My kids are as much under his spell as I was and I just hope that one day they will see behind the mask. At the moment he is taking the role of their darling daddy and love- bombing them with constant text messaging and gifts. I am staying with my daughter over new year and was shocked to see five closely hand written cards from him on display. I put them out of sight and told her I couldn't stand to see his handwriting. She has to accept that. It is my boundary now.
Of course our kids want things to be amicable and friendly. It makes life nicer and easier for them. But they are grown ups now and it 's time they respected your feelings. I expect like me you spent their younger years shielding them from the awfulness of his behaviour towards you. 35 years is a very very long time. You are absolutely entitled to set your own boundary now and avoid events he is at in order to preserve your own feelings and heal in yiur own time.
OHMYGOSH this whole thing!
38 years for me of doing the dance, of being the one who made sure birthdays were special and kids and grandkids attended to, and now my uBPDh is spinning his web of newfound wonderfulness in their eyes because he is going to counseling and suddenly paying attention to them and asking me to go to marriage counseling and I am way past done!
You said things I've felt but not known how to express! Thank you for that, what you said was very validating to me.
