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[JRT]

I'm pretty much out of the emotional woods with this relationship with a few lingering punch list with this being one of them:

My exBPD fiance' disappeared 3 months ago. As part of her process, she unfriended me and then blocked me on FB (she did the same with phone, text, LinkedIn and email) after an out of nowhere breakup via text. I have not spoken to her since nor has she attempted contact as she had in other recycling episodes. I'm pretty sure that its over for good.

I had always kept my profile on FB public though I wonder if this might cause me problems in some way with her. I have not commented on our relationship or posted anything even remotely related to her thus avoiding that pratfall. While she blocked me (meaning that when I login she doesn't even appear under a search. She can likewise, not see me). I am, however, pretty sure that she logs out and stalks my page under an alternate account (I am fairly certain that she is doing the same on a dating site I am on as well as on LinkenIn).

Is it a foregone conclusion that after a 2 year relationship that it would be normal for someone to stalk in this way? Would remaining public continue to stoke her fire? I have a suspicion that she feels a sense of attachment or belonging from doing so (even though my friends have remarked that it appears that I have not missed a beat from the nature of my posts).

On the other hand, I suspect that true to a BPD, she may not think about me or miss me any more than an old cell phone or car that once replaced (though important), there is very little thought about the one that was discarded. That being the case, is it that absolute where there is simply NO feeling? Do the triggers that make me remember the good times; the restaurant we used to go to, the special song, that place we went for vacation, etc. Do those not serve as the same kind of triggers as they do for a non?

[enlighten me]

Personally I dont know why anyone would have their fb public. I have always had it friends only.

If you suspect she is fb stalking you and havent done anything about it then aee you enjoying the fact she is still taking an interest?

If your serious about putting her behind you then change your privacy. She will probably unblock you and if she does block her. You will probably have some backlash but what can she do to you if you dont let it affect you.

[JRT]

Personally I dont know why anyone would have their fb public. I have always had it friends only.

If you suspect she is fb stalking you and havent done anything about it then aee you enjoying the fact she is still taking an interest?

If your serious about putting her behind you then change your privacy. She will probably unblock you and if she does block her. You will probably have some backlash but what can she do to you if you dont let it affect you.

So you are suggesting that going private would have the effect of her actually unblocking me?

[enlighten me]

It might do. Theres no way of knowing for sure but if she is stalking you and you close her access then she may try other avenues.

[JRT]

I never cease to be amazed by BPD's! She dumps me after the idyllic relationship of her dreams becomes available to her, dumps me when the goal is achieved, then goes on her hate campaign and stalks me on FB after blocking me and my friends and family (and successfully compels her family and friends to do the same). That's amore'!

[myself]

If your serious about putting her behind you then change your privacy.

'Friends-Only' would keep her from seeing anything, as would blocking. I did both at the end when she was posting hurtful things about me and my family. The relationship was over/we weren't even going to be friends. I didn't want to see her posts anymore, and didn't want her seeing mine.

A question: I've seen other people mention being stalked on FB, but how can you tell when someone is doing that? If they're not commenting on your posts, how is it possible to know they've looked?

[hurting300]

My ex and made love on April 1st 2014. Had dinner, talked about our future we also had a baby. Next day I get up for work, she sits in the bathroom and talks to me while I take a shower, she makes my lunch to take to work and she text me all day at work. When I got home she was gone with the baby. She changed her number and deactivated her Facebook. She never even broke up with me. Then she starts driving by my house, which is miles out of the way. I've not seen my baby or her in nine months. These people are capable of anything. Well she activated her Facebook finally, and I blocked her. She still had all the sweet posts up about me. It's weird and unexplainable. Stay away from her.

[enlighten me]

Only if comments are made about posts.I dont mean on fb but by othets or the ex.

[JRT]

If your serious about putting her behind you then change your privacy.

'Friends-Only' would keep her from seeing anything, as would blocking. I did both at the end when she was posting hurtful things about me and my family. The relationship was over/we weren't even going to be friends. I didn't want to see her posts anymore, and didn't want her seeing mine.

A question: I've seen other people mention being stalked on FB, but how can you tell when someone is doing that? If they're not commenting on your posts, how is it possible to know they've looked?

There IS a way to see who is visiting your FB page but its messy and time consuming. If your posts are all 'public' as mine are, she would just need to log off of the identity that she blocked me on (I'll show him!), and log on using a fake FB identity. She can see everything... .

[JRT]

My ex and made love on April 1st 2014. Had dinner, talked about our future we also had a baby. Next day I get up for work, she sits in the bathroom and talks to me while I take a shower, she makes my lunch to take to work and she text me all day at work. When I got home she was gone with the baby. She changed her number and deactivated her Facebook. She never even broke up with me. Then she starts driving by my house, which is miles out of the way. I've not seen my baby or her in nine months. These people are capable of anything. Well she activated her Facebook finally, and I blocked her. She still had all the sweet posts up about me. It's weird and unexplainable. Stay away from her.

Sorry to hear brother, I can't imagine your pain especially with that baby - stay strong.

Mine also kept photos of mine up for a long time that a mutual friend was able to notice... .then she was blocked as well. What's up with that?

[myself]

Are you going to switch to some form of 'not-public', then, for your own peace of mind? It's a choice between doing that and accepting it has to be that way, or not doing that and accepting she may be looking.

Either way, you should do what's best for you.

[lipstick]

I'm pretty much out of the emotional woods with this relationship with a few lingering punch list with this being one of them:

My exBPD fiance' disappeared 3 months ago. As part of her process, she unfriended me and then blocked me on FB (she did the same with phone, text, LinkedIn and email) after an out of nowhere breakup via text. I have not spoken to her since nor has she attempted contact as she had in other recycling episodes. I'm pretty sure that its over for good.

I had always kept my profile on FB public though I wonder if this might cause me problems in some way with her. I have not commented on our relationship or posted anything even remotely related to her thus avoiding that pratfall. While she blocked me (meaning that when I login she doesn't even appear under a search. She can likewise, not see me). I am, however, pretty sure that she logs out and stalks my page under an alternate account (I am fairly certain that she is doing the same on a dating site I am on as well as on LinkenIn).

Is it a foregone conclusion that after a 2 year relationship that it would be normal for someone to stalk in this way? Would remaining public continue to stoke her fire? I have a suspicion that she feels a sense of attachment or belonging from doing so (even though my friends have remarked that it appears that I have not missed a beat from the nature of my posts).

On the other hand, I suspect that true to a BPD, she may not think about me or miss me any more than an old cell phone or car that once replaced (though important), there is very little thought about the one that was discarded. That being the case, is it that absolute where there is simply NO feeling? Do the triggers that make me remember the good times; the restaurant we used to go to, the special song, that place we went for vacation, etc. Do those not serve as the same kind of triggers as they do for a non?

Hi JRT,

Yes, they will continue to stalk your page thru alternate means. My ex has been doing it for over two years now. I was blocked by him last December when I did not accept his Friend Request. Mind you - the request came after over a year of Silent Treatment by him. After dumping me two days before my birthday!

How do I know he does it? I'm guilty of stalking his page as well from time to time. I go thru my mother's account. I've seen strong reactions to things that have been posted on my own page. I don't bait him. He seems to have a problem when there is some reference to my significant other. Such as gift-giving, going places, etc...

Also - to give you an idea of how immature they are - let me tell you about this behavior. My ex has taken up photography as a hobby. He is a member of a FB group that posts pics of a specific event. Several friends of mine also belong to this group. They know who the ex is but don't interact with him in any way. These friends and I all live in the same town. The ex was born here as well but now lives about two hours away in a beach community. So the friends have noticed that ex will "Like" any and every photo posted to this group page EXCEPT for any of our hometown. Just ignores them. Why? Either from shame (thinking everyone here knows what he did to me) or anger (can't "Like" something from "Lipstick the Devil"s town!).  Either way it's childish. It's been over two years since he discarded me. Why care what I or anyone from our hometown think / know at this point? He has a terrible reputation in his own community as he and his spouse are known for "acting out" in public places. She is violent and has had them banned from restaurants, pubs, etc... They're quite the lovely couple!

So to try and answer your question - I believe they keep tabs as a way to feel a "connection" to you. And since you don't know for certain that she's checking up on you - it gives away none of her power or control. Mine also uses an alternate account that he can activate and deactivate at will. He stalks late at night. 2:00 - 3:00 a.m... So I would never be aware of his presence. I know mine feels great shame over what he did to me. We've known each other since I was fifteen years old. I just turned fifty. My ex has to keep his feelings hidden, though. Can't let anyone see what's really going on. He continues to try and portray to the FB world that his life is absolutely perfect and he is the happiest dude on the planet!  Late at night, though... .regrets surface. Thus the FB stalking.

Take care of you!    

[JRT]

I must admit, there is a part of me that wants her to know that I AM in a good place and that she has no power over me through my FB posts and my activities (I have a very healthy social group, friends, activities, hobbies, etc.). Part of me wants to make her squirm to know that my life goes one despite what she has done. But, now, understanding how a BPD operates, I am thinking that to see my posts gives her some sense of power and connection. That being said, I wonder if disconnecting will slam the door shut on her even if she uses an alternate persona to stalk me.

I also have some property that needs to be returned to me that I am going to have an attorney arrange to solicit from her. I am sure that this will upset her as well.

[AnnaK]

I go all-public in fb with my photos etc. because due to love-hate cycle, we frequently friend-unfriend-block with my uBPDbf, and I am quite generous. If he wants the pleasure of stalking me - it's all his

I stalk him too though, so no issues.

But he is so far my "current" bf, although right now we are on hate curve of the cycle.

[lipstick]

I must admit, there is a part of me that wants her to know that I AM in a good place and that she has no power over me through my FB posts and my activities (I have a very healthy social group, friends, activities, hobbies, etc.). Part of me wants to make her squirm to know that my life goes one despite what she has done. But, now, understanding how a BPD operates, I am thinking that to see my posts gives her some sense of power and connection. That being said, I wonder if disconnecting will slam the door shut on her even if she uses an alternate persona to stalk me.

I also have some property that needs to be returned to me that I am going to have an attorney arrange to solicit from her. I am sure that this will upset her as well.

JRT,

In my unprofessional opinion - what you are feeling is normal! Wanting her to see that you're in a good place is perhaps the only "payback" that we nons will ever get!  My ex gets to see all the progress that I've made both personally and professionally since he dumped me two years ago.

Seeing your posts wouldn't give her a sense of power, I wouldn't think. Just more like keeping the connection. The power comes from you not KNOWING that she's lurking. And good luck getting your property back. I gave up on getting mine. I think they like to keep our things. Gives them something tangible of ours since we're not there physically. My ex has several items of mine. And he has gifts that I've given him as well. I thought for sure he would toss the gifts out since they came from "the Devil" (me). But no - he uses them as props in some of his photos and gushes about how they are his "favorite things". Weird, huh?

I think they "squirm" quite a lot, actually. Usually when no one is around. Because we're not allowed to SEE their pain, regrets, shame, whatever. I'm told these folks are great actors! Mine certainly is.

[shatra]

JRT wrote

There IS a way to see who is visiting your FB page but its messy and time consuming.

----Facebook has confirmed it's not possible to see who views your page, and that software claiming to do this is bogus.

-----Re: getting your things back, some people give things back, yet continue or recycle the relationship later. Just because she gives it back to you doesn't mean she won't return later... .if this is what's holding her back from returning the item. Have you tried asking her directly to return it?

[JRT]

I go all-public in fb with my photos etc. because due to love-hate cycle, we frequently friend-unfriend-block with my uBPDbf, and I am quite generous. If he wants the pleasure of stalking me - it's all his

I stalk him too though, so no issues.

But he is so far my "current" bf, although right now we are on hate curve of the cycle.

I wonder if you can tell me more abut these cycles. Are they planned or extemporaneous? How long are the cycles? Who breaks the cycle? Etc

[JRT]

I must admit, there is a part of me that wants her to know that I AM in a good place and that she has no power over me through my FB posts and my activities (I have a very healthy social group, friends, activities, hobbies, etc.). Part of me wants to make her squirm to know that my life goes one despite what she has done. But, now, understanding how a BPD operates, I am thinking that to see my posts gives her some sense of power and connection. That being said, I wonder if disconnecting will slam the door shut on her even if she uses an alternate persona to stalk me.

I also have some property that needs to be returned to me that I am going to have an attorney arrange to solicit from her. I am sure that this will upset her as well.

JRT,

In my unprofessional opinion - what you are feeling is normal! Wanting her to see that you're in a good place is perhaps the only "payback" that we nons will ever get!  My ex gets to see all the progress that I've made both personally and professionally since he dumped me two years ago.

Seeing your posts wouldn't give her a sense of power, I wouldn't think. Just more like keeping the connection. The power comes from you not KNOWING that she's lurking. And good luck getting your property back. I gave up on getting mine. I think they like to keep our things. Gives them something tangible of ours since we're not there physically. My ex has several items of mine. And he has gifts that I've given him as well. I thought for sure he would toss the gifts out since they came from "the Devil" (me). But no - he uses them as props in some of his photos and gushes about how they are his "favorite things". Weird, huh?

I think they "squirm" quite a lot, actually. Usually when no one is around. Because we're not allowed to SEE their pain, regrets, shame, whatever. I'm told these folks are great actors! Mine certainly is.

That's just wild... .I cannot believe that yours uses your stuff as props. The logical me would anticipate that if there was such a strong connection that remained, that he would simply reach out and hash out any differences. But of course we are talking about BPD's.

[JRT]

JRT wrote

There IS a way to see who is visiting your FB page but its messy and time consuming.

----Facebook has confirmed it's not possible to see who views your page, and that software claiming to do this is bogus.

-----Re: getting your things back, some people give things back, yet continue or recycle the relationship later. Just because she gives it back to you doesn't mean she won't return later... .if this is what's holding her back from returning the item. Have you tried asking her directly to return it?

-I have seen the software and you are correct, it IS a scam. However, the process that I am familiar with is part of the Chrome browser and DOES work, I assure you.

-My exBPD 'disappeared' ... .she blocked me from every conceivable manner of contact after suddenly breaking up (via text no less) while I was out of town on business just 3 weeks after she moved in to my house. I called her from a hotel line on two trips as the hotel phones were not blocked. They were met with a letter from a lawyer threatening a PPO and a call from her local police respectively. So, no, I have not attempted to ask her for my stuff back as I have no manner to do so. I am less concerned about her cycling as I am just getting my stuff back. Though, it would be nice to give her a piece of my mind as a parting gift.

[Rise]

I hope you don't mind me asking but if you don't care if the rest of the world can see what's going on with your FB page, why does it really matter if she can as well? What exactly are the concerns you have?

[JRT]

I hope you don't mind me asking but if you don't care if the rest of the world can see what's going on with your FB page, why does it really matter if she can as well? What exactly are the concerns you have?

I don't mind at all. My concern is if I remain 'public' that her seeing my post might feed her BPD sense of control, power and sense of connection. I was thinking that making my FB posts 'private' at the expense of why I want them to be 'public' would deny her this luxury.

[enlighten me]

If youve disconnected and are NC then feeding her fantasy will have no effect on you. Does it matter if they get something out of it if it doesnt affect you or is it really about hurting them?

We have to be honest why we do these things. If its for your own protection then its sensible if its because you want revenge then do you want to be that person?

[AnnaK]

I go all-public in fb with my photos etc. because due to love-hate cycle, we frequently friend-unfriend-block with my uBPDbf, and I am quite generous. If he wants the pleasure of stalking me - it's all his

I stalk him too though, so no issues.

But he is so far my "current" bf, although right now we are on hate curve of the cycle.

I wonder if you can tell me more abut these cycles. Are they planned or extemporaneous? How long are the cycles? Who breaks the cycle? Etc

Yeah, well, it seems his love sometimes becomes hate (main thing is that not indifference).

It's not planned, but triggered. Mostly by real or imagined abandonment (started going to boxing so got less emotionally dependent on him, then one moment I refused to talk to him because I had onions getting burned on the gas stove, I left to my country because my visa expired etc.).

He used to cut contact in the "hate" state of the loop (because he is aware that it's weird to love one day and hate next day without any serious reason), but since we talked that it's okay to hate me from time to time, he hates me openly... .that is, tells me he hates me without fear that I will freak out and leave him.

I told him that the opposite of love is not hate but indifference... .so he does not have to worry.

I see it in this light: " I love you so much, but you obviously care more for your onions than for me - so I hate you for that!"

It seems to end by itself after some cooling down period... .mostly. After the triggering episode goes out of "mental scope"

I suspect it's approximately equivalent to normal people holding a grudge. Except that normal adult people take it in prospective, they rarely tell something like : " you did not want to talk to me at 5:12pm because of your onions, so now I will never talk to you again!"

What else... .he obviously does not want to talk to me while he is hating me (it's all very real for him, he sees me like his enemy), but then he just suddenly realises that I am not all that bad as he was thinking, so he starts talking to me again.

Now he pretty much learned that hate is not that very eternal, so we try to maintain the most necessary communication anyway.

[AnnaK]

I made some topic about this kind of hatred on "staying" board, in most cases of this triggered hate, when asked to give a SPECIFIC reason why he hates me (such as to describe the event when the hate started) - he is giving generic answers. Like "you did enough!" or "you are too stubborn!" etc.

Or else, he is giving some reasons misplaced in time. Like right after that event he was quite fine with me or maybe we reconciled - but then for some OTHER trigger he painted me black, and in search for a rationally valid reason, he pulls out the past stuff.

[downwhim]

I say hide all posts. I am so glad I am not on FB. To me it is a waste of time and causes this type of anxiety! Whew!

[Deeno02]

I made some topic about this kind of hatred on "staying" board, in most cases of this triggered hate, when asked to give a SPECIFIC reason why he hates me (such as to describe the event when the hate started) - he is giving generic answers. Like "you did enough!" or "you are too stubborn!" etc.

Or else, he is giving some reasons misplaced in time. Like right after that event he was quite fine with me or maybe we reconciled - but then for some OTHER trigger he painted me black, and in search for a rationally valid reason, he pulls out the past stuff.

Funny how that works. On her final melt down she brought up all sorts of crap. Some I had heard before and werent a big deal at the time (except to her I guess. She let those fester), some that i accept (like spending more time, i could have tried alot harder than I did, no excuses, but she didnt try either), some totally made up that left me standing there with the What the heck look and then the venom towards my daughter. Im really not understanding why the fu*k im still on here. Seems like a no brainer that she was unstable. Why is she still occupying space in my head?

[JRT]

I go all-public in fb with my photos etc. because due to love-hate cycle, we frequently friend-unfriend-block with my uBPDbf, and I am quite generous. If he wants the pleasure of stalking me - it's all his

I stalk him too though, so no issues.

But he is so far my "current" bf, although right now we are on hate curve of the cycle.

I wonder if you can tell me more abut these cycles. Are they planned or extemporaneous? How long are the cycles? Who breaks the cycle? Etc

Yeah, well, it seems his love sometimes becomes hate (main thing is that not indifference).

It's not planned, but triggered. Mostly by real or imagined abandonment (started going to boxing so got less emotionally dependent on him, then one moment I refused to talk to him because I had onions getting burned on the gas stove, I left to my country because my visa expired etc.).

He used to cut contact in the "hate" state of the loop (because he is aware that it's weird to love one day and hate next day without any serious reason), but since we talked that it's okay to hate me from time to time, he hates me openly... .that is, tells me he hates me without fear that I will freak out and leave him.

I told him that the opposite of love is not hate but indifference... .so he does not have to worry.

I see it in this light: " I love you so much, but you obviously care more for your onions than for me - so I hate you for that!"

It seems to end by itself after some cooling down period... .mostly. After the triggering episode goes out of "mental scope"

I suspect it's approximately equivalent to normal people holding a grudge. Except that normal adult people take it in prospective, they rarely tell something like : " you did not want to talk to me at 5:12pm because of your onions, so now I will never talk to you again!"

What else... .he obviously does not want to talk to me while he is hating me (it's all very real for him, he sees me like his enemy), but then he just suddenly realises that I am not all that bad as he was thinking, so he starts talking to me again.

Now he pretty much learned that hate is not that very eternal, so we try to maintain the most necessary communication anyway.

How often do you cycle through this way?

[JRT]

If youve disconnected and are NC then feeding her fantasy will have no effect on you. Does it matter if they get something out of it if it doesnt affect you or is it really about hurting them?

We have to be honest why we do these things. If its for your own protection then its sensible if its because you want revenge then do you want to be that person?

My main concern is trying to understand her behavior and anticipate reaction to my activities. However, given the amount of pain that she inflicted upon me and my daughter, I don't think that there is a person in the world that would fault me for doling come back. Its not like I am looking to burn her house down with her in it either. If cutting her off from seeing my FB posts causes her pain and anxiety, I really don't see any problem in doing so. Going further, do you really believe that makes me some sort of a bad person? I don't think so.

[downwhim]

Why are you a bad person if you cut her off of FB? You are setting boundaries. That is a good thing.

You said she has hurt you and your daughter yet you also sound like you want her back. Why?

[AnnaK]

How often do you cycle through this way?

There is no strict cycle, it can happen any time. It's more or less like weather

The main point is to understand that the opposite of love is not hate. Hate is often just a disguise for love. Then I take it easy.