Dont get around much anymore.

[ShadowIntheNight]

I know everyone says that the BPD will most likely resurface at some point, and I have received quite a few PRIVATE NUMBER hangups throughout the Fall. The last one was 3 weeks ago, though and since then nothing. I can imagine lots of things, mostly some new guy replacing me. I am a woman btw. After 9.5 years together she decided she couldn't be a lesbian (this after a 10 year marriage to a guy that ended in divorce). Somehow this is all tied up in issues with her mother I am 98% sure. I guess I figured by 4.5 months being BU she might try at least to say something, but I'm now not holding out for any hope in that.

I read about all the arguments and problems everyone had here, but ours were nothing like most of the things I have come across. It seems odd for her to have vilified me. Maybe she is just full of guilt and shame and can't handle facing it if she talks to me. The last time we had any real conversation I was helping her finish up a nasty 2.5 year custody battle with her exH. Next thing I know she's telling me she's been dating men all summer and telling me what a good "friend" I have been. I assure you none of my real female friends have gotten the treatment she has!

Anyway, it's NYE. I have spoken to her every NYE for the last decade. But not tonight I'm sure. Probably some guy telling her how wonderful she is, etc. and I miss her two kids too. I've known them both since they were 2 & 4. We had great adventures. Now there's just a gaping wound. And my mind just wanders back to last NYE when the year was full of promise and has ended like this.

If she came back around, I'd take her back. None of this dilly dallying stuff. I haven't called her because I want to know that she knows what she had. At this point it appears she didnt care. Nothing about that feels good... .

[hope2727]

Sorry you are enduring all this. You seem so sincere like so many of us.

I feel similarly that I wish he knew what he lost and regretted it. That I wish he would make amends and come home. Then I reread the lesson on things that get us stuck in our recovery. The point(s) about them coming to their senses and out of sight out of mind always kicks me in the emotional teeth.

We are normal flawed human beings who make mistakes and try to repair them. They are disordered and don't see the world the way we do. We deserve a healthy happy normal relationship. Even with all its ups and downs we deserve that. We won't ever get it with them. Its sad but true.

So I too am missing my ex on NYE. But I have some great wine picked out. I am going to spend it with some friends. I look forward to 2015 and all it has to offer. I hope he is ok but I am not willing to endure more of this abuse. I hope you find some peace. I wish you a happy NYE whatever form it ends up taking.

[ShadowIntheNight]

Thanks. I'm probably going to bed early, at least before midnight. It'll be another Wednesday evening for me. I don't drink, so I won't worry about a toast. However being southern, I will eat blackeyed peas tomorrow for luck. Must have forgotten them last January 1st! Enjoy your evening.

[hope2727]

Well I am exhausted so I opted to not go out for the midnight fireworks. I just hauled in a ton of wine and cheese and sausage and crackers... .yum. I have a few friends stopping by through the evening and then my tenants dog and I shall ring in the new year with fur and snuggles. Its all good in the end.

I will toast you at midnight and pray for all of us to find some peace tonight.

[peace28]

I' m sure you have heard this before, but emotional cut-off is second nature to pwBPD.  They have an ability to "block out" our existence in their past experiences with us.  It is never truly forgotten however.  that is why you see recyclling happen in many of the other posts.  These attempts seem to transpire when their buried past with us has resurfaced.  You are possibly looking for closure that will never happen, because they will never have closure with us.  It is your right to be happy and loved the way you deserve.  This person will never provide that for you, because they will never provide that for themselves.