"just get through Christmas"

[maxsterling]

Last night my wife remarked how we "made it thought Christmas" and had a pretty good day.  For the most part, she is right.  No major dysregulations.  But from my perspective, there were plenty of little jabs, criticism, sarcasm, and negativity as reminders.  And tomorrow we are visiting my parents.  When I told her we would be there about 6 hours, she grumbled.

Last night I thought I would have some time to myself.  She said she was going to be bed to read.  Yet she instead got up, complained that she doesn't know what to do with herself is depressed, implying I should entertain her.

I'm doing my best to maintain a normal, happy face until tomorrow is over.  I don't want to deal with negative complaints about my family, so I think boundary enforcement is warranted here.  I've kept the happy face for far too long.  

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[MissyM]

I find the barrage of negativity to be hard to deal with.  The couple's therapists we are working with have talked to my dBPDh about how his negativity is ruining his own life.  It helps to have someone get him to take that off of me.  I have said I can handle maybe 3 negative statements a day but 20 is too many for me to handle.  They absolutely agreed with that and are supposed to help with this.  We will see what happens.  Being a generally optimistic person, this is one of those constant minor issues that becomes major.

[maxsterling]

I find the barrage of negativity to be hard to deal with.  The couple's therapists we are working with have talked to my dBPDh about how his negativity is ruining his own life.  It helps to have someone get him to take that off of me.  I have said I can handle maybe 3 negative statements a day but 20 is too many for me to handle.  They absolutely agreed with that and are supposed to help with this.  We will see what happens.  Being a generally optimistic person, this is one of those constant minor issues that becomes major.

Wow, I'd be happy with only 20 statements a day   For awhile, I used to actually count negative statements.    A "good day" was less than 10.  Three would be a godsend!

Our MC is the same way - will really work with her about putting positive spins on things.  that's been the biggest benefit of MC so far, for me to watch the T work with her. 

[MissyM]

Wow, I'd be happy with only 20 statements a day smiley  For awhile, I used to actually count negative statements.  shocked  A "good day" was less than 10.  Three would be a godsend!

Well, we don't really live with each other still.  So those 20 statements have been in about 2 hours a day.  My dBPDh has actually been pretty good over the last week, he is staying with us for the holiday and has been maintaining his mood and negativity for the most part.  He knows that when he is hungry or tired that he can go off, so he has been staying silent at those times (which is much preferable).

[maxsterling]

Oh geez.  Thought I would have a manageable visit with my family tomorrow, just my parents, my brother, his wife, and their child.  Now it looks like my sister is going to show up with her dysfunctional troop.  Haven't told my wife yet, expect full blown dysregulation over this one.

[maxsterling]

Well, the dysregulation has begun.  I let her know my sister and family will be there tomorrow.  Initially her reaction was mild irritation, and since has become severe irritation with her blaming me for enabling my family's bad behavior.     I did my best to validate, saying that it was rude of my sister to change plans at the last minute, that we can cut short our visit.  Hopefully it will burn out before I get home from work. 

I guess the good thing here on my end is that I expected the dysregulation because I have learned the tendencies of BPD.  She's always irritated when plans are not firm and explicitly defined.  I think it's also good that I told her ASAP.  In the past I would have let my head run out of fear for how she would react.  I consider that detachment - me not worrying so much about how she would react to something I have no control over.

[waverider]

  I did my best to validate, saying that it was rude of my sister to change plans at the last minute, that we can cut short our visit. 

Is that really validating or just agreeing with, and feeding, her perception?

Validate is to acknowledge that she feels its rude, not necessarily to agree with it, that is just placating.

Your sister showing up to her own families functions has really nothing to do with being rude in terms of your wife. In fact it has nothing to do with her. Even if it does obviously make your day look like it will be that much harder

[maxsterling]

  I did my best to validate, saying that it was rude of my sister to change plans at the last minute, that we can cut short our visit. 

Is that really validating or just agreeing with, and feeding, her perception?

Validate is to acknowledge that she feels its rude, not necessarily to agree with it, that is just placating.

Your sister showing up to her own families functions has really nothing to do with being rude in terms of your wife. In fact it has nothing to do with her. Even if it does obviously make your day look like it will be that much harder

Well, I felt it rude and my family felt it rude, yet I see your point.  My wife's best approach is to stay out of it, and I should do my best to not make her a part of it.  And that is what happened.  She let situations that have nothing to do with her or that she has no control over bother her.  In the end, I think it went about as good as expected, with us having a good time.  She had a lot of anxiety and negative comments before hand.  And she had a lot of negative comments on the way home.  But I did my best to not engage in those negative thoughts, and instead focused on making "it is what it is" type of statements and re-directing conversations.