How to tell them THEY'RE the problem?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm wondering if/when my ex calls, which so far never fails after everybreak up, do I give her two hard conditions. 1. Stop blaming me, you have the issues, you have BPD and you need therapy or atleast do couples therapy. And 2. Cut off your new guy. No "staying friends".  How do you demand these two things, setting boundaries for once and deal with her freaking out inevitably. Do you just expect the freak out, stand strong and wait for her to cool down for a few days til she says "fine ill do it" ? And even if she doesn't eventually agree then atleast you set boundaries to stop the abuse ?

[Joshuaua]

I'm wondering if/when my ex calls, which so far never fails after everybreak up, do I give her two hard conditions. 1. Stop blaming me, you have the issues, you have BPD and you need therapy or atleast do couples therapy. And 2. Cut off your new guy. No "staying friends".  How do you demand these two things, setting boundaries for once and deal with her freaking out inevitably. Do you just expect the freak out, stand strong and wait for her to cool down for a few days til she says "fine ill do it" ? And even if she doesn't eventually agree then atleast you set boundaries to stop the abuse ?

[Rise]

How do you demand these two things, setting boundaries for once and deal with her freaking out inevitably. Do you just expect the freak out, stand strong and wait for her to cool down for a few days til she says "fine ill do it" ? And even if she doesn't eventually agree then atleast you set boundaries to stop the abuse ?

Boundaries are meant for us; to protect us, and our core values. Boundaries aren't about getting other people to act how we want them to act, or do what we want them to do. If you don't want to be with her again unless she's properly addressing her issues, then that's it. It's not a demand. You aren't telling her to do something. You are simply stating "This is what I need from a relationship", and it's up to her whether or not she can meet those needs.  If this is about getting her to give into what you want though, you aren't establishing and enforcing boundaries. You are tossing around ultimatums.

[ogopogodude]

[/quote]
Boundaries are meant for us; to protect us, and our core values.

Boundaries aren't about getting other people to act how we want them to act, or do what we want them to do.[/quote]
These two sentences are awesome.  I realize that as members here we aren't supposed to alter a quote so forgive me moderators, ... .but it is THESE TWO blurbs that are soo very important for us to keep in mind at all times.  And to keep repeating this in our minds to ourselves.

[Elpis]

Boundaries are meant for us; to protect us, and our core values. Boundaries aren't about getting other people to act how we want them to act, or do what we want them to do. If you don't want to be with her again unless she's properly addressing her issues, then that's it. It's not a demand. You aren't telling her to do something. You are simply stating "This is what I need from a relationship", and it's up to her whether or not she can meet those needs.  If this is about getting her to give into what you want though, you aren't establishing and enforcing boundaries. You are tossing around ultimatums.

Beautifully said.

The person suffering with BPD will not "get well" as a result of our ultimatums. They have to see that their relationships are not working and accept that they are a part of the problem. Then they will need to get professional help from someone who understands the condition, and it can take years for them to reach a point of being able to have healthy, reciprocal relationships. This is not up to us at all, it's a realization and a choice they have to make for their own benefit.

Your boundary in the situation of "staying friends" is to act on your own belief system. "Live your boundaries" is what my therapist has always said. We needn't explain things, if our partner loses the relationship because they keep stomping all over our boundaries, well, that's just the fact of the matter. The more we allow them to continue enjoying the relationship while they continue to trample our boundaries just sends them the message that they can keep on doing the behavior we can't accept in a relationship.

[clydegriffith]

Boundaries are meant for us; to protect us, and our core values. Boundaries aren't about getting other people to act how we want them to act, or do what we want them to do. If you don't want to be with her again unless she's properly addressing her issues, then that's it. It's not a demand. You aren't telling her to do something. You are simply stating "This is what I need from a relationship", and it's up to her whether or not she can meet those needs.  If this is about getting her to give into what you want though, you aren't establishing and enforcing boundaries. You are tossing around ultimatums.

Beautifully said.

The person suffering with BPD will not "get well" as a result of our ultimatums. They have to see that their relationships are not working and accept that they are a part of the problem. Then they will need to get professional help from someone who understands the condition, and it can take years for them to reach a point of being able to have healthy, reciprocal relationships. This is not up to us at all, it's a realization and a choice they have to make for their own benefit.

Your boundary in the situation of "staying friends" is to act on your own belief system. "Live your boundaries" is what my therapist has always said. We needn't explain things, if our partner loses the relationship because they keep stomping all over our boundaries, well, that's just the fact of the matter. The more we allow them to continue enjoying the relationship while they continue to trample our boundaries just sends them the message that they can keep on doing the behavior we can't accept in a relationship.

This is very true. Nobody actually wants to live this way, it's just the nature of their being. The BPDx has child after child with different guys; in my opinion i think she has all these kids to try and stabalize herself, pretty much thinking child = stability, but she can never control herself to the extent that her relationships last more than a year or two.

[Elpis]

Indeed, Clydegriffith, their actions are driven by their deeply held yet faulty belief system and their "need" for self-protection. A painful way to live.

[myself]

With personally beneficial boundaries, you'll be better off whether she's in your life or not. Relaxed, honest, and natural is best. I spent far too much time and effort trying to help there be a middle ground for us. In part because I was expecting things to change for the better instead of accepting that they probably wouldn't. That it already was what it was going to be. A healthier relationship is based more on reciprocity than resistance, isn't it? I knew it all along but got lost in FOG. The better I became at clearing it away, which included having better boundaries, the less negativity in my life. Which also means she eventually took her ball and went wherever she went. Which is fine, I'd rather be living life than playing a game.

[Elpis]

A healthier relationship is based more on reciprocity than resistance, isn't it? I knew it all along but got lost in FOG.

Songbook, you're singing my song!

[Infern0]

Good luck bro,  whatever you say just will not go in. If she's waif type expect tears and pity party,  if she's another type expect rage.

[antelope]

I'm wondering if/when my ex calls, which so far never fails after everybreak up, do I give her two hard conditions.

the problem, at this point, is you

the best message you can send to someone like this is to do NOTHING AT ALL... .

stop answering her calls, stop giving her third, fourth, twenty-seventh, etc chances, and stop deluding yourself into believing your words will have ANY effect on this type of person... .

your actions will speak the loudest... .this snake has bitten you hundreds of times, and you want to blame her for you continually putting your hand in the cage?

do nothing... .indifference is the borderline's kryptonite

[Hope0807]

         

Antelope,

You need to post more regularly on here!

I'm wondering if/when my ex calls, which so far never fails after everybreak up, do I give her two hard conditions.

the problem, at this point, is you

the best message you can send to someone like this is to do NOTHING AT ALL... .

stop answering her calls, stop giving her third, fourth, twenty-seventh, etc chances, and stop deluding yourself into believing your words will have ANY effect on this type of person... .

your actions will speak the loudest... .this snake has bitten you hundreds of times, and you want to blame her for you continually putting your hand in the cage?

do nothing... .indifference is the borderline's kryptonite

[ogopogodude]

Yes, ... very good things posted here by members.

I keep a pen and paper right by my computer so I can jot down little gems, qoutes & sayings, etc that I see on these forums.  I will certainly add the snake/cage/bitten thing down as well as the indifference/kryptonite  thing down as well.

(The best message to send someone can be sending nothing at all ---> is really good, too).