Here we go again...

[Cole]

Last night my BPDw walked into the laundry room, grabbed me, and said, "Hold me tight. I hate myself so much for messing up your life and the kids." I took her to the bedroom so we could talk without the kids having to hear it all. She proceeded to cry uncontrollably -to the point of hyperventilating- for an hour.  

Many of the things she said:

"I know we are going to get a divorce."

"I cannot stand the thought of you with someone else."

"I want you to find someone nice who will not mess up your life like I have."

"I am thinking of inpatient care. Maybe I will call Dr. X (her psychiatrist)."  

"I want to be the woman I used to be." (She was a wonderful wife and mother, but something changed after the birth of our last child.)

After she calmed down, she spent the rest of the night holding my hand, touching me, and being affectionate. This has not happened in a long time. We used to touch often, hold hands all the time, and had an incredible sex life. But she moved out of the bedroom 2 years ago, became very distant, and our sex life is currently non-existent.

I asked her what triggered all this, but she would not say. I am guessing she did something stupid and the guilt is hitting her. It seems that every time she is nice to me or apologetic it has been because she wants something. This time it seemed genuine, but I am still having a hard time trusting her.  

At the very least I am going to push HARD to get her to follow through on getting some help. She has been resistant for a long time.

Anyone been in this situation or one like it? How did you handle it?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[sweetheart]

Hello Cole,

The lack of trust, the want to push for some help for her are all normal responses to what is happening. Are you able for these moments to just validate the underlying emotions that sound quite overwhelming for her and accept her reaching out to you?

When the illness took full hold of my h about two years ago he too became much more distant, struggling with displays of intimacy, I often sleep separately from him now.

He has moments of insight, or as you say moments where he acts on a needs led basis and perhaps wants something from you or has done something.  How the person feels though in that moment as we know is very real, it might not last longer than that moment but I use those times to be closer to my h. If I didn't and acted continually out of distrust we would have no relationship. I am not criticising your difficulty in trusting the realness of what happened, but I think if we choose to stay we have to find a way of reframing what we expect from our SO and let go of past misdemeanours and hurts. I know I have had to.

[Cole]

sweetheart,

You framed it quite well. It is a trust issue. She has broken my trust so many times that I am afraid to let my guard down and believe she really loves me and wants to change. I am almost positive she is having another emotional affair with a guy she went to school with and I think that is the trigger for last night. Does she really want to stop this behavior or does she just want to relieve some of the guilt so she can continue? I am tired of being played for a fool. May see me on the "leaving" board soon.   

[sweetheart]

Aaww cole I didn't realise that might be the background to what your wife was saying, I am sorry that this might be the case. I am not surprised that you have little trust in her actions then, especially if you believe something else is going on.

I have many many issues with my h, but I would not be able to get past any kind of infidelity, emotional or otherwise, for me it is and always has been my line in the sand. I am not wired emotionally to manage that kind of heartache.

It is important then that you do not let your guard down as a way of ensuring that you protect yourself emotionally against from being hurt.

For you to move forward with this you have to know for sure that this is not continuing to happen. If fidelity on all levels is your emotional boundary then that it was you must ensure you have, nothing less.