Choose to STOP being a victim

[Infern0]

I see a lot of people who are still suffering and just wanted to give some thoughts on the recovery process.

When all of this stuff happened to me I was hurting so badly.

Self esteem had gone through rock bottom and was in some sort of new low,  I was depressed to the point of welcoming death,  I was angry some times,  sad the next.  I was wishing she would come back.

My BPDEX came back,  cheated on my replacement with me,  tried to put me into triangulation/ line me up to replace HIM.

I was caught in the trap but this time I decided to walk away. I belive that ME walking helped me to recover at a quicker rate,  but that being said it's only a psychological thing not based in any reality.

The thing is I made the concious decision to stop being a "victim" and while there has been up and downs I'm on the mend.

It's so easy to get stuck in a rut but you need to do whatever you can to get out of the victim mindset. 

My BPDEX has tried to break my NC many times in the last few weeks but it's got to the point where I just think she's pathetic now.

Do I want a partner who:

Lies

Cheats

Manipulates

Is annorexic

Is mental

Wakes up screaming all hours of the night

can't hold a job

"Hears voices"

Could potentially murder me in my sleep

Is stupid

Is shallow

Has no goals in life

Is irresponsible

Has little to no empathy

Is rude

Is abusive

Basically sucks ass in all respects except sex.

The answer is NO.

If you break it down and come to realise that you start healing up.

[hurting300]

Wow great post. Did we date the same woman .

[Trog]

Realising their behaviours are not good enough, on a true level, ie, not just paying that lip service is the major step to recovery for me. I feel like you, it's hard watching people hurt and wonder if they should compromise or triangulate etc etc, but recovery seems to be quite a specific system and our brains really do want to work out why something is broke rather than just accepting it's broke... .And that is was crap anyway. You wouldn't waste all this time trying to fix a broken Casio when with a little self work you could have your own personalised Rolex!

It hurts, we were betrayed, they lied to us, shamed us, humiliated us, stole our hopes and dreams, made us feel like we were crazy, under appreciated us, personally I don't care about the debate whether it's them or BPD, she hurt me, over and over, in terrible, humiliating ways, with snippets of loving actions in between to keep me on the hook. I kinda hate her guts!

An I don't the list you described for my life, but I am still annoyed I ever had it. So that's a different step of recovery

[HappyNihilist]

Infern0, I agree that it's important to get out of a victim mindset if we want to heal.

You are taking yourself out of the drama and focusing on what you truly need and want in life. You've realized that your exgf can't provide what you need. By stepping out of the victim role, you were able to reclaim your personal power and take a big step further down the road of healing. 

recovery seems to be quite a specific system and our brains really do want to work out why something is broke rather than just accepting it's broke... .And that is was crap anyway.

Accepting that something is broken and letting go is a vital part of detachment.

However, it's also important to looking at why it was broken. Yes, my exbf had BPD, so a healthy and functional relationship with him was not possible. The question then becomes, why did I become and stay involved with this person?

Because this is really The Question to answer.

It hurts, we were betrayed, they lied to us, shamed us, humiliated us, stole our hopes and dreams, made us feel like we were crazy, under appreciated us, personally I don't care about the debate whether it's them or BPD, she hurt me, over and over, in terrible, humiliating ways, with snippets of loving actions in between to keep me on the hook.

Trog, I understand your pain and anger... .it's completely understandable. Yes, our exes hurt us, lied to us, etc. You have every right to feel angry.

But for the purposes of the topic "choosing to stop being a victim"... .These are things that she did to you. How might you reframe this to be the actor instead of the acted-upon?

[Blimblam]

Yeah inferno that's sort of what it comes down to can one live a life stuck in that pattern and accept that's what she is going to do? 

And why did/ do I want to?

It's painful to examine oneself and scary.

[Trog]

I know, I understand that I allowed this to happen, that I am codependent, I gave up so much of my life to please her and it wasn't good enough, it was also something I shouldn't have done. I am angry at myself for letting it all get that far, i allowed her to disrespect me. I allowed it all to the point where I don't trust myself anymore. For sure I won't do that again, I do believe I needed to learn this lesson. But I also believe that in the end, I did make the right final choice in leaving her. It's my work... .My work now is self confidence, believing I am good enough, trusting in myself - it's coda 101.

[HappyNihilist]

I know, I understand that I allowed this to happen, that I am codependent, I gave up so much of my life to please her and it wasn't good enough

It's good that you've been looking at yourself and your role, and that you see the relationship dynamic for what it was. 

it was also something I shouldn't have done. I am angry at myself for letting it all get that far, i allowed her to disrespect me. I allowed it all to the point where I don't trust myself anymore.

It's natural to feel angry, ashamed, disappointed in ourselves when we realize what we allowed in a toxic r/s. But you can't beat yourself up for that. You did the best you could do at the time. Being angry at yourself won't change anything -- except adding to the internalized negative thoughts that keep your self-esteem down.

My work now is self confidence, believing I am good enough, trusting in myself - it's coda 101.

What is it that makes you feel you're not good enough?

You recognize that you show codependent traits, and that you sacrificed yourself in a never-ending effort to be "good enough" for your exgf.

Where do these feelings come from? Why do you equate "good enough" with self-sacrifice for another's needs?

You're doing good work. 

[blissful_camper]

I know, I understand that I allowed this to happen, that I am codependent, I gave up so much of my life to please her and it wasn't good enough, it was also something I shouldn't have done. I am angry at myself for letting it all get that far, i allowed her to disrespect me. I allowed it all to the point where I don't trust myself anymore. For sure I won't do that again, I do believe I needed to learn this lesson. But I also believe that in the end, I did make the right final choice in leaving her. It's my work... .My work now is self confidence, believing I am good enough, trusting in myself - it's coda 101.

Trog, it was good enough.   In 2013, I was experiencing some of the feelings that you are now.  The relationship had ended, I'd left and moved out of state, and I'd been feeling awful for months prior to the b/u.  My self-esteem was at an all time low.  I was depressed.  My enthusiasm, positive outlook on life, love of life, sense of humor had eroded.  I hardly recognized myself.  I recently looked at photos of myself taken just after the b/u and they are disturbing to see.  I was in so much pain in those photos.  I looked bewildered.  I'd lost weight.  In those photos I saw the trauma I'd experienced.  I've come a long way since then, and you will get there too.  

Find and engage in activities that truly reinforce your sense of well being.  :)o things that remind you that you can trust yourself, that you are good enough.  Tell yourself those things everyday.  "I am good enough, I trust myself."  Most importantly, forgive yourself.  You did the best you could.  You had the best of intentions.  Honor that.  

Patientandclear recently shared insight that you may also find helpful:

To your question: the best rule of thumb I've discerned is that pwBPD will engage with people who make them feel good, while that good feeling continues.  If something that person does is disappointing, differs from what the pwBPD thinks, makes him feel criticized, controlled or judged, calls the future loyalty or priorities of the partner into question ... .Even if only through a very distorted lens ... .That person loses her "good feeling" value.

It didn't take much to displease my ex resulting in my losing my "good feeling" value.  If I didn't sleep well and had dark circles under my eyes, if I wore a bra, went away on a business trip, prepared food he didn't care for, used language/words he didn't understand, didn't finish a project as quickly as he felt I should have, if I cried, if I was happy, if I slept in late ... . do you see where I'm going with this?  I did everything humanly possible to please him, and yet it "wasn't good enough" in his mind.  No matter what I did for him, or how much I  loved him, and tried to please him, he was on the lookout for "flaws" and easily found "reasons" to criticize me.  These "reasons" resulted in my losing my "good feeling" value.  Back then, it hurt like heck.  The first year of healing it hurt.   When I look at it now, it's absurd.  

Trog, you are good enough... .

[Pingo]

Patientandclear recently shared insight that you may also find helpful:

To your question: the best rule of thumb I've discerned is that pwBPD will engage with people who make them feel good, while that good feeling continues.  If something that person does is disappointing, differs from what the pwBPD thinks, makes him feel criticized, controlled or judged, calls the future loyalty or priorities of the partner into question ... .Even if only through a very distorted lens ... .That person loses her "good feeling" value.

It didn't take much to displease my ex resulting in my losing my "good feeling" value.  If I didn't sleep well and had dark circles under my eyes, if I wore a bra, went away on a business trip, prepared food he didn't care for, used language/words he didn't understand, didn't finish a project as quickly as he felt I should have, if I cried, if I was happy, if I slept in late ... . do you see where I'm going with this?  I did everything humanly possible to please him, and yet it "wasn't good enough" in his mind.  No matter what I did for him, or how much I  loved him, and tried to please him, he was on the lookout for "flaws" and easily found "reasons" to criticize me.  These "reasons" resulted in my losing my "good feeling" value.  Back then, it hurt like heck.  The first year of healing it hurt.   When I look at it now, it's absurd.  

My experience as well!  Thank you for sharing that!

[myself]

I believe that ME walking helped me to recover at a quicker rate,  but that being said it's only a psychological thing not based in any reality.

This is what helped me let go of much of feeling like a continuous victim.

Choosing for myself, hard as it was at the time, and sticking with it.

It's what changed my reality. From just thoughts to actuality.

[ADecadeLost]

Great post!

[Trog]

I know, I understand that I allowed this to happen, that I am codependent, I gave up so much of my life to please her and it wasn't good enough

It's good that you've been looking at yourself and your role, and that you see the relationship dynamic for what it was. 

it was also something I shouldn't have done. I am angry at myself for letting it all get that far, i allowed her to disrespect me. I allowed it all to the point where I don't trust myself anymore.

It's natural to feel angry, ashamed, disappointed in ourselves when we realize what we allowed in a toxic r/s. But you can't beat yourself up for that. You did the best you could do at the time. Being angry at yourself won't change anything -- except adding to the internalized negative thoughts that keep your self-esteem down.

My work now is self confidence, believing I am good enough, trusting in myself - it's coda 101.

What is it that makes you feel you're not good enough?

You recognize that you show codependent traits, and that you sacrificed yourself in a never-ending effort to be "good enough" for your exgf.

Where do these feelings come from? Why do you equate "good enough" with self-sacrifice for another's needs?

You're doing good work. 

I feel oftentimes like a fraud, like everyone else has it figured, I feel like a 7 year old in a grown ups body, with a very responsible job and now too, a broken heart. My ex could be nurturing, In between being abusive and she did take the caretaker role/responsible role at least as far as the house goes. What upsets me the most if I think of things I miss is her reaction to me when I was playful, but I guess she was just mirroring. Most women I've been out with don't engage with the fun/playful side, what if none ever do again. I crave someone to take care of me. That's an embarrassing admission for me. What if no one will, cos you're not supposed to feel like you're 7. I dunno.

[paperlung]

Thank you for this, Infern0. I, too, don't want a partner like that. A lot of points you mentioned I can relate to (in bold).

I see a lot of people who are still suffering and just wanted to give some thoughts on the recovery process.

When all of this stuff happened to me I was hurting so badly.

Self esteem had gone through rock bottom and was in some sort of new low,  I was depressed to the point of welcoming death,  I was angry some times,  sad the next.  I was wishing she would come back.

My BPDEX came back,  cheated on my replacement with me,  tried to put me into triangulation/ line me up to replace HIM.

I was caught in the trap but this time I decided to walk away. I belive that ME walking helped me to recover at a quicker rate,  but that being said it's only a psychological thing not based in any reality.

The thing is I made the concious decision to stop being a "victim" and while there has been up and downs I'm on the mend.

It's so easy to get stuck in a rut but you need to do whatever you can to get out of the victim mindset. 

My BPDEX has tried to break my NC many times in the last few weeks but it's got to the point where I just think she's pathetic now.

Do I want a partner who:

Lies

Cheats

Manipulates

Is annorexic

Is mental

Wakes up screaming all hours of the night

can't hold a job

"Hears voices"

Could potentially murder me in my sleep

Is stupid

Is shallow

Has no goals in life

Is irresponsible

Has little to no empathy

Is rude

Is abusive

Basically sucks ass in all respects except sex.

The answer is NO.

If you break it down and come to realise that you start healing up.

[nowwhatz]

Wow great post. Did we date the same woman .

I was thinking the same haha. Apparently I was ok with it until the last thing on the list turned bad.

[hurting300]

Wow great post. Did we date the same woman .

I was thinking the same haha. Apparently I was ok with it until the last thing on the list turned bad.

it's kind of funny how they act the same pretty much

[HappyNihilist]

I feel oftentimes like a fraud, like everyone else has it figured, I feel like a 7 year old in a grown ups body, with a very responsible job and now too, a broken heart.

Oh, I feel that way, too... .and one thing I've learned in my life is that a whole lot of people feel this way.

We are all still the children we used to be, deep down. And we are all trying to make sense of the world and our place in it. What we realize as we grow up is that life doesn't come with an instruction manual - there is no "one size fits all" - and only we can determine what our lives should be, what gives us meaning. And that's scary in a lot of ways. Because it all rests on our shoulders, and we are still those children inside, faced with creating meaning on our own.

What upsets me the most if I think of things I miss is her reaction to me when I was playful, but I guess she was just mirroring. Most women I've been out with don't engage with the fun/playful side, what if none ever do again.

Playfulness is very important - in life and in relationships. That was one of my favorite parts of my r/s with my ex, too, the times when we were playful together. It was fun, nice, comfortable - it was a Good Thing.

When we no longer have a Good Thing, it's easy to start sliding into negative thinking like, What if I never find another Good Thing? But this isn't realistic, and it only leads to depression.

What do you mean exactly that most women you've dated don't engage your fun/playful side? Is it that they don't share a similar sense of humor? That they're too serious? What is your fun and playful side like?

I crave someone to take care of me. That's an embarrassing admission for me. What if no one will, cos you're not supposed to feel like you're 7. I dunno.

Embarrassing admissions to ourselves are oftentimes the most important ones. 

What do you mean by "take care of you"? Are you referring to domestic things like the household? Do you mean a sense of nurturing and caring? What would "someone to take care of you" look like to you? What caretaking behaviors of your ex's do you miss?

[downwhim]

"It hurts, we were betrayed, they lied to us, shamed us, humiliated us, stole our hopes and dreams, made us feel like we were crazy, under appreciated us, personally I don't care about the debate whether it's them or BPD, she hurt me, over and over, in terrible, humiliating ways, with snippets of loving actions in between to keep me on the hook. I kinda hate her guts!"

Thanks, Trog, this is perfect, ditto.