He wants me not to hold grudges

[breathelater]

I have been in a boundary battle with my upbdh and his dpbdbrother.

Last week was pure misery. My uBPDh sank into silence and a noticeable depression with mixes of passive aggressive treatment directed to me 

It was pretty clear to me that it was because his brother did not spend the holidays with us. Once I opened the can if worms, he told me that he was depressed that his brother was not welcomed into our house because it is obvious that I hated him.  Nothing I said to convince him otherwise was heard. The truth is that his brother has been abusive to me, spends holidays with a woman he occasionally sees, traveling two hours to see her, and we live 10 mins away from her and don't get a visit. His brother was diagnosed BPD and is also in therapy for sex addiction.  To sum, I feel badly for my husband and I refuse to be their punching bag.

I explained to my husband that I will not engage with my brother n law in any of his dating scenarios and that I think that his behavior towards me has hurt me/us terribly, and because of the past infractions, I will be cordial and protect myself from him. 

Now, my husband is accusing me of holding grudges, saying that I hold grudges against everyone and is angry at me over my newly set boundary.

It really just seems to me, that my husband wants his brother at all costs, including having me as a punching bag.

How can I better communicate my boundary ?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

How can I better communicate my boundary ?

You dont need to, you already have. Just be clear and consistent in your actions.

Boundaries are not about seeking approval for setting them.

Being accused of having grudges is common. Simply means you are not being compliant with their current wishes.

Efficient boundaries in effect can prevent us holding deep grudges. Grudges are often the consequences of feeling powerless to stop our otherwise weak boundaries being transgressed.

[startrekuser]

I have been in a boundary battle with my upbdh and his dpbdbrother.

Last week was pure misery. My uBPDh sank into silence and a noticeable depression with mixes of passive aggressive treatment directed to me 

It was pretty clear to me that it was because his brother did not spend the holidays with us. Once I opened the can if worms, he told me that he was depressed that his brother was not welcomed into our house because it is obvious that I hated him.  Nothing I said to convince him otherwise was heard. The truth is that his brother has been abusive to me, spends holidays with a woman he occasionally sees, traveling two hours to see her, and we live 10 mins away from her and don't get a visit. His brother was diagnosed BPD and is also in therapy for sex addiction.  To sum, I feel badly for my husband and I refuse to be their punching bag.

I explained to my husband that I will not engage with my brother n law in any of his dating scenarios and that I think that his behavior towards me has hurt me/us terribly, and because of the past infractions, I will be cordial and protect myself from him. 

Now, my husband is accusing me of holding grudges, saying that I hold grudges against everyone and is angry at me over my newly set boundary.

It really just seems to me, that my husband wants his brother at all costs, including having me as a punching bag.

How can I better communicate my boundary ?

How did his brother abuse you?  What did his brother do to you?

[breathelater]

Waverider. You are spot on. I've been famous for forgive and forget but get silently resentful when I get the same treatment as before. What I am attempting to do is set some distance and clear boundary so that I am not in a position of resentment towards myself and the other person.  The trick, I hear you, is not to weaken the boundary

Startreker-  I've known his brother for 9 years. Since he separated from his wife 6 years ago, he has; grabbed my behind and cornered me into a wall, made a sexual remark about my 15 year old daughter. Brought a girl to my home for a party at my home after I asked him not to. Set my husband up twice on double dates when we lived together ( husband declined). Made jokes about our family pic asking who was going to get custody if it after we broke up. Etc etc etc

[startrekuser]

Startreker-  I've known his brother for 9 years. Since he separated from his wife 6 years ago, he has; grabbed my behind and cornered me into a wall, made a sexual remark about my 15 year old daughter. Brought a girl to my home for a party at my home after I asked him not to. Set my husband up twice on double dates when we lived together ( husband declined). Made jokes about our family pic asking who was going to get custody if it after we broke up. Etc etc etc

Wow, that's pretty brutal.  No wonder you don't want him around!

[breathelater]

Thank you for the validation... .we too need validation  ... .I have a double WHAMMY... .his brother was diagnosed BPD 4 years back.  Strangely, I didn't know it until I began speaking to my husband about BPD and when he brought it up to his brother about my "accusations", his brother informed him that he had been diagnosed.  Now, when my husband told him that he is in therapy to be be properly diagnosed, his brother now denies that he was diagnosed himself.   

[startrekuser]

Thank you for the validation... .we too need validation  ... .I have a double WHAMMY... .his brother was diagnosed BPD 4 years back.  Strangely, I didn't know it until I began speaking to my husband about BPD and when he brought it up to his brother about my "accusations", his brother informed him that he had been diagnosed.  Now, when my husband told him that he is in therapy to be be properly diagnosed, his brother now denies that he was diagnosed himself.   

You're welcome.  One of the reasons I asked is that for a long time, I thought I was the cause of all my marriage problems b/c my wife tells me so - ALL THE TIME!  Our problems are related to my family, including my parents, my brother and my sister in law.  There HAVE been times where my family didn't treat my wife so great, but they don't come close in severity to the way your brother in law has treated you. I still have some slight doubts as to whether my wife's gripes are normal or BPD related, but when I listen to other peoples family complaints, such as yours, it puts everything in perspective.  What my family has done and what I have done to my wife is next to nothing compared to what your brother in law has done to you.  It's been a struggle for me to see that I'm NOT the cause of the problems.  My wife can be VERY convincing.  It's as if she was trained to do that.  Also, thanks for the hug, even though it wasn't real.  It's better than the non-existent hugs from my wife.

[breathelater]

 

I completely relate to your experience of doubting your reality. Every family has their own set of issues and most modern families have some form of dysfunction.   PwBPD master the art of projection, making you feel and doubt your perception of relationship and behavior.  I used to say to my husband  "what color is the sky?" He'd respond "blue" to which I added "No it's not, it's green!"  Then, I'd try to explain how different our perceptions of reality were. Of course, that never got me anywhere but absurd circular arguments.

Startreker- the sky is blue and if she claims it is green, it doesn't make it green. Xo

[startrekuser]

 

I completely relate to your experience of doubting your reality. Every family has their own set of issues and most modern families have some form of dysfunction.   PwBPD master the art of projection, making you feel and doubt your perception of relationship and behavior.  I used to say to my husband  "what color is the sky?" He'd respond "blue" to which I added "No it's not, it's green!"  Then, I'd try to explain how different our perceptions of reality were. Of course, that never got me anywhere but absurd circular arguments.

Startreker- the sky is blue and if she claims it is green, it doesn't make it green. Xo

Thanks again!  One thing I learned is to not start an argument with a BPD and try to gracefully end any argument they start with me.