Struggling with a hard time

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello

I'm struggling with a hard time and for some reason I desperately want to contact my exuBPD. I want to know that I actually meant something. I want to know she meant the words that she said and  that she did love me.

I have no idea why I want support from her. Her support was kind and quiet at the start to non existent or just dismissive and cruel towards the end.

I'm in hospital tomorrow having an ear operation. My Dad is having tests for lung cancer and my Mum has early onset Alzheimers. I'm on ad's and off work.

Just feeling so low, worried, lonely, isolated and very bad about myself. Sorry to sound so pathetic.

[H Hi]

Hello

I'm struggling with a hard time and for some reason I desperately want to contact my exuBPD. I want to know that I actually meant something. I want to know she meant the words that she said and  that she did love me.

I have no idea why I want support from her. Her support was kind and quiet at the start to non existent or just dismissive and cruel towards the end.

I'm in hospital tomorrow having an ear operation. My Dad is having tests for lung cancer and my Mum has early onset Alzheimers. I'm on ad's and off work.

Just feeling so low, worried, lonely, isolated and very bad about myself. Sorry to sound so pathetic.

[Whitebread]

I'm so sorry things are piled up for you H Hi... .it's little wonder you feel as you do!  I would imagine your feelings of wanting some support from your ex are perfectly normal given everything that is going on.

We all want to be comforted and supported during tough times, and who else but someone we loved and invested time in do we want that from?  But I wonder if you did contact her, if you would get what you need, or if it would simply add more to your overflowing burdens right now?

Have you any siblings or friends you can lean on?  Are you seeing a T? 

Best of luck with your surgery, and with the challenges with your loved ones.  Been there in all 3 regards and it's very tough stuff to deal with.   

[H Hi]

Thank you so much White bread 

My best friend has been amazing and my sister as well. My Mum and Dad are very difficult to deal with and have always been very emotionally distant and controlling.

I had been seeing a T and I'm contact with her by email. I think I need to go through the stages of grief. It's been 7 weeks since BU.  She did it by email. I'm probably putting pressure on myself to feel better and change my life. I just feel so awful about myself, un confident, unattractive and unlovable.

Where are you in your healing?

[jhkbuzz]

Hello

I'm struggling with a hard time and for some reason I desperately want to contact my exuBPD. I want to know that I actually meant something. I want to know she meant the words that she said and  that she did love me.

I have no idea why I want support from her. Her support was kind and quiet at the start to non existent or just dismissive and cruel towards the end.

I'm in hospital tomorrow having an ear operation. My Dad is having tests for lung cancer and my Mum has early onset Alzheimers. I'm on ad's and off work.

Just feeling so low, worried, lonely, isolated and very bad about myself. Sorry to sound so pathetic.

Try to resist... .not only is it likely that you would not receive the emotional support you need... .but you might very well hear something that makes you feel even worse than you feel right now.

I suspect that your ex did love you... .but it more like the kind of love a child experiences - remember, this is a disorder of arrested emotional development.

Be kind to yourself... .you are allowed to grieve without feeling "pathetic."  But taking care of yourself right now likely also includes not opening yourself up to more opportunities to be hurt. 

[Whitebread]

Hi H Hi,

I'm glad you have some loving support, my best friend has been a lifesaver for me.

Oh, we've been out of our relationships close to the same time, I'm about 5 weeks.  I think your feelings, at least some, ARE part of grieving process... .I've felt that way too off and on over the last month.  Obviously you've got more going on to add to it.

Currently in my grieving I go from angry, to sad, worried about going it alone, to feeling like I'm going to make it, sometimes over the course of a few hours! 

I think allowing yourself a break, understanding you're grieving ( read up on the process, it will help explain some of your feelings) realizing that you have been damaged by your relationship and it's a process we all have to go through will be a little bit of assurance for you.  I've read here somewhere the average time when people felt grief lift was 90 days... .everyone is different, but your journey is still beginning.

Please don't be too hard on yourself to rush the process... .it takes as long as it takes, and the darkness and anxiety will lift.  Sometimes we get stuck in a rut but that's where the T and our support system really helps.

And posting here, to people who get it, is an amazing tool!  Every one of us has in some way has been through what you're feeling now.  Sharing your feelings helps you, and us! 

[jhkbuzz]

I think I need to go through the stages of grief.

You absolutely do.  And be patient with yourself... .it's not a linear process.  You may cycle back through stages repeatedly before you reach acceptance.

It's been 7 weeks since BU.  She did it by email.

My exBPDgf broke up by email as well.  It stunned me - we were together for 8 years.  So I feel your pain, but remember:  her immaturity in handling the breakup says something about HER - it says absolutely NOTHING about you or your worth.

I just feel so awful about myself, un confident, unattractive and unlovable.

I felt this way for a long while after the breakup - it's very painful, I know. But eventually I realized that the behaviors she engaged in says something about HER and her inability to love, or to engage in a healthy, loving adult relationship. Her behaviors were not about me at all - they were not a reflection of who I am as a person - they're a reflection of who SHE is as a person. A person who is sadly disordered and destructive in intimate relationships. 

That's the truth. You will again feel confident, attractive and lovable - it will just take some time.  Be gentle with yourself.

[H Hi]

Hi jhkbuzz

Thank you for your support. It does really help. You are right, ending a relationship by email is so immature and indecent. She picked up that I wasn't happy in the relationship and asked me to end it by text message!

How long do you think it takes to start feeling a bit better about yourself and life in general?

[Infared]

Hello

I'm struggling with a hard time and for some reason I desperately want to contact my exuBPD. I want to know that I actually meant something. I want to know she meant the words that she said and  that she did love me.

I have no idea why I want support from her. Her support was kind and quiet at the start to non existent or just dismissive and cruel towards the end.

I'm in hospital tomorrow having an ear operation. My Dad is having tests for lung cancer and my Mum has early onset Alzheimers. I'm on ad's and off work.

Just feeling so low, worried, lonely, isolated and very bad about myself. Sorry to sound so pathetic.

Try to resist... .not only is it likely that you would not receive the emotional support you need... .but you might very well hear something that makes you feel even worse than you feel right now.

I suspect that your ex did love you... .but it more like the kind of love a child experiences - remember, this is a disorder of arrested emotional development.

Be kind to yourself... .you are allowed to grieve without feeling "pathetic."  But taking care of yourself right now likely also includes not opening yourself up to more opportunities to be hurt.  

I agree with Junk.

I lost my 5-year relationship, my job, my home, then my Mom got sick and died all during the year after my ex left me. The tiny bit of contact I had with her was extremely dysfunctional and ugly. No support for my situation with my Mom At all from my ex: "Well, it's not like your Mom and I were all that close".

I got a lot of support from a self-help group, my T and from friends. I had to keep ti in the moment and deal with it one-day at a time. My situation did have its benefits... .I was able to be there a LOT for my Mom and I was quite at peace when she passed as I was really able to connect with her and be supportive when she needed ME!

Try to keep it in the moment, and just put one foot in front of the other... .keep it in the day.

I wish you well.

[jhkbuzz]

Hi jhkbuzz

Thank you for your support. It does really help. You are right, ending a relationship by email is so immature and indecent. She picked up that I wasn't happy in the relationship and asked me to end it by text message!

How long do you think it takes to start feeling a bit better about yourself and life in general?

I am headed towards 5 months post b/u.  I have more better days than bad, but the bad days still come. The episodes are shorter, however, and I can feel myself becoming more healed and whole.

Early on I made sure to get out of the house, spend time with friends, even went to some meetups (meetup.com).  I did some clothes shopping to make sure that whenever I went out I felt good about myself!  I exercised, lost some weight... .in the end, I treated myself well and gently.  You should do the same.

Another thing... .although I think you have to be careful about this one, because everyone is different.  I ended up meeting someone about 3 months after the b/u... .dated (and I do mean dated ONLY, very casual and enjoyable) for about two months. Dinner, movies, music venues... .stuff like that.  This helped me in several ways:  it made me realize that I was not unattractive or unlovable as I feared (!) and that my fear that I might be single/alone FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE was completely unfounded.    It also helped me come to the realization that I really wasn't ready to date yet - I was still too emotionally raw (and exhausted) to jump back into another relationship. I was honest about this and we have agreed to be friends for now.  Who knows what the future holds.

Lastly, I am beginning to feel a shift in my focus... .I spent the first several months learning about BPD, processing the end of the relationship... .almost relentlessly.  But now my focus has begun to shift to myself... .what kept me clinging to an unhealthy relationship in which my needs were not being met in any way, shape or form... .what I need to work on before I get into another relationship... .things like that.  I have a therapist, which I strongly recommend.  They are in your corner but not afraid to speak the truth plainly when you need to hear it.

[H Hi]

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone that replied to my post. I had the ear surgery and it went well although sore as hell. An old ex girlfriend came to stay for a couple of days to look after me. My ex undiagnosed BPD would never have done this. She wouldn't have looked after me or cared or shown any real empathy. I have still been tempted to contact her but bit by bit I'm slowly coming to the realisation that she loved me like a child loves and that she "needed" me. She even said that she needed me in her life and wasn't going to let me go. That's creepy.

I'm starting to think of her less. Seeing her more and more for what she is, good and bad points. I'm glad that I knew something was "up" after a couple of months and then got out after 4 months. I then got lured back into a recycle and got dumped by email. She wanted to remain friends and I said no. She was never a friend to me when we're sleeping together so she was never going to be a friend to me after. In some ways I feel for her. She will never know true intimacy because she can not show vulnerabilities.