Mutual Friends Help

[bpd3103]

Did yours ever do something like this?

I made some good friends through her during our relationship, never really brought her around mine (glad I didn't now, don't think she would have been able to handle her jealousy)

  Anyways, I remember during our relationship I mentioned adding our new mutual friends on Facebook. She basically said in a very cold, possessive way, "Why would you do that? Those are my friends" But I had grown quite cool and close to some of them and made genuine friendships. I thought it was weird she would say that. I never did add them, and i am moving soon, should I still add them now that her and I are broken up? Is that weird? I don't feel like I should have to miss out on friendships because of what she did ya know? But no telling what she has said to them about me, if anything. What would she think if I did?

They are all naive of her illness, and really loved us as a couple.

[Elpis]

That's really interesting. Hadn't even thought about that.

If you're close to these other people why shouldn't you add them? Whatever she says to them that other person still has the choice to recognize you for who you are.

On the other hand, will they be a strained tie between you and your ex? Like will you be likely to run into her by being around them?

[bpd3103]

No, Im moving to another city, away from both her and them, so there is no chance of strained feelings or running into her.

[Elpis]

I guess if you have them as friends you'll find out one way or the other if they want to stay friends.

I know lots of people recommend not being heavily into FB when you're going through this detaching part, as it can escalate the problems.

[bpd3103]

   Yeah it has been hard with social media, especially today with the new year fun they are all posting, but I am not as fazed as I once would have been. 

   I have a-lot to look forward in life for the new year. My life is better without her in it.

   But it is hard to watch them have fun without us. I know it is all just smoke and mirrors, but still... .

   What do they go through when they see you moving on or having fun? Or do they feel nothing?

[missblue]

You might try sending them a message first... .letting them know that you are moving... .and making the offer that they can add you if they like so they can keep in contact with you. That way, it's by their choice, and so if they catch any flack about it, they can more easily defend it.

I'd taken the ax to my friends list and unfriended all but two mutual friends... .but I wish I would have slowed down and let them make the decision themselves and just let them know that I was ok if they felt like the grief they got from him wasn't worth it and wanted to remove me.

[drummerboy]

She has probably done a smear campaign against you with these mutual  friends. Mine did a limited smear campaign but it only worked on a very naive simpleton and in fact showed me that I didn't want this fake friend as a real friend anyhow.

[downwhim]

By being on fb with mutual friends you may hear about or see pictures of your ex. I would think that would be a trigger. I would let it go. You'll make new friends in your new city.

[Suzn]

What do they go through when they see you moving on or having fun? Or do they feel nothing?

This generally triggers abandonment fears.

By being on fb with mutual friends you may hear about or see pictures of your ex. I would think that would be a trigger. I would let it go. You'll make new friends in your new city.

Agreed.

[bpd3103]

By being on fb with mutual friends you may hear about or see pictures of your ex. I would think that would be a trigger. I would let it go. You'll make new friends in your new city.

Agreed as well.

[Shibuya]

I had a situation where her friends she grew up with during highschool was throwing a birthday party ( we're around our 30s) at a nearby hotel. Ive known them for a long time since they were all mutual friends to my previous ex. We were supposed to go together, but she decided to just stay home because she was tired from work. I end up going, she calls me up angry telling me why did I go to the party! and she said " They arent even your friends, theyre my friends!" She proceeded to explain how she now understands why her ex used to be insecure about her being with his friends (which was really because all the guys wanted to have sex with her). It was strange, but I had a good time anyways.  They welcomed me saying "of course you are our friends, you can come hang out with us anytime you like"

[bpd3103]

I had a situation where her friends she grew up with during highschool was throwing a birthday party ( we're around our 30s) at a nearby hotel. Ive known them for a long time since they were all mutual friends to my previous ex. We were supposed to go together, but she decided to just stay home because she was tired from work. I end up going, she calls me up angry telling me why did I go to the party! and she said " They arent even your friends, theyre my friends!" She proceeded to explain how she now understands why her ex used to be insecure about her being with his friends (which was really because all the guys wanted to have sex with her). It was strange, but I had a good time anyways.  They welcomed me saying "of course you are our friends, you can come hang out with us anytime you like"

Thanks for this. Maybe i will add some of them after all (but prob not). Its funny how they are possessive of that sort of thing. I think they fear being made to look bad in front of them, that their faults will come out.

But you would think that if they can treat us the way they have that the "friends" in their lives would mean nothing to them, just gap fillers for particular feelings, since they never really deeply care for anyone.