Big Blowout with Family over the Holidays

[Theo41]

Well, looking back it was inevitable. It started out fine ( which is unusual since most everytime we travel there is wild prolonged dysregulation caused by stress at the beginning of the trip). On Christmas eve she go so loaded at our sons house that she was wobbly and sluring her words when I helped her to bed. But still was in a good mood ( very unusual since 2+ drinks normaly  brings forth an ugly personality.

However, she was just saving it up for the trip south to visit the rest of the clan. There were six of us in the van and she sat next to our grandson who played video games for "EIGHT HOURS STRAIGHT" . When we arrived at our rental home, NOTHING suited her: not the room we got, not the plan for our stay. She seemed to get a little tight and began muttering under her breath to  about everything including the grandson . Everyone heard and was offended ... .especially his parents who offered to fly her back home! Seriously. They talked to me because there affraid of her and I got to carry the message. She was mortified and said she wanted to leave immediately but did not. She waffle for 36 hours and then talked to the parents to explain herself and ask forgiveness. I was supportive of everyone especially her but somewhat pleased that her nasty side had gotten her in trouble. The grown children all said the same thing "it happens everytime we get together. She has to create inappropriate drama. Then someone deals with her by setting a boundry. Then the boundry setter is made to feel like he or she did something wrong. "

There was some talk about no more family gatherings which made both of us feel awful. Today things have settled down. Once we get home I plan to have another talk with her about the need to: stop drinking, go to counseling and resume her anti anxiety/depression meds (which she stopped several years ago, "because they make her gain weight"

A friend of mine reported good results by telling his wife that if she continued drinking and acting out she would have to find a new husband.

I have never had much luck leaving as she is frightened by the prospect of abandonment, melts down, begs me to return, even threatens suicide... .and I fold like a house of cards.

Any thoughts on how to handle would be greatly appreciated. Thanks , Theo

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[formflier]

and I fold like a house of cards.

Any thoughts on how to handle would be greatly appreciated. Thanks , Theo

Whatever you decide... you need to find a way to get a bit stronger.

Read up on boundaries and intermittent reinforcement. 

Please come back and share your thoughts on how that might apply to this situation.

It sounds to me like the situation was handled reasonably well... .but I also think a few things could be looked at for possible other tactics "next time".

[Leaving]

Sorry you had that horrible experience.  My mother would always create horrible drama at our family gatherings as well.  Learning about boundaries, setting them and consistently enforcing them is absolutely necessary to preserving your own well-being. 

This is just my opinion but I think that we often fail to understand what boundaries are exactly.  The most important boundary that I had to learn was that it's not my responsibility to fix anyone, to heal anyone or to assist anyone who constantly repeats destructive behaviors.  This was very hard for me to do because my husband's destructive behaviors directly impacted me, our business and our finances so, he knew he could screw things up like a two year old and that 'mom' would inevitably fix everything as best she could.  I don't do that anymore.  Mom doesn't live here anymore. When he screws with something we must both suffer but I'm not taking any responsibility for him or his behavior anymore. 

It sounds like you deeply care about her and that you are worried that she will harm herself if you don't control the situation by staying and tolerating her behavior. While it's perfectly understandable that a person would care about others -especially a spouse- we're not talking about someone stranded on the side of the road with a flat tire. She has an 'illness' that requires professional help and it's not your responsibility to fix her and make her life work for her.  It's not your responsibility to control whether she goes to counseling either.  She needs to believe that her life isn't working for her before she will take action with a true desire to heal.

Have you ever wondered what is that you get from controlling and managing her dysfunctional life?  After all, you stay and I'm assuming that you've been doing this a long time.   I'm not judging you.  I've been in your shoes.  When I look back on my own codependency, there were a few different reasons why I became codependent but it all boiled down to me learning to believe that I had to be in control of creating peace and happiness in my relationships ( parental, sibling, spouse/boyfriend,work) The reward for doing so was that I felt worthy and alive and loved.  living with well adjsted people left me feeling unsure of my self worth because I had no purpose and nothing to measure my worth by.  If it wasn't for managing everyone's problems, I really had no life at all.  What a horrible way to live! 

Instead of worrying about your wife getting counseling, why not take the time to get your own counseling?  It would be the best gift to give yourself in the new year!

[sweetheart]

Hello theo41,

I wholeheartedly echo Leaving's reply to you about getting support for yourself. From experience, suggesting your SO gets support, medication whatever it is, otherwise you will do XYZ just doesn't work. It didnt work in my world with my h and I've tried it and it just created a whole world of pain. Which led to me engaging in what formflier posted about intermittent reinforcement which makes the problem behaviour escalate and more intractable. Unless you really are going to leave and I mean really leave then don't say it, otherwise you just sucker punching yourself.

Make the New Year about you, the lessons really work and your life can improve immeasurably if you put them into practice.   

[Grey Kitty]

Well, looking back it was inevitable... .most everytime we travel there is wild prolonged dysregulation... .Any thoughts on how to handle would be greatly appreciated. Thanks , Theo

One boundary to consider is not inviting her on family trips, since she makes a problem out of it.

[Theo41]

Thanks everyone for the feedback. As soon as I got on the plane to come home I was hit with a flulike cold and have been out of commission. UBPDw has been very sweet and contrite making up for the damage she did over the holidays.

Not sure what the right time is for a hard conversation. Typically I carry this stuff around (desperately avoiding more dysregulation ) and then end up exploding a dumping everything on her in anger. Theo

[formflier]

Thanks everyone for the feedback. As soon as I got on the plane to come home I was hit with a flulike cold and have been out of commission. UBPDw has been very sweet and contrite making up for the damage she did over the holidays.

Not sure what the right time is for a hard conversation. Typically I carry this stuff around (desperately avoiding more dysregulation ) and then end up exploding a dumping everything on her in anger. Theo

The right time is now.  Today at lunch.  Try to remove distractions... .and unless she seems to be in an odd mental state... go for it.

Start with some validation... .and then get into it.  Use I statements... .make sure you are not blaming.

You want to understand her... .you hope she understands you.

[waverider]

Thanks everyone for the feedback. As soon as I got on the plane to come home I was hit with a flulike cold and have been out of commission. UBPDw has been very sweet and contrite making up for the damage she did over the holidays.

Not sure what the right time is for a hard conversation. Typically I carry this stuff around (desperately avoiding more dysregulation ) and then end up exploding a dumping everything on her in anger. Theo

If you had that hard conversation prior to this do you think when the triggers, whatever they were, arose and she started to dysregulate then she would have remembered the "talk" and stopped? Or would it have all been a waste and it would have gone out of the window.

Then what?

Conversations on their own rarely have much effect

[formflier]

 

And... as I just reread the opening topic... .post... it was not one thing... .but a general pattern of not getting along.

Maybe pick "one thing" out of all that and try to focus on it... .get that better in your r/s.  Go from there.

One of the tactics that I see pwBPD do is that they get so many bad behaviors on the table... .that they keep diverting attention from one to the other... .

If "she always" does this... .my guess is she is quite nimble at diverting... explaining... .

[waverider]

One of the tactics that I see pwBPD do is that they get so many bad behaviors on the table... .that they keep diverting attention from one to the other... .

...

This enables the flanking maneuvers that get around our boundaries as they change objectives. It really is important to not allow issues to broaden or wander

[formflier]

This enables the flanking maneuvers that get around our boundaries as they change objectives. It really is important to not allow issues to broaden or wander

And is one of the reasons why when issues have come up in my own r/s... .such as the naked picture thing... .I saw an opportunity to slam the door on a "bad" aspect of our r/s... .throw away the key... and be done with it.

Not a peep about me and another woman since then.

I'm sure the "pressure" has diverted to other areas... .but if I can get the number of "areas" down to a couple... .well... not sure what I'll do then... .but it should be more manageable.

I suspect that my wife understands it is so ridiculous that she never wants it brought up again... .that she is able to keep that area under control.

[Theo41]

Thanks Formflier and Waverider. Yes, she absolutely has several issues and behaviors that are a real problem. It can be overwhelming for me but more so for our grown children who have experienced so much over a long period of time that they have become sensitized and overreact themselves. They end up retreating into their own lives.

She is masterful at manipulating conversations and sliding free. I like the idea of focusing in on the one most difficult thing that happened on this trip and sticking with that rather than opening the "whole can" as I usually do when I loose it.  And yes, when I loose it I also loose impact. So I need to start with validation and communicate in a firm and kind/adult way. Appreciate all your input. Theo

[formflier]

Thanks Formflier and Waverider. Yes, she absolutely has several issues and behaviors that are a real problem. It can be overwhelming for me but more so for our grown children who have experienced so much over a long period of time that they have become sensitized and overreact themselves. They end up retreating into their own lives.

She is masterful at manipulating conversations and sliding free. I like the idea of focusing in on the one most difficult thing that happened on this trip and sticking with that rather than opening the "whole can" as I usually do when I loose it.  And yes, when I loose it I also loose impact. So I need to start with validation and communicate in a firm and kind/adult way. Appreciate all your input. Theo

I think you have identified the issue... .them being "slippery"... your wife in particular.

So... with that... .I would take that the skill to work on is being able to appropriately redirect her to stay on topic... .

That will take much more active participation than enforcing a boundary and walking away.

But... .I think much like once they realize "it's not working anymore... ." they will change tactics.  Hopefully... .she will be better about answering and staying on target.