Stuck in neutral

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm on antidepressants. They helped a lot when I first started taking them.  They seemed to clear the fog out of my head really well, and help me start defining my individual feelings instead of just feeling muddled and confused all the time.  That was about a year ago. 

The problem I'm having now, is that, all I really feel most of the time is sadness, weariness, loneliness and defeat.  There is so very little joy in my life.  It's better when he is at work, because it gives me time away from his sad face, constant complaints about pain, and obsession with the end of times, not to mention the break from being told how to do everything the 'right' way.  All those things drag me down so much, over and over. 

But then I get lonely being here alone all day every day.  And I can't seem to get out of my own head space and get anything really productive done.  It takes all my effort just to keep myself feed, and get a little exercise, throughout the day. 

I have my computer connections, like this site, and they help a lot.  But I know I need real in-person connections with people in my life, and yet, I can't seem take that step.  I have friends, and adult kids that I can talk to, but when I go to call anyone, I just well up with tears, and because I can't think of anything positive, or productive, or exciting to talk about, I don't make the call.  I feel like my negativity and bad feelings don't need to be passed on to someone else - it isn't their problem, so why drag them into it.

I loose myself in distractions, day after day.  It's not getting me anywhere, but I don't know how to get out of this place where I can't seem to reach out to anyone, or do anything to help me feel better about myself.  It even feels like I really have no trust in myself anymore.  I've made so many choices in my life that felt like the right thing to do at the time, that now look so wrong.  Like at some point, I decided that if I can't do anything right, I won't do anything at all.  And here I sit.  Doing nothing, and doing nothing to change it.

[Crumbling]

I'm on antidepressants. They helped a lot when I first started taking them.  They seemed to clear the fog out of my head really well, and help me start defining my individual feelings instead of just feeling muddled and confused all the time.  That was about a year ago. 

The problem I'm having now, is that, all I really feel most of the time is sadness, weariness, loneliness and defeat.  There is so very little joy in my life.  It's better when he is at work, because it gives me time away from his sad face, constant complaints about pain, and obsession with the end of times, not to mention the break from being told how to do everything the 'right' way.  All those things drag me down so much, over and over. 

But then I get lonely being here alone all day every day.  And I can't seem to get out of my own head space and get anything really productive done.  It takes all my effort just to keep myself feed, and get a little exercise, throughout the day. 

I have my computer connections, like this site, and they help a lot.  But I know I need real in-person connections with people in my life, and yet, I can't seem take that step.  I have friends, and adult kids that I can talk to, but when I go to call anyone, I just well up with tears, and because I can't think of anything positive, or productive, or exciting to talk about, I don't make the call.  I feel like my negativity and bad feelings don't need to be passed on to someone else - it isn't their problem, so why drag them into it.

I loose myself in distractions, day after day.  It's not getting me anywhere, but I don't know how to get out of this place where I can't seem to reach out to anyone, or do anything to help me feel better about myself.  It even feels like I really have no trust in myself anymore.  I've made so many choices in my life that felt like the right thing to do at the time, that now look so wrong.  Like at some point, I decided that if I can't do anything right, I won't do anything at all.  And here I sit.  Doing nothing, and doing nothing to change it.

[vortex of confusion]

Want to send you a great big hug! 

I know exactly how you are feeling. I struggle with some of the same things. Every now and then, I will get a burst of energy along with a burst of clarity but it rarely lasts because he will come home from work or the people that I reach out to will be busy. And then, I end up feeling a bit like a burden.

There are times when I stay away from this site because I feel like nobody wants to hear my crap. It is the same stuff different day. I try to do little things to make it better but I have a difficult time sustaining things because I get so much push/pull from my spouse and kids. I feel like there are times when I live life one day at a time and have very little to look forward to. My kids bring me a lot of joy but I can't make my life be about them. I want and need other things but can't seem to find the wherewithal to take the leap. I have looked at meet up groups but talk myself out of even trying it because I am afraid that I will fall to pieces.

[Crumbling]

 

Thanks, VC.  It helps to know I'm not the only one that feels like this.

c.

[Crumbling]

Don't stay away too much.  We'd miss you.  We're family now.  

I like hearing about your 'crap' 

[downwhim]

Crumbling and Vortex,

We all need to hear the crap. I know I sound repetitive too but we all want to share here as a release. No worries it is ALL helpful. No need to feel alone... .write away

[vortex of confusion]

Don't stay away too much.  We'd miss you.  We're family now.  

I like hearing about your 'crap' 

Thanks Crumbling!

Sure, those of us on this board don't mind listening to each other because we have all been there, done that. It's funny when I see myself call it crap, I wonder if that isn't part of the problem that I have with getting motivated and getting out of neutral. I am still trying to accept that my feelings are NOT crap. I am still trying to validate the years worth of feelings that I have stuffed. In order to get out of neutral, I think I really need to quit spinning my wheels and floor it. I can say that all day long but can't seem to do anything more than take baby steps here and there. I keep hoping that the baby steps will add up over time. Right now, I really have my doubts.

[Lady Sirrah]

Hey you guys. What you are feeling is perfectly normal. Antidepressants help with clarity and focus BUT it only takes it so far. I have been on Prozac for anxiety and depression for about eight years now (long before I even met my BPDh) and thus I suppose I was fortunate to have already been on medication. BUT when the ___e started to hit the fan earlier this year it was like I was pulled right back into depression without even a hint of it coming. The PTSD I have been dealing with I know played a big part. When I sunk way back into this depression I didn't even want to take my pills anymore. I really wanted to die.

So back to where I started. I am feeling good now and I am getting myself out there. Like I was saying, the medication only takes you so far; you have got to meet it halfway. This means you have to be strong. You have to muddle up all the courage you have for only five minutes to get yourself somewhere. Start slow. Go to a local coffee shop and just sit in there and read a book. Listen to people around you and take them in (might even give you something to giggle about inside). If you don't care for the coffee scene then make it a local book store. Just watch people. As you watch people you become more connected with reality. One step at a time.

Point is, it is freaking hard. And I know. I was there so many days. Find a group to meet with. Find something you enjoy. I can tell you while you are putting on your shoes getting ready to go to that place you are going to feel so dragged down, you are going to feel like it is pointless, you are going to feel so tired and fatigued, but I guarantee you that once you start doing that stuff you are going to feel better. You just need to take that first step. I promise you. 

[Crumbling]

Hi, Sirrah.  Thanks for sharing your experience with the antidepressants.  I guess it makes sense, what you said, about meeting the pills half way.  Like the pills clear the way so you can see the path, but it's up to you to walk it.

VC, I'm going quote you and post it on my fridge:  "My feeling are NOT crap!"  You've got something there.  It's so easy to belittle our own feelings, especially when we live with someone who does it constantly. 

You could likely write a book, well no, maybe a really long chapter, with the number of posts I've typed then erased.  It's so hard to open up.  But I do know for sure that the support, wisdom and encouragement I get here is worth working through every doubt that surfaces.