The Child of a Narcassistic parent

[jammo1989]

Can someone please try and help me understand this? I've always compared the nature of a narcisstic parent as all eyes on me, must be the centre of attention and lacks empathy towards the child.  Isn't the Narcassitic parent the successful type that pushes their children towards success and becomes angry towards the child if these achievements aren't met? Almost like Beauty Pagent mothers or the mothers of young female cheerleaders.

If that's the case, can a narssistic mother be the unsuccessful kind, the raging alcoholic that have no attention or empathy towards the child.  For example, caring for the mother from a very young age because of drug and alcohol abuse, would these still be considered narcassistic because although the push for success on the child isn't present the need for constant attention is still during childhood.

[Blimblam]

https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/loving-self-absorbed

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

My father is a classic NPD.  It was certainly all eyes on him but he had zero interest in the success of his children.  I was very clever at school but he wanted me out at 15.  Annoyed him when I ended up with a degree.  The only time he ever really took an interest in us was when it reflected well on him - for example exemplary behaviour in front of his friends.  He visited me last year for the first time in 7 years.  In the three days he was with me I doubt I got more than five minutes of my own conversation in .  He on the other hand couldn't stop talking.  It was all about him and his world.  I realised then how ill he actually is.  I could have been a card board cut out and I debt he would have noticed.  I really felt pity for him.

[Ziggiddy]

Hi jammo

It can be confusing at times to define personality disorder because a) they exist on a spectrum - so some symptoms may be stronger than others and show up at different times with different intensity or frequency and b) many disorders can coexist (this is called comorbidity)

As far as narcissism goes, the main feature is grandiosity -as you point out - 'all eyes on me'. Everything viewed through the lens of their image of themselves.

The main feature of BPD is abandonment fear.

The symptoms of both can overlap.

As far as the success of their children goes, a narcissist can be quite motivated for their child to be successful - this is in order for the child to fulfill the NPD parent's own dreams or perhaps to take credit for the child's success. other NPD parents couldn't give a flying fig how their child performs except for it's effect on how other people view the NPD parent.

jammo did you have to care for your mother when you were a kid because she was alcoholic?

If so then that is awful. Just awful. Whether it was BPD or NPD it is an example of miserably poor parenting - it is the parent's duty to care for the child - not the other way round.

Did your mother display empathy for you? interest in you? Or were you more required to pay attention to and have empathy for her?

[jammo1989]

Hi jammo

It can be confusing at times to define personality disorder because a) they exist on a spectrum - so some symptoms may be stronger than others and show up at different times with different intensity or frequency and b) many disorders can coexist (this is called comorbidity)

As far as narcissism goes, the main feature is grandiosity -as you point out - 'all eyes on me'. Everything viewed through the lens of their image of themselves.

The main feature of BPD is abandonment fear.

The symptoms of both can overlap.

As far as the success of their children goes, a narcissist can be quite motivated for their child to be successful - this is in order for the child to fulfill the NPD parent's own dreams or perhaps to take credit for the child's success. other NPD parents couldn't give a flying fig how their child performs except for it's effect on how other people view the NPD parent.

jammo did you have to care for your mother when you were a kid because she was alcoholic?

If so then that is awful. Just awful. Whether it was BPD or NPD it is an example of miserably poor parenting - it is the parent's duty to care for the child - not the other way round.

Did your mother display empathy for you? interest in you? Or were you more required to pay attention to and have empathy for her?

Sorry if i wast clear on what i wrote, i had an amazing childhood, I was talking about my ex gfs mother.  It has always confused me because, i always thought or narcisstic parents as the sucessful type, but when googling things like *The child of an alchaholic parent* it made me think, the Narcassism comes from the all eyes on me and constant attention that parent expected from the child.  For example, my ex used to have days off school at 11 years old because she had to clear up her mothers sick and put her to bed because of her alchahol abuse.  So in theory her mother was never the hungry for achievments, succesful type because shes never worked her whole life, but the narcasissm comes from

Her needs being met by her daughter, while at the same time that attention and those needs were never returned.

[Cat Familiar]

It never occurred to me that narcissistic mothers could be withdrawn and socially inept. I always thought there was a grandiosity to narcissism, which there probably is in most cases. However, my T had me read a book, and I'm forgetting the title, but it was about narcissistic parents and not only were there classic "look at me" narcissists, there were the quiet ones, who also wanted everyone's focus.

My mother was the latter. She encouraged my successes because it contributed to her self image. She was shy in social situations, but thought everyone's attention was on her, whether it was or not. She was extremely self-focused and therefore a narcissist, even though she didn't have the grandiosity element.

If I stayed out late at night, she'd confront me with "What will the neighbors think?" At a restaurant, she assumed that everyone was listening to her conversation.

To be tremendously shy, yet think all eyes are upon you--that's what she taught me and when I take that personality disorder test, I come up with 58% narcissistic and 68% obsessive compulsive. I guess I'm happier than if it had shown me to be BPD.

[Divinedime]

I'm absolutely no expert from a professional standpoint but I did grow up in an environment with a mother with NPD and I'm currently living with someone with BPD. before my birth my mother was never withdrawn or socially inept; she was the CEO of a successful business, in a happy marriage, young and beautiful. As she changed with age and things have happened in her life, she became more and more introverted. However, this did not change the narcissism. Someone can be completely unhappy with themselves and still be narcissistic. I think the problem lies in the obsession with themselves and inability to see themselves objectively.


I don't have proper access to healthcare but I would not be surprised if I also have NPD. Perhaps I merely picked up on my mother's traits and accepted them as my own considering I didn't even know they were abnormal until adulthood. But the reason I mention this, I'm VERY introverted emotionally and although I'm outgoing, socially, I have a very hard time marinating any sort of friendship and I've struggled with this my whole life. I am constantly preoccupied with thoughts of how everyone else is viewing me. I obsess for hours about my appearance. I can't take criticism.

As aforementioned, these disorders all exist on a spectrum. My theory behind the quiet "all eyes on me" type is that the affected person believes they should receive the attention without "asking" for it, or even stepping into the spotlights so to speak.

I'm not sure if that made much sense, hope it did.

[Cat Familiar]

Someone can be completely unhappy with themselves and still be narcissistic. I think the problem lies in the obsession with themselves and inability to see themselves objectively... .I am constantly preoccupied with thoughts of how everyone else is viewing me. I obsess for hours about my appearance. I can't take criticism... .As aforementioned, these disorders all exist on a spectrum. My theory behind the quiet "all eyes on me" type is that the affected person believes they should receive the attention without "asking" for it, or even stepping into the spotlights so to speak.

That makes a lot of sense to me, Divinedime. I've taken several of these online tests for personality disorder and I always get off the chart for obsessive-compulsive disorder and higher than average for NPD. I can understand the OCD result and I've been accused of being a "perfectionist" more than once, but I'm not nearly so extreme as some of my aunts, who I admired for their Martha Stewart-like homes.

But the narcissism really surprised me. I previously was one of those people you describe--completely unhappy with myself. Thanks to therapy, I no longer feel this way. Also as a child, I thought everyone was constantly looking at me and evaluating me in a negative way--undoubtedly due to the influence of my mother's narcissism.

Now I feel invisible for the most part, unless I try to purposely stand out, which I have no desire to do. Also I figure a third of the people I meet are going to like me, a third dislike me and a third be completely oblivious of me. So I feel like I've overcome much of that narcissistic programming I grew up with, thankfully.