physical abuse from egg donor in early childhood when Dad was at work.  After hurting me bad enough to require a doctor visit she toned the physical stuff down. When sis was born it turned into bad spankings (Usually I didn't know what for!) and by the time little bro was born the physical abuse was mostly over. But the emotional/mental/psychological torture continued until I left home at 18. Then egg donor actually ACTED like a normal, albeit aloof, person. In hindsight I think her crazy rollercoaster rages were lavished upon my father, but with him as buffer and us no longer children dependent on her or living with her she was able to wear a normal mask that up until then had been reserved for people outside the family.

So her disowning me at 18 (I have no idea why!) got rugswept and for 27 years my siblings and I "forgot" about how she was during our childhood, if that makes sense. I can't speak for my sis or bro but for me I suppose I repressed the painful memories because I just wanted to pretend I had a normal mother who actually loved me. I think in part too that since I wasn't dealing with bad behavior from my egg donor but was very busy dealing with a crazy MIL (uNPD) it was just easier to "let it go" with my egg donor. Maybe it was a simple as not having the energy to deal with TWO nutjobs?

Anyway to make a long story short; egg donor was the picture of normalcy for a long time. Then Dad died. Egg donor was still able to keep her nice mask intact for two years afterward until her health started failing and she moved in with Sis this summer. Then all the horrible verbal put downs and manipulations and attempts to control and be The Queen Bee came pouring out of egg donor. Then Egg Donor (who I've now decided to affectionately call "Broomhilda" finally pushed my last button and accused my Sis of child abuse for putting her child in a time out. I lost it, told Broomhilda she has a lot of damn nerve to accuse sis of child abuse when she could have wrote the book on it. Botta bing botta boom, now I am the evil meanie and have been disowned again. Oh well.

So, I'm NC with Broomhilda and Golden bro (he's another story, oy.) I am very much in contact with Sis and am doing all I can to support her. Between now dealing with the flood of memories coming back to the surface and wanting to help Sis all I can I have found this refuge. Thank you all for allowing me to come and vent. I hope to learn much more from everyone in the future.

[Reluctant Dragon]

I also want to say I hope it's not off putting to others that I already know the PD and psychology lingo.  As mentioned my DH's mother (and his father) are NPDs, plus I am ashamed to admit I'm a nurse with a decade of experience working psych. Yeah, a psych nurse who didn't recognize her own mother has a severe mental illness. Maybe because it's so close to me? Or maybe because I was in denial? Not sure.

[PrettyPlease]

Thank you all for allowing me to come and vent. I hope to learn much more from everyone in the future.

Welcome, Reluctant Dragon.

Yes, this is a wonderful place for venting, and for learning. 

I'm a nurse with a decade of experience working psych. Yeah, a psych nurse who didn't recognize her own mother has a severe mental illness. Maybe because it's so close to me? Or maybe because I was in denial? Not sure.

Both seem possible... .plus, it might be worth looking at it in reverse: a person who wasn't consciously recognizing her own mother has a severe mental illness... .became a nurse. Maybe there's an unconscious connection there?

But there are so many layers of our onions to peel back.

Congratulations on getting yours sliced open.  

[Harri]

Hi Reluctant dragon and welcome.  I'm glad you found this place.  It truly is a soft place to land and so many here can offer support and comfort.  Venting here is also good, so chat whenever you feel the urge.

Broomhilda, aka Egg donor, sounds like a total head trip.  I often refer to my mother as Fruit Loop in my more affectionate moments.  Mostly though, I just call her mother.  That label has no special meaning to me.   

The fact that you became a psych nurse is interesting.  I think it is common that those of us raised in such chaotic and abusive environments will often, unconsciously, choose careers/hobbies that are related in some way to the abuse.  Whether it is choosing a career that is very structured and requires order and precision after a childhood of disorder or becoming a psych nurse that allows us to help those suffering from mental illness it all makes sense.  I chose a career that allowed me to help others in a very structured and controlled environment that allowed almost immediate relief to the person and satisfied my need to be heard and I made that choice while up to my ears in dysfunction and crazy making.  It's all good and I can't imagine how I would be today if I did not have that outlet. 

I will be looking forward to hearing more about your story and chatting with you here on the boards.  Take good care. 

[Reluctant Dragon]

Pretty Please, you're spot on. I'm sure there's tons of unconscious reasons I became who I am today. I think Freud would have a field day peeling my onion, LOL.

Harri, I like how you put it that some of us raised by BPDs make up for the chaos of our childhoods by choosing careers that demand organization and structure.  What's weird is that at work I can be the personification of organization but at home I'm much more relaxed in a laid back environment. The more I'm remembering growing up in my family the more I'm discovering that just like in childhood there are inconsistencies in some areas of my life.

One of the things that made me a "good psych nurse" to my colleagues was my ability to "take it". I was the one often assigned the worst of the worst patients because I could take hours of being called things that would make a sailor blush and I could block punches and objects being thrown at me without showing fear. Of course we were specifically trained in dealing with acutely psychotic, delusional, and violent people, but it just came more naturally to me than others. Now that I'm no longer in denial about where I got this "gift" I'm having to process a bunch of anger at Broomhilda.