Been a Long Long Time

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello all !

I used to post on the staying board but my dBPDh's violence got the better of our relationship. I can't sleep tonight. It is so strange! I found myself thinking how horrible life is for a pwBPD.

They want ... .But they really don't know what it is they want. They feel so strongly that even happiness hurts. They need ... .so very much that we mere mortals can not supply enough care and love and attention to even put a dent in it and yet, they fantasize we can and anger when we can't.

I feel so sad for these poor people. What must life look like to them? We Non's were really the lucky ones. Even though we got put thru more than any one person probably should, we could get out and with help and time, start over. They never really can. BPD is always there.

Yes, I am sad tonight ... .maybe it is just because it is late. Maybe because my heart is breaking because of the suffering I have seen. Maybe because I realize that I am ok and he never will be.

[DazedButNotConfused]

Hello all !

I used to post on the staying board but my dBPDh's violence got the better of our relationship. I can't sleep tonight. It is so strange! I found myself thinking how horrible life is for a pwBPD.

They want ... .But they really don't know what it is they want. They feel so strongly that even happiness hurts. They need ... .so very much that we mere mortals can not supply enough care and love and attention to even put a dent in it and yet, they fantasize we can and anger when we can't.

I feel so sad for these poor people. What must life look like to them? We Non's were really the lucky ones. Even though we got put thru more than any one person probably should, we could get out and with help and time, start over. They never really can. BPD is always there.

Yes, I am sad tonight ... .maybe it is just because it is late. Maybe because my heart is breaking because of the suffering I have seen. Maybe because I realize that I am ok and he never will be.

[Infern0]

It's sad for sure.  As venomous as I can be I certainly still have compassion for my pwBPD.  If there was even some slim chance that we could have a real relationship or even friendship,  that all my care and effort would even make a dent,  I'd still have her in my life.

I have mutual aquaintances so I know for a fact that she's not doing too good right now and it hurts to hear.  I don't want her to suffer,  I wish she could find happiness.  I wish she didn't have to suffer.

It is sad,  it's really a no win scenario. Keep them in your life and suffer or cut them out (which none of us really wants but we have to)

Accepting we can't help them is hard.  But we have to accept it.

[Blimblam]

A perfect circle - a stranger

www.youtu.be/xvwt4tBSEQY

[DazedButNotConfused]

A perfect circle - a stranger

www.youtu.be/xvwt4tBSEQY

I just listened to this song. Haunting... .sad... .so very on target.

Inferno - probably the hardest thing I have ever had to accept was the fact that there was nothing I could do to help him and that I would be destroyed by continuing the effort.

Yeah, BPD really suxs.

[downwhim]

The song is haunting and accurate. Those of us left behind have such strong feelings and the silence is deafening.

This morning I woke up and the word on my mind was Stranger. Then this song... interesting.

I feel he is a stranger to me. I know longer know him. I suppose that is why N/C works because eventually you end up being so detached that there is nothing but memories left and they truly after all these years become someone you really never knew at all. A stranger.

[patientandclear]

I feel somewhat at peace that I gave what I could; I respected him; I listened to what he said he wanted; I gave it all I could give without destroying myself. I'm guessing the essential truth of that may survive somewhere in his awareness, under the defenses and anger and resentment.

I listened to my ex talk about his longtime ex-gf many times. He seemed to hate her sometimes. He would barely use her name. But you could tell it was bothering him--he couldn't completely demonize her. She'd left him forever, would have no contact, and had told him he played a huge and damaging role in destroying their r/ship. It's as if he experimented with the ultra scary idea that she might have been right, and then had to keep putting that idea in a drawer and engage with other women in hopes it would turn out to have been all her fault after all.

I do think there is a tiny bit of unsullied awareness in there, and, I hope, some awareness that I really care.

[Lucky Jim]

we mere mortals can not supply enough care and love and attention to even put a dent in it and yet, they fantasize we can and anger when we can't.

Hey Dazed, Agree, it's a black hole.  We Nons didn't cause BPD in our SOs and can't cure it, which is a realization that took me years to accept.  It's sad, no doubt, but in my view it's unhealthy to attempt to take responsibility for the happiness of another adult.

LuckyJim

[DazedButNotConfused]

 it's unhealthy to attempt to take responsibility for the happiness of another adult.

Yes it is. But in a healthy Non relationship, each contribuites to the joy of the other. There is the ability to give and take within limits that are understood and comfortable for both parties. And there is a certain responsibility - perhaps not for the others happiness  -  but for maintaining a climate where each partner has the freedom to be and do and express themselves. Isn't that where happiness resides? In the freedom to be and do and express?

My pwBPD wasn't able to live in or provide that kind of climate  -  and it saddens me that he will never be able to know or accept that it can be that way. His defenses were just too strong and ingrained.

I can't really even begin to imagine what it is like to be a pwBPD. Hell is not a strong enough word.

DBNC

[Trog]

A perfect circle - a stranger

www.youtu.be/xvwt4tBSEQY

I just listened to this song. Haunting... .sad... .so very on target.

Inferno - probably the hardest thing I have ever had to accept was the fact that there was nothing I could do to help him and that I would be destroyed by continuing the effort.

Yeah, BPD really suxs.

Really? Letting her go to God was the easiest thing I ever did in this relationship. I finally and truly gave up on her a couple of weeks ago and I feel so much better realising I just can not help her.

[Blimblam]

A perfect circle - a stranger

www.youtu.be/xvwt4tBSEQY

I just listened to this song. Haunting... .sad... .so very on target.

Inferno - probably the hardest thing I have ever had to accept was the fact that there was nothing I could do to help him and that I would be destroyed by continuing the effort.

Yeah, BPD really suxs.

Really? Letting her go to God was the easiest thing I ever did in this relationship. I finally and truly gave up on her a couple of weeks ago and I feel so much better realising I just can not help her.

Was it giving up on her?

Or was it giving up on the results of the outcome of your actions you believed should be helping her arrive at the hypothetical place you had in mind for her?

[jhkbuzz]

Yes it is. But in a healthy Non relationship, each contribuites to the joy of the other. There is the ability to give and take within limits that are understood and comfortable for both parties. And there is a certain responsibility - perhaps not for the others happiness  -  but for maintaining a climate where each partner has the freedom to be and do and express themselves. Isn't that where happiness resides? In the freedom to be and do and express?

My pwBPD wasn't able to live in or provide that kind of climate  -  and it saddens me that he will never be able to know or accept that it can be that way. His defenses were just too strong and ingrained.

I can't really even begin to imagine what it is like to be a pwBPD. Hell is not a strong enough word.

DBNC

Very eloquently stated... .

[Trog]

A perfect circle - a stranger

www.youtu.be/xvwt4tBSEQY

I just listened to this song. Haunting... .sad... .so very on target.

Inferno - probably the hardest thing I have ever had to accept was the fact that there was nothing I could do to help him and that I would be destroyed by continuing the effort.

Yeah, BPD really suxs.

Really? Letting her go to God was the easiest thing I ever did in this relationship. I finally and truly gave up on her a couple of weeks ago and I feel so much better realising I just can not help her.

Was it giving up on her?

Or was it giving up on the results of the outcome of your actions you believed should be helping her arrive at the hypothetical place you had in mind for her?

Hmmm, it was giving up on ever expecting any kind of positive outcome from interacting with her and just not caring whether she gets well or not. I had a lot of hope for a long time. Now I don't hope she might get well or come back, I finally don't care about her in this anymore. I do care though about me and making sure I stay out of the way of her hurt and influence and most importantly understanding why I got into this mess and not getting into it again.

Giving up hope on any outcome, either way, is utterly liberating

[Lucky Jim]

maintaining a climate where each partner has the freedom to be and do and express themselves. Isn't that where happiness resides? In the freedom to be and do and express?

Totally agree, Dazed.  You put that well.  LJ