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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: What is the worst thing I said or did to my BPD exSO  (Read 5703 times)
Aussie JJ
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« on: December 31, 2014, 02:05:46 PM »

So,

I'm trying something different.  What did I do that was the most heartless and horrible thing in my relationship.  Reading alot of posts at the moment and sort of trying to see where I fit in to everything, I can see a lot that she did to me however trying to understand my role. 

Going to have to think about this as well, I can think of a few things I am not proud of. 

1. I wasn't the best active listener.  Can't explain it other than I now know my listening skills haven't always been the best. 

2. I told her she was neglecting our son.  (It is true, I still shouldn't have said it to her)

I'm going to have to add to this.  Think about it a bit. 


AJJ. 
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« Reply #1 on: December 31, 2014, 02:21:31 PM »

So,

I'm trying something different.  What did I do that was the most heartless and horrible thing in my relationship.  Reading alot of posts at the moment and sort of trying to see where I fit in to everything, I can see a lot that she did to me however trying to understand my role. 

Going to have to think about this as well, I can think of a few things I am not proud of. 

1. I wasn't the best active listener.  Can't explain it other than I now know my listening skills haven't always been the best. 

I'm going to have to add to this.  Think about it a bit. 

2. I told her she was neglecting our son.  (It is true, I still shouldn't have said it to her)



AJJ. 

Why do you feel you shouldn't have pointed out that she was neglecting your son?  The idea of being a parent is that you prioritise the child's needs before your own wants.  As co-parent I think you are within your rights to say something if she isn't meeting your child's needs effectively.
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Aussie JJ
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« Reply #2 on: December 31, 2014, 11:13:31 PM »

What she does in her time is her issue. 

Was I within my rights, hell yes. 

Was it the correct thing to do... .

Point is, it isn't a blame game here, that just keeps the cycle of conflict going.  She is who she is and I cant change her, I want to get someone to say she is neglecting our sons emotional needs I get a profesional to do it not me. 


AJJ> 
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #3 on: December 31, 2014, 11:19:55 PM »

The consistent thing I did, after the bliss ended and the wheels fell off, was to use 'protest behavior' which is something people with anxious attachment styles like me do when things aren't OK and we're not expressing ourselves clearly and openly.  It wouldn't have changed the outcome in that relationship, but it's been a real focus since, to show up with the traits of a more secure attachment style.  Something to think about... .
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« Reply #4 on: December 31, 2014, 11:45:17 PM »

I called her a racist name. I kept getting accused of being racist. All because I mocked a madea movie. And I screamed at her towards the end.
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« Reply #5 on: December 31, 2014, 11:47:15 PM »

The consistent thing I did, after the bliss ended and the wheels fell off, was to use 'protest behavior' which is something people with anxious attachment styles like me do when things aren't OK and we're not expressing ourselves clearly and openly.  It wouldn't have changed the outcome in that relationship, but it's been a real focus since, to show up with the traits of a more secure attachment style.  Something to think about... .

HtH, please explain protest behavior. Guess I'm heartless bad guy because I didn't spend enough time with her. Or buy her things. Or take her on vacay's. Guess what I'm trying to say is it really didn't matter. Once your split and devalue starts, you could rescue a building full of puppies from a fire and your the worst guy ever.
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« Reply #6 on: January 01, 2015, 12:11:44 AM »

HtH, please explain protest behavior. Guess I'm heartless bad guy because I didn't spend enough time with her. Or buy her things. Or take her on vacay's. Guess what I'm trying to say is it really didn't matter. Once your split and devalue starts, you could rescue a building full of puppies from a fire and your the worst guy ever.

Protest behavior is what someone may do to avoid a real issue, ultimately a weak response to a feeling.  Say you are feeling neglected or ignored in a relationship.  If you tried to make your partner jealous, had a crying or rage fit, or gave them the silent treatment, that would be protest behavior.  A secure way to handle it would be to say to your partner "I'm feeling neglected right now and it's bothering me, and I need your support" or something to that effect.  What a concept, open, honest communication.  Go figure.  Of course that wouldn't work with a borderline, which is why it's time for an upgrade.
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« Reply #7 on: January 01, 2015, 12:18:24 AM »

HtH, please explain protest behavior. Guess I'm heartless bad guy because I didn't spend enough time with her. Or buy her things. Or take her on vacay's. Guess what I'm trying to say is it really didn't matter. Once your split and devalue starts, you could rescue a building full of puppies from a fire and your the worst guy ever.

Protest behavior is what someone may do to avoid a real issue, ultimately a weak response to a feeling.  Say you are feeling neglected or ignored in a relationship.  If you tried to make your partner jealous, had a crying or rage fit, or gave them the silent treatment, that would be protest behavior.  A secure way to handle it would be to say to your partner "I'm feeling neglected right now and it's bothering me, and I need your support" or something to that effect.  What a concept, open, honest communication.  Go figure.  Of course that wouldn't work with a borderline, which is why it's time for an upgrade.

I tried being open, honest and gentle. That makes it worse I think. I still got blamed for being judgemental. And believe me I was careful because thought we were soul mates.
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« Reply #8 on: January 01, 2015, 12:30:33 AM »

I tried being open, honest and gentle. That makes it worse I think. I still got blamed for being judgemental. And believe me I was careful because thought we were soul mates.

You were on the right track, you just picked the wrong partner.  It's important to keep what we knew was right as we add new knowledge and boundaries, so we end up with someone who can sustainably reciprocate.
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« Reply #9 on: January 01, 2015, 12:41:09 AM »

I tried being open, honest and gentle. That makes it worse I think. I still got blamed for being judgemental. And believe me I was careful because thought we were soul mates.

You were on the right track, you just picked the wrong partner.  It's important to keep what we knew was right as we add new knowledge and boundaries, so we end up with someone who can sustainably reciprocate.

I honestly think she is evil. I don't say that lightly.
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« Reply #10 on: January 01, 2015, 12:52:37 AM »

Protest behavior is what someone may do to avoid a real issue, ultimately a weak response to a feeling.  Say you are feeling neglected or ignored in a relationship.  If you tried to make your partner jealous, had a crying or rage fit, or gave them the silent treatment, that would be protest behavior.  A secure way to handle it would be to say to your partner "I'm feeling neglected right now and it's bothering me, and I need your support" or something to that effect.  What a concept, open, honest communication.  Go figure.  Of course that wouldn't work with a borderline, which is why it's time for an upgrade.

Oh wow, that explanation is very eye opening for me. I can see how I have had a lot of protest behavior over the years.

I don't know if it is because I have been with my husband so long or what but I do know that my behavior in the last couple of years has been less than stellar. As I read a lot of the threads about how the person with BPD behaves, I can see a lot of those behaviors in myself. But, I do know that I tried to be open and honest about my feelings back in the beginning and at other times. The protest behavior began as an attempt to try to get his attention. Being direct and open and honest didn't work so I resorted to passive/aggressive behaviors. There are times when I have been down right mean to him.
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« Reply #11 on: January 01, 2015, 01:34:25 AM »

I wasn't listening.

I blamed her for the problems in our marriage. It's easier to blame someone else than to own up.

I didn't know about BPD and we had many fighting matches where I wanted my voice to be heard. I wasn't proud of my anger.

We have two ears and one mouth, so we should listen more than we say.

A lesson I won't forget.
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« Reply #12 on: January 01, 2015, 01:34:47 AM »

Protest behavior is what someone may do to avoid a real issue, ultimately a weak response to a feeling.  Say you are feeling neglected or ignored in a relationship.  If you tried to make your partner jealous, had a crying or rage fit, or gave them the silent treatment, that would be protest behavior.  A secure way to handle it would be to say to your partner "I'm feeling neglected right now and it's bothering me, and I need your support" or something to that effect.  What a concept, open, honest communication.  Go figure.  Of course that wouldn't work with a borderline, which is why it's time for an upgrade.

Oh wow, that explanation is very eye opening for me. I can see how I have had a lot of protest behavior over the years.

I don't know if it is because I have been with my husband so long or what but I do know that my behavior in the last couple of years has been less than stellar. As I read a lot of the threads about how the person with BPD behaves, I can see a lot of those behaviors in myself. But, I do know that I tried to be open and honest about my feelings back in the beginning and at other times. The protest behavior began as an attempt to try to get his attention. Being direct and open and honest didn't work so I resorted to passive/aggressive behaviors. There are times when I have been down right mean to him.

Yep, protest behavior comes out of our attachment styles, something we had before we met our exes, they just triggered them.  The good news is getting in a relationship with someone with a more secure style can make us more secure, so we can stay in the open communication mode.  Interesting and fruitful to see our part in the proceedings, and what we need to do to upgrade.
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Aussie JJ
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« Reply #13 on: January 01, 2015, 01:55:37 AM »

I think for myself. 

Those things during the relationship, the whole escalation of behaviours.  It occured and I was a part of it.  Somethign I want to change in the future.  I have a prefrence to de-escalating and tryign to solve someone elses problem rather than looking at my own end of the problems.  Co-dependance and all of that jazz~

End of the day.  I own that.  I wasn't a very good active listener.  That is something that defined my role in the relationship. 


AJJ. 
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« Reply #14 on: January 01, 2015, 02:25:37 AM »

From her point of view it will be 'chucking her out of the house' which is true, except that before that the police had taken her away, she has been sectioned and refuses to take any medication for schizophrenia. We were married so she thinks 'in sickness and in health', personally I don't agree, if someone has a sickness and abuses you yet refuses to take prescribed medication that is languishing in sickness and being a burden to your partner.

From my point of view, the worst thing I ever did to her was being an enabler, she wasted 7 years of her life too.
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« Reply #15 on: January 01, 2015, 02:48:14 AM »

The worst thing I said or did was that I agreed with her or took her side just to avoid getting in conflict with her. I should have been more honest and less tolerant.

On the other hand, that should have reduced our 20 year relationship to a two week one.

Edit:

I did have a hard time tolerating her hypochondria and over sensitive to this and that. In the second half of our relationship I couldn't help but say what I thought - that it wasn't nearly as bad as it was in her mind. I suppose it was very invalidating. But she was kind of immune to the "T" part of SET, so I saw no other way really.

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« Reply #16 on: January 01, 2015, 11:05:38 AM »

I tried being open, honest and gentle. That makes it worse I think. I still got blamed for being judgemental. And believe me I was careful because thought we were soul mates.

You were on the right track, you just picked the wrong partner.  It's important to keep what we knew was right as we add new knowledge and boundaries, so we end up with someone who can sustainably reciprocate.

I honestly think she is evil. I don't say that lightly.

I couldn't. She would just run me over to the point where were I would just take it. Part of my problem. She dumped almost 5 months ago. Then this, the Funniest thing happened. Her instagram went suddenly public. Its been private forever. She liked something a mutual friend posted so I clicked it like a dumbass and low and behold, theres a pic of her and the new guy. Sucked the life out of me. I then got misty, and calm. They looked happy so I commented "glad your happy,... .good bye my love". 20 minutes later I get a text from her:  Please delete your comment on my picture.  I'm not sure why you did that.  It's very passive aggressive.  If you have something to say to me then say it.  Don't leave a message on my Instagram picture.

I replied to her text with:

I was genuine in my comment. Nothing bad was meant by it, so please drop the ego. I am happy that your happy and I have no animosity towards you and I'm happy your in a good place. Talk to you later.

So this is what you get folks. Anger and name calling when you only wish the best for a person you truly loved. She can go to hell.
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« Reply #17 on: January 01, 2015, 11:43:31 AM »

At our first meet after I broke up with her we got in a verbal fight. We actually just wanted to try out as friends, got drunk at then got in an argument. When she was being very rude and cold I just left her standing there and walked away without saying goodbye or anything. Half an hour later I texted her that I didn't need "people like her" in my life. Right after I'd written it I felt so sorry for walking away and writing something like that so I apologized big time. Now with all the knowledge of their fear of abandonment and their shame and guilt I really feel bad. I guess I really hurt her with my behaviour. After that incident we recycled as friends with benefits but from that moment on the real abuse started. When we are in the relationship I "only" witnessed the silent treatment, after our argument it all went downhill and she got really nasty with her abuse. So I guess I was right when telling her that I didn't need people like her in my life. I just should've told her in a friendlier way and should've stick to it.
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« Reply #18 on: January 01, 2015, 01:27:44 PM »

The worst thing I ever did to my uBPDh was probably having no boundaries around his treatment of me. That allowed him to continue those behaviors for yeeeeears and think they were okay.

I enabled

I was codependent

I was enmeshed

I did get really snotty with him in the last few years when he acted like physical contact with me was worse than eating bugs, I was so hurt and angry at the rejection. But that did help me realize that I had allowed his what-I-thought-was-attraction to me form my own self-image. My self-image needs to stand on its own, not be created by how someone else looks at me.

But I know that all the things where I was weak in the relationship kept him comfortable so he didn't try to fix anything of his own.
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« Reply #19 on: January 01, 2015, 01:50:59 PM »

I loved her, was a real friend, and told her the truth.

None of those were wrong or the worst. Each triggered her.

In the end it didn't really matter what I did or didn't do.

She makes it up as she goes. Sees and lives in disordered ways.

Changes her mind/ her mind changes her. Projects to her detriment.

The game's not over, she's just playing somewhere else.
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« Reply #20 on: January 01, 2015, 06:59:07 PM »

I wouldn't let myself cry with her and in front of her.  Enstead I pushed her away and judged her to avoid feeling the pain when the truth is I love her.
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« Reply #21 on: January 01, 2015, 07:05:11 PM »

I did get really snotty with him in the last few years when he acted like physical contact with me was worse than eating bugs, I was so hurt and angry at the rejection. But that did help me realize that I had allowed his what-I-thought-was-attraction to me form my own self-image. My self-image needs to stand on its own, not be created by how someone else looks at me.

But I know that all the things where I was weak in the relationship kept him comfortable so he didn't try to fix anything of his own.

This brings up something else that I have started doing recently. I think it is because I feel emotionally done. But, I cannot stand physical contact with him right now. He rejected me for so many years and has done so many things that I have reached a point where the thought of his touch makes me cringe.

I definitely need to be reminded that my self-image needs to stand on its own!
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« Reply #22 on: January 02, 2015, 12:29:36 AM »

During our first breakup when we were just dating,  I warned the new woman about him anonymously.  I am not sure if I broke them up or if his usual behavior did, but he came back to me after about 3 weeks. I was reeled back in and was convinced I had misjudged him the first time around. Turns out I was right about him, but I have always been ashamed I contacted that woman. I never told him I did it either.
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« Reply #23 on: January 02, 2015, 10:03:10 AM »

For me,

A lot of hard thought.  I acted immaturely as well.  I didn't listen properly as I mentioned above however I didn't show enough respect to myself like DF mentions I allowed myself to be walked all over.  The worst thing I think I did was I allowed myself to be a doormat. 

Like BB, I closed up shop around her, didn't open up about my feelings and I think I can see it a bit here with everyone.  Worst thing, lost respect for myself and along the way her.  Without respect the rest is really quite mundane. 

One that trust and honesty is lost the rest was just a side show.  When I stopped opening up and being honest with my own feelings and emotions that was when I stopped listening to her as well.  Something I will have to remember for the future. 

Thoughts


AJJ. 
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« Reply #24 on: January 02, 2015, 11:57:19 AM »

Absolutely became a doormat. She would start her your a bad boyfriend speech and I would either A. Agree totally B. Water down my response C. Apologize profusely D. Head down say nothing.

Damn shame I was emasculated like that out of fear of being alone.
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« Reply #25 on: January 02, 2015, 12:44:20 PM »

Absolutely became a doormat. She would start her your a bad boyfriend speech and I would either A. Agree totally B. Water down my response C. Apologize profusely D. Head down say nothing.

Damn shame I was emasculated like that out of fear of being alone.

I don't know if it's off topic, but I was like that too, especially in the first half of our relatioship.

In fact I have been like that for much of my life - someone would bark and I would back down, regardless if I was right or wrong. Now I realize it has been used against me so much.

I know both my ex wife and her dad could reason like that - that it wasn't about who was right and who was wrong. It was about how far you could push someone. You take your position and then you fight.

If a person like that confronts a person like me (who is full is doubt and constantly re-considers andre re-evaluates), I don't stand a chance.

I need to have conversations with people who are engaged in dialogue. Borderlines use words and argumentation to attack and move their positions forward. This realisation was awful for me and it was awfully depressing to understand that it was not going o change.

Engaging and communicating in dialogue is normal and sound and I don't regret prefering that. What I regret is not walking away or disengaging when someone has tried to engage me in a "friendship" that involves verbal attacks.
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Aussie JJ
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« Reply #26 on: January 02, 2015, 01:40:32 PM »

In fact I have been like that for much of my life - someone would bark and I would back down, regardless if I was right or wrong. Now I realize it has been used against me so much.

I know both my ex wife and her dad could reason like that - that it wasn't about who was right and who was wrong. It was about how far you could push someone. You take your position and then you fight.

If a person like that confronts a person like me (who is full is doubt and constantly re-considers andre re-evaluates), I don't stand a chance.

I need to have conversations with people who are engaged in dialogue. Borderlines use words and argumentation to attack and move their positions forward. This realisation was awful for me and it was awfully depressing to understand that it was not going o change.

Engaging and communicating in dialogue is normal and sound and I don't regret prefering that. What I regret is not walking away or disengaging when someone has tried to engage me in a "friendship" that involves verbal attacks.

This is  pattern I have had as well at times, though my life.   

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=206736.0

Something I found helpful, there is detaching from the cycle of conflict however knowing how to express yourself in a non-blaming and non-judgemental way is a great skill.  For all of us, well for me!  I lost this skill whilst in the relationship. 

Worth a read IMO hergestridge. 

You dont have to argue just live your values, if you communicate it properly, get it across.  If the other party chooses not to listen that is on them not on you.   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)


AJJ. 

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« Reply #27 on: January 04, 2015, 10:15:36 AM »

Water down my response

AAARRRGGGHHH! I RESEMBLE THAT REMARK!

I know both my ex wife and her dad could reason like that - that it wasn't about who was right and who was wrong. It was about how far you could push someone. You take your position and then you fight.

If a person like that confronts a person like me (who is full is doubt and constantly re-considers andre re-evaluates), I don't stand a chance.

AAAARRRGGHH! and I relate to this SOO MUCH.

I think this whole doormat thing is why I didn't think I was doing the wrong things--I didn't understand boundaries, and being full of doubt I would let my h convince me I was the one who was screwed up.

These things allow our pwBPD to continue and be comfortable. No Bueno.
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« Reply #28 on: January 04, 2015, 11:07:09 AM »

Water down my response

AAARRRGGGHHH! I RESEMBLE THAT REMARK!

I know both my ex wife and her dad could reason like that - that it wasn't about who was right and who was wrong. It was about how far you could push someone. You take your position and then you fight.

If a person like that confronts a person like me (who is full is doubt and constantly re-considers andre re-evaluates), I don't stand a chance.

AAAARRRGGHH! and I relate to this SOO MUCH.

I think this whole doormat thing is why I didn't think I was doing the wrong things--I didn't understand boundaries, and being full of doubt I would let my h convince me I was the one who was screwed up.

These things allow our pwBPD to continue and be comfortable. No Bueno.

Indeed. I got the your a bad boyfriend speech so much, i thought i was. Im not perfect by any means, but i loved her and those kids as best as i could. Wasnt good enough. I wasnt good enough.
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Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
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« Reply #29 on: January 04, 2015, 11:39:49 AM »

Excerpt
Damn shame I was emasculated like that out of fear of being alone.

Was it really fear of being alone Deeno?  For me it was fear that she might be right, that nagging inner doubt, which sparked a desire to prove her, and myself, wrong.  Not a bad drive really, except I was playing a game that was rigged and didn't know it at the time, until it got so painful I saw no choice but to take my ball and go home.

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Indeed. I got the your a bad boyfriend speech so much, i thought i was. Im not perfect by any means, but i loved her and those kids as best as i could. Wasnt good enough. I wasnt good enough.

As long as you also realize that it is impossible to be "good enough" with a borderline; if you were you wouldn't be serving your purpose.
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